Shorty's Blog

One Door Closes

2011-09-10T22:53:00.000-05:00

And another one opens. At least that is what I have to believe right now. I also have to believe that everything happens for a reason and that there is a better opportunity awaiting me.

Over the past week I have had to make some extremely hard decisions-- about law school, where I am headed, and my happiness. They were some of the hardest, if not the hardest, decisions I have ever had to make, but now that I have finally made them, I am happy. Much happier than I was a week ago, a day ago, even an hour ago.

Maybe I will explain in another post what has happened and the decisions I have had to make recently. They are very complicated, and yet in a way, so simple. But that is for another time. For right now, I have made my decisions, and I am happy with them. And I continue to believe that there is something even better around the corner.

I Think I Can, I Think I Can

2011-09-09T22:39:00.001-05:00

When I was younger, my mom used to read to me The Little Engine That Could. I am sure you remember it; it is a fairly popular children's book. Each time I heard it, I remember thinking, "Why is it so difficult for a little engine to go up a little hill?" It was not that I did not understand that for the little engine, the hill was an obstacle for him; I just did not understand why it was such a huge obstacle for him. It was not until I was an adult that I truly understood and fully comprehended the message behind the children's book (go figure, right?).

To me, the book, while preparing children for the obstacles they would have growing up, was really preparing them for the obstacles they would encounter as adults. How many times as an adult have I said, "I think I can, I think I can" to myself? (Admit it, you have too.) I have used it more as an adult than I ever did as a child. And now, as I deal with and try to resolve some enormous obstacles in my life, I find myself saying, "I think I can, I think can, I think I can," just to help me get through the day. Who knew that a mantra from a children's book would help me get through some of my most difficult times as an adult?

The Truth About Law School

2011-07-10T12:54:00.003-05:00

"The first year they scare you to death, the second year they work you to death, the third year they bore you to death."

Law school is like nothing I have experienced before. Ever. And it is nothing like Legally Blonde, either. Getting into law school is hard, but it is nothing compared to what law school is actually like. The amount of work, pressure, and stress is tremendous, especially during the first year. There is enough to keep a student busy twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, and if I let it, it would. Here is a list of some of the things I have learned in my two terms (so far) in law school. As time goes on, I will add to it.

1. The Socratic Method: Scary as hell, but once you've done it a few times, it's really not that bad. Unless you don't know what you're talking about, or haven't read the case. Then be scared. Very scared.

2. You will read more in one week than you ever thought possible.

3. Forget the way you took tests in college or other graduate schools. You will never take a test the same way again.

4. Nor will you ever think the same way again.

5. You will drink (alcohol, obviously) more in one week than you ever have. (But don't become a drunk or an alcoholic. That will only ruin your chances to succeed.)

6. When you get to law school, you will understand why law students and lawyers drink.

7. The law will become your life. You will start thinking of it (almost) all the time.

8. For everything you hear in normal, every day life, you will wonder how you can apply what you learned, in any of your classes, to it.

9. Your sleep schedule is shot to hell. In fact, the words "sleep"and "schedule" will not go together for the three years you are in law school.

10. You will be broke. Living of of loans is a killer, especially if you love to shop (which I do).

11. You will either hate the library or love it.

12. Outlines will become your enemy. They are the devil, especially when Microsoft Word does not cooperate.

13. Your ability to BS anything and everything will skyrocket. You will become adept at it.

14. You will threaten to drop out at least once a week. Probably more than that, actually.

15. If you don't threaten to drop out at least once a week, something is wrong with you. You are enjoying law school too much.

16. If you are enjoying law school, there is something wrong with you. Feel free to enjoy a class or a few classes, but if, overall, you enjoy school, there is something wrong.

17. Asking for help does not make you stupid. It shows that you want to succeed in school.

18. You cannot succeed in law school unless you ask for help.

19. You will become excellent at glancing at cases and picking out the rule(s) of law in seconds. But you still have to read the whole case.

20. Google, Facebook, Twitter, or whatever other websites you frequent will become your best friend(s) during classes, but it's still important to listen (at least with one ear).

21. Do not give up. Law school will test you like you have never been tested before, but do not give up and do not give in. It is designed this way for a reason. You may hate it, and trust me, you will hate it, but do not let it get to you (at least not too much). There is nothing wrong with deciding that it is not for you, but if keep your resolve, your passion, your determination, you can make it. Law school is what you make of it.

MoVinG oN: Life's lessons

2011-07-09T23:58:00.000-05:00

I recently read the below post on a friends' blog, and since I thought it was so good and spot on, I decided to share it. Enjoy! (P.S. What's in the brackets are my own two cents.)

MoVinG oN: Life's lessons: "I have so much to learn about life, and I can't even say that I've lived that much till now. But life has taught me some things throughout my short journey here.

1. If you fall, no matter how long you lie there, you will always get back up again.

2. Eventually, someone will offer you a hand, and it is your choice to take it or reject it. [I suggest taking it.]

3. It really does all work out in the end.

4. And because it does work out, worrying is just unnecessary.

5. Better to laugh than to cry [but sometimes a good cry is what you need].

6. No matter how long you cry, you will have to stop long enough to breath. So you might as well stop altogether.

7. A little prayer goes a long way.

8. Look around you, and you will see who in your life really matters, and who is just taking up space.

9. G-d always knows what's best [and never gives you more than you can handle].

10. A week really is a long time, especially when all decisions are made a week before camp/school starts.

11. Wherever you are, that's where you'll be, and wherever you are there is always a Walmart. (Or some equivalent.) So pack light.

12. Talking to friends instead of dealing with things on your own really does make the burden lighter.

13. Some people aren't so bad once you get to know them. [First impressions can be wrong. Give people a second (or third) chance.]

14. Dealing with difficulties makes you a stronger and wiser person.

15. Running away solves nothing. But vacations are nice once in awhile.

16. Never ask G-d to test you, because He will. Be happy with the easy things you have to deal with. [Though G-d will probably test you anyway.]

17. No matter what happens today- there will always be a tomorrow.

18. Everything really does look better in the morning.

19. Trust in yourself, because G-d put you here for a reason, and only you can do the job that was assigned to you.

20. Never do a half job, because you will have to do it again, and then you will be doing a job and a half.

21. The only approval you need is your own.

22. Ask not "why me?" but rather, how can I be the best me I can be?

23. Bad hair days will not kill you [though they will make you look ridiculous].

24. Laughter cures all. [After all, they don't say, "Laughter is the best medicine" for no reason.]

25. And lastly, "It's all good", because you know what? It always is in the end.

Feel free to add your own.

Cut Out

2011-05-17T21:19:00.000-05:00

Grades from first term are slowly trickling in, though they are all due by next week. As I look at them, I slowly see my dream slipping away with each grade, and it terrifies me. Did I fight so hard to get into law school only to have my schools' harsh policies kick me out? No, of course not. However, I might not have a choice. Do I chalk it up to it being my first term? I could, but there is no way to know for sure if that is the is the case.

At the same time though, I wonder if it is a sign--maybe law school is not for me. Maybe this is not what I am meant to do with my life. Just because you want something and are interested in it, does not mean that you should do it. I wonder if that applies to me. But then I also wonder if having extended time would have made a difference. Or studying more, or using a different study method, or studying earlier. There are so many factors that go into it; so many variables that it is hard to tell if changing one of them, or any of them, will make a difference, because, like I said, maybe it is not the factors. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I am just not cut out for this.

I do know that I did the best I could at the time. But sometimes my best is not enough, as the case might be. That means that I have to step up my game this term, which I will. In the meantime though, I cannot help but wonder if I am cut out for this.

Lucky

2011-05-17T00:13:00.000-05:00

In the queer mess of human destiny, the determining factor is luck. -William E. Woodward

I am persuaded that luck and timing have, in my case, been very important. -Mike Wallace

Timing and luck is everything, at least in my life they seem to be. Sometimes I wonder if people realize how lucky they are that their timing is right; that they are able to have the one they love with them, or willing to move with, and for, them. That they can be with that person, without anything preventing them from doing so.

I was talking to a friend earlier tonight. She is starting law school in the fall, moving to a new city, and her boyfriend is, in all probability, going with her. I know she realizes she is lucky that he is, but I do not think she realizes how lucky she is to have him going with her. What I would not give to have my boyfriend here with me. To have our timing just right so that he can be with me, or that I can be with him. What I would not give to have it work out the way I want, the way he wants, or the way we both want. What I would not give for that.

I keep cursing my luck, because it is just my luck, that things would work out like this. I have cursed everything and almost everyone. I curse the fates, destiny, and yes, even G-d, for their timing. And even though I am big believer in "everything happens for a reason," there are times where I want to say "Screw that." Times when I wish that someone, fate, destiny, G-d, or whomever, had decided that I do not need another obstacle in my path. That for once in my life, I deserve to have things to work out for me, however that may be. That I deserve to be lucky, too.

Then, I see or hear something that reminds me that I am lucky. I may not be able to be with my boyfriend, or even be able to talk to him every day, but I am lucky enough to have someone who loves me, for me. To have someone who accepts me as I am, quirks and weirdness and all. I am lucky to have someone who is good to me, so good to me that there are times when I question what I did to deserve him. I am lucky because I am able to follow my dream, and to have a boyfriend who is able to follow his, even if it means we have to be apart for awhile. I am lucky to only have to wait another year (probably, hopefully) to be with him, and not three years, or five years, or ten years. Lucky that I can see him when I have a break, even if it is only for a few days. I am lucky to have friends and family who are always there for me, who love me, and are willing to listen to me gripe, complain, whine, yell, and cry about how unlucky I am. Lucky.

I am lucky.

Where I'm Supposed To Be

2011-05-11T00:04:00.003-05:00

"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart...Pursue those."-Michael Nolan

Years ago, thirteen to be exact, I decided that I wanted to be a lawyer. I have no idea what made me decide that, if anything specific sparked my interest, I just remember deciding it one day. It was my passion, my dream, and I worked extremely hard to achieve it. Yet, here I am now, wondering if this is where I am supposed to be.

A week ago, I started my second term as a law student, and honestly, I am struggling. Not because the work is hard (though it is), not because there is just so much work to do in any given week (though there is), and not because I miss my family, boyfriend, and friends (though I do). I struggle because the passion that I had coming into this five months ago is no longer there. It is gone. I have absolutely no desire to do this anymore, and the only reason I am here is due to obligations, responsibilities, and the difficulties that would arise should I decide to leave. Granted, there are times when I will be in class and something will greatly spark my interest (something not on the Internet), but then I come home, back to my apartment, where I have to sit down and do my work, and it will be the last thing I want to do. It used to be that I did not mind doing it at all, sometimes I even wanted to do it, and that while reading for school, I would find certain things interesting, even in a class I hated (ahem, property). Now though, I do the work because I have to, and sometimes I have to really force myself to do it. The passion is just no longer there.

I was telling my boyfriend this the Saturday before school started. Actually, I was telling him how I did not want to do this anymore, and trying to explain that the passion was not there. I also refused to go back, may have even stamped my foot a few times while saying it (not that he could see). It was the last thing I wanted. But he refused to let me do that. He made me promise that I would give it two weeks, so I have until this coming Sunday to fulfill my promise. By then, I will have had two weeks to readjust, rediscover my passion, think this over, and hopefully decide what to do, what I want to do. But it is five days away and I still have no idea.

People wonder, rightly so, whether or not this has to do with my boyfriend, and as much as I want to say no, I cannot. Of course he has something to do with this. He is in Israel, I am here. He has thirteen months of service left in the army there (which he may extend), I have three years left here. At the very least, it will be a year before we can be together, and if I know my boyfriend, it will probably longer because I am sure he will want to extend. And I am not going to ask him to not do that, for me. But more than just the fact that we are apart, it also has a lot to do with just wanting him here to be with me, to support me, encourage me, and just be here. There is only so long I can do this alone. Only so long before it gets to me.

I know I am not really alone. I have good friends here, and family and close friends a four drive away. But as much as I love everyone here and back home, it is different. Having friends and family close is great, but having the one you love with you is even greater. There is nothing like having the person you love with you on the journey you are taking, during stressful and overwhelming times, in your corner, cheering you on. Or just knowing that when you walk in the door, he or she is going to be there (and if you are lucky, with dinner ready on the table). Knowing that he is here, with me, can make all the difference in the world.

But that is a smaller aspect of this mess. The larger aspect is, like I said, the lack of passion. If it is not there, then why am I here? Why am I wasting my time, energy, brain cells, and money on this? I wonder, how does that kind of passion disappear in the span of five months? Not to mention, if I do not have the passion for it, then I am not motivated to do well, which will be a disaster when it comes time to find a job. As I sit and wonder where the passion went, the passion that I had for thirteen years, I wonder if this is not a sign from the universe or G-d. Maybe I am not supposed to be here, at least not right now. Maybe I am supposed to be elsewhere. Maybe this was all to lead me to where else I am supposed to be (though it would be helpful if G-d or the universe would give me a hint as to where that is).

Then I think to myself, if I am supposed to be elsewhere, why I am so unsure of where that is? Why is it so hard to get there? My mom has always said that if something was bashert (meant to be), that it would not be so difficult, it would be easier to get there. Everything would work out. Yet I feel so confused, so lost. I feel that everything is a mess and that nothing is working out. This is not the way things were supposed to be. This was not how my life was supposed to turn out.

I know I do not have to decide anything now, but the more time that passes, the more involved I am and the later it gets to do anything about it this term. The more I consider my options, the more I lean towards sticking it out this term, and, if I still feel the same way next term, maybe I will take it off, think about what I really want, without having to juggle school at the same time. In the meantime though, I am staying here, because right now, more than anything, I need to believe that this is where I am supposed to be.

What To Say

2011-05-10T22:31:00.000-05:00

I have begun this post so many times in the past weeks, but I have either ended up deleting what I wrote, or I did not even know what to write or where to start. My thoughts and feelings are floating around in my head, all jumbled, and occasionally, if I am lucky, I can actually think something through and come to a (temporary) conclusion. A few days later though, I am back to where I started--confused, chaotic thoughts and feelings.

I started writing this because usually putting my thoughts down into words helps me organize them, sort them and my feelings out, and maybe come to a conclusion. Or at least see other options, ones I may not have considered before. But this time, it does not seem to be working. I cannot seem to get anything down; I cannot even seem to organize anything just enough to put them into words. For once, I am at a complete loss here, and right now, more than ever, I need the outlet writing gives me. Yet, I cannot seem to find it. I have no idea what to say.

Living the Dream

2011-03-19T20:16:00.000-05:00

And wanting to run away from it. I am doing what I have always wanted to do, what I have dreamed of doing for twelve years, and lately, all I want to do is quit. I want to run back home, back where I don't have the immense amount of pressure, stress, and work that I do here. Where I can go back to my part-time job while I try to figure out what else to do with my life. (Journalism, maybe. See? I've given this some serious thought already. I've even seriously considered moving to Israel and doing something there, but what I have no idea.)

But I don't run, anywhere. I stay here and tell myself that this is my dream. This is what I fought to be able to do for two years. This is why I moved away from my family and friends, from everything I have ever known. How many people get to live out their dream? I am one of the lucky ones, I know that. But I still cannot help but think that maybe I am not cut out for this. Maybe, just maybe, this is not right for me after all. Just because you want to do something, doesn't mean you should do it. Then I ask myself if I really believe that, if I really believe I am not cut out for law school, and I say "no." Truth be told, though, I do love (most of) this. Granted, some classes make me want to shoot myself or the book (property law anyone?), and reading cases can be extremely boring, but there are some classes and subjects I really do enjoy.

I realized recently that part of the reason I want to go home is because, aside from the stress, once my best friend moves back I will be all alone here, and as much as I like living alone, I'm still alone. There is no one here, physically, to give me comfort, to talk to, or just be here with me. Yes, I have friends here from school, and as great as some of them are, it's not the same. They are not family, not my boyfriend, or friends that I have known most of my life.

Everyone keeps telling me to give it a year, especially current and former law students. And I will. I knew before I got here that this was going to be extremely hard and stressful, and I still have those nagging doubts all the time, especially when I'm feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and pressured. But I also know myself, and I know that if I really did think that I could not do this or if I really wanted out, I would be out by now. I would not be hemming and hawing over it; it would be done. Yet, it's not, and I am still here, living the dream.

A Dose of Reality

2011-03-08T00:17:00.000-06:00

I am not really one to run from reality. I threaten to run, and often times do my best to avoid it, but I eventually face it, and of my own volition. But there are certain things I actually do run from and do my damn best to avoid. The list is short though. These days there is really only one thing I refuse to confront--my boyfriend being in the Israeli army. I absolutely refuse to think about it, refuse to think about what it truly means and what the potential consequences are.

Then there are nights like tonight, where something happens, some awful news about someone you know (maybe not personally, but you know the person all the same or you have some connection to him/her), and I am forced to confront it, forced to think about it.

Tonight I heard that someone's brother was killed while serving in the Israeli Defense Force. It's horrible, extremely saddening, and terrifying. This was my dose of reality. I feel for his family, I truly do. But as sad and awful as it is, I could not help but think of my boyfriend, who recently joined the IDF. It made me think of things that I greatly prefer not thinking about. I have no problem thinking of him as a soldier, in the Israeli army. My problem is thinking about what that truly means, what the consequences really are. It made me realize, yet again, that this could, in reality, happen to him. And it freaks me out. It scares me like nothing ever has before. So I retreat, back into my world where my boyfriend is just a soldier, where he looks awesome in his uniform, and everything is fine. Until that is, my next dose of reality hits.

Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T22:20:00.000-06:00

Today is Valentine's Day, the day when you are supposed to be sweet and romantic to, and with, your significant other, buy each other gifts, and generally be all mushy. I have never been big on the holiday. It's not that I dislike it, but I do not love it. Honestly, I do not understand the holiday. Why have one day where you show your love for your significant other? Should we not be doing that every day?

Yet, I know we don't do that every day. I certainly do not. Other things get in the way: work, family, school, and life in general. But I try to, and, in my opinion, that is what counts. That you try, every day, to show your love for that special person in your life; not that you do it for one day out of the year and do not attempt it again until the next year.*

I do not need my boyfriend to buy me candy, roses, chocolates, stuffed bears or other assorted animals to know that he loves me or is thinking about me. I know that he is, and I know this because of the other ways he shows it-- the texts in the morning saying "Boker tov" (good morning), the unexpected beautiful gifts he sends me (not in honor of Valentine's Day), his constant encouragement and not allowing me to give up, his willingness to spend over an hour on the phone with me helping me with my internet problem, his worrying about my worrying about things, and other things. I look at the little things he does. For me, while the big things are nice, it's the little things that count the most.

However, just because I am not crazy about Valentine's Day, does not mean I don't wish all of you one. Happy Valentine's Day!

*I'm not saying that is what people do, just that I sometimes think of Valentine's Day like that.

The Witching Hour

2011-02-02T00:50:00.000-06:00

Many people, usually mothers, commonly refer to their most challenging time of day as "The Witching Hour." It is that time of day (or night) when everything is chaotic, the kids are not cooperating, and nothing seems to be going right. Lately, I have been referring to a certain time of night as my "witching hour." It is that time of night when I start to breakdown, slowly losing my resolve and my optimism.

The time it begins usually varies, but I can always feel it creeping it up on me between 7PM and 8PM, and then the later it gets, the stronger it gets, until I give in. I just break. I have a mini (or full blown) meltdown, like the one I had a few posts ago. Some nights are better than others. Some nights it does not hit me as hard, and some nights it is more of a punch than a hit, as you have seen. It is on those nights that I question whether or not I can survive this, and it is on those nights that I know I cannot.

I try to distract myself, and it usually works, at least for awhile. It helps if I have something to do, like reading and briefing cases, or watching shows online or on TV, or talking to my friend or my mom. Sometimes, when I feel it coming and coming strong, I purposely bury those feelings and thoughts and force myself to concentrate on whatever it is that I am doing. But other times, no matter what I do, nothing works.

I have come to realize that the way I feel at night, the questioning and doubting, is just an exaggeration of the way I occasionally feel during the day. During the day I feel more positive; I am more positive. It is then that I think, "OK, three years is not a big deal. It'll fly by. I can do this," and I believe it. But then night comes, and I start doubting myself, and the later it gets, the less doubt I have that I can do it and the more conviction I have that I cannot do it. I think that deep down, even when I am optimistic, I know that I will struggle greatly to get through this and that it will be extremely difficult for me, but at the same time, I also know I do not have another choice.

Routine

2011-02-01T15:24:00.000-06:00

It's funny how your whole life can change in a day, yet your day to day routine can change very little with it. I completely uprooted myself, changed my life, where I live, and yet, my routine in the mornings and nights have stayed the same. I still go straight for the coffee pot when I get up in the morning, then take a shower, get dressed and ready, and proceed with my day. At night, I still stay holed up in my room (though now for different reasons), occasionally venturing out to watch TV and eat, and I still stay up late.

However, while my day to day morning and night routines have not changed, the rest of it has. Unlike college where a person goes to same classes multiple times a week, I only go to each of my classes once a week. Each day is a different class, different professor, different subject, and while that is routine for the week, it is not routine for every day, and for me, that is a good thing. Honestly, if I had to take the same classes multiple times a week, I think I would go nuts from the monotony of it.

Yet, each night after class, I do the same thing. I do my work, though I work on a different subject almost every night, I usually do spend the same nights week to week working on the same subject. And sometimes, I do spend more than one night on a subject. I do have somewhat of a routine here; I fell into one here the same way I fell into one back home. It is just a different one, and it varies a bit day to day, which is good for me since I hate doing the same thing day in and day out. Routine is nice, but variation is even nicer.

Mini-Meltdown

2011-01-31T19:02:00.003-06:00

My last blog post was me having a mini-meltdown. I seem to be prone to them these days, having them at least once a week. They always come at night, but that is because nights are usually my worst, especially if it is late at night. Since my life these days consists of not going to sleep before 3AM (thank you, law school), I have many of those late nights, and if I am lucky and get completely exhausted, I will have a mini-meltdown. Or even a full-blown meltdown. Either way, I cry my heart (and eyes) out. You lucky readers, got to see one of those meltdowns last night.

I have no doubt that there will be more mini-meltdowns, probably even full-blown ones too, but, unlike in my last post, I know I can survive, and not just the meltdowns, but everything else as well. Yesterday, a friends' friend (who does not know me at all, and in fact, just met me) called me a "strong, stubborn, SOB." The way I figure it, if he can say that about me after just meeting me and only talking with me for an hour, then there must be some truth to it. (My boyfriend was kind enough to concur when I told him.) And since I am a strong, stubborn, SOB, I know I will make it through this. I know we will make it through this (because he is a strong, stubborn SOB as well).

Surviving

2011-01-31T02:50:00.000-06:00

I honestly have no idea how I am going to survive the next year to year and a half. My boyfriend joined the army today. He is officially an Israeli soldier, and tomorrow (well, today actually), he signs a contract for service for fourteen months, with the possibility of extending it to eighteen months. Eighteen months. A year and a half of rarely seeing him, not talking to him often, of worrying about him. A year and a half of just not having him with me, of not being together. I do not know how I am going to survive it.

As if that is not enough, he might be there for three years, if he gets into the program that he wants. I will barely survive the fourteen to eighteen months that he will definitely be there for, but three years? There is no way I can do that, and I am not just saying that because of the way I feel now. I have been thinking about this for months now, trying to convince myself that I can handle a year and a half, that I can even handle three years, but deep down, I know that is not true. Like I said, I know I will be able to the eighteen months, it will be hard and long, and I will barely get through it, but I can do it. However, I know I cannot do the three years. It is just one of those instinctual, gut feelings, of something that you just know.

I feel horrible, hypocritical, and selfish for feeling like this, for having to tell him this, I cannot help it. One or both of us needs to come up with a better way to make this work, in a way where we both get to pursue our dreams and be together at the same time. In a way where I am not miserable every night and crying myself to sleep. I am sure there is a way. There has to be a way. We just have not found it yet.

Granted, I could always move and go to law school there, but as I have said before in other posts, not only is that not my law school dream, I would be alone in a strange city with barely any friends and family, where I am no longer familiar with the language, and I would be in school in a foreign country. Law school here is hard enough, doing it in a foreign country would be even harder. Plus, I would only see him once every three weekends.

I do not want him to give up his dream for me, nor would I ever ask him to do that, and he would never ask that of me. At the same time though, right now I feel like the only way this will work is if one of us puts our dream on hold in order to be together, but I do not want either one of us to do that. Yet, there must be a way. There has to be a way in which we can be together and achieve our dreams. In the meantime, I just have to survive.

My New Beginning

2011-01-30T16:47:00.001-06:00

I believe everyone deserves a new beginning in life, a fresh start, and as I write this, I am in the midst of mine.

I am sitting in my (fairly) new room, in Michigan, with my law school books spread out around me. I have been here for a month, and while I acclimated and adjusted well, I still have moments where I will look around and think, "This is my new life," and wonder how I got here. Never in a million years did I think I would go away for law school; I was never the type to just up and move away. I am still not that type. Yet, here I am, in my own apartment, going to law school, making new friends (but keeping the old), and truly being an adult. And it is everything I ever dreamed it would be (minus one thing--my boyfriend).

Yes, there is an insane amount of work to do; yes, it is extremely stressful; yes, I miss my family; yes, there are a lot of late nights and threats to drop out (my boyfriend can testify to that); and yes, sometimes I cannot fathom the thought that this will be my life for the next three years (in a bad way), but honestly, despite all of that, I love it. Ok, I do not love the amount of work (or the work itself always), but I love everything else about it.

I love class and learning about the law. I love being on my own, being fully responsible for myself. I love making new friends and hanging out with them. I love being able to go out and not having to tell anyone. I love not having to answer to anyone (except myself). I love it all. This is my new beginning.

Happy New Year's!

2010-12-31T16:52:00.000-06:00

My Greatest Adventure (Yet)

2010-12-28T05:38:00.005-06:00

Today will mark the beginning of my greatest adventure yet. It is the beginning of many things. I head off to law school today, but not just that; it marks the beginning of my living completely on my own, being completely independent, and being away from home for a long period of time. I will also be in a new city and state, too.

I know this is something I have always dreamed of, but I am not going to lie, I am scared. Terrified, actually. All of these firsts, and I will be completely alone. When I need family and friends with me the most, my first day of law school, I will be alone. But everyone keeps telling me that I am strong, that I can do this, that I can handle it all, and in my good moments, I believe them. In my bad moments, well, that is when I need them the most. But they are only a phone call away. Either way, this is something I need to do for myself. I need to find out if law is right for me, and I need to find out that, as terrifying as it may be, that I can do this.

So, here's to my greatest my adventure, yet.

To Those Who Celebrate

2010-12-25T01:18:00.001-06:00

A Very Merry Christmas!

They Come in Threes

2010-12-22T00:39:00.000-06:00

There is a saying, "All good things come in threes." Others say that bad things come in threes. I would say that whether good or bad, major events tend to come in threes. In the span of one month, I will have had three major life events happen. The first one already has happened. My boyfriend left to go back to Israel. The next one, occurring in a week, will be my moving to a completely new city and state. Finally, the third will be starting law school.

Before any of them had even happened yet, I was fine. Since my boyfriend leaving was the first event, it hit me hard. I had a great deal of trouble adjusting to it, mainly because he was gone and I miss him terribly, but I also think that a little bit of what I was feeling was reality hitting me. As I said, before he left I was fine. Before he left, all three things were still in the future, about to happen. I knew they were coming, but they had yet to happen. None of it was real. Then my boyfriend left, and the first bit of reality hit me. He really did leave. Then it was real, and that made the next two events real as well. I really am moving. I really am starting law school. All it took was for one piece of reality to hit me, and the rest came crumbling down right after it.

I knew none of them would be easy for me. The first one certainly was not. In fact, by the time everything is over, the first one will probably have been the hardest of the three, with law school coming in as a close second. I do know though, that the next two are scary. I am not so scared of moving to a new city or state and truly being on my own for the first time; what I am scared of is law school-- the work load, the effort it will take, but mostly, whether or not I will be able to handle it, whether or not I will succeed. It is all coming threes, and sometimes, that is not a bad thing at all, but in my case, I just wish they would have spaced themselves out a little better.

Making the Right Decision

2010-12-18T17:27:00.000-06:00

Last January, I wrote about being at an impasse, what decision was the right one. I just reread that post and realized that not much has changed. The only things that have changed are that I am moving and going to law school, and that he is definitely going into the army. As I read the post, I realized that while I am still torn, maybe more so now, that this time it is different. This time, we are certain of each other, certain that we want to be together, and while I have always dreamed of going to law school, and still do, I also desire to be with him more than anything.

It has been my dream for thirteen years and I am finally going. I cannot give up on that, or postpone it. I have been fighting to get in for two years, and I now that I finally am, I cannot just give up on it. Who knows if I will ever get the chance again. Not to mention, I do not want to become that woman who gives up everything for a man, even if I do love him more than anything; I do not want to lose myself, or my dreams, and I do not want to regret it later in life because that would not be fair to either one of us. Plus, I know he does not want me to give up on or postpone my dream, and sometimes that is the only reason I am still going.

But the dream I have of being with him is a different kind of dream. Every fiber of my being wants to hop on a plane right now and just go there. And in my head, I know how irrational and stupid that would be. It does not make any sense. Even if I hopped on a plane now, he would be in the army in a little over a month and then I would be completely alone, in a foreign country, with no job, support system, anything, and I would barely ever see him (one weekend very three weeks). So what good would it do for me to give up or postpone (almost) everything I have ever wanted? None. Yes, I would get to be with him for a month, but in the end, it would not do anyone any good. At the same time though, I tell myself that while I would barely see him, it is better then never seeing him (he will have leave for one month every year, which is very much like never).

I realized the other day that a big part of my problem is not knowing how long this is going to be. He can do eighteen months in the army, three years, or any amount of time really, depending on what he wants, the unit he gets into, and what the army decides. I also came to the realization that I can handle eighteen months, but two or three years is too much for me. There is no way I can do that. I can say that for certain right now, and I know this is true because I do not just feel this way when I am missing him and miserable. I feel this way when I am feeling better and am optimistic, believing that we can do this, but thinking that I cannot do it for three years. And I know people will say "You'll be in law school and will be busy with that, and time will fly." Yes, time will fly. I am very aware of how quickly time flies. But there is a difference between time flying for eighteen months, and time flying for three years. There is a difference between being able to handle something on a smaller scale and being able to cope with something like this--being away from the person you love, the person you want to be with. Either way, I know I cannot handle three years.

Over the past few days I have come up with a few different ways this can go, and compromises to make this work after eighteen months (at least I think they are compromises, and fairly good ones at that). In one, he is only doing eighteen months in the army, and after that, he comes back here, stays with me while I finish law school. If he really wants to go back to Israel after I am done, then we will go back. In the other scenario, he does three years in the army, and everything is just reversed. I go there after eighteen months (I have not quite figured out the law school aspect of this yet, but I will), he finishes the army, and we can come back to the States so I can finish my law degree. After that, well, we shall see. But those are my solutions (so far). Yes, I am aware of how crazy this sounds, to be planning this now when neither one of us knows what will even happen within the next month. As I said before though, I hate not knowing how long this will be, and knowing I cannot survive it for longer than eighteen months, I need to find some solution, even if it is too early to make those kinds of plans.

Basically, it all boils down to that we are each doing what we have to do, for ourselves. He has to follow his dream; I have to follow mine. I know this. We did this before, and I know we can do it again, but it is not going to be easy. (And the time difference certainly doesn't help either.) But we take it one day at a time, and whatever happens, we will handle. Either way, I know that he is what I want; we both know that we want to be together, and we will both work to make it happen. Just one day at a time, but in the meantime, I just have to keep telling myself (and have others tell me) that I am, that we are, making the right decision.

Already Written

2010-12-14T09:12:00.025-06:00

Everything I want to write about at this moment has already been written--by me. There is nothing new here, though now it is a year and a half later and I feel exactly the same way again. Torn, sad, broken and brokenhearted, wondering if I am making the right decision in not going with him, not being sure I can handle this, wondering if I will survive it, and so many other emotions. And I know this is hard for him as well.

My boyfriend left to return to Israel two days ago. He was here for two months, even though he was only supposed to be here for two weeks. I wish he could have stayed longer, much longer (forever, really), but since I know that is not possible, I will take whatever I can get. I am so happy and grateful that we did have the time together though, short as it was, and would not trade it for anything.

Sending him off and saying goodbye does not get any easier, no matter how many times I do it. In fact, I would say that this time was the most difficult, but I am not sure why. Maybe because we just got back together, or because he goes into the army at the end of January, or because I know I will not see him for at least another year. Mostly, it is because I love him more than I can put into words and want to be with him, though the other three definitely do not help. All I know is that leaving him at the airport yesterday was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

Back To Normal

2010-12-13T20:42:00.001-06:00

Today, my life returned to normal. Or what I thought was normal. If you had asked me two months ago, normal was going to work, preparing to move, going out with friends a few times a week, sitting at home at night watching TV basically doing whatever needed to be done. I was just going through the motions. Now though, that is no longer the case. In fact, I now realize it never was my normal.

The last two months, my ex, and now current, boyfriend was here visiting. In those two months, I realized that those times in my life without him were never normal. There was something missing. Normal is being with my boyfriend, having him in my life (on a more regular, boyfriend-like basis), talking to him, listening to his endless fountain of information about anything and everything, watching TV shows with him days after they air, and just spending time with him. I realized that that is how my life should be. That is my normal. He may not be here right now, but he is my normal, and always has been. And somewhere, deep down, I always knew that.

25 Life Lessons

2010-12-10T14:28:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was my twenty-fifth birthday, and as I turn a quarter of century old and prepare for a huge change in my life, I cannot help but think about the life lessons that I will take with me. So, in honor of these major life events, I decided to write about these important life lessons I. I have no doubt that there is a vast amount of lessons yet to be learned, but in the meantime, here are those 25 lessons that I will be taking with me (in no particular order):

1. Be yourself. People will love/like you for who you are.

2. Have confidence and be confident. It shows.

3. Do not be afraid to love, to risk your heart and take a chance. It is one of the scariest things you will ever do, but it can end up being one of the best things ever.

4. Don't be afraid to ask questions. It is better to ask questions and get it right in the end, then to mess up because you were too afraid to ask.

5. New experiences are great, but don't forget that the ones in your past are where you learned most of your lessons.

6. The same can be said for friends. Make new friends, but don't forget the old. They helped you get to where you are today.

7. Speaking of friends... "Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support." Lean on them when you need, be there for them when they need. A true best friend is one of a kind.

8. Take care of yourself, inside and out. It is important, more so than you know.

9. Laugh. Whatever happens in life, do not forget to laugh, including at yourself. "Carry laughter with you wherever you go."

10. Do not forget what your passion is. Follow it, live it.

11. Take responsibility for your actions and words.

12. Forgiveness is not for other person, but yourself. Forgive, but you do not have to forget.

13. You are stronger than you think. Much more so.

14. Work hard. Only you can get what you want.

15. We all make mistakes, we are human. "Mistakes are part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way."

16. Trust yourself. Trust your instincts, and what you believe.

17. Enjoy the simple things in life. They are more beautiful, and most times more fleeting, than you realize.

18. Live in the here and now. The past is gone, and the future is yet to come, but now is already here.

19. Slow down long enough to notice the people and things around you.

20. Do not act like a child, but do be child-like.

21. Time does heal all wounds, so give yourself (and time), time.

22. Find something to believe in.

23. Do not take yourself too seriously. No one else does.

24. If we all threw our problems into one big pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

25. Life is what you make of it, so go out, enjoy it, and make the best of it.

Let Me Explain Myself

2010-10-30T21:58:00.000-05:00

In a month and a half I will be twenty-five years old. In two months, I will be moving to a completely different city and will be completely on my own for the first time. In two months, I will no longer have to explain myself to my mom, tell her when I am going out, where I am going, or with whom. I will not have to worry about the looks or the side comments after I come home late at night (or early in the morning). I will not have to let her know if I will not be home when she comes home from work. In fact, I will not have to tell her anything unless I choose to share it with her.

I know she does this because she cares, worries, and loves me. I get it, I do. I completely understand and I love her for it. But to me, there is a line between between being caring and worrying about your child, and treating your twenty-five year old daughter like she is a fifteen year old teenager. I am an adult. I am responsible, independent, and have a good head on my shoulders, and it would be very nice to be treated like that every once in awhile. Sometimes I feel very stifled. I mean, if I am old enough to move out and go to law school, I think I am old enough to go out with my friends and not have to explain myself to mother, right? I certainly think so. I do not think I am asking for much here. It would just be very nice to walk out of the house and not have to tell anyone where I am going, who I am going with, or what time I will be back. Do not mistake me--I will miss my mom greatly, but at the same time, it will be nice to finally, completely, feel like the adult I am.

Some Things Never Change

2010-10-20T21:36:00.000-05:00

Change is good, as scary as it may be at times, change is good. Yet sometimes, it is nice to see that certain things never change.

My ex, and someone whom I still consider one of my closest friends, came in from Israel last Tuesday. In the time he has been here, we have hung out quite a bit. At first I was worried things would be awkward between us; we have not seen each other in almost a year, nor have we seen each other since before we broke up. Yes, we remained friends and still talk, but seeing each other for the first time in almost a year can be a bit nerve racking, at least for me.

I do not know why I was worried, though. It is almost as if he never left. We still hang out, talk, argue, and even do the same things. He still spends the majority of time on his computer, doing G-d knows what. He still leaves his stuff spread out all over the place, among other things. In other words, he is (basically) still the same man I know, the same man I came to love.

However, some things do change. The obvious one-- we are no longer dating. Another, we are both taking our lives in very different directions. He is going into the Israeli army; I am moving and going to be starting law school. And while we both may essentially be the same people, there are subtle changes. The two that stand out the most for me-- he is more mature, and more focused. So while he is still the same man, he is somewhat different. And I am sure I have changed a bit as well, but for that list, you will have to ask him.

Still, it is nice to know, and see, that while some things do change, there are others that never do.

Looking Back

2010-10-17T21:49:00.004-05:00

I was looking at some Facebook pictures a few weeks ago of people that I went to high school with, ones that I have not seen or talked to since we graduated six and a half years ago. In these pictures, they were drinking, doing silly things, dancing, etc. Essentially, being young adults. When I saw the pictures of them with drinks in their hands, I thought to myself, "We're not old enough to drink," forgetting that, in fact, we are.

You see, when I see people that I graduated high school with, whether in pictures or in real life, people I no longer have any contact with, I am immediately a teenager again, back in high school, with braces and bad hair, and so are they. I temporarily forget that we are all full grown adults, on our own, with jobs, significant others, and everything else that comes with being an adult. For a few seconds there, I am transported back to high school.

Once I come to my senses and realize that I am almost twenty-five years old, about to move to go to law school, and that we are all of legal drinking age, I breath a huge sigh of relief, so thankful that I am no longer in high school. I am not saying that I did not like high school; I did. I had fun. But that part of my life is over and done with. I am no longer that person. I am on a new path; I like where I am, where I am going, and I would not change it or go back for anything.

I Want My Mommy

2010-10-04T22:41:00.000-05:00

These past few days I have been sick; sore throat, sneezing, low-grade fever, you know, the typical cold. Aside from curling up in bed into a little ball until it goes away, all I want is my mom, and I am not ashamed to admit it. Yes, I am almost 25 years old, but when I get sick, no matter what it is, how old I am, where I am, all I want is my mommy. There is nothing like a mother's hug, touch, and care to make a person feel better, even when they are at their lowest. There is nothing like a mother.

I was considering this the other day, and I realized that this will be the last time in a long time I will be able to go to my mom for comfort when I am sick. The next time I become sick, I will be in Michigan, 250 miles away from my mom and the comfort of her arms. This hit me like a ton of bricks. It was probably the one thing I had yet to consider about my move. I had considered everything else but this. Yes, I can call her, and we can talk, but it will not be the same. She will not be there to hug me, to feel my forehead checking to make sure I do not have a fever, she will not bring me chicken soup, or just be there to lean against. I will not have that anymore.

I will have to learn how to cope without her, in all things. Not only will I have to comfort myself when sick, but I will have to be my own sounding board, make my own dinners (and breakfasts and lunches), remind myself of the thousands of things I need to do, and many other things. I am positive that she will still do whatever she can over the phone, but it will not be the same. She will not be there. It will be up to me.

In the meantime, I will take whatever I can get, and then some. Like I said, there is nothing like a mother.

The Need for....Change

2010-09-28T00:45:00.000-05:00

Every so often in life, I get this urge to change something. Nothing big, just something to shake things up, make life a little different, a little exciting. It does not have to be something that I do to myself, but it has to shake my life up a little bit. It does not have to be anything major, either, but it has to be fairly substantial; nothing like going out and buying a new pair of shoes. It can be as simple as (another) piercing, cutting my hair, or buying a new mattress (which I did not do). But it has to be something.

Lately, I have been having this urge. I have this desire to do something, make my life a little more exciting, because you know, my life is not already exciting enough (with all the upcoming and past events, holidays, and moving). Really, I do have enough excitement in my life right now. There are (or were) the loads of Jewish holidays this month, next month I have two bridal showers (one of which I am helping to plan), a bachelorette party (which I am planning), a wedding, preparing to move, and some other things I am sure I am forgetting. So why in the world do I feel the need to bring some more excitement to my life? I do not have the time, energy, or patience for much else at the moment, yet, the desire is still there. And it is going to stay there. This is one time in my life I do not need any more change or excitement.

Around The Table

2010-09-21T20:11:00.000-05:00

As I sat down to the dinner table at my aunt's house on Erev Rosh HaShana, I noticed how much it has changed in the past ten years, how much the seating arrangement and the people around it had changed. Yes, I know many things change in ten years, but I did not expect to see my role, the new teenager who recently started high school, played out by the oldest of my younger cousins, M. It never occurred to me that I would see myself in my younger cousin. Nor was I expecting to be placed in my older cousins' shoes.

Ten years ago, only one set of my older cousins had children (two daughters), and the other two sets of cousins were married, but no children (yet). Ten years ago, it was I who had just entered high school, I who did not want to be placed at the "children's table" (which essentially just consisted of myself and my younger brother), I who wanted so badly to sit and talk with my cousins like the adult I thought I was. It was I who was being asked about high school and what teachers I had, about the homework, classes, and books I had to read.

But as we sat down to begin our meal this year, I realized that it was not myself caught between childhood and adulthood, it was not I who had just entered high school and wanted to sit with adults in my family. I was already there. I was sitting at the table with the adults, talking to them as if I was one. M, my fourteen year old cousin, was in the role I used to play, and I was playing the role of the older cousin, the one she wanted to sit next to, to talk to, the one she looked up to.

As she and I walked to my aunt's (her grandmother) house the next day from synagogue, talking like we never have before, I realized how nice it was to finally be at this point, to be able to talk to her more like the adult she is becoming, instead of the child she used to be. Then I thought to myself how nice it was that things were coming full circle, and that who knows, maybe in ten years, she will have the same revelations as I just did.

My Last Hurrah (a.k.a. Niagara Falls)

2010-08-31T22:42:00.003-05:00

The second to last weekend in August I went to Niagara Falls, on a vacation with my best friend. We went to the Canadian side (and, according to our shuttle driver, we chose well as there is nothing on the New York side). Months ago, when we were originally discussing taking a vacation, we talked about going to Las Vegas, but we ended up in Niagara Falls because of an event that took place there that weekend.*

We had an absolute blast! We met some very awesome people, partied like it was 1999, and had a boatload of laughs. It was one of the best vacations I have ever been on. And best of all, my best friend's dream came true--she met her idol. What are the odds that in your lifetime you will get to meet yours? Yeah, exactly. Slim. But she did (and she has the picture to prove it!)! We also saw some great skateboarding tricks, awesome motocross biking, went gambling for the first time (and lost), and of course, saw the beautiful Niagara Falls.

As I begin law school in January and will probably not be going on any vacations for quite awhile, I began declaring this trip "My Last Hurrah." I figure it will be the last time for at least the next three years that I will be able to do anything like it, and I am so glad I was able to do it, and that I had such a great time. Now I can go off to law school without looking back and thinking, "I wish I had done that before I left," because I did, and I have an indefinite amount of memories to carry me through until next time.

*If you want to know what event, look here (and don't judge :-P ).

The Optimistic One

2010-08-18T22:47:00.000-05:00

The essence of optimism is that it takes no account of the present, but it is a source of inspiration, of vitality and hope where others have resigned; it enables a man to hold his head high, to claim the future for himself and not to abandon it to his enemy.

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Optimist: A man who is chased up a tree by a lion but enjoys the scenery anyway.

-Walter Winchell

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

-Winston Churchill

I am the optimist in my family. My mom, my brother, and even my father, are pessimists. My aunt, my boss, and best friend are pessimists as well. I am surrounded by negativity on a fairly constant basis. Sometimes it amazes me that I am so optimistic. But I am. And I thank G-d for that. It enables me to see the bright side in just about anything and everything. Even in the smallest, most trivial situations, I see the bright side, while most everyone else I know is focusing on the negative.

Sometimes I honestly do not understand how people can look at the world, the people around them, and especially themselves in such a negative way. To me, there is always a positive. It is not easy hearing their negative remarks either, about others, themselves, or anything, and it eventually gets to me. It frustrates me, sometimes quite a bit. There are times where I simply cannot stand to hear it and have to walk away before I say something hurtful to them about it. And there is only so much I can say to them, so much I can do, and only so many times I can try to put a positive spin on things, before I just give up.

I know I cannot change the way they think; only they can do that, and they have to want to do it. But, for those out there wondering why being an optimist is so great (other than the fact that looking at the world in a brighter light just makes things better and easier), here are a few reasons to be one: better health, longer lives, less stress, persistence (we do not give up easily), and better emotional health. Those sound like some positive outcomes, right? Now if I could just get my family and friends to see the bright side of this...

Movin' on Up

2010-07-22T14:42:00.000-05:00

In late December, I will be moving up. Well, moving north to be more exact, but that is up. I will moving in order to go to law school. I will be in Michigan, which is only one state away from my family, but for me, it is more than that. For me it means that not only am I finally realizing my dream of going to law school, but it also means that everything has changed, that everything is changing. And while change is good (for the most part, I believe), it is also scary, and for me, this is very scary.

Believe it or not, I have never lived away from home. In fact, I have never been away from home for more than two weeks. I never went away to school or dormed while in college. I stayed put, mostly out of necessity. Financially, it was out of the question. While I could have gotten loans for it, I did not want to do that. I was already going to have loans from college as it was, plus the loans that I would have for law school and living expenses while there, so taking out more loans just to live on campus or near it did not make sense; it was not practical. So I stayed home. Now, though, moving is a necessity. If I want to go to law school (and I do), I have to go to Michigan. I have no choice. You see, the school where I am going is the only school that accepted me. I do not have a choice of which school to attend, because, trust me, if I did, I would chose to stay home as it is financially more feasible. So I am moving, and for the first time in my life, I will not live at home.

Not only will I not be living at home, but I will be completely on my own in every way possible. Yes, I am a very independent person, pay for just about everything myself, and can take care of myself, but like I said, I have always been at home. There has always been someone there (sometimes to my annoyance). Once I move though, there will be no one, except for maybe a roommate, but that will not be the same. I will not have any family or friends there. I will have no support system there; they will be one state away. I will be totally alone. Yes, I am sure I will make some friends, but it will still not be the same. My home, family, and friends will not be there. I will be on my own.

I am excited and scared at the same time. My life as I know it will be changed forever. There are times when I stop whatever I am doing and just think, "Oh my G-d. I am moving," almost as if it has just hit me (at the rate I am going though, it has hit me about twenty times already). But then there are times where I think, "I'm moving,"as if it as natural as breathing. For me though, just the word "moving" has so much connotation because it means so much change. I have about five months before I have to go, and from now until then I have no doubt that my thoughts will be all over the place, including continuing to alternate between "Oh my G-d, I'm moving" and "I'm moving." In the meantime though, there are things to do, decisions to be made, and plans to make before I can move on up and start my new adventure.

Accepted!

2010-07-14T15:25:00.000-05:00

In this post, I talked about taking my life in a new direction, finding a new path, a new passion, and a new career. And I was fine with it, remember? However, I am extremely happy to say that I no longer have to consider doing that. You see, I GOT INTO LAW SCHOOL! Yes, that's right. I'm in!

After that last post, I received a message from a friend who told me not to give up on my dream, that there is a way to get what I want. Feeling greatly encouraged, I decided to apply to that last law school. I figured, "What the hell? The worst they can do is say no," and I had already received enough "no's" that one more would not make a difference. Three weeks later, I received a large manila envelope in the mail from the school, and as soon as I saw the large envelope, I knew-- I was in!

So now I get to spend the next six months preparing to start law school and move to a new city and state. There is quite a lot to do; I do not think I have even wrapped my head around the whole thing yet. There are times where I will just stop and think, "I'm moving to Michigan." I am leaving everything I have ever known, family, friends, job, familiarity, to do this. But if this is what I have to do in order to achieve my dream, so be it. Though life as I know it will never be the same.

*More to come later on law school, I just wanted to let everyone know the happy news.

Autographs

2010-07-14T10:32:00.000-05:00

The other day my mom told me that my aunt found my grandmother's "Autograph" book. Later at home, I got the chance to look at it. It is a book from my grandmother's grammar school days, with "autographs" on each page. It is almost like a yearbook, but without pictures. Actually, without anything from a yearbook except for the last few pages that classmates scribble all over, signing them and writing messages. Each of her friends signed a page, mostly writing a poem or something witty. I am not sure if what they wrote is original or taken from elsewhere, but I copied the ones I liked.

Here today, gone tomorrow,
So do many joys depart.
But the gladness of your friendship,
Lives forever in my heart.

You asked me to write,
What shall it be?
Three little words,
"Think of me"

May your life be as bright as Broadway at night,
As smooth as a Rolls Royce without flat tires.

Isn't love a funny thing?
It's somewhat like a toy
If you want your heart broken,
Just give it to any boy.

When you have the children,
One, two, three
Name the tallest one
For me.

May your life be like a deck of cards,
When you're in love, hearts.
When you're engaged, diamonds.
When you're married, clubs.
When you're dead, spades.

When twilight draws it's curtains,
And pins them with a star,
I hope you will remember me,
Although I may be far.

A ring is round and has no end,
And so is my love for you, dear friend

In your chain of friends
Consider me a link,
But not a missing one.

I wish you Dempsey health,
Rockefellers' wealth, and
Shakespeare knowledge.

If you see a cat in a tree,
pull it's tail and think of me.

As the ripples flow,
the ship at sea may roll.

I write here not for beauty,
I write her not for fame,
I write to be remembered,
So here I sign my name.

I wish you wealth,
I wish you health,
I wish you Rockefellers' gelt.

Health to make you happy,
Wealth to make you blest,
That is what I wish you,
Leave to G-d the rest.

I thought,
I thought,
I thought in vain,
Now I've decided to write my name.

Roses are red,
Shoes are tan,
Bananas are yellow,
And so's your old man.

Sugar is sugar
And salt is salt
If you don't get a sheik,
It's your own damn fault.

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
If the bughouse don't get you,
Then Hyman must.

Look into the future,
Remember the past,
Remember the fun,
Remember the fun in Mrs. Wilson's class.

Leaves may wither,
Roses may die,
Friends may forsake,
But never will I.

Friendship is a golden chain,
That binds two friends together,
And if you do not break this chain,
We'll be two friends forever.

There is a golden chain,
That binds two hearts together,
If you will never break this chain,
We will be friends forever.

When you are in the parlor,
And your man is by your side,
Be careful when you kiss him,
For his mustache may be dyed.

When you are married and have twins,
Remember me for the safety pins.

May your life be like an arithmetic:
Love added,
Sorrows subtracted,
Friends multiplied,
Joys undivided.

When day is done,
And shadows creep,
Think of me,
When you go to sleep.

Yours Till
(I am not sure what these mean, or if they have any meaning, but on some of the autograph pages, people wrote a "Yours Till" before signing their name. Below are all of them.)

Yours till I can quit talking.

Yours till the Statue of Liberty has twins.

Yours till angels play jazz.

Yours till misers part with their money.

Yours till the kitchen sinks.

Yours till the Eskimos wear evening gowns.

Yours till angel play St. Louis Blues.

Yours till fathers give their sons good allowances.

Yours until we walk our heads.

Wasting Away

2010-07-08T16:19:00.000-05:00

I hate to waste things, anything, especially if it is something I paid for (or something my mom paid for). In fact, I will hold onto something for years that I have not touched in forever because I cannot bear to throw it out. These things I hold onto are not anything special either. They are nothing sentimental, or anything I have hopes of using again. In fact, these are things I know I will never use again.

Like my nail polish for example. I have quite the collection of nail polish, most of the colors I use (or will use when I have nails again), but a few colors that I do not use and have not used in quite awhile. But I cannot seem to throw them out. Or my makeup. I have mascara that I bought a year ago and have only used a handful of times. Yet, it is still sitting in my makeup bag in my drawer, along with four or five other makeup items I no longer use. I also have quite a collection of pens in two of my desk drawers.

And it is not as if I do not go through my things, sorting them, giving some away; I do, quite often in fact. I am not a pack rat. I hate clutter and have no problem giving things away, things I know will be used by someone else (like clothes and shoes). But I cannot throw things away knowing that this is it, that they will never be used again, knowing that they were wasted. I hate it. At the same time though, they are just wasting away in my possession, so there really is no difference, is there?

Happy 4th of July!

2010-07-04T16:36:00.000-05:00

To all my readers:

Happy 4th of July!

Therapeutic Blogging

2010-06-27T19:30:00.000-05:00

When I first started my blog about four years ago, I did because I loved writing (and still do) and wanted a place to write whatever I wanted without being censored. It also allowed me to pass the time and make myself think, make my brain work, instead of just being numb from boredom. I also liked it because it was fairly unknown to the world and most people did not have one. (I am weird like that; I like having new, interesting things most people do not have or know about yet.) It became my hobby. I wrote whatever I wanted, whatever came to mind. It was great; I loved it.

In the last year to year and a half though, my blog has been more than just a blog. I no longer write random musings, thoughts, etc. I write as an outlet. It allows me to sort through my thoughts, get them down, organize them, and then go back later to look it over and think about it some more. It allows me to work through whatever it is that needs to be, whatever it is that is on my mind or bothering me. In a way, it is like therapy. And the best part about it: it's free.

Questioning My Sanity

2010-06-25T18:52:00.003-05:00

Do you ever look back on something you did or said and think, "What the hell was I thinking?!" I did that a few times today. Every time I thought about this* post I thought that. Mostly, I thought about what my ex would think if and when he read it. That is when I would think "What the hell was I thinking?!" I worried that once he read it that things would change between us, that it would freak him out and make him rethink the friendship, which is not what I want. I still want to be friends with him.

But I worried, wondered why I thought it was a good idea to post it, and thought about taking it down. Then I realized that no matter what happens with him and our friendship, I wrote that for me. I wrote it because I needed to get it out, organize my thoughts and feelings, and sort through all of it. I would have still accomplished that even if I took it down, but doing so would not be keeping true to myself. I am not sure if I can explain it, but no matter what happens, that post needs to stay up. I need to have it up there for me. So up there it remains.

*For those that read the post before, yes, I did edit it and take some things out. I feel they no longer need to be there. They were there in the first place for myself, but I no longer need it all posted.

A New Day

2010-06-25T01:00:00.002-05:00

In the hour and a half since my last post, a new day has arrived, in more ways than one for me though. In that time, I have had a tremendous turnaround. I went from feeling shitty, hurt, and lost, to great, hopeful, and found. I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and in fact, in a way, it has. By getting everything down, sorting through it, and organizing my thoughts, I was able to see things more clearly. It was as if I needed to write it down and blog about it in order to move past it.

What I really needed though was to not carry it around inside of me anymore. And I no longer am. I feel as if I set myself free, and that is exactly what I did. While I had talked about it before with some friends, I did not tell them everything. I had trouble saying it all out loud. But I was able to blog about all of it, and that made all the difference. I now know that I can move forward, that I will be able to move forward, heal, and get on with my life. And that is exactly what I am going to do.

Coming to America

2010-06-24T23:22:00.002-05:00

In October, my ex is coming back for a month-long visit, and for a friend's wedding. By then, it will have been almost a year and half since he has left, and almost a year since I will have seen him. I am excited, very excited to see him, for while he may not be my boyfriend anymore, I still consider him a very good friend, and it will be great to see my friend.

But I am scared as well. I am scared that everything that I have worked on for months, healing, getting over, and moving on will be gone the instant I see him. And I do not want that. I do not need to be confronted with feelings and emotions so strong that I do not know what to do with them, things I know I can do nothing about. Not to mention I do not want to do that to him, either. But it is going to be hard.

Truth be told though, these feelings have already come up and I have to be honest with myself. I thought I was doing fine, but in the last weeks, I realized I am still in love with him, which really sucks for me since I seem to be the only one. He is seeing someone else now, and I am doing my damn best to move on. But it is hard, and it hurts. Sometimes, I wish I could hate him, or I wish that the relationship ended badly so I would be able to get over it more quickly, more easily. That is not the case though, and honestly, though I may say I wish it were, I do not want that because then we would never be friends, and that I definitely do not want. I am just not sure I can be friends with him right now. It may have worked and been okay for the last five months since we broke up, but I am not sure I can handle it right now. Also, since I am going to see him in four months, it is best that I am past all of this by then as I greatly value our friendship and would not want anything to change it.

Sometimes, I think it would be easier to deal with all of this if I had someone else, if I was dating another man. Then, I would have him, someone else I am into, focused on, enamored with, and my ex will be just that, my ex. But then I wonder if even having another man will help. I mean, my ex was a huge part of my life, and I loved him. I still do. I always will, and that makes me wonder if I will ever truly be over him. But life goes on, and so will I.

(I know he occasionally reads my blog, so if you are reading this, I am sorry. I do not mean to make this hard for you or to put you in a difficult position; that is the last thing I want, but this is my blog, and I need to say this for me. I hope it doesn't make things weird between us, though.)

The Dawn of a New Dream

2010-06-20T22:54:00.000-05:00

I have one more application to send in my quest to get into law school, yet I am hesitating. I am unsure if I want to send it in. If I should even bother. I have sent in four or five other law school applications this year and all have been rejected. The odds are not on my side for this last one. In fact, I think it is safe to say the odds are completely against me. So I hesitate and wonder, and in the meantime, contemplate my other options.

I am unsure if I want to give up on law school and instead focus on something else. Yet, that is what I seem to find myself doing. My problem though, is what to focus on. Yes, I have other areas of interest, journalism for one, but that is not what worries me. What worries me is if I can see pursuing one or two of those areas and doing that for the rest of my life. Or should I go to graduate school and get a degree in something else? But then I am confronted with the same problem: Can I see myself doing that one thing (the thing I spent two more years of education and money on) for the rest of my life? I am not sure.

The weird thing is, I am okay with giving up on law school. No, it is not great, but it is not the end of the world either. Yes, it was my dream for twelve years, but that does not mean I do not have other dreams, or that dreams cannot change. Of course they change, and they change because we change. Maybe, despite how long I have wanted to go to law school and be a lawyer, maybe I was never meant to be one. Maybe I was always meant to be something else.

Meeting Someone

2010-06-18T19:34:00.000-05:00

Since my ex and I broke up he has had three dates (one was a short relationship). I have had none. I do not mention this because I think of it as a competition; I mention it because I am finding it very hard to meet someone. I got lucky with the last two men I dated. In fact, I think of my last two relationship as flukes of some sort. I never intended to meet the two men and date them, but it just happened. I guess you can say I had some good luck and everything sort of fell into my lap.

Now though, I don't know. I have a gut feeling that as easy as those two were to find, this next one, whomever he may be, is going be just as hard (and my gut is always right). This is not because I am picky, or snobby, or anything of the sort. I am not. Yes, I have standards, everyone does, but I do not have an insane amount of criteria, or insane criteria itself, that needs to be met. I just want a nice, Jewish guy who is meant for me. He is out there. I know it. I just find it ironic that in this day and age, where we have so many ways of meeting someone (the internet, mixers, events, friends, etc.), that I am having a hard time doing so.

I do not want to rush anything, though. I am in no way anxious to get married and settle down. But I do want that someone special, and sometimes I cannot help but wonder if he has already passed me by. Not necessarily one of my exes, but maybe someone I knew or already know. I am happy being single, but like most other singles, I want love in my life. Maybe I should just do what I have done before and not look. It seemed to work out well the last two times.

When Your Stomach Drops

2010-06-18T19:05:00.001-05:00

You know the feeling I am referring to- the feeling where everything inside just seems to fall downward. I do not get those moments often, but over the past three or four months I have gotten it more than I would like. I get this feeling whenever my ex tells me he is going on a date or dating someone. The first time he told me, I felt like I was on a roller coaster, when you go down a high drop and your stomach feels like it is dropping with you. Yeah, that is how I felt the first time. It does not hurt to know that he is dating, but for some reason, my stomach just drops when he tells me.

Ok, maybe I do know why. Yes, it is hard to see your ex move on, but what I seem to be struggling with is the image that he is with someone else. It is hard for me to picture anyone else with him but myself. The image of us is still stuck in my head, and it is not because I am jealous, angry, or anything else. It is because when you date someone for two years, you get so used to the image and the idea of the two of you together, that it becomes hard to picture him with anyone else. And who knows, maybe it is hard for him to picture me with someone else. I cannot even picture myself with someone else, yet.

The feeling seems to be fading though, little by little. The more he tells me that he has dates, the less my stomach drops. While I have no idea what these girls look like, it is the image that I am getting used to: him with another girl. However, I cannot wait for the day when my stomach does not drop at all.

My Bad Habit

2010-05-20T23:51:00.001-05:00

Admit it: You have a bad habit. We all do. In fact, some of us probably have more than one. And that is fine. It is human nature to have a bad habit or two. Some people crack their knuckles, some chew on ice, some play with or chew their hair, and some bite their nails, like me. Granted, that list is not all-inclusive, but I think you get the idea. We all have bad habits.

As I just mentioned above, I bite my nails, and pick at my toenails at times (it is actually called onychophagia). I have ever since I can remember. There is even a picture of me when I was about nine months old lying on the changing table, with my foot in my mouth, attempting to chew on one of my toenails. Needless to say, I started early. Now, twenty-fours years later, I am still doing it, though sometimes I do not even realize I am doing it. I am no longer lying on a changing table, nor do I stick my feet in my mouth, but I still bite and pick my nails. It drives me absolutely bananas. And it really pisses me off.

I hate looking at my nails, seeing the little nubs of my fingers, with the even smaller nubs of my finger nails. (OK, that is not true. My nails are not that short, but they are not long and beautiful either.) Over the past ten years I have tried everything, really, everything, to stop biting my nails. You name it, I have (in all probability) tried it. Nothing has worked. Or maybe it worked temporarily, but in the end, I always go back to the tried and true--biting my nails.

I have read quite a bit on this over the years, and everything I have read so far says that nail biting is a reaction to stress, anxiety, excitement, boredom, inactivity, even hunger, and can be a learned behavior from family members. It is also very common (which really does not make me feel any better about it). Over the years, I have also discovered why I bite my nails. I bite due to all the reasons I just mentioned (except for hungry and learned behavior). If I am stressed or anxious, I bite. If I am sitting idly, doing nothing, I bite. If I am watching TV or relaxing, I bite. I bite. Apparently, I do not need a reason. What I have realized though, is that the reason I bite when I am not stressed or anxious, just bored, watching TV, or relaxing, is that I need something to do with my hands. They have to be kept busy. For me, that is the hardest part of not biting my nails. I can resist the urge to bite, I can stop myself if I realize I am doing it, but if I am sitting doing nothing, and my hands are free, I find it very hard to give my hands something to do to keep them occupied.

The last five to six months have been my best, though. I really stuck to it. Granted, I spent quite a bit of money on manicures, but they really helped. I did not bite my nails. Ok, maybe I picked at them, but it was much easier to stop when I saw a manicure on them (or to begin picking at the manicure instead--whatever works, right?). It was also much easier to stop once I actually saw that I had nails. Seeing the actual, real nails on my hands and fingers went a long way for me. Why? Simple really: Because I saw that I had nails, that I could, in fact, grow and have (semi) beautiful nails. I saw the results of not biting them, and I loved it. Not only that, but I was able to use my nails. I absolutely loved it.

I worked very hard at maintaining those nails. I got manicures, gave myself manicures, I made myself stop biting them, resisted the urges I had to do so, and continued to grow nails. And I did it. No, it was not perfect, and yes, I will admit that I did bite some off at times (especially the weaker ones which are so much easier to pick off and therefore so much harder to resist), but I did it. I had nails.

Then, there was a stressor. And off they came. That was about three weeks ago now. You would think that since then I have started to grow my nails again, right? Wrong. Now that they are gone, it is much easier to just continue picking and biting them off. I have nothing to look at, to see what it would look like if I let them grow. All I have are stubs, and the memory of what they used to look like. But I cannot go on a memory. It is very difficult to do this based only on a memory. I need to see it in front of me. I need proof. I need a nail, preferably three or four, to see that I can do it. But I know I can do this. I know. I have done it before, I can do it again. But I just need that one nail, that one starting point, yet I know I will never get it if I keep on picking and biting at what I have left.

The Husband Store

2010-05-09T00:42:00.000-05:00

A brand new department store has just opened in New York City that sells husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the following instructions:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you go up. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

One day a woman goes into the store and rather nervously starts climbing the stairs.

When she gets to the 1st floor a sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.
She thinks, "I can do better than that" and keeps going up.

The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have jobs and love kids.
But she goes up another floor.

The 3rd floor sign reads:

Floor 3: These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5: These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help withthe housework and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a Wives store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.

*I wish I could take credit for this, but I cannot. I found this while reading another blog. It can be found here.

Giving Dating Advice to the Ex

2010-04-23T16:47:00.000-05:00

I was sitting outside last Friday afternoon pretending to be interested in the "tricks" my seven year old cousin was doing on her scooter when my text message alert went off. Thinking it could only be one of three people (my mom, brother, or best friend), I took some time digging my phone out of my coat pocket. To my surprise, it was none of those three people. It was my ex saying hi and asking me what I was doing. I responded and asked why. His answer was that he wanted to talk and needed some advice, and asked if he could call later. I said he could call when I got home and that I would let him know when.

Fast forward two hours. We are on the phone, talking. He says he has something to tell me. He lets me know that he is dating someone, and then tells me he needs some advice on that. He went into more detail, told me more about the girl and the situation, and I gave him my thoughts and opinions. We continued to talk for about ten more minutes, then I had to go. (I am not going to go into detail about the dating or advice; it is not my place and you readers do not need to know those details for the rest of this post.)

Anyway, it got me to thinking. Is giving dating advice to an ex a bad idea? Should an ex even ask you for dating advice, or is that a line that should not be crossed? And if the two of you are still friends, is it weird or normal to ask? There is no right or wrong answer. It really depends on the dynamics the two people have as exes, and as friends after the break-up. Yes, it can be awkward, but I choose not think of it that way. I choose to look at it as that we are friends now and that is what friends do--ask advice from each other. In fact, my first thought when finding out he wanted dating advice from me was that he came to me for it. For me, that speaks volumes. It means that not only does he still value me as a friend, but that he trusts me, that I am still someone he can turn to when he needs to talk and needs advice. Not everyone can remain friends with their ex after a break-up, but for those that can, this is the kind of friendship I wish for them.

Thinking of You

2010-04-17T20:20:00.000-05:00

For almost a year now I have been jobless, and for almost a year now I have had people helping me look for one, without my knowing. These are not the people who will pass along a job to me that they heard or read about, these are people who will go to people they know and ask them about a job for me. I will then receive a message from them to call so-and-so, he/she would like to talk to me about a job, or even better, there is no job, but Mr. Head Honcho would like to talk to me anyway.

Great. Just great. Why? Because even though I am not looking for a job at the time as I am concentrating on the LSATs, law school applications, or waiting to hear from schools, I now have an obligation to call these people. I now have to take time out of my day, put on a friendly, smiley face, be polite and adult-like, and call these people. I have to talk to them for five to ten minutes, rehash my LSAT and law school history and problems, listen to them give me advice that I have probably already heard more times than I can count, thank them for their help, and then say goodbye.

Yes, it is only five or ten minutes, yes, these people who hook me up do have my best interest at heart, yes, I do appreciate it, and yes, who knows, maybe someday in the future it will benefit me, but right now, I do not want them doing this for me. I do not want a job now, I am not looking for one and will not be looking for one until I know what is going with law school. On top of that, I would really like to choose what kind of job to get, where I apply for a job, and whom I talk to about one. It is my life, and I would like to have some control over it. So, while the thoughts and gestures are appreciated, please, let me make my own decisions about what job I would like and where I work.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

2010-04-16T08:21:00.018-05:00

Happy Birthday to the BEST mother in the world! I love you so much!

Rejection Letters

2010-04-14T16:18:00.000-05:00

The other day my mom asked me, "If you heard anything, you'd tell me, right?" She was referring to my law school applications and whether or not I heard back from any schools yet. I replied, "Yes." Truth be told though, I heard back from one school a few weeks ago and did not tell anyone, for two weeks. In fact, I just told my best friend, A, the other day. I still have not told my mom, though I know I have to.

One reason I kept it to myself is that it makes me feel like a failure, even though this is not the first law school rejection letter I have ever received. I felt like a failure last year when I received five rejection letters (though granted, I was expecting all of them). Then, I felt like a failure when I received my most recent LSAT score (because of all the hours of studying I put in), and now I feel like a failure with my latest rejection letter. It is just one thing after another.

Part of the reason this rejection letter was so much more of a disappointment and failure is because this time, I aimed low when applying. I am only applying to schools that I have a chance of being accepted at, so when one school like that tells me "No, sorry, even though we are on the lowest tier as far as law schools go, we still do not want you," it naturally makes me feel like a failure. (That is not what they really said, but that is basically what it comes down to.) The letter also made any hope I had of getting into other schools disappear.

Another reason I did not tell anyone until recently is not only because I feel like a failure, but because I am the type of person that needs time to absorb and process this kind of information, and in this case, the disappointment and failure. I did the same thing when my ex-boyfriend and I broke up. I did not tell anyone right away as I needed time to process and absorb. This time, not only did I need time, but as I said, it was, is, a disappointment. A great disappointment. Yes, it was only one school out of about six, but a rejection letter is still a rejection letter, and failure is still failure, no matter what. So when I received that letter two weeks ago, I read it, left it on my desk for a few days, then ripped it up and recycled it, not telling anyone anything. I was in no hurry to broadcast my rejection, to anyone.

Happy Passover!

2010-03-29T14:17:00.001-05:00

To all my Jewish (and non-Jewish) readers:

My apologies for the lack of posts as of late, but I'll be back with more after the holiday is over. In the meantime, if anyone wants a good laugh, check this out. Enjoy the holiday and the matzah!

Anti-Social

2010-03-22T14:47:00.000-05:00

Some people might call me anti-social. I hate running into people I know (except good friends), anytime, anywhere. In fact, I purposely avoid people I know if I see them somewhere. If I see them coming towards me, I will turn around and go the other way. I hate the small talk, the pretending to care what is going on in their life, what they are up to, and them doing the same to me. I hate it. I have not seen them in who-knows-how-long, and if neither one of us cared enough to seek the other out beforehand and catch up, it goes without saying that we definitely do not care now. I do not even care enough to stop and get whatever gossip I can. It is all so fake. So why bother? Why pretend?

I do not do this to everyone, though. There are certain people I do not mind running into, but those people are few and far between. So unless I see those people when I am out, I will be doing my best to avoid others. However, if you see me and talk to me, I will not be mean; I will talk to you, but do not expect it to be a long conversation like one would have with a friend. It will be short and sweet. So if you see me, and feel the need to talk, go ahead, but you will probably see the back of my head as I run in the opposite direction.

What Are You Up To These Days?

2010-03-22T14:38:00.000-05:00

Maybe it is just me, but I feel as if I have been asked that question a lot lately. For some odd reason, I seem to be running into people who have the need to know this about me, and I hate answering. Not because I am ashamed that I do not have a job or that I am not in school, but because I know what most of them are probably thinking, or going to think when they hear it. They are going to judge me in some way, shape, or form, and I hate that. Yes, I do have a few part-time jobs, and I do all the errands for my mom, and believe it or not, I am happy and love where I am at in my life, but I also know people will still think of the fact that I do not have a full-time job or are in school. In other words, I am not doing anything productive or worthwhile.

Honestly, I do not care what they think or if they judge me, but at the same time, I do not want to sound like I am not being productive, like I do nothing. So, in order to sound like I actually have goals and do not want to be a bum, I tell them (after telling them that I am not really doing much of anything) that I am in the middle of applying to law schools. And their responses go from glum to peppy: "Oh" to "OH!" Then of course, that opens a whole new door that I would really prefer not to walk into, but have to since I opened it. I now have to answer all their questions about that. Where I am applying to, what kind of law, have I taken the LSATs yet, etc, etc. Thankfully, the conversation wanes after that and we are both off to continue whatever we were doing.

I may not really be up to anything or doing anything these days, and quite frankly, I love it and am happy. So judge me all you want and think whatever you want. I may hate it, but I do not really care. I do not have to answer or explain my self to anyone. I will keep doing what I am doing, and hopefully, next time I run into you, it will be when I am lawyer. In fact, next time, it might be across of a courtroom.

Moving On Again

2010-03-16T15:00:00.001-05:00

Moving on after a breakup is not easy, at all. A person needs time to heal, mend his or her heart, and adjust. Some people are able to move on after a short period; some are not. And some try to move on before they are ready, sometimes without realizing that they are not ready.

That is what I did. I let myself heal and adjust a bit, and then I tried moving on. I started looking for the next guy. I asked friends if they knew of anyone for me, and when I came up empty, I joined a few Jewish dating sites. I met and talked to some guys, most of whom are really very nice, sweet men that I enjoyed talking to. But...(There is always a "but" isn't there?)

But I kept going back to him. My ex. I thought of him when talking to those guys, compared them to him. I could not help but go back to him, and it bothered me, really bothered me. Maybe it is normal, but I cannot help but wonder, why do I keep thinking of him? Does this mean that I have not moved on? Am I not over him like I thought? Am I not ready to move on?

I am ready to move on. I know I am. But maybe I am not quite over him yet, which is normal. Yes, it is better than it was, but not complete. We were together for two years; if I got over him so quickly then either the relationship was not as good as I thought, I did not love him as much as I thought, or else there is something wrong with me. But I know that none of those are the case. Yet, there is a part of me that feels that the only way I will completely move on and get over him is to actually move on, to be in another relationship. In other words, maybe I need a "rebound."

Imagine Me and You

2010-03-09T16:17:00.000-06:00

"Me and you and you and me,

No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be

The only one for me is you, and you for me

So happy together...."

-"Happy Together," The Turtles

You date someone. Things are going well, very well, you know where it is headed. You love him (or her), and you know he (or she) loves you, and a picture begins to form: The two of you, together, married, with children, jobs, a house. You picture your life together, and you see it all.

Then, it is over. No longer is there "the two of us." Your lives are now separate, no longer so intertwined, no longer dependent on the other. But the picture you had of your life together? That is still there. You still see it sometimes, especially in the beginning. It is like a movie that keeps repeating in your head; sometimes it is just one scene, other times, it is many. But as time goes on, the movie fades, and you are just left with a scene or two. It is those few that play in your head occasionally long after the relationship is over, after you both have moved on.

I mention this because I did this; I do this. Still. I still sometimes get those short scenes in my head, imagining a future that I know is no longer possible, a future I that I have let go. It is not something I want to picture anymore. It makes me feel like I am clinging to the past, like I am wishing and hoping for something that I know will never happen. Yet, sometimes I cannot help it. They are just there, at random moments, playing in my head. Like an old, sentimental movie that I just cannot seem to say goodbye to, but know I have to.

The Results Are In

2010-03-01T21:26:00.000-06:00

Yes, they are. I am not referring to the Olympics. I am referring to my LSAT score, which I received a few days ago. It is in the same range as it has always been in, which means I am back to where I started. Actually, I guess I never left. But I am not mad, angry, or upset. I am not even disappointed. I am just frustrated, but not even that much. I am frustrated because I put in a lot of time, effort, and money this last time to get a better score, and yet, it did not work. I was not expecting a huge increase, I am realistic, but a score that was a bit higher would have been nice. Like I said though, I was not expecting much, if anything, so it is hard to be let down.

That being said, while I may be done with the LSATs, I am not finished. I am still applying to law schools, but this time, they are schools where I have a chance of getting in; schools that accept a score like mine. I am in the midst of applying now, so, please keep your fingers crossed and me in your prayers.

Meant To Be

2010-02-25T17:00:00.002-06:00

“What's meant to be will always find a way.” -Trisha Yearwood

“Everything happens for a reason. Every action has a reaction. Always remember that whats meant to be will always find a way to come about.”-Anonymous

Over the past weeks I have been doing quite a bit of thinking about my recently ended relationship, and I have come to one very major realization: If it were meant to be, it would be. If we were meant to be together, it would not have been so hard, so difficult to do so. There would not have been so many walls in front of us. It would have been easier. I am not saying that relationships do not have difficulties; they do. What I am saying is for that relationship, for my relationship, if it were meant to happen, we would not have been stonewalled. We would have found some way to make it work; there would have been some way to make it work. But it was not meant to be.

It took me awhile to realize this because at first, I was in it. I was too involved. Then, when I was no longer in the relationship, I was too hurt to even think of anything like that. My thoughts were focused on just getting through it and getting through the day. It was only after the hurt was gone, after I was no longer so completely involved and could think about it more clearly, that I was able to take a step back from it all and assess it from the outside. That was when I came to this realization. I came to realize that it should not be so hard to be together; that if we were truly meant to be together, there would have been a way.

I also realized that maybe we were meant to be together for those two years. Maybe we were not meant to last, but maybe, for whatever reason, we each needed the other at that point in our lives. However, that part is over now, and we do not need each other the same way anymore. We are each moving in different, opposite, directions in our lives.; I would like to think we helped each other get there, get to these points in our lives, but that it is no longer needed. Like I said, if it were meant to be, it would have been.

Trusting Myself

2010-02-24T14:49:00.000-06:00

When I'm trusting and being myself... everything in my life reflects this by falling into place easily, often miraculously. -Shatki Gawain

I learned you have to trust yourself, be what you are, and do what you ought to do the way you should do it. You have got to discover you, what you do, and trust it. -Barbra Streisand

I have always trusted myself and trusted my gut. I learned to do that a long time ago. But over the last few months I admit that I had a hard time doing so. It was not that I did not know what my gut was telling me, what I knew to be right, but I hard time doing it. I was torn, about everything, being pulled in all sorts of directions, one part of myself telling me one thing while another part told me something else. But inside, somewhere, I knew all the right answers, I knew what had to be done, in every aspect of my life that I was unsure about. It was just trusting myself that I could do it, and that I was doing what was right, that was difficult for me.

But I did it, all of it. I trusted myself, and everything turned out well. Better than I anticipated, actually. Knowing that I was making the right choices helped tremendously, even if they were hard decisions to make. I learned to trust myself again by being honest with myself about everything--what I was truly feeling, what I truly wanted, and what I knew to be right. Things are finally back on track in my life, and that is because I trusted myself.

Three Weeks With J

2010-02-23T20:31:00.001-06:00

The first three weeks in February I spent babysitting my three and half year old cousin while her regular babysitter was on vacation. For her age, she is extremely bright and very well spoken. She also has to tell you every little thing that has happened, is happening, or will happen, in precise detail. These are some of my favorite stories from those weeks (and the ones I remember).

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Thursday, February 4th:
I went to Target and Jewel with her, and while there, I gave her a "job" to do to keep her occupied (crossing off items on the list, but I had to point them out to her since she cannot read yet). When we got back to her house, I thanked her for her help.
Me: Thank you for your help today, J. You were really a big help.
J: K. I know.

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While at Target, I bought her a small Barbie bathtub set. She could not wait to get home and open it. She was so excited, she insisted on holding it the whole time while there and in the car on the way home. When we got home, I spent ten minutes opening it up, getting out all the little pieces, and removing all the plastic pieces that holds it all in place. When I was done, she sat down on the floor and played with it. Ten minutes later....

J: Uh, Jill, I don't want this anymore.
Me: What?
J: Well, I didn't really want this.
Me: Then why did you ask for it? You said you were sure.
J: Well, what I really wanted was the phone, not this. (We saw a fake cell phone there, too, which she fingered for two seconds.)
Me: Well, J, it's too late now. I bought it, paid for it, and opened it up. I can't return it now. You're stuck with it. If you don't want it, don't play with it.
J: Ok.

The next day, she spent an hour playing with it.

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Friday, February 5th:
I was playing with her after I had come back from The Oprah Winfrey Show. I do not recall exactly what I said, but this is the conversation:
J: WHAAAAATTTT?
Me, laughing: Where'd you learn that? School, J? (Her brother's name also begins with J.)
J: Hannah Montana
Me: Oh. How lovely.
(Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana actually says, "Say what?" For those of you who do not know what that sounds like, watch this. J says it the exact same way.)

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J has a brother who is four and half years older than her, whose name also begins with J. They have a typical brother-sister relationship, except for one thing: J does not take any c*ap from her brother. In fact, for a three and half year old, she is downright bossy with him. For this story, she will be J1, and he will be J2.

Tuesday, February 10th:
It is about 5PM. J's brother, J2, is home from school. I was upstairs in the dining room, reading a book, and J1 and J2 were downstairs, watching tv. I did not hear the beginning of the conversation, and did not really hear all of J2's part of the conversation, but here is what I heard:

J1: ...You hit pause, and don't unpause it. You can do that when I come back.
J2: Ok.
J1: J, just pause it. I'm going upstairs and when I come back, we'll unpause it.
J2 responded, which I did not hear.
J1: Ok, I'm going upstairs now. Don't unpause it. I'll be right back.
J1 runs upstairs and throws something away in the garbage. She then runs back downstairs, and I hear:
J1: J, you unpaused it! Why did you do that? I told you not to do that!

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Tuesday, February 16th:
We are standing outside, waiting for her carpool, and J was kind of gliding/sliding in the snow on the sidewalk.
Me: J, why are you walking in the snow?
J: I'm cleaning the sidewalk!
Me: Oh, ok. Good job. Keep going.

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Thursday, February 18th
We are playing Uno for the billionth time, and at one point when it is my turn, I placed a "Draw Two" card down and then it was her turn...
J (upon seeing the card): Whaaat?
Me, laughing: What?
J: Say what? Say what? Say what? (Just like the Hannah Montana video above.)
I cracked up.

Playing Chutes and Ladders, just the two of us:
J: We don't know who's going to win. Either you're going win, or I'm going to win. So it's going to be you or me.
Me: Yes, well, considering that it's only the two of us playing, then yes, it has to be one of us.

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Saturday, February 20th:

I babysat for them Saturday night, and before her parents left, they put her to bed. Her dad took her into her room for bed, and I heard:

J: Leave the door open because I'm going to get up later because I'll wake up.

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General J'isms:
J, when referring to anything in the past, no matter when: One daaaaay agoooo....

She also says "like" quite a lot (and she is not even a teenager yet).
J: Like, one daaaay agoooooo, I went to like, the store with my daddy, and like, we, like....

That is all I can think of for now, and considering my three weeks with her are over, I do not think I will have any more for awhile. Hope everyone got a laugh out of these!

Snow Days

2010-02-18T12:59:00.000-06:00

The first fall of snow is not only an event, it is a magical event. You go to bed in one kind of a world and wake up in another quite different, and if this is not enchantment then where is it to be found? ~J.B. Priestley

Remember when we were younger and we could not wait for snow days? Waking up in the morning, seeing all the white on the ground and the white that continued to fall in thick, heavy flakes, and praying to G-d that at some point in the next hour, you would hear the beautiful words, "School is canceled today" And when you finally heard the news, you would heave a huge sigh of relief. No school, playing outside in the snow for hours on end, watching tv during the day, and hot cocoa with marshmallows. Was there a better way to spend the day?

I remember those days, maybe not all that well, but I still remember them. Where I live though, we rarely get snow days. We are the Midwest, we know how to handle snow (unlike some other states and cities that cancel everything when they get an inch of snow). Heck, it is normal for us to be covered in inches of snow throughout winter. Nowadays though, I no longer pray for snow days; I pray for days without snow, or at least a minimal amount.

Yet, despite my hatred of snow (and slush and ice), I absolutely love the first snowfall of winter. The first time the snow falls, I just stand by the window and look outside, taking it in and wondering at the beauty of it. There is just something so beautiful about it, and not just when it falls, but when it covers everything and I look outside and it is all white. There is just something so beautiful, so magical about it.

A week later though, I am ready for spring and some warm weather.

Everything Happens For A Reason

2010-02-10T14:48:00.000-06:00

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. -Douglas Adams

For those that do not know me, and even for those who do, I am a big believer in everything happening for a reason. I may not always know the reason, but I believe that it was meant to happen. The reason I bring this up is that, one night last week my friend asked me if I was happy. I thought about it for a few seconds and replied, "Yes and no."

Let me begin with the "no" answer. I cannot say that I am unhappy, for I am not. However, considering that this is not where I wanted to be at this time in my life, a year and a half after graduating college, yes, in a way, I am unhappy, but only in the sense of how everything turned out. Things did not go as I had planned. If I had known that this is where I would have ended up now, I would not have set my hopes so high, and it would have made the transition from college to the real world easier. It would have made realizing that my dreams might not happen, or might not happen the way I wanted them to happen, easier.

But yes, I am happy with my life as it is, despite how things ended up. No, I did not end up where I wanted to be at this time in my life, but I do believe I am where I am supposed to be. I believe that I was supposed to end up here-- unemployed, living at home, trying a number of times to succeed on the LSATs and get into law school, and single. Of this I have no doubt. I am where I am supposed to be.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, including all of this. I may not know all, or any of the reasons, but I do not need to know them. All I need to know is that this is where I am in my life and this is where I was supposed to end up, and that I am who I am because of it. And I am happy, very happy.

Adventures in Chauffeuring

2010-02-07T22:24:00.000-06:00

For three days a few weeks ago I picked up my friends' nephew from school and took him to his playgroup or babysitter. Basically, I chauffeured him from one place to the next. He is a cute boy, and very bright. He is very talkative and inquisitive, and says some of the funniest, and sometimes adult-like, things at times. Here are some of the conversations I had with him.

Monday (driving down McCormick Blvd.):
Him: What speed are you going?
Me: Forty-four.
Him, a few minutes later: What speed are you going now?
Me: Forty-six.
Him: But the sign says forty.
Me: Ummm...Yeah. I, ummm, accidentally pressed too hard on the accelerator.
(He continued to ask me what speed I was going for the rest of the fifteen minute ride, and then told me what the actual speed limit was.)

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Tuesday (at the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru):
(I had turned on the windshield wipers to clean my window.)
Him: Why did you do that?
Me: My windshield was dirty so I had to clean it.
Him: Oh. Your wipers go like this. (He mimics the motion with his hands.)
Me: Yes, they do.
Him: Do all wipers go that way?
Me: I don't know. Maybe.
Him: Well, my Abba's wipers go the other way. (Mimics that too.)
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Can you turn yours on again?
Me: No.
Him: Why?
Me: I don't need them anymore. My window is clean now.
Him: Oh, ok.

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Tuesday (on the way to the babysitter):
Him: What time is it?
Me: Twelve fifty-eight. Almost one o'clock.
Him: There is no one o'clock. It's a hundred.
Me: Yes, it looks like one hundred, but when you tell time, it's one o'clock.
Him: No, it's one hundred o'clock.
Me: No. There's one hundred, and one o'clock. When you learn to tell time it is one o'clock.
Him: Hmmmm....I'll have to talk to my mom about that and see.
Me: Ok. You do that.

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Wednesday (arriving at the playgroup, getting out of the car):
Him: Oy! I'm so tired!
Me: You are? Why?
Him: I barely slept at all last night!
Me, thinking, "Kid, you have no idea..."
Me: Oh, why was that?
Him: I don't know! I just didn't sleep and I'm so tired.
Me: Well, maybe you'll get a good night's sleep tonight.
Him: I hope so! I'm just so tired right now!

We had many more interesting and funny conversations, but unfortunately, that is all I remember. However, I am watching my three and half year old cousin for three weeks, of which two are left, so I will definitely be adding some stories from her.

Let's Play A Game

2010-02-03T13:25:00.000-06:00

A blogger friend of mine recently wrote a post about how women think, as in how they operate in a relationship. In it, she describes a typical scenario of a woman asking her man if she looks fat in a dress, and of course, the man giving the "wrong" answer. The scenario might have been exaggerated a bit, but the point definitely came across. As I read the blog, commented, and read the follow up comments, I was thinking about relationships and the mind games both sides play while in one.

Games are all about testing each other. I read an article* recently about the mind games women play. In it, the author (a man) states, "So why do women indulge in these silly mind games? Well, for one thing, they're women. And women think and react with their emotions -- at least more than men do, in general. But it's really about testing us. And tests are ultimately all about control of the relationship." Yes, we are women (thanks for pointing that out); yes, women are mostly guided by their emotions and definitely more so than men are; and yes, we do play mind games to test men. However, it is not done out of a desire for control.**

For women, it is about testing the strength of the relationship. IF a woman does something like that, it is because she wants her man to know, without her having to tell him, certain things. It is done out of desire to know whether or not our man truly knows us, whether he understand us on a deeper level. For women, it shows that he pays attention, that he cares, and like I said, that he understands his woman as an individual. And we want them to know this without having to tell them, because, well, if he truly knows, then we would not have to tell him, right?

WRONG. As a woman who was recently in a two year relationship, I tried not do that to my ex very much (at least I hope not, though he can attest to that, but I did try not to), there were certain times I did hint at things and see if he caught on. But I quickly learned that men are not mind readers, and, as much as we would like them to be, they only know as much as we tell them. And no, most men cannot read between the lines when women speak. If you want him to know something, you have to tell him. Sometimes repeatedly. (Men, take note: Having us repeat something to you more than two or three times will piss us off.)

Relationships are complicated enough. Do not make them more complicated by expecting men to just know things and read between the lines. Communication is key to a successful, healthy, and happy relationship, especially honest and effective communication, and like I said, expecting people to be mind readers is not going to help. If there was one thing I learned in my relationship, it was that.

*For those that read the article, please note that the author is not quite correct in all his statements. Some are overly exaggerated, and others are just wrong, though some are correct. (He really should have consulted some women on this before writing.)
**Please also note that I do not speak for all women. These are my feelings and thoughts, and though I do think that some, if not most, women would agree, I do not assume that all women are like this and feel this way.

One Of Those Days

2010-02-01T18:00:00.003-06:00

Do you ever have one of those days where you are exhausted, can't seem to keep your eyes open, yet, somehow the day passes by very quickly, but you have no idea how that happened? Today was that day for me. Not a bad day, but definitely not a good day. I slept horribly last night, got up at an ungodly hour in the morning, yet, somehow, managed to make it to 6PM without a nap. To top it all off, I actually got a few hours of studying done!

But here I sit. It is almost 6PM, I am watching my cousin, playing endless games of Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook, and listening to music to drown out my little cousins' music. And now the time is dragging. It is too late for a nap and I cannot study because I am too exhausted, yet I have nothing to do. What does that leave me? Time to think. I hate that. I do not want to think, about anything, especially today when I am going on about three hours of sleep. But especially about the one thing I cannot seem to keep my thoughts away from the past few days. I do not want to think about that. I refuse to think about that. I want to avoid it, and everything about it.

Yet, here I am, sitting, blogging, and thinking about it somewhat. I would work on other blog posts if I thought they would come out even the least bit coherent, just to get my mind on something else, but I do not think I would even understand what I would try to write. I guess I will go back to playing endless games Bejeweled Blitz.

What Hurts The Most

2010-01-31T22:54:00.000-06:00

In the twenty-fours hours plus since my relationship ended, I have been doing quite a lot of thinking. I realized that while yes, breaking up is extremely heartbreaking, that for me, right now, what hurts the most is that my hopes for a future with him are gone. The last time we broke up, about six months ago, I still had that hope. At that time he had not already decided to stay, so my hope that he would come back in a few years and that we could have a future then were still there. But now, now he is staying, and my hopes for a future are dashed. I no longer have even that shred of hope to hang onto, and unless one of us changes our minds (which is very unlikely), I will not even have that hope later on. That is what hurts the most. I think that is what I am grieving for most of all.

The Call

2010-01-31T19:00:00.001-06:00

At 2:30 this afternoon my phone rang. It was him. I knew it before I even looked at the caller ID. (I am not a psychic; he has his own ringtone on my phone, so as soon as I heard it, I knew.) He was calling. A million things ran through my head as I scrambled to answer the phone and pause the music that was playing on my computer. "Why was he calling? Should I answer? Isn't it too soon? What am I going to say?" along with many more thoughts and questions.

I answered, and the first thing I thought that it was so good to hear his voice. He asked me how I was doing, and for a split second, I considered lying, saying that I was fine, doing well. I knew he would see right through that though, but more importantly, I did not want to lie. So, I told him that I had been better, but that I knew I would be okay. He said he was feeling the same. I asked him if we made a mistake. I know we did not, but I needed to hear him say that. I needed to know that he felt it was right also. And he did. He told me exactly what I needed to hear, from the exact person I needed to say it.

And then we talked. Just talked, as if nothing had changed. But it had changed, and we both knew it. Yet, we were still able to talk, to carry on a conversation like we had before, without anything being weird or awkward. We talked for fifteen minutes, and then I had to go. But when I hung up the phone, I did so feeling better about everything. I knew then that we would remain friends, that we would not just fall out of touch and as if the past two years had not happened. Yes, it still hurts, but it is not as sharp. After that phone call, I not only knew that we would remain friends, but I also knew that despite how much it hurts at times, that I will be fine, and so will he.

The Impasse

2010-01-31T16:29:00.000-06:00

I know I have written about it before, and have gone back and forth on the issue, but this is something I have been very torn about from day one. Even now, after breaking up, I still think about, I still consider it. I think about leaving, moving to Israel. Forever. I think about giving up everything here and leaving it all behind. When the pain is sharp, and very present, I think I can do it. I mean really, truly do it. I think about living there, being with him, and I know that I if I do decide to do it, that I will be happy. I have no doubt about that. The idea of picking up my life, giving up what I have and want, seems like a small price to pay, because everything I want is 8,000 miles away.

But then, the pain fades, and I am no longer sure I can do it forever. Yes, I can do it for a few years, knowing that I, we, would be coming back. But knowing that I would be there forever, well, I am not sure I can do that. Maybe I am not strong enough or courageous enough, to pick up and leave my life, family, and friends, and everything I have ever dreamed about behind. I just do not have it in me to something so extreme, so life changing. At the same time though, I would be living another dream of mine. The one where he is in it. Yes, it would be leaving one dream behind to fulfill another, but it would still be leaving one of my dreams behind. And I ask myself, can I really do that to myself? Can I leave a part of myself, part of my dreams, behind to follow?

As soon as I ask myself that question, I know the answer. No, I cannot. Not only am I still trying to live out one of my dreams, but giving that part of myself up would not do anyone any good. Yes, I would be happy, but there would also be a part of me that would not be, the part of me that would be saying "what if?" That would not be fair to anyone, at all. So, as much as I do want to go there, I know that it would not be making the right decision. At least not right now. But who knows what the future holds. I just know, that right now, at this time in my life, it is not the right decision for me, and that making a decision like that, when I feel the way I do, is not a good idea. I need to heal, but more importantly, I need to follow my dreams first, just the way he is following his.

The Hardest Thing

2010-01-31T02:33:00.006-06:00

"Never be sad for what is over, just be glad that it was once yours."

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever, the same."

Last night I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I had to let go and walk away. I walked away from the most important thing in my life, from the most important person. And it was the hardest thing I have ever done.

I told him to find someone new, someone who wants to live in Israel forever. Yet, as I told him that, everything inside of me was screaming not to, to keep my mouth shut and just let it be. But I knew I could not, so I told him, and here we are. Both suffering, both having our hearts break. Yes, we have done this before, but this time, there is a finality to it that was not there the last time. This time, I know there is no hope for a future for us. He definitely wants to stay there, and I definitely do not want to live there forever. A few years, sure, but not forever. (I will admit though, that right now, moving there forever sounds like an excellent idea.)

As I sit here and write this, I try to keep telling myself that it is all for the best. That we did the right thing, that it was not a mistake. That maybe, despite what I thought and how I feel, that maybe we were really not meant to be together forever. Maybe we were there for each other and fell in love at the right time in each others' lives. Yet, no matter what I tell myself, I cannot help but cry and feel as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on. All I know is that right now, my heart is breaking, I am crying like a baby, and that this is the hardest thing I have ever done and will ever have to get over (if I can get over it; I wonder if anyone ever completely does).

I know he is hurting too, and I care and worry. I do not want him to hurt and suffer, but I know he is, and I wish I could help him, heal him. But I also know I cannot. I know that he has to deal with this in his own way, in his own time, and that as much as I want to call or text him and make sure he is okay, that I should not. But why is it the one person I want to comfort the most (and the one person I want to comfort me the most), is the one person I cannot?

At the same time though, I know we have both had a huge weight lifted off our shoulders. Neither one of us has to worry about the relationship, about what is going to happen, where we are headed, what we are going to do, and when. We have an answer. We have closure. We will stay friends, of that I have no doubt, but I am still losing him. Somewhere though, in the back of my mind, I know that I will be okay, that I will heal, and that he will too, and that we will both move on (call me selfish or whatever, but I hope and pray to G-d that I am the first one who does), however, as I said, right now, my heart is breaking, and I am having a hard time seeing past that.

The Countdown Begins

2010-01-25T15:32:00.003-06:00

The LSATs are exactly three weeks from today, which means I have exactly three weeks left to improve upon, well, everything. The nice thing is that now I know what I am good at and I know what I am horrible at. The question remains though is whether or not I can get better at the questions I am terrible at, or whether I should let those go and focus on the easier ones and the ones I know I can improve upon. In the LSAT though, every correct answer counts. In fact, in the LSAT, just getting five to seven more questions right can not only raise a score, but can also raise the percentile a person falls into by ten. Ten percentile points just for answering five to seven more questions correctly. When applying to law school, that can make all the difference.

I have not taken a practice test in almost two weeks. The last time I took one my score went down eight points from the previous practice test. Needles to say, not good. I think much of it may have been my fault though. I really did not want to take the test then, made myself do it, and by the end of each section I was more than ready to be done. It showed. I also did not study or review very much before I took it, which was clearly a mistake. So, I decided to just study for awhile before taking another test and ordered three new books to study with, the PowerScore Trilogy Set. (I ordered from Amazon, without the Logic Games Workbook). I am currently working on the Logical Reasoning book. (Just as a FYI, the Logical Reasoning section is worth fifty percent of a person's LSAT score. It is worth more than any other section on the test, which is why I am focusing on it first.)

I will admit, I have my good days and my bad days. Days where I feel I will do better on the test when the time comes, and days when I wonder if I am crazy for doing this a fourth time. I also have moments where I think I should postpone it (again) until June. At the same time though, I want to be done with this, and I know that postponing will just make me postpone studying, which would defeat the purpose of moving it to June. My biggest problem is though, that I know I am improving, I know I am understanding things enough to improve (it definitely shows when I answer questions in the books), but it is just not translating to the tests. Like I said, I think part of it is my fault, but the other part? That I do not know. I think the time issue is what gets to me, along with the fact that the questions get harder as each section progresses, which takes me more time to complete. I do not have enough time to analyze it and really go into depth while studying and taking practice tests. Maybe if I had more time I would, but right now, I really think I need to focus on getting the questions right that I know I can get right, and practicing getting most of the other questions right. I am not aiming for a high score; I have to be reasonable and realistic here. All I am really aiming for at this point is a score high enough to get me in somewhere.

Anyway, my break from studying is over, so I am going to hit the books some more. In the meantime, keep your fingers crossed for me, pray, or whatever, and hopefully I will be back soon for another post (but if not, you know why).

The Lesser of Two Evils

2010-01-20T01:16:00.007-06:00

“Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.” -Anonymous

“Remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons. Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible.” -Cherie Carter-Scott

Life is full of choices. Yet, it the hard ones that we remember, that we agonize over, wondering what to do, and if what we choose is the right decision. I have had to make some very tough decisions in my life, but none seem more difficult than the ones that deal with love, and in my case, losing it. But who said love was easy, right?

My boyfriend and I had a long, honest conversation with each other tonight. It was tense and awkward in some moments, both of us thinking the same thing, and knowing the other was thinking it too, but not wanting to say it out loud. Not wanting to admit it. We were both thinking of breaking up, but neither one of us could let go, was willing to let go. At least, I know I was not and I do not think he was either. So, we decided to be in a open relationship (thanks to my brilliant idea), meaning that if someone comes along for one or both of us that we want to date, we are free to try, but have to tell the other about it.

I will be honest here, I hate this arrangement, absolutely hate it. I have no idea what I was thinking when I suggested it. (Ok, I do know what I was thinking.) I am willing to give it a try because it is a heck of a lot better than the other option, breaking up. I cannot lose him. I just cannot. Maybe I am delaying the inevitable, I don't know. But right now, all I know is that I am not ready to give up, I am not ready to let go. Maybe it is unfair to both of us, especially in the long run, but if I read him correctly, he is not willing to let go either. So it was either staying together in some form or breaking up. I took (what I consider to be) the lesser of two evils.

We are still at a standstill about the future--him not knowing where he is going to be in two years (but the odds of him staying there permanently are very high), my not knowing about law school, him not knowing when he goes into the army (which brings up another issue if I would move there--I would rarely see him), and my not wanting to live there forever. Not knowing any of that makes it very difficult. If we want this to work, one of us will have to give and sacrifice, the question is how much that person is willing to sacrifice and what the sacrifice will cost the person.

As I was thinking about this tonight, the more I thought about it, the more I seriously considered moving there, forever, if that is what he wants. I always said I could never live there, but that I could probably do it for a year or two, provided I knew that we were definitely coming back. But tonight I actually considered moving there forever. Never before had I thought that, or even seriously considered it. It would require a huge sacrifice on my part, huge. I would be leaving everything here, everything that means something to me, everything that I am attached to, life as I know it, and honestly, I am not sure I could even do that, if I have it in me to do that. If it came to that though, I would try because it means that I would be with him.

Third Time's the Charm

2010-01-14T21:57:00.000-06:00

Or, in my case, the fourth time. At least that is what I am hoping. Praying. I am placing all my cards on this one last time, my one last shot. And because it is my last time, I am filled with angst and indecision about everything. Will I be ready in three weeks? Should I change the date (again) so I can study more? Will studying more even help me? Should I get a private tutor? Am I just not cut out to do this and am having an extremely hard time acknowledging it? Should I just give up and let it go?

Those are just the questions that are constantly repeated in my head. There are more floating around in there. Obviously, I do not have the answers to any of those questions. (If I did, I would not be here.) The only answer I have is that because this is my last shot, I want to give it my all. I want to go in knowing that I did everything in my power to succeed, knowing that I am as ready as I will ever be to do it, and if that means moving the date again, then so be it. Then, and only then, will I be able to let it go.

Reflections

2010-01-09T18:32:00.001-06:00

"One year will change a life forever."

As we rang in the New Year, and a new decade, last week, I read and heard many people wondering where they were and what they were doing ten years ago when we rang in the new millennium. As I sat and listened to them, or read what they wrote, I asked myself the same question. Where was I, at that very moment, ten years ago? Well, the boring answer is I was babysitting, while my cousins went out and partied in the New Year. I had just turned fourteen, in eighth grade, six months away from graduating. I was young. I was very young, innocent, and naive. I had dreams and aspirations; dreams I never thought could be deterred in any way, and aspirations I thought I would reach.

Now it is ten years later. I am twenty-four. I am no longer (as) young, and definitely no longer innocent and naive. I still have those dreams and aspirations I had back then, but these days they include the real world, reality, and everything in between, everything that could, and does, get in the way. I have a Bachelor's degree that gets me no where, no job, and loans to pay off. More than anything else though, I have no idea in what direction my life is headed. Ten years ago, I had it mapped out to a "T."

Then I thought about where I was last year, how I celebrated New Years then. As I recalled, I remembered that when I rang in 2009 last year, I had everything mapped out then as well. Granted, there had been some bends in the road, but for the most part, I knew where I was headed. My life was on track, going in the right direction, the direction I wanted. I had a job, I was working on getting into law school, I had a great relationship (that I thought I knew where it was headed), and great family and friends. Things were going well. Now, it is a year later, and nothing has gone the way I planned. At all. Almost everything has changed.

I realized then that a life can change greatly in ten years, and is expected to change greatly in that time span. After all, ten years is a long time. But a year can be a long time, too. Life can change just as much in one year as it can in ten. Mine did, and it taught me to expect the unexpected, that I can plan all I want, but that G-d might be laughing at me for planning. I have learned to do my best, try my hardest, and not give up, but I have also learned to take things as they come. So, here's to a 2010 that will bring the unexpected, inspiration, change for the better, and the realization of childhood dreams.

I Just Can't Win

2010-01-08T14:42:00.001-06:00

Do you have one person where, no matter what you say or how you say it, what you do or how you do something, you will just never win? I do. Boy, do I have someone exactly like that. I have blogged about this person before, and frankly, I am sick of blogging about him, but then again, blogging is a great outlet and right now I need that.

If you guessed my brother you would very correct. Last week we had a fight. I will not go into details because, well, I don't want to. But we had a fight, a big one. Then again, when he and I fight, we do not do it in small doses. We go all out. Though now "all out" is either through text or email since he no longer lives at home. Ever have a fight with someone over email? It's just about as fun as having a fight with someone in person, which is no fun at all.

So anyway, the fight. I'll give you some detail since it will make this easier to understand. We were fighting over the car, of course. It is a fight we have had many times before (and it is getting very old). He feels that since he is never home and I have the car "at my disposal," that he should get the car when he is home, even if it is "my night" (as per our previous arrangement, which I think is beyond ridiculous now that he is not living at home). Therefore, he goes ahead and makes plans with friends, assuming that he can have the car that night, even though he has yet to ask me. There is much more to it than that, and I know that by not explaining it more that I come off as the "bad guy" here, but it is too intricate and long to explain, and like I said, I do not feel like going into detail. I will say this though, my biggest problem with the whole car issue is that he assumes that, if it is my night for the car, that I will give him the car so he can use it (which I usually do), and on the rare occasion that I do not, he gets mad and plays the "It's not fair to me since I'm never home" card because he already made plans based on an assumption.

Every time we fight it is always the same thing (and usually about the same thing). We start out slow, trying not to fight, not blame the other, and talk it out like the adults we (supposedly) are. And each time it fails. He ends up getting mad because he is not getting his way, saying I talk to him like a child; I end up saying that calling me names does not help (nor does it help with trying to talk to him like an adult) and that I am talking to him like an adult, like I would talk to any other adult. And we go back and forth, him pointing out what I did and I point out what he did. In the end, it is both our faults, and I know that, but in the end, I also feel like no matter what I do or say, or how I do or say, I just cannot win. I talk to him like an adult and he says I talk to him like a child. If I try talking to him differently, he has a problem with that. I try to compromise so we can both win (as I did with this latest fight) so that it is fair to both of us, he does not like the compromise because he thinks it is "not fair" to him. I say no, he gets mad at that. Everything I say or do is wrong. I just can't win with him.

But it is not just when we fight that I feel like this. Apparently, I can't drive well enough for him, I talk too loudly, and I don't eat properly (I eat too fast according to him), among other things. I gave up a long time ago on ever not getting criticism from him in some way, shape, or form. I also gave up a long time ago on ever winning with him, so-to-speak. Nothing I do is right by him, which is fine by me. After all, it is my life and I do not need his approval. But it would be nice to not feel like I am walking on eggshells, that when we fight to know that he is not going to nitpick something. It would be nice to know that I can say something to him without worrying about his reaction, even when we are not fighting. But I know that is impossible because I know that nothing I do or say is going to be good enough for him. It's just how it is. It's just how he is.

I am not saying that the fights are his fault only. They are not, and I know that. We both have tempers, and they tend to be at their worst with each other. Nor am I saying that this is about winning and losing. All I am saying is that, for once, it would be nice to fight and not have him tell me that the fight escalated on his end because of the way I talked to him, or because I was being "unfair" to him, or whatever else he may nitpick. It would be nice to not walk on eggshells with him all the time, and, in a sense, win.

Stuck in a Rut

2010-01-05T14:51:00.001-06:00

Do you ever feel like nothing ever goes right, that you are always fighting for something? That no matter what you do, you know there is going to be some sort of roadblock? That it's just one thing after another, and you wonder why you even bother in the first place? Do you ever just feel stuck, like you have no idea where you are headed?

Lately, I have had a lot on my mind. I have been thinking about many things, each of which could have an enormous impact on my life. I hate thinking about them, mainly because I have no idea what to do and thinking about them does not get me anywhere. I start thinking about them, hoping I can come up with an answer or at least resolve it somewhat, but I come out with no answer, no resolution whatsoever, and only more confused than when I went into my head. Sometimes I think it's better just to stay out of there.

I know that these major things I am thinking about have no straight answer. None of them are clear-cut. (If they were, I wouldn't be having this problem.) And I know that I just have to wait most of these things out, but I hate that. I hate having such major issues up in the air, not even knowing when they will be resolved, and I especially hate it because of how big these things are in my life. I feel like I veered off the road and got caught in the mud. I feel stuck. I feel like I have no idea where I am headed, that I am lost in a sense. And I must say, it really sucks not knowing where you are going.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

2010-01-03T15:20:00.000-06:00

For almost six months I have been in a long distance relationship. I will be honest: it has not been easy, at all, but I stay because I love him and cannot imagine not being with him. A part of me also stayed in the hopes that he would be coming back sooner than what expected, even though another part of me knew that was not going to happen.

However, while I was in Israel, my boyfriend found out that he is for sure accepted into the Israeli army, and, that between basic training, advanced training, and with how long he wants to be in the army, he could be in Israel for at least another two years. Two years. I know I have talked about this before, but that was before some more things changed. Before we a better idea of how long it would take. Nothing was concrete then. It was all possibilities. And while nothing is really concrete now, except for the fact that he is in the army, it is more concrete than it was before. The possibility that he will be there for at least another two years (more maybe) is more of a probability now. Not to mention, he may want to stay there after his stint in the army is over.

So, now I have to face the question that I knew I would eventually have to face. Do I wait for him, or do I let go and attempt to move on with my life?

I have no idea what I am going to do. I know what I want to do, but doing it would be asking a lot of myself. It would be one thing to wait for him, stay with him, if I knew it was only going to be a certain amount of time. That I think I could deal with, knowing that he would come back, knowing that there is future with him. But him not knowing if he may want to stay after the army is over, that is what I am not sure about. What if I stay with him, and after two years he decides he wants to stay? I have already said that I know I do not want to live there, and I do not see that ever changing. If I stay and wait, and he then decides he wants to live in Israel, I will have to do then what I am thinking of doing now--breaking up.

Another thing I have been thinking about lately is whether or not I am cut out for a long distance relationship. It is hard, very hard. I am no longer sure I can handle not being a part of his life, not talking to him or seeing him often. I am no longer sure I can handle (almost) always being the one to initiate communication. I am not sure I can handle having an uncertain future. I am not sure anymore whether I can handle any of it. Yet, at the same time, I am not sure I can handle life without him, even if he is 8,000 miles away. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. But I have to do what is best for me, and I know that. I just need to decide if a broken heart is what is best, or if staying with someone with an uncertain future is what is best. In other words, do I put off what I know will be certain heartbreak now for possible heartbreak in the future? Do I stay and take a chance that when he is done he will return? Better yet, can I stay knowing that there is the possibility he will not come back, and if not, can I even deal with not being with him?

Farewell Old Year

2010-01-01T12:00:00.002-06:00

Here is a poem I found that I thought was apt, considering what today is. Enjoy!

FAREWELL OLD YEAR

Farewell old year,
We may not see
Your like again,
Though some remain

In memory
Of cheer or tear
Of achievements

Made or unmade,
Friends gained or lost,
Now like misers
We count the cost

And close the year,
Calendars tossed,
Diaries shut.

Welcome New Year,
You come to us
Like virgin bride,
Fresh and untouched,

Full of promise,
Introductions
At first uncertain,

But far off sights
Will bring delights
And better days,
And far less tears

Or heart break hours
We hope and pray.
Farewell old year;
Farewell today.

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T00:00:00.001-06:00

To all my friends, readers, lurkers, and everyone else, Happy New Year! May this year be one of health, happiness, success, and everything else you wish for!

Homecoming

2009-12-27T11:20:00.001-06:00

Everyone who knows me, or follows me on my blog on a regular basis, knows that my brother and I do not quite get along so well. Yes, we are civil to each other, but we do not really talk to each other or share much, if anything. He finds me annoying, and I find him, well, insufferable. So when he moved out into his "own" apartment six months ago, I was in heaven. I felt like I was on Cloud Nine. And it has been great, for everyone. Except for the twice a month (or more) he comes home.

Every other week my brother comes in on Sunday morning, goes to an appointment, and then returns to his apartment (up until recently, my mom drove him back). Occasionally though, he'll come in on Saturday night and spend the night. I hate that. I absolutely hate it. In fact, I dread it. Why? Because it means I have to deal with my brother, hear him lecture my mom and me on one thing or another, have him contradict everything we say because he has to be right (if we said the sky was blue, he would say it's orange, and no, I am not kidding), and other things that make him impossible to deal with. It drives me up the wall and frustrates me to no end.

During these weekends, I have taken to locking myself in my room when he comes home, or going out if I can (which is hard, since Saturday night is "his" night for the car; I thought we were too old for this by now). Basically, I avoid him. However, that is difficult when he comes in for longer than one night, like he did this past weekend. He came in on Friday and stayed until Sunday. As much I would have liked, I could not lock myself in my room all weekend. I had Shabbos dinner and lunch with him and my mom, in which most of the time I said nothing. Once it was over, instead of joining my mom in the living room and keeping her company for awhile like I usually do, I went straight into my room and stayed there. Saturday night I got lucky-I babysat for my cousins, so I was able to get out of the house and away from him. And Sunday, well I usually sleep late, and by the time I wake up and am dressed, he is pretty much gone, so I do not really see him on Sunday.

But still, just those two meals, and whatever other interaction I may have with him over those weekends (and in some cases, holidays as he likes to try and come home for them), are awful. I dread those weekends so much, that it literally puts me in a bad mood the whole time he is here. Once he leaves though, all that changes. My mood improves and I am much happier. If I could do a happy dance, I would. In fact, I think I have a few times.

My brother is not an easy person to live with, and the older he got, the harder it became and the harder he became to deal with. Now that he has moved out and I do not see or interact with him on a daily basis, we do get along a bit better, but it does not necessarily mean that he is easier to deal with. He is still the same person, still just as hard to deal with, and his long weekend or holiday stays just enforce that. I know that this will not change any time soon, nor will he, if at all. So, I until I move out, this is just something I am going to have live with and try to cope with on my own. If anyone needs to reach me every other weekend, I will be in my room, hiding.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

2009-12-24T17:26:00.000-06:00

I am Jewish and do not celebrate Christmas, but that is no reason I cannot wish all my non-Jewish readers a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! So, to all of you, from me,

and

Escaping to Israel

2009-12-20T17:34:00.002-06:00

It's been a month since I last posted, and while I wish I had tons to report back, I am afraid I do not. I had my escape. I went to Israel and had a great time (even if I did get sick in the middle). I saw my boyfriend and loved every minute I spent with him; in fact, I spent 24/7 with him, and we managed not to kill each other! Actually, we can get along pretty well with each other for days on end, which is a good thing, I know. It was as if he had never left, as if I had not seen or touched him since July. As I said, it was great.

I loved seeing the country again. It's absolutely beautiful. It is one of, if not the, most beautiful countries I have ever seen. (Ok, I've only ever seen Israel and some of America, but I still think Israel is gorgeous.) This time though, I saw Israel not so much as a tourist, but as a resident, a citizen. I rode the buses, went to grocery stores and pharmacies (Super-Pharm anyone? :-)), went to the bus stations, and walked the streets, among other things. Last time I was there, I was more of a tourist. Ok, I was definitely a tourist. This time, I got to experience Israel like an Israeli would, or someone who made Aliyah would. And I loved it. What made it even better was that I was also seeing it through my boyfriends' eyes. (To see my pictures of Israel, you can go to my Facebook and take a look. If you cannot see them, let me know.)

However, my time there also affirmed something for me. I do not want to live there. Yes, I love the country, and yes, my boyfriend is there (and likely will be there for at least another two years), but it is not someplace I can ever see myself living. It is a whole different way of life, a whole different culture, and frankly, they do not have many of the things we have here, things in which I am accustomed to, thing in which I like. But even so, I just cannot see myself living there, and that's the biggest thing. That being said though, I had a great time, and if it were not so expensive and I had the time (ok, I have the time until I get a job), I would go back there in an instant, and stay longer.

Not Me! Monday

2009-11-16T09:17:00.000-06:00

Not Me! Monday is back! To see the past few Not Me! Mondays and this week's, go to MckMama's blog.

One Saturday night while babysitting, when the kids were asleep, I did not watch The Suite Life of Zack and Cody on the Disney Channel because there was nothing else on.

I did not enjoy the episode and actually laugh-out-loud quite a few times. I was not extremely thankful I was alone then.

On another babysitting night, I did not get peed on by my two year cousin while trying to give her a bath. She did not pee on my pants and the tip of my left shoe.

I did not then, the next night, proceed to step into a puddle of water with the same shoe, twice, completely soaking my left shoe.

I did not then have to sit through a three and half hour LSAT class with a soaking wet, cold shoe because I stepped in a puddle.

I was not thankful it was the same shoe that my cousin peed on because that meant I only had to clean one shoe.

I am not the reason the band I am has not recorded a cover of a song. I do not get confused when other people and instruments are included and I therefore do not lose count. I can count when other people play with me.

I am not going to be missing Black Friday this year because I will be in Israel. I am not extremely thankful of this as I do not have money to spend (even if it is all sale items).

I was not in Target (my favorite store) almost every day last week, and multiple times every week for the past month. I do not know the store like the back of my hand now.

So now it is your turn to confess! Anything you would like to share, like maybe something you did not do this past week, or whenever?

My Escape

2009-11-13T13:04:00.000-06:00

Remember how in this post I talked about escaping, but not always being able to do so? Well, guess what? I am! I get to escape! It is not for very long; only about eight days, including travel time, but I am not complaining. I get to get away for a bit, something that I really need at this point.

Where to you ask? I am off to Israel, the Holy Land, the land of my forefathers and grandfather, the land my boyfriend is currently living in. So not only do I get my escape, but I get to see him. If you ask me, it's a win-win. Oh, and the bonus, I get to go to Madrid! I have a connection, both ways, in the city. I probably will not be able to actually see the city as my connections are about two hours apart (which basically allows for transferring, security, and checking baggage in on my next flight), but hey, at least I get to say I was in Madrid!

But do not worry my dear readers. I am not leaving for another week and a half, on November 24th. So you will still have me (and my posts) until then. (Also, I am taking my computer, so I can blog from there, if I have time.) In the meantime, I am busy preparing for my trip and counting down the days until I go.

Ironic

2009-11-09T13:27:00.000-06:00

I was adding a gadget to my Google homepage just now, and I decided to add a "Motivational Quote of the Day" gadget. As I returned to my iGoogle page, the motivational quote that appeared was:

"If you want to get somewhere you have to know where you want to go and how to get there. Then never, never, never give up." -Norman Vincent Peale

I thought to myself, "Now that's irony." You see, the past week or so I have been seriously considering just giving up on my dream of going to law school. Taking the LSATs (almost) four times and still not doing well enough to get in anywhere, tends to send a person a message. Like maybe it's time to consider other career options. As the week has gone by, this has seemed more and more like what was going to happen and I was just pushing off the inevitable.

And then I saw this quote and thought to myself that either I should reconsider giving up on law school, or that G-d is trying to send me a message. Should I keep pursuing my dream? But then I thought to myself that there is only so much pursuing, pushing, trying that one person can do, and eventually, you have to face reality. Or put it off to the side for a few years. That is what I have been thinking of doing--putting off law school for three or four years, then going back for another shot. Not giving up. Maybe I just need to figure out another way to get there.

When Things Fall Apart

2009-11-09T02:21:00.002-06:00

What do you do when everything seems to be falling apart, not going the way you planned? What do you do when it seems your dreams are no longer a reality but a fading hope?

I had my life mapped out when I was in high school. I would go to college, get a degree, go to law school, get married, have a career and children, and life would be good and I would be happy. I guess you could say I wanted it all. Granted, I knew it would not go exactly as I planned, and that a few details were missing, but I had no doubt that I would figure them out and that everything would fall into place.

Fast forward five or six years. I did go to college, and graduate. But that is the only thing in my plan that actually worked out. That was actually the easy part. The rest, as they like to say, has gone to hell. I have spent the past two years trying to get into law school, (and am now spending a lot of money only to realize that maybe I do not have what it takes to even get in); I had a job, then lost it; and the guy, well, he is 7,000 miles away in Israel. So much for my mapped out life, right?

So, again, I ask, what do you do when nothing seems to be going your way, when it seems your dreams are not going to come to fruition? What do you do when reality hits and there is no longer a way to avoid it? Me, I crash and burn. That is what I am doing right now. Crashing and burning, in bits and pieces. As of right now, my life has taken on a entirely new direction. One I did not see coming, one I did not really prepare for. And I have absolutely no clue what to do next.

Escape

2009-11-08T16:33:00.001-06:00

Do you ever wish that you could escape from your life, the stresses, the challenges, the monotony of it? I do, all the time. Sometimes I wish I could bury myself under my covers and pretend the world does not exist. Other times, I wish I could just get away for a few days, somewhere close, but not too close. If I'm really feeling stressed, sometimes I dream of flying to the other side of the world and never coming back. Sometimes, I'll even pretend I could wiggle my nose and things magically happen and work out.

But I can't. I can't bury myself under the covers, I can't get away for a few days, I can't go to the other side of the world, and I definitely cannot wiggle my nose. (Ever tried it? It's actually difficult.) I have to get up each morning and face the day, whatever it may bring, knowing that I will do my best. And I have to remember that whatever happens is supposed to happen, even if I may not know the reason why. So, yes, I wish I could escape, but eventually, I would have to come back and face what I left.

101 Ways to Annoy People

2009-11-03T10:09:00.003-06:00

A friend of mine recently commented of how she started to read my blog, but couldn't continue as it was too sad. I thought about it and realized that she had a point. As of late, my blog has kind of been a downer (Debbie Downer anyone?), so, in honor of her, I am reposting what I think is one of my funniest posts, and just one of the funniest things ever. (I wish I could take credit for it, but I cannot.) Enjoy!

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..." 5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. 7. Speak only in a "robot" voice. 8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub". 10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies. 11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 12. Sniffle incessantly. 13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." 18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace". 19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." 20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol. 21. Practice making fax and modem noises. 22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. 23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." 26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy." 27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. 28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. 29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 34. Drum on every available surface. 35. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. 37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings. 38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks. 39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. 40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. 41. Set alarms for random times. 42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. 43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. 44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 45. Honk and wave to strangers. 46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange. 47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. 49. Wear your pants backwards. 50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" 52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. 53. only type in lowercase. 54. dont use any punctuation either 55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 56. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. 60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories. 61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now." 62. Light road flares on a birthday cake. 63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. 64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. 65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador." 66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. 67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. 68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One." 69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. 71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. 72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 73. Drive half a block. 74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. 75. Ask people what gender they are. 76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back. 77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl. 78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". 79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. 80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet. 81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. 82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. 83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a." 84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. 86. Wear a LOT of cologne. 87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." 88. Sing along at the opera. 89. Mow your lawn with scissors. 90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!" 91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend." 92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." 94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." 95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 96. Never make eye contact. 97. Never break eye contact. 98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. 99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. 100. Make appointments for the 31st of September. 101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Birthday Wishes

2009-11-02T10:29:00.000-06:00

I was sitting here, after responding to a comment on one of my posts, when I looked at the date of the comment and realized that today is actually my father's birthday. My exact reaction, and I quote, "Oh, today is Avi's birthday." Then I thought how inconsequential this day is for me. Yes, it's my father's birthday, but for a father I have not seen in....ten years (I even had to think about that). It's just a normal day for me, one that will be spent studying for the LSATs, lunch with a close friend, and then my LSAT class. So, happy birthday to a father I no longer have anything to do with. I am moving on with my day now.

Featured Blog

2009-11-02T09:56:00.000-06:00

A special thanks to Lynette, over at Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground, who has made my blog the featured blog today as part of "Getting to Know You" feature! Here is the post featuring my blog. Also, a special thanks goes out to the many readers who visited from there!

Check out Lynette's blog, along with the others. She has many, many readers, so have fun checking those out! Thanks again to Lynette and her readers!

Instant Gratification

2009-11-01T21:49:00.000-06:00

We want it, and we want it now. This instant. It does not matter what it is, we want it now. Instant everything. Instant messages, email, fax, internet. Instant food, the faster the better. Instant education, job, wealth. Instant medical service, diagnoses, and an instant cure. Instant family. Instant travel. Instant information. Instant banking. Instant, instant, instant.

Instant gratification. The need to want something right now, instead of waiting. No longer do we want to wait and see the benefits of hard work, or let life happen and the pieces fall where they may. We, as a society, are impatient, very impatient. We cannot wait for anything. If we expect something, we expect it now. We want things done now, regardless of the circumstances of the situation.

Our society has become one that has drifted towards an expectation of instant gratification. it is everywhere in our society, in places we do not even realize it exists. Instead of sitting down and enjoying a meal, we have drive-thru's. We check everything online, sometimes obsessively. And if that is not enough, we have the internet to tell us everything we want to know at the drop of a hat, instead of working towards finding the answers to our questions. (Books anyone?) In fact, when was the last time you actually picked up a real dictionary? If you are anything like me, it has probably been awhile, a long while. Why go get the dictionary, thumb through it, find the word, and read it, when we can just Google it, or go to one of the many online dictionaries, look it up, and get it instantly?

We want it all at our fingertips, without waiting. We don't have the time to wait. But that is exactly what life is about: waiting. We are always waiting for something. Half of the joy in life is the waiting. So instead of wishing for something to happen now, in this instant, sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. It might just be worth the wait.

A Rant About My Brother

2009-10-23T17:00:00.002-05:00

This week I spent about four hours shopping for my brother. On two different days. I know that may not seem like a lot of time, and I guess it's not, but I am not ranting about the time I spent doing so; I am ranting about the fact that I do his shopping for him every other week, which is funded by, yup, you guessed right, my mother.

My brother does not live at home, and has not for three years. He dormed at school for two years, and is now living with two friends off campus, but near school. He has a job, which, while may not be great pay, is still a job and still gives him money. Now, I know it may not be enough for rent, food, utilities, and other essentials, in which case I can understand my mom helping him out. However, it is not like that. My mom gives him a nice sum at the beginning of each month, enough to help with the odds and ends. Yet, in the middle of each month, my mom is giving him more money. Why? Because my brother believes that one thing or another should be split with my mom, and, my mom being my mom and babying my brother agrees and gives him the money.

But wait, there's more! Not only does she give him money at the beginning and middle of the month (and sometimes more), she pays for the shopping that I do for him every other week. And since I do the shopping, I know what she pays for that as well. Basically, I know what she outputs for him in a month, give or take.

What bothers me about this is not that she helps him out financially (well, it does, but I'll to that later), but the fact that he was the one who chose to move out, live on his own, get a job (though he did not have a job the first two years), and be independent. Yet, I do his shopping for him, and my mother basically funds everything for him. He goes to work, goes to the gym, goes to school, and goes drinking. Am I the only one who sees something very wrong with this picture?

Now, I do not expect him to be completely independent. I know what it is like to go school and work at the same time, and while that may have been awhile ago for me, I did not forget. But, to me, if you choose to move out and live on your own, that means accepting a lot more responsibilities than what you had before. That includes doing your own shopping, funding some (if not most) of your own living, and not doing anything extravagant (like going out drinking every weekend, buying expensive foods, and buying clothes from Express, Ambercombie, etc.). It means living within your means and doing things for yourself. All of which he does not do.

I do not know what bothers me more: the fact that he does not do things for himself and live within his means, or the fact that my mom enables him by agreeing to do his shopping and financially supporting him more than she should. Now, I know I am only the daughter/sister, and some of you will say that I do not know all of what goes on, and that I should mind my own business. However, as I said it bothers me. It really bothers me. But I also do know what goes on (I see and hear, and my mom tells me, granted, not everything, but enough), and it is my business. It was made my business when I was asked to do the shopping for him.

It bothers me not only because my brother takes advantage of my mom, and my mom lets him, but it bothers me because my mom has a hard enough time making her ends meet. She is not poor, but she is not rich. Far from it. There are months where she struggles financially, and then to have to help him on top what she already does can make it very hard. And my brother knows, he is very aware of what her financial state is, but does not seem to give it second thought. For instance, he needed a tutor for chemistry. When he got this tutor, he went to my mom and ~~told her they should split it~~ asked her if they could split it. She agreed. So, now she gives him money for that as well. And don't get me started on the cell phone.

As I write this, I see the figure in my head of what she gives him. I see her doing things he should be doing (like mailing books he sold online), I see myself spending four to six hours every other week doing his shopping or some other errand for him. I see it, and it frustrates me and pisses me off.

Part of the reason it pisses me off so much is because my brother sometimes makes fun of me for still living at home at my age. Truth is though, I may live at home, but I more independent than he is, and will probably ever be. I pay my own bills, buy my own groceries, pay for my own health insurance, and pay for whatever else I may need or want. In fact, I pay rent (when I have a job). The only thing my mother pays for is my shelter and the groceries we share. Yes, she has helped me out in the past when I needed it, and she just did as well for a Kaplan LSAT class, even though I refused at first (those classes are so damn expensive!), but I keep a running tab; I write down what I owe her, and I pay her back when I can. Not to mention, I pull my own weight around the apartment. But my brother, what does he do? He does not and will not pay her back, he does not live here so he cannot help around the house (and when he does come home he does not do anything, including washing his own dishes), and he does not do his own grocery shopping. (Which, by the way, my mom ~~defends~~ explains by saying that he does not have the time, but he has time to go to the gym six days a week? It does not add up.)

I know I should probably mind my own business, but it frustrates and upsets me, especially when I see my mom struggling to make ends meet, and then to have to help out my brother, financially and otherwise. I have tried talking to my mom about it, but she just shrugs it off or tells me not to worry about it. But I know that is not going to happen, so I guess I will have to deal until either my brother becomes truly independent or I move out (and I am betting the latter will come before the former). Anyway, that is my rant. Thanks for listening.

Another One Bites the Dust

2009-10-22T11:36:00.000-05:00

I just found out that someone else from my graduating class is engaged. That would make her the fifth person in a month to do so, and I do not even know what number out of my whole graduating class to get engaged/married in general. Honestly, I don't want to know. It would just make me feel more behind, more envious.

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for her, for all of them. But I can't help but wish that it was me getting all those "mazel tov"s posted on my Facebook wall, getting an OnlySimchas page, getting the happily ever after. Nor can I help but think that these people have had everything handed to them on a silver platter since they were born. They had great parents, married parents who had great jobs, cars when they turned sixteen, got into the colleges, graduate schools, and jobs that they dreamed of, got the boyfriend right away or always had one, and now have the ring.

I am not saying that these people never had to fight for something, but I don't think they know the true meaning of fighting for something you want, something you believe in, and really struggling to get it. Everything I have in my life that means something to me I had to fight for. I fought my father, both inside and out of court, I fought to graduate high school, to go to college and succeed, and now I am fighting to get into law school and follow my dream, and fighting for the love of my life, to make it work with him so far away.

And while I am fighting for all these things, five classmates get engaged within a months' time of each other. Like I said before, I will be honest: I am envious. I will not deny it or lie to myself or anyone else about it. They have what I always wanted, what I still want. Granted, I am not quite ready for it, but I am more ready than I ever was before, and I want it, so badly. I know that I will get it, someday, but it still does something to me to see so many others get it before I do.

We Remember

2009-10-18T13:00:00.000-05:00

We forget half of what they teach us in school, but we remember plenty of other things. We remember faces, and names. We remember locker numbers and combination codes. We remember ugly wall colors, narrow stairwells, and too crowded halls. We remember smiles and laughter, sneers and tears. We remember free periods and lunches. We remember ditch days and sick days. We remember.

School is not just about learning and educating. It is about the friends we make, the ones we don't, and what we do not learn in books and never will. It is about what we come away with at the end of it all, the person we become, the person we are meant to become. It is about memories that we will carry forever, good and bad. We may not remember everything we are taught, but we remember.

The Baggage of Divorce

2009-10-17T22:00:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago I went out with two good friends of mine. One was in from New York for Succos, so we all wanted to catch up and hang out before the holidays began. As usual, our conversation led to dating, and all the trials and tribulations that go with it. My friend, C (her real name begins with an "I" but using that might get awkward as it is also a pronoun), the one from New York, began telling us a story of how a friend of hers wanted to set her up with a man that she had met and had a really good feeling about. Here is the thing though: He is divorced. My two friends, A and C, were hesitant about this.

Dating someone who is around our age, who already has a divorce under his belt can be a lot to take on. As C said, "I'm not sure I want to date someone who already has that kind of baggage at my age." Granted, this man is 28, but it is still baggage, and understandably, not one many would want to deal with. I sat there, listening to them, understanding where they were coming from, but thinking that divorce is probably not the worst thing to deal with in a relationship, at least, in my opinion; there are worse things out there. I am not going to get into what is worse right now; everyone will have their own opinions on that, and I am sure many will disagree with me. What I am trying to get at is that I, a child of a bitter divorce, is thinking that divorce is not the scariest thing to deal with in a relationship.

As I sat there and thought about the irony of that, I realized that yes, I am scared of getting divorced. How can I not be? More than half the marriages in the U.S. end up in divorce, but not only that, I witnessed divorce first hand. However, I am more scared of not ever getting married, not ever finding my "happily ever after," even if it's only temporary. I am scared of never getting the family and husband I want. Maybe I am being skeptical, or pessimistic, or both, but I am being honest. Yes, divorce comes with plenty of baggage, but so can never being married.

Past Loves

2009-10-02T17:00:00.004-05:00

I was just looking through my past blog posts. Not so much the ones from this past year, but my early posts, from when I started this blog, back in 2006 and 2007. I wrote a lot about love, and what I felt for some other guys. As I look back and read, it reminds me of how I felt towards them, but it also reminds me that what I felt towards them is nothing compared to the way I feel about my boyfriend. What I feel towards him, about him, is so much stronger than what I felt towards those men that it is not even comparable. This is not to say that what I felt towards those guys was not real. It was, very real. I was also much younger then, more naive. But, as I said, what I feel for my boyfriend now is very different and much stronger than what I felt for them. What I feel for him now cannot be put into words; I am not even sure it has words. I just know that I love him, more than words can say.

On Being A Jew

2009-10-02T16:35:00.000-05:00

As I approached synagogue on Erev Yom Kippur, I saw a man standing outside the building, talking on his cell phone. I commented to my mother, "Look at that guy there. I'll bet he's a three-time-a-year Jew." (A three-times-a-year-Jew is a Jew who only goes to synagogue three time a year, on the holiest holidays.) Then it occurred to me: I am no better than him. Granted, I do not talk on my cell phone outside of synagogue; heck, I do not even bring my cell phone to synagogue, but I have become a three-time-a-year Jew. I realized it was the pot calling the kettle black.

As I sat in synagogue on Erev Yom Kippur and listened to my uncle sing Kol Nidre, I kept wondering about why I was there, sitting in synagogue, praying, fasting, asking G-d to forgive me of my sins, to inscribe me in the book of life. I wondered why I had to go and say the words in the book, why I had to sit there and listen to the prayers (as beautiful as some of them are), and I wondered what it meant if the words I said did not carry the same meaning for me as they did for me five or ten years ago.

I sat there, struggling with my inner self, my inner thoughts, trying to decide if I was a bad Jew. I no longer go to synagogue on a regular basis, in fact, I do not go at all except for holidays, if then. I eat out non-kosher dairy, and I keep Shabbos (sort of), but not to the extent others, more religious Jews, do, among other things. But does that make me a bad Jew? Better yet, is there such a thing as bad Jew?

I do what works for me, I do what I believe and what I believe in. It may not follow all the laws or traditions, but it is what I believe. Many will say that Judaism is not about doing what works for you or doing what you believe in; it is about doing and believing, plain and simple. And that's great. If those people have such great faith, such great belief, and the resolve to do it all, or even more than what I do, I commend them, I really do. It's not easy. Being a Jew has never been easy, and it was never meant to be.

Being a Jew is built on faith, and a lot of it. I no longer believe the way I used to; I no longer have the same amount of faith that I used to have. I do have it when it comes to certain things, but the rest I have been looking for that belief, that complete and utter faith, for some time now. Searching for the belief that I had when I was in grade school, high school even. It constantly eludes me. I still have faith, but it is not on the same level that I used to have it. And maybe I am not meant to find it. Maybe I am supposed to stay at this level of faith. Maybe, at this point in my life, I am where I am supposed to be, including in my beliefs.

What I Want

2009-09-23T00:20:00.003-05:00

What I want is to not have my heart break a million times a day.

What I want is to not miss my ex so much still.

What I want is to have what every couple has--each other.

What I want is to have babies of my own.

What I want is to lose 20 pounds (as a starter).

What I want is to be in law school.

What I want is to have my friends be happy, in whatever makes them happy.

What I want is to learn how to play the drums.

What I want is to live on my own.

What I want is to have a job I love, one I do not mind getting up for in the morning.

What I want is to find peace and happiness within myself, for myself, with myself.

What I want.

The Pillow

2009-09-22T23:00:00.000-05:00

Before my now ex-boyfriend left for Israel, I made him give me a pillow of his. It is a blue bean bag pillow, one he used all the time, that he absolutely loved. And I made him give it to me. I wanted something of his that he loved and used all the time. In fact, before he left, I took just about anything he offered me that he was trying to get rid of. I have two stuffed animals (monkeys), a computer bag that he used all the time, an Israeli army or navy flag (I do not remember which), and a bunch of other random things, including the pillow. I took it all. Why? Because they were his. The last bits I would have of his; the last bit I would have left of him.

However, of all the things that I took from him, the pillow is the one that means the most to me. Maybe that is because it meant so much to him, because he loved it so much. I used to sleep with it all the time. Literally, all the time, for months. And then one night, as I was going to bed, I decided not to. I wanted to, very much so, but I decided that doing so would just make letting him go harder. It was already making it harder. It was a reminder on a daily and nightly basis that he is no longer here. So I put the pillow away.

I placed it on one of my nightstands, right next to my bed. It has sat there ever since. I cannot make myself move it, to put it away. I thought of mailing it to him in Israel, but could not bring myself to do that either. I also thought of bringing it with me when I would go to visit and give it back to him then. But I cannot, and would not, be able to do that either. I cannot let go of that pillow. That pillow will be with me forever, as will the computer bag and stuffed monkeys. I may have to let him go, but I do not have to let those go.

Not Me! Monday

2009-09-14T15:51:00.003-05:00

Not Me! Monday is back! Yay! For more Not Me! Mondays, head on over to MckMama's blog and take a look at hers and others.

A few weeks ago, I did not decide that I do not want a job right now, and have therefore, not been looking or applying for any jobs.

I did not just realize last week that this might inhibit my love of shopping and going out with friends.

I did not go for my first ever manicure and pedicure last Thursday night. It was not totally amazing and I was not wondering why I had never done it before.

I did not finally figure out how to finally stop biting my nails and picking at my toe nails. It does not involve spending money I do not have on manicures and pedicures every 3-4 weeks or so.

I did not figure this out because since my mani/pedi, I have not bitten or picked at any of my nails.

I am not seriously bummed about this realization as I do not have the money to indulge like this. :(

I have not started looking at jobs again so that I can afford this lavish lifestyle I aspire to have (among other reasons).

I have not been stalking my ex's Facebook page, looking for hints of a hookup. I am not that sad and pathetic.

I am also not seriously very glad that he has not done the newest Facebook phenomenon, Fan Check, as I would probably be the number one "fan" (a.k.a. stalker).

Ok, time to 'fess up! What have you not done lately? Share!

Moving On

2009-09-13T01:13:00.003-05:00

It has been a little over a week since my boyfriend and I broke up, and while I am doing fine, there are times I am not. There are times I really miss him, even if he is not here. I miss knowing that he was mine, that he was there for me if I needed it, having that someone special to talk to, though he is 7,000 miles away. Those times when I miss him I think about what he is doing now, following his dream, living a whole other life I am no longer a part of, a life I can no longer touch or see. A life in which he is truly happy.

Then I wonder, "Is he being happy with someone else? Is there someone else (yet)?" As I think that, I also pray that there is not. While I want him to be happy, to live his life in a way that makes him happy, I do not want him to do so with another girl. With me, fine, great even. But I do not want him being with anyone else. It reminds me of the saying, "If I can't have him, no one else can!" And better yet, I hope, pray, that he thinking the same thing as me. That the thought of me being with someone else just turns his stomach and makes his heart ache.

A friend has told me a few time that my ex is a "serial monogamist." I'm not sure this is completely true, but it does make sense. He has had a series of monogamous relationships, some of them one right after another, but not all of them have been short term (as the link suggests). To me, he does not go out looking for them. They just tend to fall right into his lap (as I did). And I'm worried that is what is going to happen to him in Israel. That he will not be looking for one, but it will just happen, and in a short period of time as well. I do not want that, at all. To be honest, I want him to pine over me the way I do over him at times.

However, I know this is not realistic. I know that we will both move on, find other people, and continue to be happy in whatever life brings us. I just hope to G-d that I do it first.

The Princess and the Pee Test

2009-09-11T17:15:00.001-05:00

WARNING: This post will discuss women's issues, so if any of you readers do not want to read, do not look any further. However, if you do, don't say you weren't warned.

This last week had many firsts for me: my first flat tire, the first time my car started smoking, the first time I made meatballs (301, yeah baby!), and the first time I ever took a pregnancy test. Yep, you read it correctly. Pregnancy test. Let me just tell all of you now what I am sure you are dying to know: No, I am not pregnant. Now, care to hear how this came about? Well, good, because I'm ready to tell. And no worries; I won't get too personal. Even I have my limits.

Last week I started to have some issues, ahem, women's issues. They went away for the weekend, then came back. While I was considering calling my doctor the week before, I was saved from that when the problem went away over the long weekend. However, just my luck, it's back again on Tuesday. It was too late to call my doctor on Tuesday when I discovered this, so I called Wednesday morning. I ended up speaking to the nurse. Why? My doctor is on maternity leave until the beginning of November. Ironic, huh? Anyway, after asking me a bunch of questions the nurse then asks, "Can you take a pregnancy test now?"

Uhhhhhh....Huh.......WHAT? After a brief pause of a few seconds I say that I could, thinking how I am going to handle this. You see, it was 9:15AM then. I had to be at my aunt's house at 10AM to help her cook for the upcoming Jewish holiday, and now I had to go out to Target to get the pregnancy test, come home, take it, wait for the results, call the doctor back, and then go to my aunt's. I had 45 minutes. I ran to Target, got two double boxes (so I had four tests), paid (not by the pharmacy though because they know me there; another disaster I did not need then), ran home, took two tests, and waited. And waited. And waited. After five minutes, there was nothing on the tests. No results. The tests remained blank. Ugh, great. Just great. What did I do wrong?

By that time it was 9:50AM. I still had to finish getting ready to leave. So I do, and at about 10AM fly out of m house and go to my aunt's. I park a few houses away from my aunt's (just in case she sees me), and call the nurse. I told her what happened, and after a few more questions, she tells me to take the other two tests the next morning. So I am sitting there thinking, "Tomorrow morning? You want me to wait even longer?" But I say okay as she is the nurse and knows better than I do. I pull my car up to my aunt's house, and get out. I then proceed with my day, which basically consisted of cutting seven onions, crying like a baby because of them, rolling 301 meatballs, doing a few errands, and meeting a drummer later that night.

I was kept busy most of the day, thankfully. But occasionally throughout the day my thoughts would drift back to the pregnancy test and whether it was possible I could be pregnant. Of course, that is when I got into trouble. Thinking. It can be a very dangerous thing. And that day, for me, it was. I started thinking, "Well, maybe. I mean, there is always the possibility. But no. I'm careful. Extremely careful. So no way. But..." And my thoughts would go on like that for the day. Yeah, not fun.

The next morning I woke up at 8:30Am and the first thing I did was take the last two pregnancy tests. Nice way to greet the day. I must have done something right that time because both turned up negative within a minute of taking them. Relieved (even though I was 99% sure I was not pregnant), but still somewhat concerned because I still had the initial problem, I went back to sleep for a few hours. When I awoke again I called the nurse and told her. And that was that. If my problem persists, I have to call back on Monday.

When the nurse first suggested a pregnancy test, I immediately thought (after brief shock) that there is no way I could be pregnant. Absolutely NO WAY. Yes, I will admit it. I am not a virgin. But I am extremely careful. So there was no way that I could be. Nuh-uh. Not me. Plus, it did not make sense, physically. It just didn't. But I was not very scared. Sure, there was some fear, but for the most part, I was really fine with it. I was calm. I wish I knew what made me so calm, but I do not. All I know is that if it had turned out that I was pregnant, I was actually happy about it. But maybe that's something I can explore in a later post. (Or maybe I should just put that aside in general and not explore it at all....)

Anyway, that was my experience in taking my first pregnancy tests. Not exactly how I pictured it, but hey, life does not always turn out the way you like. I can say though, that the next time I take a test, I will be married (and hopefully this part will have planned).

Before I go, I would like to my best friend, Abby, for suggesting the title. Thanks, girl! :D

(For those of you who are ready to comment on how I should wait to have sex, be celibate, etc., please do not. I did not post this to be lectured; I hate that. So, again, I ask you to not post a lecture about abstinence, celibacy, or even my being a slut (if that's what you think, which I am NOT, thankyouverymuch)).