Coming to America

In October, my ex is coming back for a month-long visit, and for a friend's wedding. By then, it will have been almost a year and half since he has left, and almost a year since I will have seen him. I am excited, very excited to see him, for while he may not be my boyfriend anymore, I still consider him a very good friend, and it will be great to see my friend.

But I am scared as well. I am scared that everything that I have worked on for months, healing, getting over, and moving on will be gone the instant I see him. And I do not want that. I do not need to be confronted with feelings and emotions so strong that I do not know what to do with them, things I know I can do nothing about. Not to mention I do not want to do that to him, either. But it is going to be hard.

Truth be told though, these feelings have already come up and I have to be honest with myself. I thought I was doing fine, but in the last weeks, I realized I am still in love with him, which really sucks for me since I seem to be the only one. He is seeing someone else now, and I am doing my damn best to move on. But it is hard, and it hurts. Sometimes, I wish I could hate him, or I wish that the relationship ended badly so I would be able to get over it more quickly, more easily. That is not the case though, and honestly, though I may say I wish it were, I do not want that because then we would never be friends, and that I definitely do not want. I am just not sure I can be friends with him right now. It may have worked and been okay for the last five months since we broke up, but I am not sure I can handle it right now. Also, since I am going to see him in four months, it is best that I am past all of this by then as I greatly value our friendship and would not want anything to change it. 

Sometimes, I think it would be easier to deal with all of this if I had someone else, if I was dating another man. Then, I would have him, someone else I am into, focused on, enamored with, and my ex will be just that, my ex. But then I wonder if even having another man will help. I mean, my ex was a huge part of my life, and I loved him. I still do. I always will, and that makes me wonder if I will ever truly be over him. But life goes on, and so will I.


(I know he occasionally reads my blog, so if you are reading this, I am sorry. I do not mean to make this hard for you or to put you in a difficult position; that is the last thing I want, but this is my blog, and I need to say this for me. I hope it doesn't make things weird between us, though.)