It is said that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Well, in the days before Rosh Hashanah I felt like I was dying on the inside. I felt like my heart was ripped out from my chest and stomped on, over and over and over again. I wanted to retreat into my own little world. I wanted to not come out until it was all over. I wanted to wallow in my misery, and to hell with everything else. However, life did not allow me that luxury, and thank G-d it didn't. Because I was forced to go on with my life, to celebrate a holiday I truly did not feel like celebrating, I ended up feeling much better than I would have if I had gotten my way and was allowed to wallow and sulk.
Yet, it wasn't as simple as that. I was left with many unanswered questions, the foremost being "WHY?" Why did he do what he did to me? Why didn't he have the decency to at least tell me? How could he have just used me like that? The list went on and on. So I dared to something I would have probably never dared to before-I demanded answers from him. I never got them, but that's ok. I didn't think I actually was going to. And I'm ok with that, I really am. I'm not saying it still doesn't hurt a bit at times, but it definitely hurts a lot less.
I credit my 'recovery' to the huge support I found from my family and friends (including those on Hashkafah). You have no idea how much it means to me (or maybe you do) to have such great, wonderful, kind, and caring people behind me. Thank all of you so very very much.
I also want to wish everyone a Gmar Chasimah Tova. May everyone have a peaceful and meaningful Yom Kippur.
5 comments:
Jill,
I think you need to stop looking at the surface of what happened and start looking deeper. This guy was an obstacle for you. He was an obstacle to your finding your true basherte. Come on, you obviously have a deep spark in your neshama for yiddishkeit. Do you really thing that dating someone who doesn't have that same spark is going to be your soulmate? Hashem has someone else in mind for you. Now you can continue on your journey towards finding him. You have all these questions to which neither you nor he have the answers to. Why did it end? How could he do this? Can't you see that there is someone and something bigger than both of you orchestrating events here. And the timing of it all? Right before Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur? Wake up girl! Hashem is trying to tell you something - to lead you somewhere. Stop asking questions about the past - and start asking questions about your future. You might like the answers....
You are amazing and very strong. Always here for you. Have a meaningful fast.
well i would have said essentially what has already been said, so i will just offer *hugs* and you know i'm always here for you if you need to talk or anything. love you dear. G-d has someone very special for you, just be patient. you are an incredibly special person and you will find someone who will treat you the way you deserve, i just know it :) *hugs again*
Sharon-You're right. And I thought about the timing of the whole thing. Coincidence? No. I don't think so. But it still hurt. But you're right. The past is the past, and I can't change it.
Ski-Thank you. And you know it's a two way street.
Beans-Thank you too. It's always great to know that I have great friends behind me. :)
Lansi-Thank you. :) I know you're always there for me, and I really do appreciate it. But when this happened I just retreated into my own little world for a couple of days. After I came out I didn't really want to talk or think about it much, so I didn't really mention it. And you're right. Everything is a learning experience (even if it is a cliche, I still believe it), so I'm walking away from it with a lesson or two. But thanks for your love and support. Ok, now I have to end this before I start crying. Love you too Lansi. :)
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