Lucky

In the queer mess of human destiny, the determining factor is luck. -William E. Woodward

I am persuaded that luck and timing have, in my case, been very important. -Mike Wallace

Timing and luck is everything, at least in my life they seem to be. Sometimes I wonder if people realize how lucky they are that their timing is right; that they are able to have the one they love with them, or willing to move with, and for, them. That they can be with that person, without anything preventing them from doing so.

I was talking to a friend earlier tonight. She is starting law school in the fall, moving to a new city, and her boyfriend is, in all probability, going with her. I know she realizes she is lucky that he is, but I do not think she realizes how lucky she is to have him going with her. What I would not give to have my boyfriend here with me. To have our timing just right so that he can be with me, or that I can be with him. What I would not give to have it work out the way I want, the way he wants, or the way we both want. What I would not give for that. 


I keep cursing my luck, because it is just my luck, that things would work out like this. I have cursed everything and almost everyone. I curse the fates, destiny, and yes, even G-d, for their timing. And even though I am big believer in "everything happens for a reason," there are times where I want to say "Screw that." Times when I wish that someone, fate, destiny, G-d, or whomever, had decided that I do not need another obstacle in my path. That for once in my life, I deserve to have things to work out for me, however that may be. That I deserve to be lucky, too.

Then, I see or hear something that reminds me that I am lucky. I may not be able to be with my boyfriend, or even be able to talk to him every day, but I am lucky enough to have someone who loves me, for me. To have someone who accepts me as I am, quirks and weirdness and all. I am lucky to have someone who is good to me, so good to me that there are times when I question what I did to deserve him. I am lucky because I am able to follow my dream, and to have a boyfriend who is able to follow his, even if it means we have to be apart for awhile. I am lucky to only have to wait another year (probably, hopefully) to be with him, and not three years, or five years, or ten years. Lucky that I can see him when I have a break, even if it is only for a few days. I am lucky to have friends and family who are always there for me, who love me, and are willing to listen to me gripe, complain, whine, yell, and cry about how unlucky I am. Lucky.


I am lucky.

What To Say

I have begun this post so many times in the past weeks, but I have either ended up deleting what I wrote, or I did not even know what to write or where to start. My thoughts and feelings are floating around in my head, all jumbled, and occasionally, if I am lucky, I can actually think something through and come to a (temporary) conclusion. A few days later though, I am back to where I started--confused, chaotic thoughts and feelings. 

I started writing this because usually putting my thoughts down into words helps me organize them, sort them and my feelings out, and maybe come to a conclusion. Or at least see other options, ones I may not have considered before. But this time, it does not seem to be working. I cannot seem to get anything down; I cannot even seem to organize anything just enough to put them into words. For once, I am at a complete loss here, and right now, more than ever, I need the outlet writing gives me. Yet, I cannot seem to find it. I have no idea what to say.

The Optimistic One

The essence of optimism is that it takes no account of the present, but it is a source of inspiration, of vitality and hope where others have resigned; it enables a man to hold his head high, to claim the future for himself and not to abandon it to his enemy. 

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Optimist: A man who is chased up a tree by a lion but enjoys the scenery anyway.

-Walter Winchell

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. 

-Winston Churchill

I am the optimist in my family. My mom, my brother, and even my father, are pessimists. My aunt, my boss, and best friend are pessimists as well. I am surrounded by negativity on a fairly constant basis. Sometimes it amazes me that I am so optimistic. But I am. And I thank G-d for that. It enables me to see the bright side in just about anything and everything. Even in the smallest, most trivial situations, I see the bright side, while most everyone else I know is focusing on the negative. 

Sometimes I honestly do not understand how people can look at the world, the people around them, and especially themselves in such a negative way. To me, there is always a positive. It is not easy hearing their negative remarks either, about others, themselves, or anything, and it eventually gets to me. It frustrates me, sometimes quite a bit. There are times where I simply cannot stand to hear it and have to walk away before I say something hurtful to them about it. And there is only so much I can say to them, so much I can do, and only so many times I can try to put a positive spin on things, before I just give up. 

I know I cannot change the way they think; only they can do that, and they have to want to do it. But, for those out there wondering why being an optimist is so great (other than the fact that looking at the world in a brighter light just makes things better and easier), here are a few reasons to be one: better health, longer lives, less stress, persistence (we do not give up easily), and better emotional health. Those sound like some positive outcomes, right? Now if I could just get my family and friends to see the bright side of this...

A New Day

In the hour and a half since my last post, a new day has arrived, in more ways than one for me though. In that time, I have had a tremendous turnaround. I went from feeling shitty, hurt, and lost, to great, hopeful, and found. I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and in fact, in a way, it has. By getting everything down, sorting through it, and organizing my thoughts, I was able to see things more clearly. It was as if I needed to write it down and blog about it in order to move past it.

What I really needed though was to not carry it around inside of me anymore. And I no longer am. I feel as if I set myself free, and that is exactly what I did. While I had talked about it before with some friends, I did not tell them everything. I had trouble saying it all out loud. But I was able to blog about all of it, and that made all the difference. I now know that I can move forward, that I will be able to move forward, heal, and get on with my life. And that is exactly what I am going to do.

Coming to America

In October, my ex is coming back for a month-long visit, and for a friend's wedding. By then, it will have been almost a year and half since he has left, and almost a year since I will have seen him. I am excited, very excited to see him, for while he may not be my boyfriend anymore, I still consider him a very good friend, and it will be great to see my friend.

But I am scared as well. I am scared that everything that I have worked on for months, healing, getting over, and moving on will be gone the instant I see him. And I do not want that. I do not need to be confronted with feelings and emotions so strong that I do not know what to do with them, things I know I can do nothing about. Not to mention I do not want to do that to him, either. But it is going to be hard.

Truth be told though, these feelings have already come up and I have to be honest with myself. I thought I was doing fine, but in the last weeks, I realized I am still in love with him, which really sucks for me since I seem to be the only one. He is seeing someone else now, and I am doing my damn best to move on. But it is hard, and it hurts. Sometimes, I wish I could hate him, or I wish that the relationship ended badly so I would be able to get over it more quickly, more easily. That is not the case though, and honestly, though I may say I wish it were, I do not want that because then we would never be friends, and that I definitely do not want. I am just not sure I can be friends with him right now. It may have worked and been okay for the last five months since we broke up, but I am not sure I can handle it right now. Also, since I am going to see him in four months, it is best that I am past all of this by then as I greatly value our friendship and would not want anything to change it. 

Sometimes, I think it would be easier to deal with all of this if I had someone else, if I was dating another man. Then, I would have him, someone else I am into, focused on, enamored with, and my ex will be just that, my ex. But then I wonder if even having another man will help. I mean, my ex was a huge part of my life, and I loved him. I still do. I always will, and that makes me wonder if I will ever truly be over him. But life goes on, and so will I.


(I know he occasionally reads my blog, so if you are reading this, I am sorry. I do not mean to make this hard for you or to put you in a difficult position; that is the last thing I want, but this is my blog, and I need to say this for me. I hope it doesn't make things weird between us, though.)

When Your Stomach Drops

You know the feeling I am referring to- the feeling where everything inside just seems to fall downward. I do not get those moments often, but over the past three or four months I have gotten it more than I would like. I get this feeling whenever my ex tells me he is going on a date or dating someone. The first time he told me, I felt like I was on a roller coaster, when you go down a high drop and your stomach feels like it is dropping with you. Yeah, that is how I felt the first time. It does not hurt to know that he is dating, but for some reason, my stomach just drops when he tells me.

Ok, maybe I do know why. Yes, it is hard to see your ex move on, but what I seem to be struggling with is the image that he is with someone else. It is hard for me to picture anyone else with him but myself. The image of us is still stuck in my head, and it is not because I am jealous, angry, or anything else. It is because when you date someone for two years, you get so used to the image and the idea of the two of you together, that it becomes hard to picture him with anyone else. And who knows, maybe it is hard for him to picture me with someone else. I cannot even picture myself with someone else, yet.

The feeling seems to be fading though, little by little. The more he tells me that he has dates, the less my stomach drops. While I have no idea what these girls look like, it is the image that I am getting used to: him with another girl. However, I cannot wait for the day when my stomach does not drop at all.

My Bad Habit

Admit it: You have a bad habit. We all do. In fact, some of us probably have more than one. And that is fine. It is human nature to have a bad habit or two. Some people crack their knuckles, some chew on ice, some play with or chew their hair, and some bite their nails, like me. Granted, that list is not all-inclusive, but I think you get the idea. We all have bad habits.

As I just mentioned above, I bite my nails, and pick at my toenails at times (it is actually called onychophagia). I have ever since I can remember. There is even a picture of me when I was about nine months old lying on the changing table, with my foot in my mouth, attempting to chew on one of my toenails. Needless to say, I started early. Now, twenty-fours years later, I am still doing it, though sometimes I do not even realize I am doing it. I am no longer lying on a changing table, nor do I stick my feet in my mouth, but I still bite and pick my nails. It drives me absolutely bananas. And it really pisses me off.

I hate looking at my nails, seeing the little nubs of my fingers, with the even smaller nubs of my finger nails. (OK, that is not true. My nails are not that short, but they are not long and beautiful either.) Over the past ten years I have tried everything, really, everything, to stop biting my nails. You name it, I have (in all probability) tried it. Nothing has worked. Or maybe it worked temporarily, but in the end, I always go back to the tried and true--biting my nails.

I have read quite a bit on this over the years, and everything I have read so far says that nail biting is a reaction to stress, anxiety, excitement, boredom, inactivity, even hunger, and can be a learned behavior from family members. It is also very common (which really does not make me feel any better about it). Over the years, I have also discovered why I bite my nails. I bite due to all the reasons I just mentioned (except for hungry and learned behavior). If I am stressed or anxious, I bite. If I am sitting idly, doing nothing, I bite. If I am watching TV or relaxing, I bite. I bite. Apparently, I do not need a reason. What I have realized though, is that the reason I bite when I am not stressed or anxious, just bored, watching TV, or relaxing, is that I need something to do with my hands. They have to be kept busy. For me, that is the hardest part of not biting my nails. I can resist the urge to bite, I can stop myself if I realize I am doing it, but if I am sitting doing nothing, and my hands are free, I find it very hard to give my hands something to do to keep them occupied.

The last five to six months have been my best, though. I really stuck to it. Granted, I spent quite a bit of money on manicures, but they really helped. I did not bite my nails. Ok, maybe I picked at them, but it was much easier to stop when I saw a manicure on them (or to begin picking at the manicure instead--whatever works, right?). It was also much easier to stop once I actually saw that I had nails. Seeing the actual, real nails on my hands and fingers went a long way for me. Why? Simple really: Because I saw that I had nails, that I could, in fact, grow and have (semi) beautiful nails. I saw the results of not biting them, and I loved it. Not only that, but I was able to use my nails. I absolutely loved it.

I worked very hard at maintaining those nails. I got manicures, gave myself manicures, I made myself stop biting them, resisted the urges I had to do so, and continued to grow nails. And I did it. No, it was not perfect, and yes, I will admit that I did bite some off at times (especially the weaker ones which are so much easier to pick off and therefore so much harder to resist), but I did it. I had nails.

Then, there was a stressor. And off they came. That was about three weeks ago now. You would think that since then I have started to grow my nails again, right? Wrong. Now that they are gone, it is much easier to just continue picking and biting them off. I have nothing to look at, to see what it would look like if I let them grow. All I have are stubs, and the memory of what they used to look like. But I cannot go on a memory. It is very difficult to do this based only on a memory. I need to see it in front of me. I need proof. I need a nail, preferably three or four, to see that I can do it. But I know I can do this. I know. I have done it before, I can do it again. But I just need that one nail, that one starting point, yet I know I will never get it if I keep on picking and biting at what I have left.

Giving Dating Advice to the Ex

I was sitting outside last Friday afternoon pretending to be interested in the "tricks" my seven year old cousin was doing on her scooter when my text message alert went off. Thinking it could only be one of three people (my mom, brother, or best friend), I took some time digging my phone out of my coat pocket. To my surprise, it was none of those three people. It was my ex saying hi and asking me what I was doing. I responded and asked why. His answer was that he wanted to talk and needed some advice, and asked if he could call later. I said he could call when I got home and that I would let him know when.

Fast forward two hours. We are on the phone, talking. He says he has something to tell me. He lets me know that he is dating someone, and then tells me he needs some advice on that. He went into more detail, told me more about the girl and the situation, and I gave him my thoughts and opinions. We continued to talk for about ten more minutes, then I had to go. (I am not going to go into detail about the dating or advice; it is not my place and you readers do not need to know those details for the rest of this post.)

Anyway, it got me to thinking. Is giving dating advice to an ex a bad idea? Should an ex even ask you for dating advice, or is that a line that should not be crossed? And if the two of you are still friends, is it weird or normal to ask? There is no right or wrong answer. It really depends on the dynamics the two people have as exes, and as friends after the break-up. Yes, it can be awkward, but I choose not think of it that way. I choose to look at it as that we are friends now and that is what friends do--ask advice from each other. In fact, my first thought when finding out he wanted dating advice from me was that he came to me for it. For me, that speaks volumes. It means that not only does he still value me as a friend, but that he trusts me, that I am still someone he can turn to when he needs to talk and needs advice. Not everyone can remain friends with their ex after a break-up, but for those that can, this is the kind of friendship I wish for them.

Rejection Letters

The other day my mom asked me, "If you heard anything, you'd tell me, right?" She was referring to my law school applications and whether or not I heard back from any schools yet. I replied, "Yes." Truth be told though, I heard back from one school a few weeks ago and did not tell anyone, for two weeks. In fact, I just told my best friend, A, the other day. I still have not told my mom, though I know I have to.

One reason I kept it to myself is that it makes me feel like a failure, even though this is not the first law school rejection letter I have ever received. I felt like a failure last year when I received five rejection letters (though granted, I was expecting all of them). Then, I felt like a failure when I received my most recent LSAT score (because of all the hours of studying I put in), and now I feel like a failure with my latest rejection letter. It is just one thing after another.

Part of the reason this rejection letter was so much more of a disappointment and failure is because this time, I aimed low when applying. I am only applying to schools that I have a chance of being accepted at, so when one school like that tells me "No, sorry, even though we are on the lowest tier as far as law schools go, we still do not want you," it naturally makes me feel like a failure. (That is not what they really said, but that is basically what it comes down to.) The letter also made any hope I had of getting into other schools disappear.

Another reason I did not tell anyone until recently is not only because I feel like a failure, but because I am the type of person that needs time to absorb and process this kind of information, and in this case, the disappointment and failure. I did the same thing when my ex-boyfriend and I broke up. I did not tell anyone right away as I needed time to process and absorb. This time, not only did I need time, but as I said, it was, is, a disappointment. A great disappointment. Yes, it was only one school out of about six, but a rejection letter is still a rejection letter, and failure is still failure, no matter what. So when I received that letter two weeks ago, I read it, left it on my desk for a few days, then ripped it up and recycled it, not telling anyone anything. I was in no hurry to broadcast my rejection, to anyone.

Moving On Again

Moving on after a breakup is not easy, at all. A person needs time to heal, mend his or her heart, and adjust. Some people are able to move on after a short period; some are not. And some try to move on before they are ready, sometimes without realizing that they are not ready.

That is what I did. I let myself heal and adjust a bit, and then I tried moving on. I started looking for the next guy. I asked friends if they knew of anyone for me, and when I came up empty, I joined a few Jewish dating sites. I met and talked to some guys, most of whom are really very nice, sweet men that I enjoyed talking to. But...(There is always a "but" isn't there?)

But I kept going back to him. My ex. I thought of him when talking to those guys, compared them to him. I could not help but go back to him, and it bothered me, really bothered me. Maybe it is normal, but I cannot help but wonder, why do I keep thinking of him? Does this mean that I have not moved on? Am I not over him like I thought? Am I not ready to move on?

I am ready to move on. I know I am. But maybe I am not quite over him yet, which is normal. Yes, it is better than it was, but not complete. We were together for two years; if I got over him so quickly then either the relationship was not as good as I thought, I did not love him as much as I thought, or else there is something wrong with me. But I know that none of those are the case. Yet, there is a part of me that feels that the only way I will completely move on and get over him is to actually move on, to be in another relationship. In other words, maybe I need a "rebound."

Imagine Me and You

"Me and you and you and me, 

No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be

The only one for me is you, and you for me

So happy together...."

-"Happy Together," The Turtles

You date someone. Things are going well, very well, you know where it is headed. You love him (or her), and you know he (or she) loves you, and a picture begins to form: The two of you, together, married, with children, jobs, a house. You picture your life together, and you see it all. 

Then, it is over. No longer is there "the two of us." Your lives are now separate, no longer so intertwined, no longer dependent on the other. But the picture you had of your life together? That is still there. You still see it sometimes, especially in the beginning. It is like a movie that keeps repeating in your head; sometimes it is just one scene, other times, it is many. But as time goes on, the movie fades, and you are just left with a scene or two. It is those few that play in your head occasionally long after the relationship is over, after you both have moved on.

I mention this because I did this; I do this. Still. I still sometimes get those short scenes in my head, imagining a future that I know is no longer possible, a future I that I have let go. It is not something I want to picture anymore. It makes me feel like I am clinging to the past, like I am wishing and hoping for something that I know will never happen. Yet, sometimes I cannot help it. They are just there, at random moments, playing in my head. Like an old, sentimental movie that I just cannot seem to say goodbye to, but know I have to.

Meant To Be

“What's meant to be will always find a way.” -Trisha Yearwood 

“Everything happens for a reason. Every action has a reaction. Always remember that whats meant to be will always find a way to come about.”-Anonymous

Over the past weeks I have been doing quite a bit of thinking about my recently ended relationship, and I have come to one very major realization: If it were meant to be, it would be. If we were meant to be together, it would not have been so hard, so difficult to do so. There would not have been so many walls in front of us. It would have been easier. I am not saying that relationships do not have difficulties; they do. What I am saying is for that relationship, for my relationship, if it were meant to happen, we would not have been stonewalled. We would have found some way to make it work; there would have been some way to make it work. But it was not meant to be.

It took me awhile to realize this because at first, I was in it. I was too involved. Then, when I was no longer in the relationship, I was too hurt to even think of anything like that. My thoughts were focused on just getting through it and getting through the day. It was only after the hurt was gone, after I was no longer so completely involved and could think about it more clearly, that I was able to take a step back from it all and assess it from the outside. That was when I came to this realization. I came to realize that it should not be so hard to be together; that if we were truly meant to be together, there would have been a way.

I also realized that maybe we were meant to be together for those two years. Maybe we were not meant to last, but maybe, for whatever reason, we each needed the other at that point in our lives. However, that part is over now, and we do not need each other the same way anymore. We are each moving in different, opposite, directions in our lives.; I would like to think we helped each other get there, get to these points in our lives, but that it is no longer needed. Like I said, if it were meant to be, it would have been.

Trusting Myself

When I'm trusting and being myself... everything in my life reflects this by falling into place easily, often miraculously.  -Shatki Gawain

 

I learned you have to trust yourself, be what you are, and do what you ought to do the way you should do it. You have got to discover you, what you do, and trust it. -Barbra Streisand

I have always trusted myself and trusted my gut. I learned to do that a long time ago. But over the last few months I admit that I had a hard time doing so. It was not that I did not know what my gut was telling me, what I knew to be right, but I hard time doing it. I was torn, about everything, being pulled in all sorts of directions, one part of myself telling me one thing while another part told me something else. But inside, somewhere, I knew all the right answers, I knew what had to be done, in every aspect of my life that I was unsure about. It was just trusting myself that I could do it, and that I was doing what was right, that was difficult for me.

But I did it, all of it. I trusted myself, and everything turned out well. Better than I anticipated, actually. Knowing that I was making the right choices helped tremendously, even if they were hard decisions to make. I learned to trust myself again by being honest with myself about everything--what I was truly feeling, what I truly wanted, and what I knew to be right. Things are finally back on track in my life, and that is because I trusted myself.

One Of Those Days

Do you ever have one of those days where you are exhausted, can't seem to keep your eyes open, yet, somehow the day passes by very quickly, but you have no idea how that happened? Today was that day for me. Not a bad day, but definitely not a good day. I slept horribly last night, got up at an ungodly hour in the morning, yet, somehow, managed to make it to 6PM without a nap. To top it all off, I actually got a few hours of studying done!

But here I sit. It is almost 6PM, I am watching my cousin, playing endless games of Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook, and listening to music to drown out my little cousins' music. And now the time is dragging. It is too late for a nap and I cannot study because I am too exhausted, yet I have nothing to do. What does that leave me? Time to think. I hate that. I do not want to think, about anything, especially today when I am going on about three hours of sleep. But especially about the one thing I cannot seem to keep my thoughts away from the past few days. I do not want to think about that. I refuse to think about that. I want to avoid it, and everything about it.

Yet, here I am, sitting, blogging, and thinking about it somewhat. I would work on other blog posts if I thought they would come out even the least bit coherent, just to get my mind on something else, but I do not think I would even understand what I would try to write. I guess I will go back to playing endless games Bejeweled Blitz.

The Call

At 2:30 this afternoon my phone rang. It was him. I knew it before I even looked at the caller ID. (I am not a psychic; he has his own ringtone on my phone, so as soon as I heard it, I knew.) He was calling. A million things ran through my head as I scrambled to answer the phone and pause the music that was playing on my computer. "Why was he calling? Should I answer? Isn't it too soon? What am I going to say?" along with many more thoughts and questions.

I answered, and the first thing I thought that it was so good to hear his voice. He asked me how I was doing, and for a split second, I considered lying, saying that I was fine, doing well. I knew he would see right through that though, but more importantly, I did not want to lie. So, I told him that I had been better, but that I knew I would be okay. He said he was feeling the same. I asked him if we made a mistake. I know we did not, but I needed to hear him say that. I needed to know that he felt it was right also. And he did. He told me exactly what I needed to hear, from the exact person I needed to say it.

And then we talked. Just talked, as if nothing had changed. But it had changed, and we both knew it. Yet, we were still able to talk, to carry on a conversation like we had before, without anything being weird or awkward. We talked for fifteen minutes, and then I had to go. But when I hung up the phone, I did so feeling better about everything. I knew then that we would remain friends, that we would not just fall out of touch and as if the past two years had not happened. Yes, it still hurts, but it is not as sharp. After that phone call, I not only knew that we would remain friends, but I also knew that despite how much it hurts at times, that I will be fine, and so will he.

The Impasse

I know I have written about it before, and have gone back and forth on the issue, but this is something I have been very torn about from day one. Even now, after breaking up, I still think about, I still consider it. I think about leaving, moving to Israel. Forever. I think about giving up everything here and leaving it all behind. When the pain is sharp, and very present, I think I can do it. I mean really, truly do it. I think about living there, being with him, and I know that I if I do decide to do it, that I will be happy. I have no doubt about that. The idea of picking up my life, giving up what I have and want, seems like a small price to pay, because everything I want is 8,000 miles away.

But then, the pain fades, and I am no longer sure I can do it forever. Yes, I can do it for a few years, knowing that I, we, would be coming back. But knowing that I would be there forever, well, I am not sure I can do that. Maybe I am not strong enough or courageous enough, to pick up and leave my life, family, and friends, and everything I have ever dreamed about behind. I just do not have it in me to something so extreme, so life changing. At the same time though, I would be living another dream of mine. The one where he is in it. Yes, it would be leaving one dream behind to fulfill another, but it would still be leaving one of my dreams behind. And I ask myself, can I really do that to myself? Can I leave a part of myself, part of my dreams, behind to follow?

As soon as I ask myself that question, I know the answer. No, I cannot. Not only am I still trying to live out one of my dreams, but giving that part of myself up would not do anyone any good. Yes, I would be happy, but there would also be a part of me that would not be, the part of me that would be saying "what if?" That would not be fair to anyone, at all. So, as much as I do want to go there, I know that it would not be making the right decision. At least not right now. But who knows what the future holds. I just know, that right now, at this time in my life, it is not the right decision for me, and that making a decision like that, when I feel the way I do, is not a good idea. I need to heal, but more importantly, I need to follow my dreams first, just the way he is following his.

The Hardest Thing

"Never be sad for what is over, just be glad that it was once yours."

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever, the same."

Last night I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I had to let go and walk away. I walked away from the most important thing in my life, from the most important person. And it was the hardest thing I have ever done.

I told him to find someone new, someone who wants to live in Israel forever. Yet, as I told him that, everything inside of me was screaming not to, to keep my mouth shut and just let it be. But I knew I could not, so I told him, and here we are. Both suffering, both having our hearts break. Yes, we have done this before, but this time, there is a finality to it that was not there the last time. This time, I know there is no hope for a future for us. He definitely wants to stay there, and I definitely do not want to live there forever. A few years, sure, but not forever. (I will admit though, that right now, moving there forever sounds like an excellent idea.)

As I sit here and write this, I try to keep telling myself that it is all for the best. That we did the right thing, that it was not a mistake. That maybe, despite what I thought and how I feel, that maybe we were really not meant to be together forever. Maybe we were there for each other and fell in love at the right time in each others' lives. Yet, no matter what I tell myself, I cannot help but cry and feel as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on. All I know is that right now, my heart is breaking, I am crying like a baby, and that this is the hardest thing I have ever done and will ever have to get over (if I can get over it; I wonder if anyone ever completely does).

I know he is hurting too, and I care and worry. I do not want him to hurt and suffer, but I know he is, and I wish I could help him, heal him. But I also know I cannot. I know that he has to deal with this in his own way, in his own time, and that as much as I want to call or text him and make sure he is okay, that I should not. But why is it the one person I want to comfort the most (and the one person I want to comfort me the most), is the one person I cannot?

At the same time though, I know we have both had a huge weight lifted off our shoulders. Neither one of us has to worry about the relationship, about what is going to happen, where we are headed, what we are going to do, and when. We have an answer. We have closure. We will stay friends, of that I have no doubt, but I am still losing him. Somewhere though, in the back of my mind, I know that I will be okay, that I will heal, and that he will too, and that we will both move on (call me selfish or whatever, but I hope and pray to G-d that I am the first one who does), however, as I said, right now, my heart is breaking, and I am having a hard time seeing past that.

Reflections

 "One year will change a life forever."

As we rang in the New Year, and a new decade, last week, I read and heard many people wondering where they were and what they were doing ten years ago when we rang in the new millennium. As I sat and listened to them, or read what they wrote, I asked myself the same question. Where was I, at that very moment, ten years ago? Well, the boring answer is I was babysitting, while my cousins went out and partied in the New Year. I had just turned fourteen, in eighth grade, six months away from graduating. I was young. I was very young, innocent, and naive. I had dreams and aspirations; dreams I never thought could be deterred in any way, and aspirations I thought I would reach.

Now it is ten years later. I am twenty-four. I am no longer (as) young, and definitely no longer innocent and naive. I still have those dreams and aspirations I had back then, but these days they include the real world, reality, and everything in between, everything that could, and does, get in the way. I have a Bachelor's degree that gets me no where, no job, and loans to pay off. More than anything else though, I have no idea in what direction my life is headed. Ten years ago, I had it mapped out to a "T."

Then I thought about where I was last year, how I celebrated New Years then. As I recalled, I remembered that when I rang in 2009 last year, I had everything mapped out then as well. Granted, there had been some bends in the road, but for the most part, I knew where I was headed. My life was on track, going in the right direction, the direction I wanted. I had a job, I was working on getting into law school, I had a great relationship (that I thought I knew where it was headed), and great family and friends. Things were going well. Now, it is a year later, and nothing has gone the way I planned. At all. Almost everything has changed.

I realized then that a life can change greatly in ten years, and is expected to change greatly in that time span. After all, ten years is a long time. But a year can be a long time, too. Life can change just as much in one year as it can in ten. Mine did, and it taught me to expect the unexpected, that I can plan all I want, but that G-d might be laughing at me for planning. I have learned to do my best, try my hardest, and not give up, but I have also learned to take things as they come. So, here's to a 2010 that will bring the unexpected, inspiration, change for the better, and the realization of childhood dreams.

I Just Can't Win

Do you have one person where, no matter what you say or how you say it, what you do or how you do something, you will just never win? I do. Boy, do I have someone exactly like that. I have blogged about this person before, and frankly, I am sick of blogging about him, but then again, blogging is a great outlet and right now I need that.

If you guessed my brother you would very correct. Last week we had a fight. I will not go into details because, well, I don't want to. But we had a fight, a big one. Then again, when he and I fight, we do not do it in small doses. We go all out. Though now "all out" is either through text or email since he no longer lives at home. Ever have a fight with someone over email? It's just about as fun as having a fight with someone in person, which is no fun at all.

So anyway, the fight. I'll give you some detail since it will make this easier to understand. We were fighting over the car, of course. It is a fight we have had many times before (and it is getting very old). He feels that since he is never home and I have the car "at my disposal," that he should get the car when he is home, even if it is "my night" (as per our previous arrangement, which I think is beyond ridiculous now that he is not living at home). Therefore, he goes ahead and makes plans with friends, assuming that he can have the car that night, even though he has yet to ask me. There is much more to it than that, and I know that by not explaining it more that I come off as the "bad guy" here, but it is too intricate and long to explain, and like I said, I do not feel like going into detail. I will say this though, my biggest problem with the whole car issue is that he assumes that, if it is my night for the car, that I will give him the car so he can use it (which I usually do), and on the rare occasion that I do not, he gets mad and plays the "It's not fair to me since I'm never home" card because he already made plans based on an assumption.

Every time we fight it is always the same thing (and usually about the same thing). We start out slow, trying not to fight, not blame the other, and talk it out like the adults we (supposedly) are. And each time it fails. He ends up getting mad because he is not getting his way, saying I talk to him like a child; I end up saying that calling me names does not help (nor does it help with trying to talk to him like an adult) and that I am talking to him like an adult, like I would talk to any other adult. And we go back and forth, him pointing out what I did and I point out what he did. In the end, it is both our faults, and I know that, but in the end, I also feel like no matter what I do or say, or how I do or say, I just cannot win. I talk to him like an adult and he says I talk to him like a child. If I try talking to him differently, he has a problem with that. I try to compromise so we can both win (as I did with this latest fight) so that it is fair to both of us, he does not like the compromise because he thinks it is "not fair" to him. I say no, he gets mad at that. Everything I say or do is wrong.  I just can't win with him.

But it is not just when we fight that I feel like this. Apparently, I can't drive well enough for him, I talk too loudly, and I don't eat properly (I eat too fast according to him), among other things. I gave up a long time ago on ever not getting criticism from him in some way, shape, or form. I also gave up a long time ago on ever winning with him, so-to-speak. Nothing I do is right by him, which is fine by me. After all, it is my life and I do not need his approval. But it would be nice to not feel like I am walking on eggshells, that when we fight to know that he is not going to nitpick something. It would be nice to know that I can say something to him without worrying about his reaction, even when we are not fighting. But I know that is impossible because I know that nothing I do or say is going to be good enough for him. It's just how it is. It's just how he is.

I am not saying that the fights are his fault only. They are not, and I know that. We both have tempers, and they tend to be at their worst with each other. Nor am I saying that this is about winning and losing. All I am saying is that, for once, it would be nice to fight and not have him tell me that the fight escalated on his end because of the way I talked to him, or because I was being "unfair" to him, or whatever else he may nitpick. It would be nice to not walk on eggshells with him all the time, and, in a sense, win.

Stuck in a Rut

Do you ever feel like nothing ever goes right, that you are always fighting for something? That no matter what you do, you know there is going to be some sort of roadblock? That it's just one thing after another, and you wonder why you even bother in the first place? Do you ever just feel stuck, like you have no idea where you are headed?

Lately, I have had a lot on my mind. I have been thinking about many things, each of which could have an enormous impact on my life. I hate thinking about them, mainly because I have no idea what to do and thinking about them does not get me anywhere. I start thinking about them, hoping I can come up with an answer or at least resolve it somewhat, but I come out with no answer, no resolution whatsoever, and only more confused than when I went into my head. Sometimes I think it's better just to stay out of there.

I know that these major things I am thinking about have no straight answer. None of them are clear-cut. (If they were, I wouldn't be having this problem.) And I know that I just have to wait most of these things out, but I hate that. I hate having such major issues up in the air, not even knowing when they will be resolved, and I especially hate it because of how big these things are in my life. I feel like I veered off the road and got caught in the mud. I feel stuck. I feel like I have no idea where I am headed, that I am lost in a sense. And I must say, it really sucks not knowing where you are going.