And wanting to run away from it. I am doing what I have always wanted to do, what I have dreamed of doing for twelve years, and lately, all I want to do is quit. I want to run back home, back where I don't have the immense amount of pressure, stress, and work that I do here. Where I can go back to my part-time job while I try to figure out what else to do with my life. (Journalism, maybe. See? I've given this some serious thought already. I've even seriously considered moving to Israel and doing something there, but what I have no idea.)
But I don't run, anywhere. I stay here and tell myself that this is my dream. This is what I fought to be able to do for two years. This is why I moved away from my family and friends, from everything I have ever known. How many people get to live out their dream? I am one of the lucky ones, I know that. But I still cannot help but think that maybe I am not cut out for this. Maybe, just maybe, this is not right for me after all. Just because you want to do something, doesn't mean you should do it. Then I ask myself if I really believe that, if I really believe I am not cut out for law school, and I say "no." Truth be told, though, I do love (most of) this. Granted, some classes make me want to shoot myself or the book (property law anyone?), and reading cases can be extremely boring, but there are some classes and subjects I really do enjoy.
I realized recently that part of the reason I want to go home is because, aside from the stress, once my best friend moves back I will be all alone here, and as much as I like living alone, I'm still alone. There is no one here, physically, to give me comfort, to talk to, or just be here with me. Yes, I have friends here from school, and as great as some of them are, it's not the same. They are not family, not my boyfriend, or friends that I have known most of my life.
Everyone keeps telling me to give it a year, especially current and former law students. And I will. I knew before I got here that this was going to be extremely hard and stressful, and I still have those nagging doubts all the time, especially when I'm feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and pressured. But I also know myself, and I know that if I really did think that I could not do this or if I really wanted out, I would be out by now. I would not be hemming and hawing over it; it would be done. Yet, it's not, and I am still here, living the dream.
Showing posts with label Experiences. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Experiences. Show all posts
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
A Dose of Reality
I am not really one to run from reality. I threaten to run, and often times do my best to avoid it, but I eventually face it, and of my own volition. But there are certain things I actually do run from and do my damn best to avoid. The list is short though. These days there is really only one thing I refuse to confront--my boyfriend being in the Israeli army. I absolutely refuse to think about it, refuse to think about what it truly means and what the potential consequences are.
Then there are nights like tonight, where something happens, some awful news about someone you know (maybe not personally, but you know the person all the same or you have some connection to him/her), and I am forced to confront it, forced to think about it.
Tonight I heard that someone's brother was killed while serving in the Israeli Defense Force. It's horrible, extremely saddening, and terrifying. This was my dose of reality. I feel for his family, I truly do. But as sad and awful as it is, I could not help but think of my boyfriend, who recently joined the IDF. It made me think of things that I greatly prefer not thinking about. I have no problem thinking of him as a soldier, in the Israeli army. My problem is thinking about what that truly means, what the consequences really are. It made me realize, yet again, that this could, in reality, happen to him. And it freaks me out. It scares me like nothing ever has before. So I retreat, back into my world where my boyfriend is just a soldier, where he looks awesome in his uniform, and everything is fine. Until that is, my next dose of reality hits.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
My New Beginning
I believe everyone deserves a new beginning in life, a fresh start, and as I write this, I am in the midst of mine.
I am sitting in my (fairly) new room, in Michigan, with my law school books spread out around me. I have been here for a month, and while I acclimated and adjusted well, I still have moments where I will look around and think, "This is my new life," and wonder how I got here. Never in a million years did I think I would go away for law school; I was never the type to just up and move away. I am still not that type. Yet, here I am, in my own apartment, going to law school, making new friends (but keeping the old), and truly being an adult. And it is everything I ever dreamed it would be (minus one thing--my boyfriend).
Yes, there is an insane amount of work to do; yes, it is extremely stressful; yes, I miss my family; yes, there are a lot of late nights and threats to drop out (my boyfriend can testify to that); and yes, sometimes I cannot fathom the thought that this will be my life for the next three years (in a bad way), but honestly, despite all of that, I love it. Ok, I do not love the amount of work (or the work itself always), but I love everything else about it.
I love class and learning about the law. I love being on my own, being fully responsible for myself. I love making new friends and hanging out with them. I love being able to go out and not having to tell anyone. I love not having to answer to anyone (except myself). I love it all. This is my new beginning.
I am sitting in my (fairly) new room, in Michigan, with my law school books spread out around me. I have been here for a month, and while I acclimated and adjusted well, I still have moments where I will look around and think, "This is my new life," and wonder how I got here. Never in a million years did I think I would go away for law school; I was never the type to just up and move away. I am still not that type. Yet, here I am, in my own apartment, going to law school, making new friends (but keeping the old), and truly being an adult. And it is everything I ever dreamed it would be (minus one thing--my boyfriend).
Yes, there is an insane amount of work to do; yes, it is extremely stressful; yes, I miss my family; yes, there are a lot of late nights and threats to drop out (my boyfriend can testify to that); and yes, sometimes I cannot fathom the thought that this will be my life for the next three years (in a bad way), but honestly, despite all of that, I love it. Ok, I do not love the amount of work (or the work itself always), but I love everything else about it.
I love class and learning about the law. I love being on my own, being fully responsible for myself. I love making new friends and hanging out with them. I love being able to go out and not having to tell anyone. I love not having to answer to anyone (except myself). I love it all. This is my new beginning.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
My Greatest Adventure (Yet)
Today will mark the beginning of my greatest adventure yet. It is the beginning of many things. I head off to law school today, but not just that; it marks the beginning of my living completely on my own, being completely independent, and being away from home for a long period of time. I will also be in a new city and state, too.
I know this is something I have always dreamed of, but I am not going to lie, I am scared. Terrified, actually. All of these firsts, and I will be completely alone. When I need family and friends with me the most, my first day of law school, I will be alone. But everyone keeps telling me that I am strong, that I can do this, that I can handle it all, and in my good moments, I believe them. In my bad moments, well, that is when I need them the most. But they are only a phone call away. Either way, this is something I need to do for myself. I need to find out if law is right for me, and I need to find out that, as terrifying as it may be, that I can do this.
So, here's to my greatest my adventure, yet.
I know this is something I have always dreamed of, but I am not going to lie, I am scared. Terrified, actually. All of these firsts, and I will be completely alone. When I need family and friends with me the most, my first day of law school, I will be alone. But everyone keeps telling me that I am strong, that I can do this, that I can handle it all, and in my good moments, I believe them. In my bad moments, well, that is when I need them the most. But they are only a phone call away. Either way, this is something I need to do for myself. I need to find out if law is right for me, and I need to find out that, as terrifying as it may be, that I can do this.
So, here's to my greatest my adventure, yet.
Friday, December 10, 2010
25 Life Lessons
Yesterday was my twenty-fifth birthday, and as I turn a quarter of century old and prepare for a huge change in my life, I cannot help but think about the life lessons that I will take with me. So, in honor of these major life events, I decided to write about these important life lessons I. I have no doubt that there is a vast amount of lessons yet to be learned, but in the meantime, here are those 25 lessons that I will be taking with me (in no particular order):
1. Be yourself. People will love/like you for who you are.
2. Have confidence and be confident. It shows.
3. Do not be afraid to love, to risk your heart and take a chance. It is one of the scariest things you will ever do, but it can end up being one of the best things ever.
4. Don't be afraid to ask questions. It is better to ask questions and get it right in the end, then to mess up because you were too afraid to ask.
5. New experiences are great, but don't forget that the ones in your past are where you learned most of your lessons.
6. The same can be said for friends. Make new friends, but don't forget the old. They helped you get to where you are today.
7. Speaking of friends... "Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support." Lean on them when you need, be there for them when they need. A true best friend is one of a kind.
8. Take care of yourself, inside and out. It is important, more so than you know.
9. Laugh. Whatever happens in life, do not forget to laugh, including at yourself. "Carry laughter with you wherever you go."
10. Do not forget what your passion is. Follow it, live it.
11. Take responsibility for your actions and words.
12. Forgiveness is not for other person, but yourself. Forgive, but you do not have to forget.
13. You are stronger than you think. Much more so.
14. Work hard. Only you can get what you want.
15. We all make mistakes, we are human. "Mistakes are part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way."
16. Trust yourself. Trust your instincts, and what you believe.
17. Enjoy the simple things in life. They are more beautiful, and most times more fleeting, than you realize.
18. Live in the here and now. The past is gone, and the future is yet to come, but now is already here.
19. Slow down long enough to notice the people and things around you.
20. Do not act like a child, but do be child-like.
21. Time does heal all wounds, so give yourself (and time), time.
22. Find something to believe in.
23. Do not take yourself too seriously. No one else does.
24. If we all threw our problems into one big pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
25. Life is what you make of it, so go out, enjoy it, and make the best of it.
1. Be yourself. People will love/like you for who you are.
2. Have confidence and be confident. It shows.
3. Do not be afraid to love, to risk your heart and take a chance. It is one of the scariest things you will ever do, but it can end up being one of the best things ever.
4. Don't be afraid to ask questions. It is better to ask questions and get it right in the end, then to mess up because you were too afraid to ask.
5. New experiences are great, but don't forget that the ones in your past are where you learned most of your lessons.
6. The same can be said for friends. Make new friends, but don't forget the old. They helped you get to where you are today.
7. Speaking of friends... "Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support." Lean on them when you need, be there for them when they need. A true best friend is one of a kind.
8. Take care of yourself, inside and out. It is important, more so than you know.
9. Laugh. Whatever happens in life, do not forget to laugh, including at yourself. "Carry laughter with you wherever you go."
10. Do not forget what your passion is. Follow it, live it.
11. Take responsibility for your actions and words.
12. Forgiveness is not for other person, but yourself. Forgive, but you do not have to forget.
13. You are stronger than you think. Much more so.
14. Work hard. Only you can get what you want.
15. We all make mistakes, we are human. "Mistakes are part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way."
16. Trust yourself. Trust your instincts, and what you believe.
17. Enjoy the simple things in life. They are more beautiful, and most times more fleeting, than you realize.
18. Live in the here and now. The past is gone, and the future is yet to come, but now is already here.
19. Slow down long enough to notice the people and things around you.
20. Do not act like a child, but do be child-like.
21. Time does heal all wounds, so give yourself (and time), time.
22. Find something to believe in.
23. Do not take yourself too seriously. No one else does.
24. If we all threw our problems into one big pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
25. Life is what you make of it, so go out, enjoy it, and make the best of it.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Looking Back
I was looking at some Facebook pictures a few weeks ago of people that I went to high school with, ones that I have not seen or talked to since we graduated six and a half years ago. In these pictures, they were drinking, doing silly things, dancing, etc. Essentially, being young adults. When I saw the pictures of them with drinks in their hands, I thought to myself, "We're not old enough to drink," forgetting that, in fact, we are.
You see, when I see people that I graduated high school with, whether in pictures or in real life, people I no longer have any contact with, I am immediately a teenager again, back in high school, with braces and bad hair, and so are they. I temporarily forget that we are all full grown adults, on our own, with jobs, significant others, and everything else that comes with being an adult. For a few seconds there, I am transported back to high school.
Once I come to my senses and realize that I am almost twenty-five years old, about to move to go to law school, and that we are all of legal drinking age, I breath a huge sigh of relief, so thankful that I am no longer in high school. I am not saying that I did not like high school; I did. I had fun. But that part of my life is over and done with. I am no longer that person. I am on a new path; I like where I am, where I am going, and I would not change it or go back for anything.
You see, when I see people that I graduated high school with, whether in pictures or in real life, people I no longer have any contact with, I am immediately a teenager again, back in high school, with braces and bad hair, and so are they. I temporarily forget that we are all full grown adults, on our own, with jobs, significant others, and everything else that comes with being an adult. For a few seconds there, I am transported back to high school.
Once I come to my senses and realize that I am almost twenty-five years old, about to move to go to law school, and that we are all of legal drinking age, I breath a huge sigh of relief, so thankful that I am no longer in high school. I am not saying that I did not like high school; I did. I had fun. But that part of my life is over and done with. I am no longer that person. I am on a new path; I like where I am, where I am going, and I would not change it or go back for anything.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
My Last Hurrah (a.k.a. Niagara Falls)
The second to last weekend in August I went to Niagara Falls, on a vacation with my best friend. We went to the Canadian side (and, according to our shuttle driver, we chose well as there is nothing on the New York side). Months ago, when we were originally discussing taking a vacation, we talked about going to Las Vegas, but we ended up in Niagara Falls because of an event that took place there that weekend.*
We had an absolute blast! We met some very awesome people, partied like it was 1999, and had a boatload of laughs. It was one of the best vacations I have ever been on. And best of all, my best friend's dream came true--she met her idol. What are the odds that in your lifetime you will get to meet yours? Yeah, exactly. Slim. But she did (and she has the picture to prove it!)! We also saw some great skateboarding tricks, awesome motocross biking, went gambling for the first time (and lost), and of course, saw the beautiful Niagara Falls.
As I begin law school in January and will probably not be going on any vacations for quite awhile, I began declaring this trip "My Last Hurrah." I figure it will be the last time for at least the next three years that I will be able to do anything like it, and I am so glad I was able to do it, and that I had such a great time. Now I can go off to law school without looking back and thinking, "I wish I had done that before I left," because I did, and I have an indefinite amount of memories to carry me through until next time.
*If you want to know what event, look here (and don't judge :-P ).
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Movin' on Up
In late December, I will be moving up. Well, moving north to be more exact, but that is up. I will moving in order to go to law school. I will be in Michigan, which is only one state away from my family, but for me, it is more than that. For me it means that not only am I finally realizing my dream of going to law school, but it also means that everything has changed, that everything is changing. And while change is good (for the most part, I believe), it is also scary, and for me, this is very scary.
Believe it or not, I have never lived away from home. In fact, I have never been away from home for more than two weeks. I never went away to school or dormed while in college. I stayed put, mostly out of necessity. Financially, it was out of the question. While I could have gotten loans for it, I did not want to do that. I was already going to have loans from college as it was, plus the loans that I would have for law school and living expenses while there, so taking out more loans just to live on campus or near it did not make sense; it was not practical. So I stayed home. Now, though, moving is a necessity. If I want to go to law school (and I do), I have to go to Michigan. I have no choice. You see, the school where I am going is the only school that accepted me. I do not have a choice of which school to attend, because, trust me, if I did, I would chose to stay home as it is financially more feasible. So I am moving, and for the first time in my life, I will not live at home.
Not only will I not be living at home, but I will be completely on my own in every way possible. Yes, I am a very independent person, pay for just about everything myself, and can take care of myself, but like I said, I have always been at home. There has always been someone there (sometimes to my annoyance). Once I move though, there will be no one, except for maybe a roommate, but that will not be the same. I will not have any family or friends there. I will have no support system there; they will be one state away. I will be totally alone. Yes, I am sure I will make some friends, but it will still not be the same. My home, family, and friends will not be there. I will be on my own.
I am excited and scared at the same time. My life as I know it will be changed forever. There are times when I stop whatever I am doing and just think, "Oh my G-d. I am moving," almost as if it has just hit me (at the rate I am going though, it has hit me about twenty times already). But then there are times where I think, "I'm moving,"as if it as natural as breathing. For me though, just the word "moving" has so much connotation because it means so much change. I have about five months before I have to go, and from now until then I have no doubt that my thoughts will be all over the place, including continuing to alternate between "Oh my G-d, I'm moving" and "I'm moving." In the meantime though, there are things to do, decisions to be made, and plans to make before I can move on up and start my new adventure.
Believe it or not, I have never lived away from home. In fact, I have never been away from home for more than two weeks. I never went away to school or dormed while in college. I stayed put, mostly out of necessity. Financially, it was out of the question. While I could have gotten loans for it, I did not want to do that. I was already going to have loans from college as it was, plus the loans that I would have for law school and living expenses while there, so taking out more loans just to live on campus or near it did not make sense; it was not practical. So I stayed home. Now, though, moving is a necessity. If I want to go to law school (and I do), I have to go to Michigan. I have no choice. You see, the school where I am going is the only school that accepted me. I do not have a choice of which school to attend, because, trust me, if I did, I would chose to stay home as it is financially more feasible. So I am moving, and for the first time in my life, I will not live at home.
Not only will I not be living at home, but I will be completely on my own in every way possible. Yes, I am a very independent person, pay for just about everything myself, and can take care of myself, but like I said, I have always been at home. There has always been someone there (sometimes to my annoyance). Once I move though, there will be no one, except for maybe a roommate, but that will not be the same. I will not have any family or friends there. I will have no support system there; they will be one state away. I will be totally alone. Yes, I am sure I will make some friends, but it will still not be the same. My home, family, and friends will not be there. I will be on my own.
I am excited and scared at the same time. My life as I know it will be changed forever. There are times when I stop whatever I am doing and just think, "Oh my G-d. I am moving," almost as if it has just hit me (at the rate I am going though, it has hit me about twenty times already). But then there are times where I think, "I'm moving,"as if it as natural as breathing. For me though, just the word "moving" has so much connotation because it means so much change. I have about five months before I have to go, and from now until then I have no doubt that my thoughts will be all over the place, including continuing to alternate between "Oh my G-d, I'm moving" and "I'm moving." In the meantime though, there are things to do, decisions to be made, and plans to make before I can move on up and start my new adventure.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Accepted!
In this post, I talked about taking my life in a new direction, finding a new path, a new passion, and a new career. And I was fine with it, remember? However, I am extremely happy to say that I no longer have to consider doing that. You see, I GOT INTO LAW SCHOOL! Yes, that's right. I'm in!
After that last post, I received a message from a friend who told me not to give up on my dream, that there is a way to get what I want. Feeling greatly encouraged, I decided to apply to that last law school. I figured, "What the hell? The worst they can do is say no," and I had already received enough "no's" that one more would not make a difference. Three weeks later, I received a large manila envelope in the mail from the school, and as soon as I saw the large envelope, I knew-- I was in!
So now I get to spend the next six months preparing to start law school and move to a new city and state. There is quite a lot to do; I do not think I have even wrapped my head around the whole thing yet. There are times where I will just stop and think, "I'm moving to Michigan." I am leaving everything I have ever known, family, friends, job, familiarity, to do this. But if this is what I have to do in order to achieve my dream, so be it. Though life as I know it will never be the same.
*More to come later on law school, I just wanted to let everyone know the happy news.
After that last post, I received a message from a friend who told me not to give up on my dream, that there is a way to get what I want. Feeling greatly encouraged, I decided to apply to that last law school. I figured, "What the hell? The worst they can do is say no," and I had already received enough "no's" that one more would not make a difference. Three weeks later, I received a large manila envelope in the mail from the school, and as soon as I saw the large envelope, I knew-- I was in!
So now I get to spend the next six months preparing to start law school and move to a new city and state. There is quite a lot to do; I do not think I have even wrapped my head around the whole thing yet. There are times where I will just stop and think, "I'm moving to Michigan." I am leaving everything I have ever known, family, friends, job, familiarity, to do this. But if this is what I have to do in order to achieve my dream, so be it. Though life as I know it will never be the same.
*More to come later on law school, I just wanted to let everyone know the happy news.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
My Bad Habit
Admit it: You have a bad habit. We all do. In fact, some of us probably have more than one. And that is fine. It is human nature to have a bad habit or two. Some people crack their knuckles, some chew on ice, some play with or chew their hair, and some bite their nails, like me. Granted, that list is not all-inclusive, but I think you get the idea. We all have bad habits.
As I just mentioned above, I bite my nails, and pick at my toenails at times (it is actually called onychophagia). I have ever since I can remember. There is even a picture of me when I was about nine months old lying on the changing table, with my foot in my mouth, attempting to chew on one of my toenails. Needless to say, I started early. Now, twenty-fours years later, I am still doing it, though sometimes I do not even realize I am doing it. I am no longer lying on a changing table, nor do I stick my feet in my mouth, but I still bite and pick my nails. It drives me absolutely bananas. And it really pisses me off.
I hate looking at my nails, seeing the little nubs of my fingers, with the even smaller nubs of my finger nails. (OK, that is not true. My nails are not that short, but they are not long and beautiful either.) Over the past ten years I have tried everything, really, everything, to stop biting my nails. You name it, I have (in all probability) tried it. Nothing has worked. Or maybe it worked temporarily, but in the end, I always go back to the tried and true--biting my nails.
I have read quite a bit on this over the years, and everything I have read so far says that nail biting is a reaction to stress, anxiety, excitement, boredom, inactivity, even hunger, and can be a learned behavior from family members. It is also very common (which really does not make me feel any better about it). Over the years, I have also discovered why I bite my nails. I bite due to all the reasons I just mentioned (except for hungry and learned behavior). If I am stressed or anxious, I bite. If I am sitting idly, doing nothing, I bite. If I am watching TV or relaxing, I bite. I bite. Apparently, I do not need a reason. What I have realized though, is that the reason I bite when I am not stressed or anxious, just bored, watching TV, or relaxing, is that I need something to do with my hands. They have to be kept busy. For me, that is the hardest part of not biting my nails. I can resist the urge to bite, I can stop myself if I realize I am doing it, but if I am sitting doing nothing, and my hands are free, I find it very hard to give my hands something to do to keep them occupied.
The last five to six months have been my best, though. I really stuck to it. Granted, I spent quite a bit of money on manicures, but they really helped. I did not bite my nails. Ok, maybe I picked at them, but it was much easier to stop when I saw a manicure on them (or to begin picking at the manicure instead--whatever works, right?). It was also much easier to stop once I actually saw that I had nails. Seeing the actual, real nails on my hands and fingers went a long way for me. Why? Simple really: Because I saw that I had nails, that I could, in fact, grow and have (semi) beautiful nails. I saw the results of not biting them, and I loved it. Not only that, but I was able to use my nails. I absolutely loved it.
I worked very hard at maintaining those nails. I got manicures, gave myself manicures, I made myself stop biting them, resisted the urges I had to do so, and continued to grow nails. And I did it. No, it was not perfect, and yes, I will admit that I did bite some off at times (especially the weaker ones which are so much easier to pick off and therefore so much harder to resist), but I did it. I had nails.
Then, there was a stressor. And off they came. That was about three weeks ago now. You would think that since then I have started to grow my nails again, right? Wrong. Now that they are gone, it is much easier to just continue picking and biting them off. I have nothing to look at, to see what it would look like if I let them grow. All I have are stubs, and the memory of what they used to look like. But I cannot go on a memory. It is very difficult to do this based only on a memory. I need to see it in front of me. I need proof. I need a nail, preferably three or four, to see that I can do it. But I know I can do this. I know. I have done it before, I can do it again. But I just need that one nail, that one starting point, yet I know I will never get it if I keep on picking and biting at what I have left.
As I just mentioned above, I bite my nails, and pick at my toenails at times (it is actually called onychophagia). I have ever since I can remember. There is even a picture of me when I was about nine months old lying on the changing table, with my foot in my mouth, attempting to chew on one of my toenails. Needless to say, I started early. Now, twenty-fours years later, I am still doing it, though sometimes I do not even realize I am doing it. I am no longer lying on a changing table, nor do I stick my feet in my mouth, but I still bite and pick my nails. It drives me absolutely bananas. And it really pisses me off.
I hate looking at my nails, seeing the little nubs of my fingers, with the even smaller nubs of my finger nails. (OK, that is not true. My nails are not that short, but they are not long and beautiful either.) Over the past ten years I have tried everything, really, everything, to stop biting my nails. You name it, I have (in all probability) tried it. Nothing has worked. Or maybe it worked temporarily, but in the end, I always go back to the tried and true--biting my nails.
I have read quite a bit on this over the years, and everything I have read so far says that nail biting is a reaction to stress, anxiety, excitement, boredom, inactivity, even hunger, and can be a learned behavior from family members. It is also very common (which really does not make me feel any better about it). Over the years, I have also discovered why I bite my nails. I bite due to all the reasons I just mentioned (except for hungry and learned behavior). If I am stressed or anxious, I bite. If I am sitting idly, doing nothing, I bite. If I am watching TV or relaxing, I bite. I bite. Apparently, I do not need a reason. What I have realized though, is that the reason I bite when I am not stressed or anxious, just bored, watching TV, or relaxing, is that I need something to do with my hands. They have to be kept busy. For me, that is the hardest part of not biting my nails. I can resist the urge to bite, I can stop myself if I realize I am doing it, but if I am sitting doing nothing, and my hands are free, I find it very hard to give my hands something to do to keep them occupied.
The last five to six months have been my best, though. I really stuck to it. Granted, I spent quite a bit of money on manicures, but they really helped. I did not bite my nails. Ok, maybe I picked at them, but it was much easier to stop when I saw a manicure on them (or to begin picking at the manicure instead--whatever works, right?). It was also much easier to stop once I actually saw that I had nails. Seeing the actual, real nails on my hands and fingers went a long way for me. Why? Simple really: Because I saw that I had nails, that I could, in fact, grow and have (semi) beautiful nails. I saw the results of not biting them, and I loved it. Not only that, but I was able to use my nails. I absolutely loved it.
I worked very hard at maintaining those nails. I got manicures, gave myself manicures, I made myself stop biting them, resisted the urges I had to do so, and continued to grow nails. And I did it. No, it was not perfect, and yes, I will admit that I did bite some off at times (especially the weaker ones which are so much easier to pick off and therefore so much harder to resist), but I did it. I had nails.
Then, there was a stressor. And off they came. That was about three weeks ago now. You would think that since then I have started to grow my nails again, right? Wrong. Now that they are gone, it is much easier to just continue picking and biting them off. I have nothing to look at, to see what it would look like if I let them grow. All I have are stubs, and the memory of what they used to look like. But I cannot go on a memory. It is very difficult to do this based only on a memory. I need to see it in front of me. I need proof. I need a nail, preferably three or four, to see that I can do it. But I know I can do this. I know. I have done it before, I can do it again. But I just need that one nail, that one starting point, yet I know I will never get it if I keep on picking and biting at what I have left.
Monday, March 22, 2010
What Are You Up To These Days?
Maybe it is just me, but I feel as if I have been asked that question a lot lately. For some odd reason, I seem to be running into people who have the need to know this about me, and I hate answering. Not because I am ashamed that I do not have a job or that I am not in school, but because I know what most of them are probably thinking, or going to think when they hear it. They are going to judge me in some way, shape, or form, and I hate that. Yes, I do have a few part-time jobs, and I do all the errands for my mom, and believe it or not, I am happy and love where I am at in my life, but I also know people will still think of the fact that I do not have a full-time job or are in school. In other words, I am not doing anything productive or worthwhile.
Honestly, I do not care what they think or if they judge me, but at the same time, I do not want to sound like I am not being productive, like I do nothing. So, in order to sound like I actually have goals and do not want to be a bum, I tell them (after telling them that I am not really doing much of anything) that I am in the middle of applying to law schools. And their responses go from glum to peppy: "Oh" to "OH!" Then of course, that opens a whole new door that I would really prefer not to walk into, but have to since I opened it. I now have to answer all their questions about that. Where I am applying to, what kind of law, have I taken the LSATs yet, etc, etc. Thankfully, the conversation wanes after that and we are both off to continue whatever we were doing.
I may not really be up to anything or doing anything these days, and quite frankly, I love it and am happy. So judge me all you want and think whatever you want. I may hate it, but I do not really care. I do not have to answer or explain my self to anyone. I will keep doing what I am doing, and hopefully, next time I run into you, it will be when I am lawyer. In fact, next time, it might be across of a courtroom.
Honestly, I do not care what they think or if they judge me, but at the same time, I do not want to sound like I am not being productive, like I do nothing. So, in order to sound like I actually have goals and do not want to be a bum, I tell them (after telling them that I am not really doing much of anything) that I am in the middle of applying to law schools. And their responses go from glum to peppy: "Oh" to "OH!" Then of course, that opens a whole new door that I would really prefer not to walk into, but have to since I opened it. I now have to answer all their questions about that. Where I am applying to, what kind of law, have I taken the LSATs yet, etc, etc. Thankfully, the conversation wanes after that and we are both off to continue whatever we were doing.
I may not really be up to anything or doing anything these days, and quite frankly, I love it and am happy. So judge me all you want and think whatever you want. I may hate it, but I do not really care. I do not have to answer or explain my self to anyone. I will keep doing what I am doing, and hopefully, next time I run into you, it will be when I am lawyer. In fact, next time, it might be across of a courtroom.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Trusting Myself
- When I'm trusting and being myself... everything in my life reflects this by falling into place easily, often miraculously. -Shatki Gawain
- I learned you have to trust yourself, be what you are, and do what you ought to do the way you should do it. You have got to discover you, what you do, and trust it. -Barbra Streisand
I have always trusted myself and trusted my gut. I learned to do that a long time ago. But over the last few months I admit that I had a hard time doing so. It was not that I did not know what my gut was telling me, what I knew to be right, but I hard time doing it. I was torn, about everything, being pulled in all sorts of directions, one part of myself telling me one thing while another part told me something else. But inside, somewhere, I knew all the right answers, I knew what had to be done, in every aspect of my life that I was unsure about. It was just trusting myself that I could do it, and that I was doing what was right, that was difficult for me.
But I did it, all of it. I trusted myself, and everything turned out well. Better than I anticipated, actually. Knowing that I was making the right choices helped tremendously, even if they were hard decisions to make. I learned to trust myself again by being honest with myself about everything--what I was truly feeling, what I truly wanted, and what I knew to be right. Things are finally back on track in my life, and that is because I trusted myself.
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Let's Play A Game
A blogger friend of mine recently wrote a post about how women think, as in how they operate in a relationship. In it, she describes a typical scenario of a woman asking her man if she looks fat in a dress, and of course, the man giving the "wrong" answer. The scenario might have been exaggerated a bit, but the point definitely came across. As I read the blog, commented, and read the follow up comments, I was thinking about relationships and the mind games both sides play while in one.
Games are all about testing each other. I read an article* recently about the mind games women play. In it, the author (a man) states, "So why do women indulge in these silly mind games? Well, for one thing, they're women. And women think and react with their emotions -- at least more than men do, in general. But it's really about testing us. And tests are ultimately all about control of the relationship." Yes, we are women (thanks for pointing that out); yes, women are mostly guided by their emotions and definitely more so than men are; and yes, we do play mind games to test men. However, it is not done out of a desire for control.**
For women, it is about testing the strength of the relationship. IF a woman does something like that, it is because she wants her man to know, without her having to tell him, certain things. It is done out of desire to know whether or not our man truly knows us, whether he understand us on a deeper level. For women, it shows that he pays attention, that he cares, and like I said, that he understands his woman as an individual. And we want them to know this without having to tell them, because, well, if he truly knows, then we would not have to tell him, right?
WRONG. As a woman who was recently in a two year relationship, I tried not do that to my ex very much (at least I hope not, though he can attest to that, but I did try not to), there were certain times I did hint at things and see if he caught on. But I quickly learned that men are not mind readers, and, as much as we would like them to be, they only know as much as we tell them. And no, most men cannot read between the lines when women speak. If you want him to know something, you have to tell him. Sometimes repeatedly. (Men, take note: Having us repeat something to you more than two or three times will piss us off.)
Relationships are complicated enough. Do not make them more complicated by expecting men to just know things and read between the lines. Communication is key to a successful, healthy, and happy relationship, especially honest and effective communication, and like I said, expecting people to be mind readers is not going to help. If there was one thing I learned in my relationship, it was that.
*For those that read the article, please note that the author is not quite correct in all his statements. Some are overly exaggerated, and others are just wrong, though some are correct. (He really should have consulted some women on this before writing.)
**Please also note that I do not speak for all women. These are my feelings and thoughts, and though I do think that some, if not most, women would agree, I do not assume that all women are like this and feel this way.
Games are all about testing each other. I read an article* recently about the mind games women play. In it, the author (a man) states, "So why do women indulge in these silly mind games? Well, for one thing, they're women. And women think and react with their emotions -- at least more than men do, in general. But it's really about testing us. And tests are ultimately all about control of the relationship." Yes, we are women (thanks for pointing that out); yes, women are mostly guided by their emotions and definitely more so than men are; and yes, we do play mind games to test men. However, it is not done out of a desire for control.**
For women, it is about testing the strength of the relationship. IF a woman does something like that, it is because she wants her man to know, without her having to tell him, certain things. It is done out of desire to know whether or not our man truly knows us, whether he understand us on a deeper level. For women, it shows that he pays attention, that he cares, and like I said, that he understands his woman as an individual. And we want them to know this without having to tell them, because, well, if he truly knows, then we would not have to tell him, right?
WRONG. As a woman who was recently in a two year relationship, I tried not do that to my ex very much (at least I hope not, though he can attest to that, but I did try not to), there were certain times I did hint at things and see if he caught on. But I quickly learned that men are not mind readers, and, as much as we would like them to be, they only know as much as we tell them. And no, most men cannot read between the lines when women speak. If you want him to know something, you have to tell him. Sometimes repeatedly. (Men, take note: Having us repeat something to you more than two or three times will piss us off.)
Relationships are complicated enough. Do not make them more complicated by expecting men to just know things and read between the lines. Communication is key to a successful, healthy, and happy relationship, especially honest and effective communication, and like I said, expecting people to be mind readers is not going to help. If there was one thing I learned in my relationship, it was that.
*For those that read the article, please note that the author is not quite correct in all his statements. Some are overly exaggerated, and others are just wrong, though some are correct. (He really should have consulted some women on this before writing.)
**Please also note that I do not speak for all women. These are my feelings and thoughts, and though I do think that some, if not most, women would agree, I do not assume that all women are like this and feel this way.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
We Remember
We forget half of what they teach us in school, but we remember plenty of other things. We remember faces, and names. We remember locker numbers and combination codes. We remember ugly wall colors, narrow stairwells, and too crowded halls. We remember smiles and laughter, sneers and tears. We remember free periods and lunches. We remember ditch days and sick days. We remember.
School is not just about learning and educating. It is about the friends we make, the ones we don't, and what we do not learn in books and never will. It is about what we come away with at the end of it all, the person we become, the person we are meant to become. It is about memories that we will carry forever, good and bad. We may not remember everything we are taught, but we remember.
School is not just about learning and educating. It is about the friends we make, the ones we don't, and what we do not learn in books and never will. It is about what we come away with at the end of it all, the person we become, the person we are meant to become. It is about memories that we will carry forever, good and bad. We may not remember everything we are taught, but we remember.
Friday, September 11, 2009
The Princess and the Pee Test
WARNING: This post will discuss women's issues, so if any of you readers do not want to read, do not look any further. However, if you do, don't say you weren't warned.
This last week had many firsts for me: my first flat tire, the first time my car started smoking, the first time I made meatballs (301, yeah baby!), and the first time I ever took a pregnancy test. Yep, you read it correctly. Pregnancy test. Let me just tell all of you now what I am sure you are dying to know: No, I am not pregnant. Now, care to hear how this came about? Well, good, because I'm ready to tell. And no worries; I won't get too personal. Even I have my limits.
Last week I started to have some issues, ahem, women's issues. They went away for the weekend, then came back. While I was considering calling my doctor the week before, I was saved from that when the problem went away over the long weekend. However, just my luck, it's back again on Tuesday. It was too late to call my doctor on Tuesday when I discovered this, so I called Wednesday morning. I ended up speaking to the nurse. Why? My doctor is on maternity leave until the beginning of November. Ironic, huh? Anyway, after asking me a bunch of questions the nurse then asks, "Can you take a pregnancy test now?"
Uhhhhhh....Huh.......WHAT? After a brief pause of a few seconds I say that I could, thinking how I am going to handle this. You see, it was 9:15AM then. I had to be at my aunt's house at 10AM to help her cook for the upcoming Jewish holiday, and now I had to go out to Target to get the pregnancy test, come home, take it, wait for the results, call the doctor back, and then go to my aunt's. I had 45 minutes. I ran to Target, got two double boxes (so I had four tests), paid (not by the pharmacy though because they know me there; another disaster I did not need then), ran home, took two tests, and waited. And waited. And waited. After five minutes, there was nothing on the tests. No results. The tests remained blank. Ugh, great. Just great. What did I do wrong?
By that time it was 9:50AM. I still had to finish getting ready to leave. So I do, and at about 10AM fly out of m house and go to my aunt's. I park a few houses away from my aunt's (just in case she sees me), and call the nurse. I told her what happened, and after a few more questions, she tells me to take the other two tests the next morning. So I am sitting there thinking, "Tomorrow morning? You want me to wait even longer?" But I say okay as she is the nurse and knows better than I do. I pull my car up to my aunt's house, and get out. I then proceed with my day, which basically consisted of cutting seven onions, crying like a baby because of them, rolling 301 meatballs, doing a few errands, and meeting a drummer later that night.
I was kept busy most of the day, thankfully. But occasionally throughout the day my thoughts would drift back to the pregnancy test and whether it was possible I could be pregnant. Of course, that is when I got into trouble. Thinking. It can be a very dangerous thing. And that day, for me, it was. I started thinking, "Well, maybe. I mean, there is always the possibility. But no. I'm careful. Extremely careful. So no way. But..." And my thoughts would go on like that for the day. Yeah, not fun.
The next morning I woke up at 8:30Am and the first thing I did was take the last two pregnancy tests. Nice way to greet the day. I must have done something right that time because both turned up negative within a minute of taking them. Relieved (even though I was 99% sure I was not pregnant), but still somewhat concerned because I still had the initial problem, I went back to sleep for a few hours. When I awoke again I called the nurse and told her. And that was that. If my problem persists, I have to call back on Monday.
When the nurse first suggested a pregnancy test, I immediately thought (after brief shock) that there is no way I could be pregnant. Absolutely NO WAY. Yes, I will admit it. I am not a virgin. But I am extremely careful. So there was no way that I could be. Nuh-uh. Not me. Plus, it did not make sense, physically. It just didn't. But I was not very scared. Sure, there was some fear, but for the most part, I was really fine with it. I was calm. I wish I knew what made me so calm, but I do not. All I know is that if it had turned out that I was pregnant, I was actually happy about it. But maybe that's something I can explore in a later post. (Or maybe I should just put that aside in general and not explore it at all....)
Anyway, that was my experience in taking my first pregnancy tests. Not exactly how I pictured it, but hey, life does not always turn out the way you like. I can say though, that the next time I take a test, I will be married (and hopefully this part will have planned).
Before I go, I would like to my best friend, Abby, for suggesting the title. Thanks, girl! :D
(For those of you who are ready to comment on how I should wait to have sex, be celibate, etc., please do not. I did not post this to be lectured; I hate that. So, again, I ask you to not post a lecture about abstinence, celibacy, or even my being a slut (if that's what you think, which I am NOT, thankyouverymuch)).
This last week had many firsts for me: my first flat tire, the first time my car started smoking, the first time I made meatballs (301, yeah baby!), and the first time I ever took a pregnancy test. Yep, you read it correctly. Pregnancy test. Let me just tell all of you now what I am sure you are dying to know: No, I am not pregnant. Now, care to hear how this came about? Well, good, because I'm ready to tell. And no worries; I won't get too personal. Even I have my limits.
Last week I started to have some issues, ahem, women's issues. They went away for the weekend, then came back. While I was considering calling my doctor the week before, I was saved from that when the problem went away over the long weekend. However, just my luck, it's back again on Tuesday. It was too late to call my doctor on Tuesday when I discovered this, so I called Wednesday morning. I ended up speaking to the nurse. Why? My doctor is on maternity leave until the beginning of November. Ironic, huh? Anyway, after asking me a bunch of questions the nurse then asks, "Can you take a pregnancy test now?"
Uhhhhhh....Huh.......WHAT? After a brief pause of a few seconds I say that I could, thinking how I am going to handle this. You see, it was 9:15AM then. I had to be at my aunt's house at 10AM to help her cook for the upcoming Jewish holiday, and now I had to go out to Target to get the pregnancy test, come home, take it, wait for the results, call the doctor back, and then go to my aunt's. I had 45 minutes. I ran to Target, got two double boxes (so I had four tests), paid (not by the pharmacy though because they know me there; another disaster I did not need then), ran home, took two tests, and waited. And waited. And waited. After five minutes, there was nothing on the tests. No results. The tests remained blank. Ugh, great. Just great. What did I do wrong?
By that time it was 9:50AM. I still had to finish getting ready to leave. So I do, and at about 10AM fly out of m house and go to my aunt's. I park a few houses away from my aunt's (just in case she sees me), and call the nurse. I told her what happened, and after a few more questions, she tells me to take the other two tests the next morning. So I am sitting there thinking, "Tomorrow morning? You want me to wait even longer?" But I say okay as she is the nurse and knows better than I do. I pull my car up to my aunt's house, and get out. I then proceed with my day, which basically consisted of cutting seven onions, crying like a baby because of them, rolling 301 meatballs, doing a few errands, and meeting a drummer later that night.
I was kept busy most of the day, thankfully. But occasionally throughout the day my thoughts would drift back to the pregnancy test and whether it was possible I could be pregnant. Of course, that is when I got into trouble. Thinking. It can be a very dangerous thing. And that day, for me, it was. I started thinking, "Well, maybe. I mean, there is always the possibility. But no. I'm careful. Extremely careful. So no way. But..." And my thoughts would go on like that for the day. Yeah, not fun.
The next morning I woke up at 8:30Am and the first thing I did was take the last two pregnancy tests. Nice way to greet the day. I must have done something right that time because both turned up negative within a minute of taking them. Relieved (even though I was 99% sure I was not pregnant), but still somewhat concerned because I still had the initial problem, I went back to sleep for a few hours. When I awoke again I called the nurse and told her. And that was that. If my problem persists, I have to call back on Monday.
When the nurse first suggested a pregnancy test, I immediately thought (after brief shock) that there is no way I could be pregnant. Absolutely NO WAY. Yes, I will admit it. I am not a virgin. But I am extremely careful. So there was no way that I could be. Nuh-uh. Not me. Plus, it did not make sense, physically. It just didn't. But I was not very scared. Sure, there was some fear, but for the most part, I was really fine with it. I was calm. I wish I knew what made me so calm, but I do not. All I know is that if it had turned out that I was pregnant, I was actually happy about it. But maybe that's something I can explore in a later post. (Or maybe I should just put that aside in general and not explore it at all....)
Anyway, that was my experience in taking my first pregnancy tests. Not exactly how I pictured it, but hey, life does not always turn out the way you like. I can say though, that the next time I take a test, I will be married (and hopefully this part will have planned).
Before I go, I would like to my best friend, Abby, for suggesting the title. Thanks, girl! :D
(For those of you who are ready to comment on how I should wait to have sex, be celibate, etc., please do not. I did not post this to be lectured; I hate that. So, again, I ask you to not post a lecture about abstinence, celibacy, or even my being a slut (if that's what you think, which I am NOT, thankyouverymuch)).
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