The Impasse

I know I have written about it before, and have gone back and forth on the issue, but this is something I have been very torn about from day one. Even now, after breaking up, I still think about, I still consider it. I think about leaving, moving to Israel. Forever. I think about giving up everything here and leaving it all behind. When the pain is sharp, and very present, I think I can do it. I mean really, truly do it. I think about living there, being with him, and I know that I if I do decide to do it, that I will be happy. I have no doubt about that. The idea of picking up my life, giving up what I have and want, seems like a small price to pay, because everything I want is 8,000 miles away.

But then, the pain fades, and I am no longer sure I can do it forever. Yes, I can do it for a few years, knowing that I, we, would be coming back. But knowing that I would be there forever, well, I am not sure I can do that. Maybe I am not strong enough or courageous enough, to pick up and leave my life, family, and friends, and everything I have ever dreamed about behind. I just do not have it in me to something so extreme, so life changing. At the same time though, I would be living another dream of mine. The one where he is in it. Yes, it would be leaving one dream behind to fulfill another, but it would still be leaving one of my dreams behind. And I ask myself, can I really do that to myself? Can I leave a part of myself, part of my dreams, behind to follow?

As soon as I ask myself that question, I know the answer. No, I cannot. Not only am I still trying to live out one of my dreams, but giving that part of myself up would not do anyone any good. Yes, I would be happy, but there would also be a part of me that would not be, the part of me that would be saying "what if?" That would not be fair to anyone, at all. So, as much as I do want to go there, I know that it would not be making the right decision. At least not right now. But who knows what the future holds. I just know, that right now, at this time in my life, it is not the right decision for me, and that making a decision like that, when I feel the way I do, is not a good idea. I need to heal, but more importantly, I need to follow my dreams first, just the way he is following his.