Birthday Wishes

I was sitting here, after responding to a comment on one of my posts, when I looked at the date of the comment and realized that today is actually my father's birthday. My exact reaction, and I quote, "Oh, today is Avi's birthday." Then I thought how inconsequential this day is for me. Yes, it's my father's birthday, but for a father I have not seen in....ten years (I even had to think about that). It's just a normal day for me, one that will be spent studying for the LSATs, lunch with a close friend, and then my LSAT class. So, happy birthday to a father I no longer have anything to do with. I am moving on with my day now.

The Drive-By

Every few years or so I get the urge to do a drive-by. Of my father's house. He lives a simple minutes from me, right off of Touhy Ave. I haven't really seen him since I was thirteen years old, unless you count the half hour that I saw him in court three years ago. I don't. I'm not going to go through my whole story and the reasons why. Those that count know the story and know why.

Anyway, as I said, every few years I get an urge to drive-by his house, just to see. Am I looking for something? Maybe. I don't know. If am I looking for something, what do I expect to find? I don't know the answer to that one either. I don't even know if I'm looking for something. I just want to drive-by, and see the house. (Yes, a house. He has a house while we live in an apartment. Ironic, huh?) I want to see the cars in the driveway. See if he finally upgraded his ratty old Saturn that he once hit a deer with years ago. See if his girlfriend finally upgraded here two-door blue hatchback that she and I used to go in to visit open houses, just to look. I want to see if she still has those ridiculous geese that she dresses up and displays outside. See whether or not he still has his truck.

I guess I just want to see. To see what is the same, what is different; how something has changed, if at all. It's curiosity. Just because I want nothing to do with him, does not mean I can't be a little bit curious. After all, he is my father, and always will be.

"I Don't Remember..."

"I called you? I don't remember calling you." Those are the exact words my father said to me over the phone when I told him that I was returning his call. So what does he say after that? "Oh, thank you." I couldn't believe the words I was hearing. Not only does he not remember calling me, but he's thanking me for returning his call (yeah, yeah, yeah, I know...at least he thanked me, big whoop). After he thanked me he then proceeded to say good bye. I was kind of surprised at that. After all, he was claiming to want a relationship with me, but does not continue the call and ask me any questions. Hell, he didn't even ask me how I was. So I ended it. I said good bye and hung up.

Now, I know some of you may think that I was hurt, surprised, offended, etc., that he didn't try to have an actual conversation with me, but that's really not it. I'm just surprised that someone who was so adamant about wanting a relationship with me and starting over, doesn't even try to have a 'normal' conversation with his daughter. Which was perfectly fine by me. God knows I was not about to start one with him.

That was this past Friday. I called him after debating for four weeks whether or not I should. I debated for so long because I was afraid of exactly what didn't happen-him wnating to have an actual conversation with me. I decided to because I gave him my word in court that if he called and I wasn't home and he left a message, that I would call him back. And unlike him, I keep my word. So now I'm jumping for joy. Now I can honestly say that I kept my word and upheld my end of the deal. And technically, so did he. Woohoo. However, I can guarantee that was the first, last, and only call from him. YAY!

Updates

Just an update for those who care: I haven't called Avi back yet, and I don't think I will. I think I'm going to see if he calls again, pursues this. Sort of test him to see if he really means what he says and wants a relationship with me. But even if he does call again, that doesn't mean he wants a relationship with me. I don't think I'll ever think he will. I mean, he had eight years to have a relationship with me, and only now he wants one...and all because of money. He even said so himself. So I'm going to see if he calls again. I hope he won't. If I'm lucky, he'll fail this test that I'm giving him.

On another note, Jeff hasn't called either. I'm so worried. I don't know what to do other than calling him. And he's obviously not calling me back. I'm at a loss, I really am, and I hate not knowing if he's ok. So, tomorrow I make yet another call to him.

A Number on My Desk

I'm tired, so this may not be as cohesive and coherent as my posts would normally be, but bear with me.

He called today. I kept wondering if he would, and he did. And I didn't have the reaction I thought I would. My mom and brother told me over dinner. And honestly, my first thought was, "Why didn't he call when he knew I'd be home? Like in the evening?" But he didn't. He called in the middle of the day, almost as if he purposely called then so that he could avoid talking to me. I do that sometimes. Purposely call people when I know they won't be home so I won't have to talk to them. (No, I'm not a mean person, but sometimes I just don't feel like talking, yet I have a phone call to make.) Anyway, he talked to my brother, and had the gall to identify himself as 'Abba.' He hasn't been Abba for years! We all call him Avi. Then, only after asking for me and finding out I wasn't home did he ask about my brother. "How are you? What are you doing over the summer?" To which my brother replied, "I'm busy. I can't talk now," and hung up.

I have Avi's number. I have his cell phone number (which is where he called from) and I still remember his home phone number (yet he didn't remember mine...). It is currently sitting on my desk, just thrown there. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to call him back, and I technically don't have to. But I did tell him in court that if he called and I wasn't home and he left me a message, that I would call him back. So now I'm caught between keeping my word (though why I should is beyond me), and doing what my heart and gut are telling me to do.

The Greatest Fear

Everybody has a greatest fear, maybe even more than one. I do. But the older I get, the more prominent one fear becomes. For most people who share my fear it's a simple question (though not a simple answer): Will I ever get married? However, for me, that question goes far deeper. For me, that question becomes not only will I ever get married, but will I end up marrying a man like my father? A part of me is inside screaming, "Hell No!" But at the same time though, a part of me knows that it is a possibility, and I can't ignore that part of me no matter how much I would like/love to. I have to face the facts. Yes, it is possible for me to marry someone like my father. At the same time though, I am very aware of what my father is like, and I know what type of man I do, and do not, want to marry. Not to mention that I have great role models. My uncles, cousins, and their marriages are great examples of what I do want, and of how a marriage should be. But still...There is that nagging doubt in the back of my mind. What if I do end up falling in love with and marrying a man like my father, despite knowing what I want and don't want, despite having many great examples? I don't want that, and more importantly, I don't want a divorce. When I marry, I want it to be for life. But try as I might, I cannot escape that nagging doubt in the back of my mind that keeps asking "What if?" I've heard many people tell me, including my mom, that they fear what kind of effect my father has had on me towards men. And their fears are justified honestly. He was a mean, abusive, lying man who really never cared about me, or my brother. Yet, I know that I will do whatever it takes to make sure I do not end up with a man like my father. Even if that means never getting married.

No New Messages

OK, so just a quick update for all those who care. Firstly, no call from dear old dad...yet. That doesn't mean he won't call, but the longer he takes to call, the more I'll doubt he will (not that I'm sure I believed he would in the first place). Oh well. If he does or doesn't, I don't care.

Secondly, I haven't talked to Jeff in about three weeks, and to be honest, I'm not sure what to think anymore. In the span of three weeks I've only heard from him once and it was a very very brief message online. I don't know what to do anymore. There are times I think he likes me, then he goes and doesn't talk to me for three weeks. On the other hand, I'm scared something might have happened to him. G-d forbid, but it has crossed my mind, especially after the collapsed lung scare. I have his number, so I could always call him. But I don't. I don't because I'm afraid it will be awkward. But more importantly, because he has my number too, and he hasn't called either.

What A Day

Today I saw my father for the first time in almost eight years. God, I was so nervous. He didn't really change much, just looks older, which is normal. But boy, he does not age well. Anyway, not much was said until we went into a private room (by 'we' I mean Avi, his attorney, my attorney, my mom, and me). I did give him a bit of an upturned mouth when I first saw him. Not a smile, but it might be taken as the tiniest smile to someone who didn't know better. So we go into the room, and immediately Linda, my fathers' attorney, starts LECTURING us on what she's seen as a teacher, and through her own divorce with her children, and the divorce of her parents, blah blah blah. (First she said she has four sons, then she said, "No, sorry three sons. Does she not know how many kids she has??) While she's lecturing, I'm sitting there thinking "SHUT UP. I do not care what you've seen, what you've experienced, or anything else. I just want to go. So shut up so we can finish this damned thing!" Finally, she stops talking, and I say, "Well, I'm here aren't I? And he's here. If he wants to talk to me, let him talk to me." Nothing was stopping him, yet for 45 minutes he said nothing to me.
So he starts talking and says he apologizes for what he did, but that he'd like start new. After a couple of seconds of silence from me (I honestly had no clue what to say), he states that he'd like to see me, get together, with me. I said he can start by calling and we'd go from there. I made it clear that I wasn't saying yes, but I wasn't saying no. And I specifically said that. He said ok, but what else can he say really? I then look at him and I say that I have one question for him. "Why? Why after all these years do you want a relationship?" He looks at me and tells me "If I have to pay all this money for your college, I want to see you." He had just done himself in.
Then I said to him "So this is all about money." And his gasket blew. He got upset really fast. He got mad and started to 'correct' himself, but he was digging his hole even deeper, so his lawyer jumped in and said that's not what he meant. I knew he did though. I know him better than she does. What does she think I am? Dumb? That I'd believe her when she'd say he didn't mean that? Yeah, right. He did mean it. He always said the first thing that came to mind. Anyway, we left it at he's going to call me (sure he will...) and we'll go from there.
I was actually able to hold my own, and was surprisingly calm. Go figure. And his lawyer is a nut job. An absolute freak.
She thinks she's some sort of counselor, not lawyer. I see why he likes her though. They're perfect for each other.
Oh, and I had a biology midterm today. What a day, what a day.

Tomorrow

Ok, so tomorrow is the big day. I get to go to court tomorrow. I get to go see my father for the first time in almost nine years. Yay. Does my excitement show? Because there is no excitement. I DO NOT want to do this. In fact, there really is no reason for this, other than my father's ditz of an attorney thinks it's the only way she'll get the two of us in a room together. And she's right. There's no way in hell I'd voluntarily agree to see him again.
Speaking of "The Ditz" (which is what I've dubbed her partly because I forget her name a lot of the time), my lawyer saw her in court today, and she asked him who is bringing the cake. He looked at her and asked her "What cake?" "The cake for tomorrow," she responds. "What cake for tomorrow?" Michael (my attorney) asks. I'll spare you the whole conversation, but it turns out she was referring to the cake celebrating my father's and mine 'reunion.' PUUUULEASE! After my mom told me this story (Michael is also her attorney), I turn to my mom and tell her that I hope the ditz brings the cake so I can smash it in her face. I hope she likes a pie face. And hopefully my father won't tempt me because he might end up getting a knuckle sandwhich.

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Yes, as you can tell, I'm frustrated, disgusted, upset, etc. Today, the judge in my case ruled that my father has to 'contribute' to college expenses. So you'd think I'd be happy, right? Wrong. I'm on the train on the way down to school when my mom calls me to tell me that Avi has to help pay for college, but that he should call me so we can talk. The judge suggested my cell phone. I told my mom that he could call, but NOT my cell phone, no way was he getting my cell number. I said he could call me at home. Now we just wait and see. After I got off the phone with my mom, I started to freak out and think 'I'm actually going to talk my father after eight years!' I thought I was having a panic attack, or something like it. Anyway, as the day went on, I started to feel a bit better. I decided that if he called that I wouldn't say anything, or not much. I'd let him do the talking, and give one word answers when/if he asked me something. But right now I can't do anything, just wait and see. I didn't think he could have this affect on me anymore.

On another note, I'm dying to tell my guy how I feel about him, but we never seem to talk, or if we do, it's online. I don't want to tell him 'I love you' online. I want to do it in person, but considering I'm in Chicago and he's in New York, that's not possible. So I'll have to settle for over the phone. Like I said, it's not the way I would like to do it, but considering...And I was hoping to tell him before Shavuos, but it doesn't seem like I'll be able to. Saturday night. I'm telling him Saturday night. You know, having his phone number would really help at a time like this...Oh well, I'll suck it up and live another two days without telling him.