A Dose of Reality

I am not really one to run from reality. I threaten to run, and often times do my best to avoid it, but I eventually face it, and of my own volition. But there are certain things I actually do run from and do my damn best to avoid. The list is short though. These days there is really only one thing I refuse to confront--my boyfriend being in the Israeli army. I absolutely refuse to think about it, refuse to think about what it truly means and what the potential consequences are. 

Then there are nights like tonight, where something happens, some awful news about someone you know (maybe not personally, but you know the person all the same or you have some connection to him/her), and I am forced to confront it, forced to think about it. 

Tonight I heard that someone's brother was killed while serving in the Israeli Defense Force. It's horrible, extremely saddening, and terrifying. This was my dose of reality. I feel for his family, I truly do. But as sad and awful as it is, I could not help but think of my boyfriend, who recently joined the IDF. It made me think of things that I greatly prefer not thinking about. I have no problem thinking of him as a soldier, in the Israeli army. My problem is thinking about what that truly means, what the consequences really are. It made me realize, yet again, that this could, in reality, happen to him. And it freaks me out. It scares me like nothing ever has before. So I retreat, back into my world where my boyfriend is just a soldier, where he looks awesome in his uniform, and everything is fine. Until that is, my next dose of reality hits. 

The Witching Hour

Many people, usually mothers, commonly refer to their most challenging time of day as "The Witching Hour." It is that time of day (or night) when everything is chaotic, the kids are not cooperating, and nothing seems to be going right. Lately, I have been referring to a certain time of night as my "witching hour." It is that time of night when I start to breakdown, slowly losing my resolve and my optimism.

The time it begins usually varies, but I can always feel it creeping it up on me between 7PM and 8PM, and then the later it gets, the stronger it gets, until I give in. I just break. I have a mini (or full blown) meltdown, like the one I had a few posts ago. Some nights are better than others. Some nights it does not hit me as hard, and some nights it is more of a punch than a hit, as you have seen. It is on those nights that I question whether or not I can survive this, and it is on those nights that I know I cannot.

I try to distract myself, and it usually works, at least for awhile. It helps if I have something to do, like reading and briefing cases, or watching shows online or on TV, or talking to my friend or my mom. Sometimes, when I feel it coming and coming strong, I purposely bury those feelings and thoughts and force myself to concentrate on whatever it is that I am doing. But other times, no matter what I do, nothing works.

I have come to realize that the way I feel at night, the questioning and doubting, is just an exaggeration of the way I occasionally feel during the day. During the day I feel more positive; I am more positive. It is then that I think, "OK, three years is not a big deal. It'll fly by. I can do this," and I believe it. But then night comes, and I start doubting myself, and the later it gets, the less doubt I have that I can do it and the more conviction I have that I cannot do it. I think that deep down, even when I am optimistic, I know that I will struggle greatly to get through this and that it will be extremely difficult for me, but at the same time, I also know I do not have another choice.

Surviving

I honestly have no idea how I am going to survive the next year to year and a half. My boyfriend joined the army today. He is officially an Israeli soldier, and tomorrow (well, today actually), he signs a contract for service for fourteen months, with the possibility of extending it to eighteen months. Eighteen months. A year and a half of rarely seeing him, not talking to him often, of worrying about him. A year and a half of just not having him with me, of not being together. I do not know how I am going to survive it.

As if that is not enough, he might be there for three years, if he gets into the program that he wants. I will barely survive the fourteen to eighteen months that he will definitely be there for, but three years? There is no way I can do that, and I am not just saying that because of the way I feel now. I have been thinking about this for months now, trying to convince myself that I can handle a year and a half, that I can even handle three years, but deep down, I know that is not true. Like I said, I know I will be able to the eighteen months, it will be hard and long, and I will barely get through it, but I can do it. However, I know I cannot do the three years. It is just one of those instinctual, gut feelings, of something that you just know.

I feel horrible, hypocritical, and selfish for feeling like this, for having to tell him this, I cannot help it. One or both of us needs to come up with a better way to make this work, in a way where we both get to pursue our dreams and be together at the same time. In a way where I am not miserable every night and crying myself to sleep. I am sure there is a way. There has to be a way. We just have not found it yet.

Granted, I could always move and go to law school there, but as I have said before in other posts, not only is that not my law school dream, I would be alone in a strange city with barely any friends and family, where I am no longer familiar with the language, and I would be in school in a foreign country. Law school here is hard enough, doing it in a foreign country would be even harder. Plus, I would only see him once every three weekends.

I do not want him to give up his dream for me, nor would I ever ask him to do that, and he would never ask that of me. At the same time though, right now I feel like the only way this will work is if one of us puts our dream on hold in order to be together, but I do not want either one of us to do that. Yet, there must be a way. There has to be a way in which we can be together and achieve our dreams. In the meantime, I just have to survive.

Already Written

Everything I want to write about at this moment has already been written--by me. There is nothing new here, though now it is a year and a half later and I feel exactly the same way again. Torn, sad, broken and brokenhearted, wondering if I am making the right decision in not going with him, not being sure I can handle this, wondering if I will survive it, and so many other emotions. And I know this is hard for him as well.

My boyfriend left to return to Israel two days ago. He was here for two months, even though he was only supposed to be here for two weeks. I wish he could have stayed longer, much longer (forever, really), but since I know that is not possible, I will take whatever I can get. I am so happy and grateful that we did have the time together though, short as it was, and would not trade it for anything.

Sending him off and saying goodbye does not get any easier, no matter how many times I do it. In fact, I would say that this time was the most difficult, but I am not sure why. Maybe because we just got back together, or because he goes into the army at the end of January, or because I know I will not see him for at least another year. Mostly, it is because I love him more than I can put into words and want to be with him, though the other three definitely do not help. All I know is that leaving him at the airport yesterday was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

Coming to America

In October, my ex is coming back for a month-long visit, and for a friend's wedding. By then, it will have been almost a year and half since he has left, and almost a year since I will have seen him. I am excited, very excited to see him, for while he may not be my boyfriend anymore, I still consider him a very good friend, and it will be great to see my friend.

But I am scared as well. I am scared that everything that I have worked on for months, healing, getting over, and moving on will be gone the instant I see him. And I do not want that. I do not need to be confronted with feelings and emotions so strong that I do not know what to do with them, things I know I can do nothing about. Not to mention I do not want to do that to him, either. But it is going to be hard.

Truth be told though, these feelings have already come up and I have to be honest with myself. I thought I was doing fine, but in the last weeks, I realized I am still in love with him, which really sucks for me since I seem to be the only one. He is seeing someone else now, and I am doing my damn best to move on. But it is hard, and it hurts. Sometimes, I wish I could hate him, or I wish that the relationship ended badly so I would be able to get over it more quickly, more easily. That is not the case though, and honestly, though I may say I wish it were, I do not want that because then we would never be friends, and that I definitely do not want. I am just not sure I can be friends with him right now. It may have worked and been okay for the last five months since we broke up, but I am not sure I can handle it right now. Also, since I am going to see him in four months, it is best that I am past all of this by then as I greatly value our friendship and would not want anything to change it. 

Sometimes, I think it would be easier to deal with all of this if I had someone else, if I was dating another man. Then, I would have him, someone else I am into, focused on, enamored with, and my ex will be just that, my ex. But then I wonder if even having another man will help. I mean, my ex was a huge part of my life, and I loved him. I still do. I always will, and that makes me wonder if I will ever truly be over him. But life goes on, and so will I.


(I know he occasionally reads my blog, so if you are reading this, I am sorry. I do not mean to make this hard for you or to put you in a difficult position; that is the last thing I want, but this is my blog, and I need to say this for me. I hope it doesn't make things weird between us, though.)

The Impasse

I know I have written about it before, and have gone back and forth on the issue, but this is something I have been very torn about from day one. Even now, after breaking up, I still think about, I still consider it. I think about leaving, moving to Israel. Forever. I think about giving up everything here and leaving it all behind. When the pain is sharp, and very present, I think I can do it. I mean really, truly do it. I think about living there, being with him, and I know that I if I do decide to do it, that I will be happy. I have no doubt about that. The idea of picking up my life, giving up what I have and want, seems like a small price to pay, because everything I want is 8,000 miles away.

But then, the pain fades, and I am no longer sure I can do it forever. Yes, I can do it for a few years, knowing that I, we, would be coming back. But knowing that I would be there forever, well, I am not sure I can do that. Maybe I am not strong enough or courageous enough, to pick up and leave my life, family, and friends, and everything I have ever dreamed about behind. I just do not have it in me to something so extreme, so life changing. At the same time though, I would be living another dream of mine. The one where he is in it. Yes, it would be leaving one dream behind to fulfill another, but it would still be leaving one of my dreams behind. And I ask myself, can I really do that to myself? Can I leave a part of myself, part of my dreams, behind to follow?

As soon as I ask myself that question, I know the answer. No, I cannot. Not only am I still trying to live out one of my dreams, but giving that part of myself up would not do anyone any good. Yes, I would be happy, but there would also be a part of me that would not be, the part of me that would be saying "what if?" That would not be fair to anyone, at all. So, as much as I do want to go there, I know that it would not be making the right decision. At least not right now. But who knows what the future holds. I just know, that right now, at this time in my life, it is not the right decision for me, and that making a decision like that, when I feel the way I do, is not a good idea. I need to heal, but more importantly, I need to follow my dreams first, just the way he is following his.

The Hardest Thing

"Never be sad for what is over, just be glad that it was once yours."

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever, the same."

Last night I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I had to let go and walk away. I walked away from the most important thing in my life, from the most important person. And it was the hardest thing I have ever done.

I told him to find someone new, someone who wants to live in Israel forever. Yet, as I told him that, everything inside of me was screaming not to, to keep my mouth shut and just let it be. But I knew I could not, so I told him, and here we are. Both suffering, both having our hearts break. Yes, we have done this before, but this time, there is a finality to it that was not there the last time. This time, I know there is no hope for a future for us. He definitely wants to stay there, and I definitely do not want to live there forever. A few years, sure, but not forever. (I will admit though, that right now, moving there forever sounds like an excellent idea.)

As I sit here and write this, I try to keep telling myself that it is all for the best. That we did the right thing, that it was not a mistake. That maybe, despite what I thought and how I feel, that maybe we were really not meant to be together forever. Maybe we were there for each other and fell in love at the right time in each others' lives. Yet, no matter what I tell myself, I cannot help but cry and feel as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on. All I know is that right now, my heart is breaking, I am crying like a baby, and that this is the hardest thing I have ever done and will ever have to get over (if I can get over it; I wonder if anyone ever completely does).

I know he is hurting too, and I care and worry. I do not want him to hurt and suffer, but I know he is, and I wish I could help him, heal him. But I also know I cannot. I know that he has to deal with this in his own way, in his own time, and that as much as I want to call or text him and make sure he is okay, that I should not. But why is it the one person I want to comfort the most (and the one person I want to comfort me the most), is the one person I cannot?

At the same time though, I know we have both had a huge weight lifted off our shoulders. Neither one of us has to worry about the relationship, about what is going to happen, where we are headed, what we are going to do, and when. We have an answer. We have closure. We will stay friends, of that I have no doubt, but I am still losing him. Somewhere though, in the back of my mind, I know that I will be okay, that I will heal, and that he will too, and that we will both move on (call me selfish or whatever, but I hope and pray to G-d that I am the first one who does), however, as I said, right now, my heart is breaking, and I am having a hard time seeing past that.

The Lesser of Two Evils

“Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.” -Anonymous

“Remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons. Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible.” -Cherie Carter-Scott

Life is full of choices. Yet, it the hard ones that we remember, that we agonize over, wondering what to do, and if what we choose is the right decision. I have had to make some very tough decisions in my life, but none seem more difficult than the ones that deal with love, and in my case, losing it. But who said love was easy, right? 

My boyfriend and I had a long, honest conversation with each other tonight. It was tense and awkward in some moments, both of us thinking the same thing, and knowing the other was thinking it too, but not wanting to say it out loud. Not wanting to admit it. We were both thinking of breaking up, but neither one of us could let go, was willing to let go. At least, I know I was not and I do not think he was either.  So, we decided to be in a open relationship (thanks to my brilliant idea), meaning that if someone comes along for one or both of us that we want to date, we are free to try, but have to tell the other about it. 

I will be honest here, I hate this arrangement, absolutely hate it. I have no idea what I was thinking when I suggested it. (Ok, I do know what I was thinking.) I am willing to give it a try because it is a heck of a lot better than the other option, breaking up. I cannot lose him. I just cannot. Maybe I am delaying the inevitable, I don't know. But right now, all I know is that I am not ready to give up, I am not ready to let go. Maybe it is unfair to both of us, especially in the long run, but if I read him correctly, he is not willing to let go either. So it was either staying together in some form or breaking up. I took (what I consider to be) the lesser of two evils. 

We are still at a standstill about the future--him not knowing where he is going to be in two years (but the odds of him staying there permanently are very high), my not knowing about law school, him not knowing when he goes into the army (which brings up another issue if I would move there--I would rarely see him), and my not wanting to live there forever. Not knowing any of that makes it very difficult. If we want this to work, one of us will have to give and sacrifice, the question is how much that person is willing to sacrifice and what the sacrifice will cost the person.

As I was thinking about this tonight, the more I thought about it, the more I seriously considered moving there, forever, if that is what he wants. I always said I could never live there, but that I could probably do it for a year or two, provided I knew that we were definitely coming back. But tonight I actually considered moving there forever. Never before had I thought that, or even seriously considered it. It would require a huge sacrifice on my part, huge. I would be leaving everything here, everything that means something to me, everything that I am attached to, life as I know it, and honestly, I am not sure I could even do that, if I have it in me to do that. If it came to that though, I would try because it means that I would be with him.

Escaping to Israel

It's been a month since I last posted, and while I wish I had tons to report back, I am afraid I do not. I had my escape. I went to Israel and had a great time (even if I did get sick in the middle). I saw my boyfriend and loved every minute I spent with him; in fact, I spent 24/7 with him, and we managed not to kill each other! Actually, we can get along pretty well with each other for days on end, which is a good thing, I know. It was as if he had never left, as if I had not seen or touched him since July. As I said, it was great.

I loved seeing the country again. It's absolutely beautiful. It is one of, if not the, most beautiful countries I have ever seen. (Ok, I've only ever seen Israel and some of America, but I still think Israel is gorgeous.) This time though, I saw Israel not so much as a tourist, but as a resident, a citizen. I rode the buses, went to grocery stores and pharmacies (Super-Pharm anyone? :-)), went to the bus stations, and walked the streets, among other things. Last time I was there, I was more of a tourist. Ok, I was definitely a tourist. This time, I got to experience Israel like an Israeli would, or someone who made Aliyah would. And I loved it. What made it even better was that I was also seeing it through my boyfriends' eyes. (To see my pictures of Israel, you can go to my Facebook and take a look. If you cannot see them, let me know.)

However, my time there also affirmed something for me. I do not want to live there. Yes, I love the country, and yes, my boyfriend is there (and likely will be there for at least another two years), but it is not someplace I can ever see myself living. It is a whole different way of life, a whole different culture, and frankly, they do not have many of the things we have here, things in which I am accustomed to, thing in which I like. But even so, I just cannot see myself living there, and that's the biggest thing. That being said though, I had a great time, and if it were not so expensive and I had the time (ok, I have the time until I get a job), I would go back there in an instant, and stay longer.

My Escape

Remember how in this post I talked about escaping, but not always being able to do so? Well, guess what? I am! I get to escape! It is not for very long; only about eight days, including travel time, but I am not complaining. I get to get away for a bit, something that I really need at this point.

Where to you ask? I am off to Israel, the Holy Land, the land of my forefathers and grandfather, the land my boyfriend is currently living in. So not only do I get my escape, but I get to see him. If you ask me, it's a win-win. Oh, and the bonus, I get to go to Madrid! I have a connection, both ways, in the city. I probably will not be able to actually see the city as my connections are about two hours apart (which basically allows for transferring, security, and checking baggage in on my next flight), but hey, at least I get to say I was in Madrid!

But do not worry my dear readers. I am not leaving for another week and a half, on November 24th. So you will still have me (and my posts) until then. (Also, I am taking my computer, so I can blog from there, if I have time.) In the meantime, I am busy preparing for my trip and counting down the days until I go.

The Pillow

Before my now ex-boyfriend left for Israel, I made him give me a pillow of his. It is a blue bean bag pillow, one he used all the time, that he absolutely loved. And I made him give it to me. I wanted something of his that he loved and used all the time. In fact, before he left, I took just about anything he offered me that he was trying to get rid of. I have two stuffed animals (monkeys), a computer bag that he used all the time, an Israeli army or navy flag (I do not remember which), and a bunch of other random things, including the pillow. I took it all. Why? Because they were his. The last bits I would have of his; the last bit I would have left of him.

However, of all the things that I took from him, the pillow is the one that means the most to me. Maybe that is because it meant so much to him, because he loved it so much. I used to sleep with it all the time. Literally, all the time, for months. And then one night, as I was going to bed, I decided not to. I wanted to, very much so, but I decided that doing so would just make letting him go harder. It was already making it harder. It was a reminder on a daily and nightly basis that he is no longer here. So I put the pillow away.

I placed it on one of my nightstands, right next to my bed. It has sat there ever since. I cannot make myself move it, to put it away. I thought of mailing it to him in Israel, but could not bring myself to do that either. I also thought of bringing it with me when I would go to visit and give it back to him then. But I cannot, and would not, be able to do that either. I cannot let go of that pillow. That pillow will be with me forever, as will the computer bag and stuffed monkeys. I may have to let him go, but I do not have to let those go.

Moving On

It has been a little over a week since my boyfriend and I broke up, and while I am doing fine, there are times I am not. There are times I really miss him, even if he is not here. I miss knowing that he was mine, that he was there for me if I needed it, having that someone special to talk to, though he is 7,000 miles away. Those times when I miss him I think about what he is doing now, following his dream, living a whole other life I am no longer a part of, a life I can no longer touch or see. A life in which he is truly happy.

Then I wonder, "Is he being happy with someone else? Is there someone else (yet)?" As I think that, I also pray that there is not. While I want him to be happy, to live his life in a way that makes him happy, I do not want him to do so with another girl. With me, fine, great even. But I do not want him being with anyone else. It reminds me of the saying, "If I can't have him, no one else can!" And better yet, I hope, pray, that he thinking the same thing as me. That the thought of me being with someone else just turns his stomach and makes his heart ache.

A friend has told me a few time that my ex is a "serial monogamist." I'm not sure this is completely true, but it does make sense. He has had a series of monogamous relationships, some of them one right after another, but not all of them have been short term (as the link suggests). To me, he does not go out looking for them. They just tend to fall right into his lap (as I did). And I'm worried that is what is going to happen to him in Israel. That he will not be looking for one, but it will just happen, and in a short period of time as well. I do not want that, at all. To be honest, I want him to pine over me the way I do over him at times.

However, I know this is not realistic. I know that we will both move on, find other people, and continue to be happy in whatever life brings us. I just hope to G-d that I do it first.

I Love You, It's Over

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."
-Dr. Suess

Wise words, Dr. Suess. But as I am sure many of us can attest to, it is always easier said than done. And that is exactly how I am feeling. I am trying to smile, remember what was, the love I gave and received, the good times I had, but at the same time, I cannot help but think that it is now all gone. In one fell swoop, it is over. Ok, maybe not a fell swoop. It was not sudden, in the least. Both of us knew it was coming, were expecting it I guess, but neither wanted to admit it.

What am I referring to, you ask? I am referring to my new occupation as single lady. That's right; my boyfriend and I ended our relationship. It was a mutual decision, one we both put off. I guess we both found the courage to admit it on Thursday night, though. Or rather, we discovered that things with my boyfriend, sorry, ex-boyfriend, were more indecisive than what we thought. At least, that I thought.

We talked on Thursday night, and in the course of the conversation, he told me that he would like to join the Israeli army (something I already knew), but that he is thinking of doing so for at least three to four years. Three to four years. Not only that, but he may decide to stay permanently in Israel. However, even if does not stay there forever, but he does do the army as he wants for as long as he wants, that will be a five to six year stay. Five to six years. That is a long time, for both of us. And it is not fair for either one of us to wait, but especially when he has no idea what is going on or how long it is going to be. So, it is over. We decided to end it.

That was last night. I have had almost a whole day to let it sink in, to think and absorb all of this. There are times when I am really fine with it, when I feel it was the best decision. Then there are times, like now, when I think to myself, "What the hell were you thinking? You just let the best thing walk out of your life! Go get him back, doofus!" And then I wonder, "What if I would move to Israel? We could be together, we wouldn't have to break up." But really, not much would change. He would still be unsure of his future, which would mean being unsure of our future, plus I would have moved away from everything--family, friends, my dreams of law school, my life as I know it. And for what? An uncertain future. But at least we would be together.

I do not blame him for leaving. I am happy he has found something he is passionate about and is willing to pursue his dream. I have said this before, here. But here I sit, writing this post because he is there, in Israel, and because of that, I am now writing as a newly single lady. I love him and I will always love him, and maybe when everything is said and done, we will find our way back to each other. But right now we each need to figure out where we are in life and what we are going to do with our lives.

Letting Go

Loving someone is setting them free, letting them go.
-- Kate Winslet

You never leave someone behind, you take a part of them with you and leave a part of yourself behind.
-- Author Unknown

Some think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go.
-- Sylvia Robinson

A year and a half ago someone walked into my life, someone I was not looking for, nor expecting. Yet, there he was and he became an integral, important part of my life. Now, a year and a half later, he is gone. Not completely out of my life, but nowhere near like it was before. He has moved, over 6,000 miles away, to pursue his dream. I do not fault him or blame him for doing so. It takes a lot of courage and strength to do what he has, and for that, I greatly admire him. However, it has left me trying to deal and cope with his leaving.

In the past two weeks I have had to learn to let go. It has not been easy; some days are harder than others. But I am learning, and with each day, I become more able to deal with and accept the situation. With each day, I am able to let go a little bit more and move on with my life. He will always be a huge part of my life, and, no matter what happens in the future, I hope we will remain friends, but I have to let him go. As the saying goes, "If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

Leaving on a Jet Plane II*

Today is the day. At 10:38AM he is leaving for New York, and on July 6th, he leaves for Israel. I try not to think about it, but it seems to be all I can do lately. I am not sure if I can put into words how I am feeling. I am not really sure I want to, yet. Putting it into words, writing it down, will make it final. It will make it real. Yes, in my mind I know it is real, and I know it is happening. But it has not happened yet. He has not boarded the plane, it has not taken off, I have not said goodbye. Therefore, it not completely real.

I have not cried yet, either. Not because I do not care, but because, in my thinking, he is still here, still with me, and I am not going to spend the time I have left with him crying. I refuse to do that. I refuse to fall apart in front of him. I am going to support him, no matter what it costs me, because it is what I need to do. It is what I want to do. When he is on the plane, then I will begin my sob fest. But until then, my eyes will remain (fairly) dry.

* In May, 2009 I made a blog post titled "Leaving on Jet Plane ," which is where I first mentioned my boyfriends' plans to make Aliyah. For that post, see here.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

All my bags are packed,
I'm ready to go,
I'm standing here,
Outside your door,
I hate to wake you up to say Good Bye.
But the dawn is breakin', It's early morn`,
The taxi's waiting, blowin' his horn.
Already I'm so lonesome I could die.

So kiss me and smile for me,
Tell me that you wait for me,
Hold me, like you never let me go.
Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane,
Don't know when I'll be back again,
Oh Babe, I hate to go.

My boyfriend of almost a year and a half is leaving in two months for Israel. But he's not just leaving. He is moving. He is making Aliyah to Israel and joining the Israeli army. I am happy for him. I really am. I'm happy he has found a direction, a passion (other than computers, that is). I am happy that he has found something that he wants to do, and I support him in every possible way that I can. But inside, this is killing me.

I try not to think about it, at all, but that is becoming increasingly difficult as the hour of his departure comes closer. And the more I try not to think about it, the more I end up doing just that. I am not sure how many people out there can understand, or comprehend, what this is doing to me, but I am sure there are many out there who can.

It is tearing me up inside. The thought of him leaving is just...incomprehensible. I cannot imagine my life without him in it on a daily basis. I cannot imagine him not being a ten minute drive away. I cannot imagine him not being here to call me a "dork" or tell me that I'm weird. Who am I going to call when I'm bored to tears and tell me to come over, just so that I will have something to do?

How can you imagine your life without someone who has been such an integral part of it for over a year? I can't imagine my life without him, but I have to. He's in New York right now, and while it's not Israel, and still in the general time zone (as opposed to Israel which is eight hours ahead), I still miss him, and I cannot help but think that if this is how I feel when he is 3,000 miles away, how am I going to feel when he is half way around the world? I do not want to even think about it. But as I said, the closer it gets, the more I cannot help but think about it. I know I will have to deal with it at some point, but right now, I'm just not ready to, and honestly, I do not know if I can.