Already Written

Everything I want to write about at this moment has already been written--by me. There is nothing new here, though now it is a year and a half later and I feel exactly the same way again. Torn, sad, broken and brokenhearted, wondering if I am making the right decision in not going with him, not being sure I can handle this, wondering if I will survive it, and so many other emotions. And I know this is hard for him as well.

My boyfriend left to return to Israel two days ago. He was here for two months, even though he was only supposed to be here for two weeks. I wish he could have stayed longer, much longer (forever, really), but since I know that is not possible, I will take whatever I can get. I am so happy and grateful that we did have the time together though, short as it was, and would not trade it for anything.

Sending him off and saying goodbye does not get any easier, no matter how many times I do it. In fact, I would say that this time was the most difficult, but I am not sure why. Maybe because we just got back together, or because he goes into the army at the end of January, or because I know I will not see him for at least another year. Mostly, it is because I love him more than I can put into words and want to be with him, though the other three definitely do not help. All I know is that leaving him at the airport yesterday was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.