Many people, usually mothers, commonly refer to their most challenging time of day as "The Witching Hour." It is that time of day (or night) when everything is chaotic, the kids are not cooperating, and nothing seems to be going right. Lately, I have been referring to a certain time of night as my "witching hour." It is that time of night when I start to breakdown, slowly losing my resolve and my optimism.
The time it begins usually varies, but I can always feel it creeping it up on me between 7PM and 8PM, and then the later it gets, the stronger it gets, until I give in. I just break. I have a mini (or full blown) meltdown, like the one I had a few posts ago. Some nights are better than others. Some nights it does not hit me as hard, and some nights it is more of a punch than a hit, as you have seen. It is on those nights that I question whether or not I can survive this, and it is on those nights that I know I cannot.
I try to distract myself, and it usually works, at least for awhile. It helps if I have something to do, like reading and briefing cases, or watching shows online or on TV, or talking to my friend or my mom. Sometimes, when I feel it coming and coming strong, I purposely bury those feelings and thoughts and force myself to concentrate on whatever it is that I am doing. But other times, no matter what I do, nothing works.
I have come to realize that the way I feel at night, the questioning and doubting, is just an exaggeration of the way I occasionally feel during the day. During the day I feel more positive; I am more positive. It is then that I think, "OK, three years is not a big deal. It'll fly by. I can do this," and I believe it. But then night comes, and I start doubting myself, and the later it gets, the less doubt I have that I can do it and the more conviction I have that I cannot do it. I think that deep down, even when I am optimistic, I know that I will struggle greatly to get through this and that it will be extremely difficult for me, but at the same time, I also know I do not have another choice.
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Routine
It's funny how your whole life can change in a day, yet your day to day routine can change very little with it. I completely uprooted myself, changed my life, where I live, and yet, my routine in the mornings and nights have stayed the same. I still go straight for the coffee pot when I get up in the morning, then take a shower, get dressed and ready, and proceed with my day. At night, I still stay holed up in my room (though now for different reasons), occasionally venturing out to watch TV and eat, and I still stay up late.
However, while my day to day morning and night routines have not changed, the rest of it has. Unlike college where a person goes to same classes multiple times a week, I only go to each of my classes once a week. Each day is a different class, different professor, different subject, and while that is routine for the week, it is not routine for every day, and for me, that is a good thing. Honestly, if I had to take the same classes multiple times a week, I think I would go nuts from the monotony of it.
Yet, each night after class, I do the same thing. I do my work, though I work on a different subject almost every night, I usually do spend the same nights week to week working on the same subject. And sometimes, I do spend more than one night on a subject. I do have somewhat of a routine here; I fell into one here the same way I fell into one back home. It is just a different one, and it varies a bit day to day, which is good for me since I hate doing the same thing day in and day out. Routine is nice, but variation is even nicer.
However, while my day to day morning and night routines have not changed, the rest of it has. Unlike college where a person goes to same classes multiple times a week, I only go to each of my classes once a week. Each day is a different class, different professor, different subject, and while that is routine for the week, it is not routine for every day, and for me, that is a good thing. Honestly, if I had to take the same classes multiple times a week, I think I would go nuts from the monotony of it.
Yet, each night after class, I do the same thing. I do my work, though I work on a different subject almost every night, I usually do spend the same nights week to week working on the same subject. And sometimes, I do spend more than one night on a subject. I do have somewhat of a routine here; I fell into one here the same way I fell into one back home. It is just a different one, and it varies a bit day to day, which is good for me since I hate doing the same thing day in and day out. Routine is nice, but variation is even nicer.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Mini-Meltdown
My last blog post was me having a mini-meltdown. I seem to be prone to them these days, having them at least once a week. They always come at night, but that is because nights are usually my worst, especially if it is late at night. Since my life these days consists of not going to sleep before 3AM (thank you, law school), I have many of those late nights, and if I am lucky and get completely exhausted, I will have a mini-meltdown. Or even a full-blown meltdown. Either way, I cry my heart (and eyes) out. You lucky readers, got to see one of those meltdowns last night.
I have no doubt that there will be more mini-meltdowns, probably even full-blown ones too, but, unlike in my last post, I know I can survive, and not just the meltdowns, but everything else as well. Yesterday, a friends' friend (who does not know me at all, and in fact, just met me) called me a "strong, stubborn, SOB." The way I figure it, if he can say that about me after just meeting me and only talking with me for an hour, then there must be some truth to it. (My boyfriend was kind enough to concur when I told him.) And since I am a strong, stubborn, SOB, I know I will make it through this. I know we will make it through this (because he is a strong, stubborn SOB as well).
I have no doubt that there will be more mini-meltdowns, probably even full-blown ones too, but, unlike in my last post, I know I can survive, and not just the meltdowns, but everything else as well. Yesterday, a friends' friend (who does not know me at all, and in fact, just met me) called me a "strong, stubborn, SOB." The way I figure it, if he can say that about me after just meeting me and only talking with me for an hour, then there must be some truth to it. (My boyfriend was kind enough to concur when I told him.) And since I am a strong, stubborn, SOB, I know I will make it through this. I know we will make it through this (because he is a strong, stubborn SOB as well).
Surviving
I honestly have no idea how I am going to survive the next year to year and a half. My boyfriend joined the army today. He is officially an Israeli soldier, and tomorrow (well, today actually), he signs a contract for service for fourteen months, with the possibility of extending it to eighteen months. Eighteen months. A year and a half of rarely seeing him, not talking to him often, of worrying about him. A year and a half of just not having him with me, of not being together. I do not know how I am going to survive it.
As if that is not enough, he might be there for three years, if he gets into the program that he wants. I will barely survive the fourteen to eighteen months that he will definitely be there for, but three years? There is no way I can do that, and I am not just saying that because of the way I feel now. I have been thinking about this for months now, trying to convince myself that I can handle a year and a half, that I can even handle three years, but deep down, I know that is not true. Like I said, I know I will be able to the eighteen months, it will be hard and long, and I will barely get through it, but I can do it. However, I know I cannot do the three years. It is just one of those instinctual, gut feelings, of something that you just know.
I feel horrible, hypocritical, and selfish for feeling like this, for having to tell him this, I cannot help it. One or both of us needs to come up with a better way to make this work, in a way where we both get to pursue our dreams and be together at the same time. In a way where I am not miserable every night and crying myself to sleep. I am sure there is a way. There has to be a way. We just have not found it yet.
Granted, I could always move and go to law school there, but as I have said before in other posts, not only is that not my law school dream, I would be alone in a strange city with barely any friends and family, where I am no longer familiar with the language, and I would be in school in a foreign country. Law school here is hard enough, doing it in a foreign country would be even harder. Plus, I would only see him once every three weekends.
I do not want him to give up his dream for me, nor would I ever ask him to do that, and he would never ask that of me. At the same time though, right now I feel like the only way this will work is if one of us puts our dream on hold in order to be together, but I do not want either one of us to do that. Yet, there must be a way. There has to be a way in which we can be together and achieve our dreams. In the meantime, I just have to survive.
As if that is not enough, he might be there for three years, if he gets into the program that he wants. I will barely survive the fourteen to eighteen months that he will definitely be there for, but three years? There is no way I can do that, and I am not just saying that because of the way I feel now. I have been thinking about this for months now, trying to convince myself that I can handle a year and a half, that I can even handle three years, but deep down, I know that is not true. Like I said, I know I will be able to the eighteen months, it will be hard and long, and I will barely get through it, but I can do it. However, I know I cannot do the three years. It is just one of those instinctual, gut feelings, of something that you just know.
I feel horrible, hypocritical, and selfish for feeling like this, for having to tell him this, I cannot help it. One or both of us needs to come up with a better way to make this work, in a way where we both get to pursue our dreams and be together at the same time. In a way where I am not miserable every night and crying myself to sleep. I am sure there is a way. There has to be a way. We just have not found it yet.
Granted, I could always move and go to law school there, but as I have said before in other posts, not only is that not my law school dream, I would be alone in a strange city with barely any friends and family, where I am no longer familiar with the language, and I would be in school in a foreign country. Law school here is hard enough, doing it in a foreign country would be even harder. Plus, I would only see him once every three weekends.
I do not want him to give up his dream for me, nor would I ever ask him to do that, and he would never ask that of me. At the same time though, right now I feel like the only way this will work is if one of us puts our dream on hold in order to be together, but I do not want either one of us to do that. Yet, there must be a way. There has to be a way in which we can be together and achieve our dreams. In the meantime, I just have to survive.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
My New Beginning
I believe everyone deserves a new beginning in life, a fresh start, and as I write this, I am in the midst of mine.
I am sitting in my (fairly) new room, in Michigan, with my law school books spread out around me. I have been here for a month, and while I acclimated and adjusted well, I still have moments where I will look around and think, "This is my new life," and wonder how I got here. Never in a million years did I think I would go away for law school; I was never the type to just up and move away. I am still not that type. Yet, here I am, in my own apartment, going to law school, making new friends (but keeping the old), and truly being an adult. And it is everything I ever dreamed it would be (minus one thing--my boyfriend).
Yes, there is an insane amount of work to do; yes, it is extremely stressful; yes, I miss my family; yes, there are a lot of late nights and threats to drop out (my boyfriend can testify to that); and yes, sometimes I cannot fathom the thought that this will be my life for the next three years (in a bad way), but honestly, despite all of that, I love it. Ok, I do not love the amount of work (or the work itself always), but I love everything else about it.
I love class and learning about the law. I love being on my own, being fully responsible for myself. I love making new friends and hanging out with them. I love being able to go out and not having to tell anyone. I love not having to answer to anyone (except myself). I love it all. This is my new beginning.
I am sitting in my (fairly) new room, in Michigan, with my law school books spread out around me. I have been here for a month, and while I acclimated and adjusted well, I still have moments where I will look around and think, "This is my new life," and wonder how I got here. Never in a million years did I think I would go away for law school; I was never the type to just up and move away. I am still not that type. Yet, here I am, in my own apartment, going to law school, making new friends (but keeping the old), and truly being an adult. And it is everything I ever dreamed it would be (minus one thing--my boyfriend).
Yes, there is an insane amount of work to do; yes, it is extremely stressful; yes, I miss my family; yes, there are a lot of late nights and threats to drop out (my boyfriend can testify to that); and yes, sometimes I cannot fathom the thought that this will be my life for the next three years (in a bad way), but honestly, despite all of that, I love it. Ok, I do not love the amount of work (or the work itself always), but I love everything else about it.
I love class and learning about the law. I love being on my own, being fully responsible for myself. I love making new friends and hanging out with them. I love being able to go out and not having to tell anyone. I love not having to answer to anyone (except myself). I love it all. This is my new beginning.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
My Greatest Adventure (Yet)
Today will mark the beginning of my greatest adventure yet. It is the beginning of many things. I head off to law school today, but not just that; it marks the beginning of my living completely on my own, being completely independent, and being away from home for a long period of time. I will also be in a new city and state, too.
I know this is something I have always dreamed of, but I am not going to lie, I am scared. Terrified, actually. All of these firsts, and I will be completely alone. When I need family and friends with me the most, my first day of law school, I will be alone. But everyone keeps telling me that I am strong, that I can do this, that I can handle it all, and in my good moments, I believe them. In my bad moments, well, that is when I need them the most. But they are only a phone call away. Either way, this is something I need to do for myself. I need to find out if law is right for me, and I need to find out that, as terrifying as it may be, that I can do this.
So, here's to my greatest my adventure, yet.
I know this is something I have always dreamed of, but I am not going to lie, I am scared. Terrified, actually. All of these firsts, and I will be completely alone. When I need family and friends with me the most, my first day of law school, I will be alone. But everyone keeps telling me that I am strong, that I can do this, that I can handle it all, and in my good moments, I believe them. In my bad moments, well, that is when I need them the most. But they are only a phone call away. Either way, this is something I need to do for myself. I need to find out if law is right for me, and I need to find out that, as terrifying as it may be, that I can do this.
So, here's to my greatest my adventure, yet.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
They Come in Threes
There is a saying, "All good things come in threes." Others say that bad things come in threes. I would say that whether good or bad, major events tend to come in threes. In the span of one month, I will have had three major life events happen. The first one already has happened. My boyfriend left to go back to Israel. The next one, occurring in a week, will be my moving to a completely new city and state. Finally, the third will be starting law school.
Before any of them had even happened yet, I was fine. Since my boyfriend leaving was the first event, it hit me hard. I had a great deal of trouble adjusting to it, mainly because he was gone and I miss him terribly, but I also think that a little bit of what I was feeling was reality hitting me. As I said, before he left I was fine. Before he left, all three things were still in the future, about to happen. I knew they were coming, but they had yet to happen. None of it was real. Then my boyfriend left, and the first bit of reality hit me. He really did leave. Then it was real, and that made the next two events real as well. I really am moving. I really am starting law school. All it took was for one piece of reality to hit me, and the rest came crumbling down right after it.
I knew none of them would be easy for me. The first one certainly was not. In fact, by the time everything is over, the first one will probably have been the hardest of the three, with law school coming in as a close second. I do know though, that the next two are scary. I am not so scared of moving to a new city or state and truly being on my own for the first time; what I am scared of is law school-- the work load, the effort it will take, but mostly, whether or not I will be able to handle it, whether or not I will succeed. It is all coming threes, and sometimes, that is not a bad thing at all, but in my case, I just wish they would have spaced themselves out a little better.
Before any of them had even happened yet, I was fine. Since my boyfriend leaving was the first event, it hit me hard. I had a great deal of trouble adjusting to it, mainly because he was gone and I miss him terribly, but I also think that a little bit of what I was feeling was reality hitting me. As I said, before he left I was fine. Before he left, all three things were still in the future, about to happen. I knew they were coming, but they had yet to happen. None of it was real. Then my boyfriend left, and the first bit of reality hit me. He really did leave. Then it was real, and that made the next two events real as well. I really am moving. I really am starting law school. All it took was for one piece of reality to hit me, and the rest came crumbling down right after it.
I knew none of them would be easy for me. The first one certainly was not. In fact, by the time everything is over, the first one will probably have been the hardest of the three, with law school coming in as a close second. I do know though, that the next two are scary. I am not so scared of moving to a new city or state and truly being on my own for the first time; what I am scared of is law school-- the work load, the effort it will take, but mostly, whether or not I will be able to handle it, whether or not I will succeed. It is all coming threes, and sometimes, that is not a bad thing at all, but in my case, I just wish they would have spaced themselves out a little better.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Making the Right Decision
Last January, I wrote about being at an impasse, what decision was the right one. I just reread that post and realized that not much has changed. The only things that have changed are that I am moving and going to law school, and that he is definitely going into the army. As I read the post, I realized that while I am still torn, maybe more so now, that this time it is different. This time, we are certain of each other, certain that we want to be together, and while I have always dreamed of going to law school, and still do, I also desire to be with him more than anything.
It has been my dream for thirteen years and I am finally going. I cannot give up on that, or postpone it. I have been fighting to get in for two years, and I now that I finally am, I cannot just give up on it. Who knows if I will ever get the chance again. Not to mention, I do not want to become that woman who gives up everything for a man, even if I do love him more than anything; I do not want to lose myself, or my dreams, and I do not want to regret it later in life because that would not be fair to either one of us. Plus, I know he does not want me to give up on or postpone my dream, and sometimes that is the only reason I am still going.
But the dream I have of being with him is a different kind of dream. Every fiber of my being wants to hop on a plane right now and just go there. And in my head, I know how irrational and stupid that would be. It does not make any sense. Even if I hopped on a plane now, he would be in the army in a little over a month and then I would be completely alone, in a foreign country, with no job, support system, anything, and I would barely ever see him (one weekend very three weeks). So what good would it do for me to give up or postpone (almost) everything I have ever wanted? None. Yes, I would get to be with him for a month, but in the end, it would not do anyone any good. At the same time though, I tell myself that while I would barely see him, it is better then never seeing him (he will have leave for one month every year, which is very much like never).
I realized the other day that a big part of my problem is not knowing how long this is going to be. He can do eighteen months in the army, three years, or any amount of time really, depending on what he wants, the unit he gets into, and what the army decides. I also came to the realization that I can handle eighteen months, but two or three years is too much for me. There is no way I can do that. I can say that for certain right now, and I know this is true because I do not just feel this way when I am missing him and miserable. I feel this way when I am feeling better and am optimistic, believing that we can do this, but thinking that I cannot do it for three years. And I know people will say "You'll be in law school and will be busy with that, and time will fly." Yes, time will fly. I am very aware of how quickly time flies. But there is a difference between time flying for eighteen months, and time flying for three years. There is a difference between being able to handle something on a smaller scale and being able to cope with something like this--being away from the person you love, the person you want to be with. Either way, I know I cannot handle three years.
Over the past few days I have come up with a few different ways this can go, and compromises to make this work after eighteen months (at least I think they are compromises, and fairly good ones at that). In one, he is only doing eighteen months in the army, and after that, he comes back here, stays with me while I finish law school. If he really wants to go back to Israel after I am done, then we will go back. In the other scenario, he does three years in the army, and everything is just reversed. I go there after eighteen months (I have not quite figured out the law school aspect of this yet, but I will), he finishes the army, and we can come back to the States so I can finish my law degree. After that, well, we shall see. But those are my solutions (so far). Yes, I am aware of how crazy this sounds, to be planning this now when neither one of us knows what will even happen within the next month. As I said before though, I hate not knowing how long this will be, and knowing I cannot survive it for longer than eighteen months, I need to find some solution, even if it is too early to make those kinds of plans.
Basically, it all boils down to that we are each doing what we have to do, for ourselves. He has to follow his dream; I have to follow mine. I know this. We did this before, and I know we can do it again, but it is not going to be easy. (And the time difference certainly doesn't help either.) But we take it one day at a time, and whatever happens, we will handle. Either way, I know that he is what I want; we both know that we want to be together, and we will both work to make it happen. Just one day at a time, but in the meantime, I just have to keep telling myself (and have others tell me) that I am, that we are, making the right decision.
It has been my dream for thirteen years and I am finally going. I cannot give up on that, or postpone it. I have been fighting to get in for two years, and I now that I finally am, I cannot just give up on it. Who knows if I will ever get the chance again. Not to mention, I do not want to become that woman who gives up everything for a man, even if I do love him more than anything; I do not want to lose myself, or my dreams, and I do not want to regret it later in life because that would not be fair to either one of us. Plus, I know he does not want me to give up on or postpone my dream, and sometimes that is the only reason I am still going.
But the dream I have of being with him is a different kind of dream. Every fiber of my being wants to hop on a plane right now and just go there. And in my head, I know how irrational and stupid that would be. It does not make any sense. Even if I hopped on a plane now, he would be in the army in a little over a month and then I would be completely alone, in a foreign country, with no job, support system, anything, and I would barely ever see him (one weekend very three weeks). So what good would it do for me to give up or postpone (almost) everything I have ever wanted? None. Yes, I would get to be with him for a month, but in the end, it would not do anyone any good. At the same time though, I tell myself that while I would barely see him, it is better then never seeing him (he will have leave for one month every year, which is very much like never).
I realized the other day that a big part of my problem is not knowing how long this is going to be. He can do eighteen months in the army, three years, or any amount of time really, depending on what he wants, the unit he gets into, and what the army decides. I also came to the realization that I can handle eighteen months, but two or three years is too much for me. There is no way I can do that. I can say that for certain right now, and I know this is true because I do not just feel this way when I am missing him and miserable. I feel this way when I am feeling better and am optimistic, believing that we can do this, but thinking that I cannot do it for three years. And I know people will say "You'll be in law school and will be busy with that, and time will fly." Yes, time will fly. I am very aware of how quickly time flies. But there is a difference between time flying for eighteen months, and time flying for three years. There is a difference between being able to handle something on a smaller scale and being able to cope with something like this--being away from the person you love, the person you want to be with. Either way, I know I cannot handle three years.
Over the past few days I have come up with a few different ways this can go, and compromises to make this work after eighteen months (at least I think they are compromises, and fairly good ones at that). In one, he is only doing eighteen months in the army, and after that, he comes back here, stays with me while I finish law school. If he really wants to go back to Israel after I am done, then we will go back. In the other scenario, he does three years in the army, and everything is just reversed. I go there after eighteen months (I have not quite figured out the law school aspect of this yet, but I will), he finishes the army, and we can come back to the States so I can finish my law degree. After that, well, we shall see. But those are my solutions (so far). Yes, I am aware of how crazy this sounds, to be planning this now when neither one of us knows what will even happen within the next month. As I said before though, I hate not knowing how long this will be, and knowing I cannot survive it for longer than eighteen months, I need to find some solution, even if it is too early to make those kinds of plans.
Basically, it all boils down to that we are each doing what we have to do, for ourselves. He has to follow his dream; I have to follow mine. I know this. We did this before, and I know we can do it again, but it is not going to be easy. (And the time difference certainly doesn't help either.) But we take it one day at a time, and whatever happens, we will handle. Either way, I know that he is what I want; we both know that we want to be together, and we will both work to make it happen. Just one day at a time, but in the meantime, I just have to keep telling myself (and have others tell me) that I am, that we are, making the right decision.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Already Written
Everything I want to write about at this moment has already been written--by me. There is nothing new here, though now it is a year and a half later and I feel exactly the same way again. Torn, sad, broken and brokenhearted, wondering if I am making the right decision in not going with him, not being sure I can handle this, wondering if I will survive it, and so many other emotions. And I know this is hard for him as well.
My boyfriend left to return to Israel two days ago. He was here for two months, even though he was only supposed to be here for two weeks. I wish he could have stayed longer, much longer (forever, really), but since I know that is not possible, I will take whatever I can get. I am so happy and grateful that we did have the time together though, short as it was, and would not trade it for anything.
Sending him off and saying goodbye does not get any easier, no matter how many times I do it. In fact, I would say that this time was the most difficult, but I am not sure why. Maybe because we just got back together, or because he goes into the army at the end of January, or because I know I will not see him for at least another year. Mostly, it is because I love him more than I can put into words and want to be with him, though the other three definitely do not help. All I know is that leaving him at the airport yesterday was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
My boyfriend left to return to Israel two days ago. He was here for two months, even though he was only supposed to be here for two weeks. I wish he could have stayed longer, much longer (forever, really), but since I know that is not possible, I will take whatever I can get. I am so happy and grateful that we did have the time together though, short as it was, and would not trade it for anything.
Sending him off and saying goodbye does not get any easier, no matter how many times I do it. In fact, I would say that this time was the most difficult, but I am not sure why. Maybe because we just got back together, or because he goes into the army at the end of January, or because I know I will not see him for at least another year. Mostly, it is because I love him more than I can put into words and want to be with him, though the other three definitely do not help. All I know is that leaving him at the airport yesterday was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Back To Normal
Today, my life returned to normal. Or what I thought was normal. If you had asked me two months ago, normal was going to work, preparing to move, going out with friends a few times a week, sitting at home at night watching TV basically doing whatever needed to be done. I was just going through the motions. Now though, that is no longer the case. In fact, I now realize it never was my normal.
The last two months, my ex, and now current, boyfriend was here visiting. In those two months, I realized that those times in my life without him were never normal. There was something missing. Normal is being with my boyfriend, having him in my life (on a more regular, boyfriend-like basis), talking to him, listening to his endless fountain of information about anything and everything, watching TV shows with him days after they air, and just spending time with him. I realized that that is how my life should be. That is my normal. He may not be here right now, but he is my normal, and always has been. And somewhere, deep down, I always knew that.
The last two months, my ex, and now current, boyfriend was here visiting. In those two months, I realized that those times in my life without him were never normal. There was something missing. Normal is being with my boyfriend, having him in my life (on a more regular, boyfriend-like basis), talking to him, listening to his endless fountain of information about anything and everything, watching TV shows with him days after they air, and just spending time with him. I realized that that is how my life should be. That is my normal. He may not be here right now, but he is my normal, and always has been. And somewhere, deep down, I always knew that.
Friday, December 10, 2010
25 Life Lessons
Yesterday was my twenty-fifth birthday, and as I turn a quarter of century old and prepare for a huge change in my life, I cannot help but think about the life lessons that I will take with me. So, in honor of these major life events, I decided to write about these important life lessons I. I have no doubt that there is a vast amount of lessons yet to be learned, but in the meantime, here are those 25 lessons that I will be taking with me (in no particular order):
1. Be yourself. People will love/like you for who you are.
2. Have confidence and be confident. It shows.
3. Do not be afraid to love, to risk your heart and take a chance. It is one of the scariest things you will ever do, but it can end up being one of the best things ever.
4. Don't be afraid to ask questions. It is better to ask questions and get it right in the end, then to mess up because you were too afraid to ask.
5. New experiences are great, but don't forget that the ones in your past are where you learned most of your lessons.
6. The same can be said for friends. Make new friends, but don't forget the old. They helped you get to where you are today.
7. Speaking of friends... "Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support." Lean on them when you need, be there for them when they need. A true best friend is one of a kind.
8. Take care of yourself, inside and out. It is important, more so than you know.
9. Laugh. Whatever happens in life, do not forget to laugh, including at yourself. "Carry laughter with you wherever you go."
10. Do not forget what your passion is. Follow it, live it.
11. Take responsibility for your actions and words.
12. Forgiveness is not for other person, but yourself. Forgive, but you do not have to forget.
13. You are stronger than you think. Much more so.
14. Work hard. Only you can get what you want.
15. We all make mistakes, we are human. "Mistakes are part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way."
16. Trust yourself. Trust your instincts, and what you believe.
17. Enjoy the simple things in life. They are more beautiful, and most times more fleeting, than you realize.
18. Live in the here and now. The past is gone, and the future is yet to come, but now is already here.
19. Slow down long enough to notice the people and things around you.
20. Do not act like a child, but do be child-like.
21. Time does heal all wounds, so give yourself (and time), time.
22. Find something to believe in.
23. Do not take yourself too seriously. No one else does.
24. If we all threw our problems into one big pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
25. Life is what you make of it, so go out, enjoy it, and make the best of it.
1. Be yourself. People will love/like you for who you are.
2. Have confidence and be confident. It shows.
3. Do not be afraid to love, to risk your heart and take a chance. It is one of the scariest things you will ever do, but it can end up being one of the best things ever.
4. Don't be afraid to ask questions. It is better to ask questions and get it right in the end, then to mess up because you were too afraid to ask.
5. New experiences are great, but don't forget that the ones in your past are where you learned most of your lessons.
6. The same can be said for friends. Make new friends, but don't forget the old. They helped you get to where you are today.
7. Speaking of friends... "Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support." Lean on them when you need, be there for them when they need. A true best friend is one of a kind.
8. Take care of yourself, inside and out. It is important, more so than you know.
9. Laugh. Whatever happens in life, do not forget to laugh, including at yourself. "Carry laughter with you wherever you go."
10. Do not forget what your passion is. Follow it, live it.
11. Take responsibility for your actions and words.
12. Forgiveness is not for other person, but yourself. Forgive, but you do not have to forget.
13. You are stronger than you think. Much more so.
14. Work hard. Only you can get what you want.
15. We all make mistakes, we are human. "Mistakes are part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way."
16. Trust yourself. Trust your instincts, and what you believe.
17. Enjoy the simple things in life. They are more beautiful, and most times more fleeting, than you realize.
18. Live in the here and now. The past is gone, and the future is yet to come, but now is already here.
19. Slow down long enough to notice the people and things around you.
20. Do not act like a child, but do be child-like.
21. Time does heal all wounds, so give yourself (and time), time.
22. Find something to believe in.
23. Do not take yourself too seriously. No one else does.
24. If we all threw our problems into one big pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
25. Life is what you make of it, so go out, enjoy it, and make the best of it.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Let Me Explain Myself
In a month and a half I will be twenty-five years old. In two months, I will be moving to a completely different city and will be completely on my own for the first time. In two months, I will no longer have to explain myself to my mom, tell her when I am going out, where I am going, or with whom. I will not have to worry about the looks or the side comments after I come home late at night (or early in the morning). I will not have to let her know if I will not be home when she comes home from work. In fact, I will not have to tell her anything unless I choose to share it with her.
I know she does this because she cares, worries, and loves me. I get it, I do. I completely understand and I love her for it. But to me, there is a line between between being caring and worrying about your child, and treating your twenty-five year old daughter like she is a fifteen year old teenager. I am an adult. I am responsible, independent, and have a good head on my shoulders, and it would be very nice to be treated like that every once in awhile. Sometimes I feel very stifled. I mean, if I am old enough to move out and go to law school, I think I am old enough to go out with my friends and not have to explain myself to mother, right? I certainly think so. I do not think I am asking for much here. It would just be very nice to walk out of the house and not have to tell anyone where I am going, who I am going with, or what time I will be back. Do not mistake me--I will miss my mom greatly, but at the same time, it will be nice to finally, completely, feel like the adult I am.
I know she does this because she cares, worries, and loves me. I get it, I do. I completely understand and I love her for it. But to me, there is a line between between being caring and worrying about your child, and treating your twenty-five year old daughter like she is a fifteen year old teenager. I am an adult. I am responsible, independent, and have a good head on my shoulders, and it would be very nice to be treated like that every once in awhile. Sometimes I feel very stifled. I mean, if I am old enough to move out and go to law school, I think I am old enough to go out with my friends and not have to explain myself to mother, right? I certainly think so. I do not think I am asking for much here. It would just be very nice to walk out of the house and not have to tell anyone where I am going, who I am going with, or what time I will be back. Do not mistake me--I will miss my mom greatly, but at the same time, it will be nice to finally, completely, feel like the adult I am.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Some Things Never Change
Change is good, as scary as it may be at times, change is good. Yet sometimes, it is nice to see that certain things never change.
My ex, and someone whom I still consider one of my closest friends, came in from Israel last Tuesday. In the time he has been here, we have hung out quite a bit. At first I was worried things would be awkward between us; we have not seen each other in almost a year, nor have we seen each other since before we broke up. Yes, we remained friends and still talk, but seeing each other for the first time in almost a year can be a bit nerve racking, at least for me.
I do not know why I was worried, though. It is almost as if he never left. We still hang out, talk, argue, and even do the same things. He still spends the majority of time on his computer, doing G-d knows what. He still leaves his stuff spread out all over the place, among other things. In other words, he is (basically) still the same man I know, the same man I came to love.
However, some things do change. The obvious one-- we are no longer dating. Another, we are both taking our lives in very different directions. He is going into the Israeli army; I am moving and going to be starting law school. And while we both may essentially be the same people, there are subtle changes. The two that stand out the most for me-- he is more mature, and more focused. So while he is still the same man, he is somewhat different. And I am sure I have changed a bit as well, but for that list, you will have to ask him.
Still, it is nice to know, and see, that while some things do change, there are others that never do.
My ex, and someone whom I still consider one of my closest friends, came in from Israel last Tuesday. In the time he has been here, we have hung out quite a bit. At first I was worried things would be awkward between us; we have not seen each other in almost a year, nor have we seen each other since before we broke up. Yes, we remained friends and still talk, but seeing each other for the first time in almost a year can be a bit nerve racking, at least for me.
I do not know why I was worried, though. It is almost as if he never left. We still hang out, talk, argue, and even do the same things. He still spends the majority of time on his computer, doing G-d knows what. He still leaves his stuff spread out all over the place, among other things. In other words, he is (basically) still the same man I know, the same man I came to love.
However, some things do change. The obvious one-- we are no longer dating. Another, we are both taking our lives in very different directions. He is going into the Israeli army; I am moving and going to be starting law school. And while we both may essentially be the same people, there are subtle changes. The two that stand out the most for me-- he is more mature, and more focused. So while he is still the same man, he is somewhat different. And I am sure I have changed a bit as well, but for that list, you will have to ask him.
Still, it is nice to know, and see, that while some things do change, there are others that never do.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Looking Back
I was looking at some Facebook pictures a few weeks ago of people that I went to high school with, ones that I have not seen or talked to since we graduated six and a half years ago. In these pictures, they were drinking, doing silly things, dancing, etc. Essentially, being young adults. When I saw the pictures of them with drinks in their hands, I thought to myself, "We're not old enough to drink," forgetting that, in fact, we are.
You see, when I see people that I graduated high school with, whether in pictures or in real life, people I no longer have any contact with, I am immediately a teenager again, back in high school, with braces and bad hair, and so are they. I temporarily forget that we are all full grown adults, on our own, with jobs, significant others, and everything else that comes with being an adult. For a few seconds there, I am transported back to high school.
Once I come to my senses and realize that I am almost twenty-five years old, about to move to go to law school, and that we are all of legal drinking age, I breath a huge sigh of relief, so thankful that I am no longer in high school. I am not saying that I did not like high school; I did. I had fun. But that part of my life is over and done with. I am no longer that person. I am on a new path; I like where I am, where I am going, and I would not change it or go back for anything.
You see, when I see people that I graduated high school with, whether in pictures or in real life, people I no longer have any contact with, I am immediately a teenager again, back in high school, with braces and bad hair, and so are they. I temporarily forget that we are all full grown adults, on our own, with jobs, significant others, and everything else that comes with being an adult. For a few seconds there, I am transported back to high school.
Once I come to my senses and realize that I am almost twenty-five years old, about to move to go to law school, and that we are all of legal drinking age, I breath a huge sigh of relief, so thankful that I am no longer in high school. I am not saying that I did not like high school; I did. I had fun. But that part of my life is over and done with. I am no longer that person. I am on a new path; I like where I am, where I am going, and I would not change it or go back for anything.
Monday, October 04, 2010
I Want My Mommy
These past few days I have been sick; sore throat, sneezing, low-grade fever, you know, the typical cold. Aside from curling up in bed into a little ball until it goes away, all I want is my mom, and I am not ashamed to admit it. Yes, I am almost 25 years old, but when I get sick, no matter what it is, how old I am, where I am, all I want is my mommy. There is nothing like a mother's hug, touch, and care to make a person feel better, even when they are at their lowest. There is nothing like a mother.
I was considering this the other day, and I realized that this will be the last time in a long time I will be able to go to my mom for comfort when I am sick. The next time I become sick, I will be in Michigan, 250 miles away from my mom and the comfort of her arms. This hit me like a ton of bricks. It was probably the one thing I had yet to consider about my move. I had considered everything else but this. Yes, I can call her, and we can talk, but it will not be the same. She will not be there to hug me, to feel my forehead checking to make sure I do not have a fever, she will not bring me chicken soup, or just be there to lean against. I will not have that anymore.
I will have to learn how to cope without her, in all things. Not only will I have to comfort myself when sick, but I will have to be my own sounding board, make my own dinners (and breakfasts and lunches), remind myself of the thousands of things I need to do, and many other things. I am positive that she will still do whatever she can over the phone, but it will not be the same. She will not be there. It will be up to me.
In the meantime, I will take whatever I can get, and then some. Like I said, there is nothing like a mother.
I was considering this the other day, and I realized that this will be the last time in a long time I will be able to go to my mom for comfort when I am sick. The next time I become sick, I will be in Michigan, 250 miles away from my mom and the comfort of her arms. This hit me like a ton of bricks. It was probably the one thing I had yet to consider about my move. I had considered everything else but this. Yes, I can call her, and we can talk, but it will not be the same. She will not be there to hug me, to feel my forehead checking to make sure I do not have a fever, she will not bring me chicken soup, or just be there to lean against. I will not have that anymore.
I will have to learn how to cope without her, in all things. Not only will I have to comfort myself when sick, but I will have to be my own sounding board, make my own dinners (and breakfasts and lunches), remind myself of the thousands of things I need to do, and many other things. I am positive that she will still do whatever she can over the phone, but it will not be the same. She will not be there. It will be up to me.
In the meantime, I will take whatever I can get, and then some. Like I said, there is nothing like a mother.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
The Need for....Change
Every so often in life, I get this urge to change something. Nothing big, just something to shake things up, make life a little different, a little exciting. It does not have to be something that I do to myself, but it has to shake my life up a little bit. It does not have to be anything major, either, but it has to be fairly substantial; nothing like going out and buying a new pair of shoes. It can be as simple as (another) piercing, cutting my hair, or buying a new mattress (which I did not do). But it has to be something.
Lately, I have been having this urge. I have this desire to do something, make my life a little more exciting, because you know, my life is not already exciting enough (with all the upcoming and past events, holidays, and moving). Really, I do have enough excitement in my life right now. There are (or were) the loads of Jewish holidays this month, next month I have two bridal showers (one of which I am helping to plan), a bachelorette party (which I am planning), a wedding, preparing to move, and some other things I am sure I am forgetting. So why in the world do I feel the need to bring some more excitement to my life? I do not have the time, energy, or patience for much else at the moment, yet, the desire is still there. And it is going to stay there. This is one time in my life I do not need any more change or excitement.
Lately, I have been having this urge. I have this desire to do something, make my life a little more exciting, because you know, my life is not already exciting enough (with all the upcoming and past events, holidays, and moving). Really, I do have enough excitement in my life right now. There are (or were) the loads of Jewish holidays this month, next month I have two bridal showers (one of which I am helping to plan), a bachelorette party (which I am planning), a wedding, preparing to move, and some other things I am sure I am forgetting. So why in the world do I feel the need to bring some more excitement to my life? I do not have the time, energy, or patience for much else at the moment, yet, the desire is still there. And it is going to stay there. This is one time in my life I do not need any more change or excitement.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Around The Table
As I sat down to the dinner table at my aunt's house on Erev Rosh HaShana, I noticed how much it has changed in the past ten years, how much the seating arrangement and the people around it had changed. Yes, I know many things change in ten years, but I did not expect to see my role, the new teenager who recently started high school, played out by the oldest of my younger cousins, M. It never occurred to me that I would see myself in my younger cousin. Nor was I expecting to be placed in my older cousins' shoes.
Ten years ago, only one set of my older cousins had children (two daughters), and the other two sets of cousins were married, but no children (yet). Ten years ago, it was I who had just entered high school, I who did not want to be placed at the "children's table" (which essentially just consisted of myself and my younger brother), I who wanted so badly to sit and talk with my cousins like the adult I thought I was. It was I who was being asked about high school and what teachers I had, about the homework, classes, and books I had to read.
But as we sat down to begin our meal this year, I realized that it was not myself caught between childhood and adulthood, it was not I who had just entered high school and wanted to sit with adults in my family. I was already there. I was sitting at the table with the adults, talking to them as if I was one. M, my fourteen year old cousin, was in the role I used to play, and I was playing the role of the older cousin, the one she wanted to sit next to, to talk to, the one she looked up to.
As she and I walked to my aunt's (her grandmother) house the next day from synagogue, talking like we never have before, I realized how nice it was to finally be at this point, to be able to talk to her more like the adult she is becoming, instead of the child she used to be. Then I thought to myself how nice it was that things were coming full circle, and that who knows, maybe in ten years, she will have the same revelations as I just did.
Ten years ago, only one set of my older cousins had children (two daughters), and the other two sets of cousins were married, but no children (yet). Ten years ago, it was I who had just entered high school, I who did not want to be placed at the "children's table" (which essentially just consisted of myself and my younger brother), I who wanted so badly to sit and talk with my cousins like the adult I thought I was. It was I who was being asked about high school and what teachers I had, about the homework, classes, and books I had to read.
But as we sat down to begin our meal this year, I realized that it was not myself caught between childhood and adulthood, it was not I who had just entered high school and wanted to sit with adults in my family. I was already there. I was sitting at the table with the adults, talking to them as if I was one. M, my fourteen year old cousin, was in the role I used to play, and I was playing the role of the older cousin, the one she wanted to sit next to, to talk to, the one she looked up to.
As she and I walked to my aunt's (her grandmother) house the next day from synagogue, talking like we never have before, I realized how nice it was to finally be at this point, to be able to talk to her more like the adult she is becoming, instead of the child she used to be. Then I thought to myself how nice it was that things were coming full circle, and that who knows, maybe in ten years, she will have the same revelations as I just did.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
My Last Hurrah (a.k.a. Niagara Falls)
The second to last weekend in August I went to Niagara Falls, on a vacation with my best friend. We went to the Canadian side (and, according to our shuttle driver, we chose well as there is nothing on the New York side). Months ago, when we were originally discussing taking a vacation, we talked about going to Las Vegas, but we ended up in Niagara Falls because of an event that took place there that weekend.*
We had an absolute blast! We met some very awesome people, partied like it was 1999, and had a boatload of laughs. It was one of the best vacations I have ever been on. And best of all, my best friend's dream came true--she met her idol. What are the odds that in your lifetime you will get to meet yours? Yeah, exactly. Slim. But she did (and she has the picture to prove it!)! We also saw some great skateboarding tricks, awesome motocross biking, went gambling for the first time (and lost), and of course, saw the beautiful Niagara Falls.
As I begin law school in January and will probably not be going on any vacations for quite awhile, I began declaring this trip "My Last Hurrah." I figure it will be the last time for at least the next three years that I will be able to do anything like it, and I am so glad I was able to do it, and that I had such a great time. Now I can go off to law school without looking back and thinking, "I wish I had done that before I left," because I did, and I have an indefinite amount of memories to carry me through until next time.
*If you want to know what event, look here (and don't judge :-P ).
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