What To Say

I have begun this post so many times in the past weeks, but I have either ended up deleting what I wrote, or I did not even know what to write or where to start. My thoughts and feelings are floating around in my head, all jumbled, and occasionally, if I am lucky, I can actually think something through and come to a (temporary) conclusion. A few days later though, I am back to where I started--confused, chaotic thoughts and feelings. 

I started writing this because usually putting my thoughts down into words helps me organize them, sort them and my feelings out, and maybe come to a conclusion. Or at least see other options, ones I may not have considered before. But this time, it does not seem to be working. I cannot seem to get anything down; I cannot even seem to organize anything just enough to put them into words. For once, I am at a complete loss here, and right now, more than ever, I need the outlet writing gives me. Yet, I cannot seem to find it. I have no idea what to say.

Therapeutic Blogging

When I first started my blog about four years ago, I did because I loved writing (and still do) and wanted a place to write whatever I wanted without being censored. It also allowed me to pass the time and make myself think, make my brain work, instead of just being numb from boredom. I also liked it because it was fairly unknown to the world and most people did not have one. (I am weird like that; I like having new, interesting things most people do not have or know about yet.) It became my hobby. I wrote whatever I wanted, whatever came to mind. It was great; I loved it.

In the last year to year and a half though, my blog has been more than just a blog. I no longer write random musings, thoughts, etc. I write as an outlet. It allows me to sort through my thoughts, get them down, organize them, and then go back later to look it over and think about it some more. It allows me to work through whatever it is that needs to be, whatever it is that is on my mind or bothering me. In a way, it is like therapy. And the best part about it: it's free.

Questioning My Sanity

Do you ever look back on something you did or said and think, "What the hell was I thinking?!" I did that a few times today. Every time I thought about this* post I thought that. Mostly, I thought about what my ex would think if and when he read it. That is when I would think "What the hell was I thinking?!" I worried that once he read it that things would change between us, that it would freak him out and make him rethink the friendship, which is not what I want. I still want to be friends with him.

But I worried, wondered why I thought it was a good idea to post it, and thought about taking it down. Then I realized that no matter what happens with him and our friendship, I wrote that for me. I wrote it because I needed to get it out, organize my thoughts and feelings, and sort through all of it. I would have still accomplished that even if I took it down, but doing so would not be keeping true to myself. I am not sure if I can explain it, but no matter what happens, that post needs to stay up. I need to have it up there for me. So up there it remains.




*For those that read the post before, yes, I did edit it and take some things out. I feel they no longer need to be there. They were there in the first place for myself, but I no longer need it all posted.

A New Day

In the hour and a half since my last post, a new day has arrived, in more ways than one for me though. In that time, I have had a tremendous turnaround. I went from feeling shitty, hurt, and lost, to great, hopeful, and found. I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and in fact, in a way, it has. By getting everything down, sorting through it, and organizing my thoughts, I was able to see things more clearly. It was as if I needed to write it down and blog about it in order to move past it.

What I really needed though was to not carry it around inside of me anymore. And I no longer am. I feel as if I set myself free, and that is exactly what I did. While I had talked about it before with some friends, I did not tell them everything. I had trouble saying it all out loud. But I was able to blog about all of it, and that made all the difference. I now know that I can move forward, that I will be able to move forward, heal, and get on with my life. And that is exactly what I am going to do.

Happy Passover!

To all my Jewish (and non-Jewish) readers:

My apologies for the lack of posts as of late, but I'll be back with more after the holiday is over. In the meantime, if anyone wants a good laugh, check this out. Enjoy the holiday and the matzah!

One Of Those Days

Do you ever have one of those days where you are exhausted, can't seem to keep your eyes open, yet, somehow the day passes by very quickly, but you have no idea how that happened? Today was that day for me. Not a bad day, but definitely not a good day. I slept horribly last night, got up at an ungodly hour in the morning, yet, somehow, managed to make it to 6PM without a nap. To top it all off, I actually got a few hours of studying done!

But here I sit. It is almost 6PM, I am watching my cousin, playing endless games of Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook, and listening to music to drown out my little cousins' music. And now the time is dragging. It is too late for a nap and I cannot study because I am too exhausted, yet I have nothing to do. What does that leave me? Time to think. I hate that. I do not want to think, about anything, especially today when I am going on about three hours of sleep. But especially about the one thing I cannot seem to keep my thoughts away from the past few days. I do not want to think about that. I refuse to think about that. I want to avoid it, and everything about it.

Yet, here I am, sitting, blogging, and thinking about it somewhat. I would work on other blog posts if I thought they would come out even the least bit coherent, just to get my mind on something else, but I do not think I would even understand what I would try to write. I guess I will go back to playing endless games Bejeweled Blitz.

Happy New Year!

To all my friends, readers, lurkers, and everyone else, Happy New Year! May this year be one of health, happiness, success, and everything else you wish for!

 

101 Ways to Annoy People

A friend of mine recently commented of how she started to read my blog, but couldn't continue as it was too sad. I thought about it and realized that she had a point. As of late, my blog has kind of been a downer (Debbie Downer anyone?), so, in honor of her, I am reposting what I think is one of my funniest posts, and just one of the funniest things ever. (I wish I could take credit for it, but I cannot.) Enjoy!

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..." 5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. 7. Speak only in a "robot" voice. 8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub". 10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies. 11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 12. Sniffle incessantly. 13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." 18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace". 19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." 20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol. 21. Practice making fax and modem noises. 22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. 23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." 26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy." 27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. 28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. 29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 34. Drum on every available surface. 35. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. 37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings. 38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks. 39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. 40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. 41. Set alarms for random times. 42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. 43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. 44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 45. Honk and wave to strangers. 46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange. 47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. 49. Wear your pants backwards. 50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" 52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. 53. only type in lowercase. 54. dont use any punctuation either 55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 56. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. 60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories. 61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now." 62. Light road flares on a birthday cake. 63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. 64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. 65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador." 66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. 67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. 68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One." 69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. 71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. 72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 73. Drive half a block. 74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. 75. Ask people what gender they are. 76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back. 77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl. 78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". 79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. 80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet. 81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. 82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. 83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a." 84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. 86. Wear a LOT of cologne. 87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." 88. Sing along at the opera. 89. Mow your lawn with scissors. 90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!" 91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend." 92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." 94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." 95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 96. Never make eye contact. 97. Never break eye contact. 98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. 99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. 100. Make appointments for the 31st of September. 101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Featured Blog

A special thanks to Lynette, over at Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground, who has made my blog the featured blog today as part of "Getting to Know You" feature! Here is the post featuring my blog. Also, a special thanks goes out to the many readers who visited from there!

Check out Lynette's blog, along with the others. She has many, many readers, so have fun checking those out! Thanks again to Lynette and her readers!

Calling All Visitors!

Ok, people. I see you, I know you're there, lurking. I also know you don't leave comments on my blog posts, which is fine. You don't have to comment on every post, but a nice "hi" once in awhile would be nice. So, if you'll be so kind as to leave a little note, just let me know that you visited, that you like my blog, or whatever, I'd really appreciate it. Ok, I lied. I would love it! And if you don't like my blog, well, then you don't comment and can ignore this post. :P

Here, I'll start. I'll write the first comment. Now, it's your turn. I look forward to hearing from you!

Praying for Stellan

For the past few months I have been following MckMama's blog about her life and her children (she's the creator of Not Me! Mondays), especially Stellan. He is eight months old, and has a very serious heart condition. Currently, he is in the hospital, and it looks like he is headed for heart surgery. I have added his button to the side of my blog. If everyone can please keep him in your prayers, it would be greatly appreciated.

For more on Stellan, visit MckMama's blog here. And whatever you do, keep praying.

Blogaholic

Hello, everyone. My name is Jill, and I am a blogaholic. It started out as something fun and creative, an outlet. But it has developed into so much more. I find myself constantly refreshing my Google homepage, where my Google Reader appears, to see if any of the blogs I follow have a new post I can read and comment on. When I see there is nothing, I am disappointed. Very disappointed. As I refreshed my Google homepage for the billionth time tonight, I realized, I need help. Or a life.

P.S. This post is my 100th post!

New Blog Look

I have changed the look of my blog (just for those who have not noticed :-P). It was a tough call between Annalyse 2 and Meema, but in the end, you can see Meema won out. I've obviously tweaked it here and there, making it to my preference and what I like, but I want to hear from you as well. Let me know what you think! If you think something is too big, too small, wrong color, hard to read, etc., tell me. I really want to know. In the meantime, look it over and happy reading!

P.S. If you want your own blog template, either click on the LeeLou button on the sidebar or here.

Blog Labels

I recently decided to "label" all my blog posts, so I sat here for a half hour doing just that. Well, I quit. My most recent posts are labeled, along with most of my old ones from before my BTO (Blog Time Off). So just a warning to my readers: Not all my posts have labels, so if you are looking for specific post and use the "labels" to find it, it might not show up that way. As I said, this especially applies to my older posts.