The Hardest Thing

"Never be sad for what is over, just be glad that it was once yours."

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever, the same."

Last night I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I had to let go and walk away. I walked away from the most important thing in my life, from the most important person. And it was the hardest thing I have ever done.

I told him to find someone new, someone who wants to live in Israel forever. Yet, as I told him that, everything inside of me was screaming not to, to keep my mouth shut and just let it be. But I knew I could not, so I told him, and here we are. Both suffering, both having our hearts break. Yes, we have done this before, but this time, there is a finality to it that was not there the last time. This time, I know there is no hope for a future for us. He definitely wants to stay there, and I definitely do not want to live there forever. A few years, sure, but not forever. (I will admit though, that right now, moving there forever sounds like an excellent idea.)

As I sit here and write this, I try to keep telling myself that it is all for the best. That we did the right thing, that it was not a mistake. That maybe, despite what I thought and how I feel, that maybe we were really not meant to be together forever. Maybe we were there for each other and fell in love at the right time in each others' lives. Yet, no matter what I tell myself, I cannot help but cry and feel as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on. All I know is that right now, my heart is breaking, I am crying like a baby, and that this is the hardest thing I have ever done and will ever have to get over (if I can get over it; I wonder if anyone ever completely does).

I know he is hurting too, and I care and worry. I do not want him to hurt and suffer, but I know he is, and I wish I could help him, heal him. But I also know I cannot. I know that he has to deal with this in his own way, in his own time, and that as much as I want to call or text him and make sure he is okay, that I should not. But why is it the one person I want to comfort the most (and the one person I want to comfort me the most), is the one person I cannot?

At the same time though, I know we have both had a huge weight lifted off our shoulders. Neither one of us has to worry about the relationship, about what is going to happen, where we are headed, what we are going to do, and when. We have an answer. We have closure. We will stay friends, of that I have no doubt, but I am still losing him. Somewhere though, in the back of my mind, I know that I will be okay, that I will heal, and that he will too, and that we will both move on (call me selfish or whatever, but I hope and pray to G-d that I am the first one who does), however, as I said, right now, my heart is breaking, and I am having a hard time seeing past that.