Many people, usually mothers, commonly refer to their most challenging time of day as "The Witching Hour." It is that time of day (or night) when everything is chaotic, the kids are not cooperating, and nothing seems to be going right. Lately, I have been referring to a certain time of night as my "witching hour." It is that time of night when I start to breakdown, slowly losing my resolve and my optimism.
The time it begins usually varies, but I can always feel it creeping it up on me between 7PM and 8PM, and then the later it gets, the stronger it gets, until I give in. I just break. I have a mini (or full blown) meltdown, like the one I had a few posts ago. Some nights are better than others. Some nights it does not hit me as hard, and some nights it is more of a punch than a hit, as you have seen. It is on those nights that I question whether or not I can survive this, and it is on those nights that I know I cannot.
I try to distract myself, and it usually works, at least for awhile. It helps if I have something to do, like reading and briefing cases, or watching shows online or on TV, or talking to my friend or my mom. Sometimes, when I feel it coming and coming strong, I purposely bury those feelings and thoughts and force myself to concentrate on whatever it is that I am doing. But other times, no matter what I do, nothing works.
I have come to realize that the way I feel at night, the questioning and doubting, is just an exaggeration of the way I occasionally feel during the day. During the day I feel more positive; I am more positive. It is then that I think, "OK, three years is not a big deal. It'll fly by. I can do this," and I believe it. But then night comes, and I start doubting myself, and the later it gets, the less doubt I have that I can do it and the more conviction I have that I cannot do it. I think that deep down, even when I am optimistic, I know that I will struggle greatly to get through this and that it will be extremely difficult for me, but at the same time, I also know I do not have another choice.
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
Surviving
I honestly have no idea how I am going to survive the next year to year and a half. My boyfriend joined the army today. He is officially an Israeli soldier, and tomorrow (well, today actually), he signs a contract for service for fourteen months, with the possibility of extending it to eighteen months. Eighteen months. A year and a half of rarely seeing him, not talking to him often, of worrying about him. A year and a half of just not having him with me, of not being together. I do not know how I am going to survive it.
As if that is not enough, he might be there for three years, if he gets into the program that he wants. I will barely survive the fourteen to eighteen months that he will definitely be there for, but three years? There is no way I can do that, and I am not just saying that because of the way I feel now. I have been thinking about this for months now, trying to convince myself that I can handle a year and a half, that I can even handle three years, but deep down, I know that is not true. Like I said, I know I will be able to the eighteen months, it will be hard and long, and I will barely get through it, but I can do it. However, I know I cannot do the three years. It is just one of those instinctual, gut feelings, of something that you just know.
I feel horrible, hypocritical, and selfish for feeling like this, for having to tell him this, I cannot help it. One or both of us needs to come up with a better way to make this work, in a way where we both get to pursue our dreams and be together at the same time. In a way where I am not miserable every night and crying myself to sleep. I am sure there is a way. There has to be a way. We just have not found it yet.
Granted, I could always move and go to law school there, but as I have said before in other posts, not only is that not my law school dream, I would be alone in a strange city with barely any friends and family, where I am no longer familiar with the language, and I would be in school in a foreign country. Law school here is hard enough, doing it in a foreign country would be even harder. Plus, I would only see him once every three weekends.
I do not want him to give up his dream for me, nor would I ever ask him to do that, and he would never ask that of me. At the same time though, right now I feel like the only way this will work is if one of us puts our dream on hold in order to be together, but I do not want either one of us to do that. Yet, there must be a way. There has to be a way in which we can be together and achieve our dreams. In the meantime, I just have to survive.
As if that is not enough, he might be there for three years, if he gets into the program that he wants. I will barely survive the fourteen to eighteen months that he will definitely be there for, but three years? There is no way I can do that, and I am not just saying that because of the way I feel now. I have been thinking about this for months now, trying to convince myself that I can handle a year and a half, that I can even handle three years, but deep down, I know that is not true. Like I said, I know I will be able to the eighteen months, it will be hard and long, and I will barely get through it, but I can do it. However, I know I cannot do the three years. It is just one of those instinctual, gut feelings, of something that you just know.
I feel horrible, hypocritical, and selfish for feeling like this, for having to tell him this, I cannot help it. One or both of us needs to come up with a better way to make this work, in a way where we both get to pursue our dreams and be together at the same time. In a way where I am not miserable every night and crying myself to sleep. I am sure there is a way. There has to be a way. We just have not found it yet.
Granted, I could always move and go to law school there, but as I have said before in other posts, not only is that not my law school dream, I would be alone in a strange city with barely any friends and family, where I am no longer familiar with the language, and I would be in school in a foreign country. Law school here is hard enough, doing it in a foreign country would be even harder. Plus, I would only see him once every three weekends.
I do not want him to give up his dream for me, nor would I ever ask him to do that, and he would never ask that of me. At the same time though, right now I feel like the only way this will work is if one of us puts our dream on hold in order to be together, but I do not want either one of us to do that. Yet, there must be a way. There has to be a way in which we can be together and achieve our dreams. In the meantime, I just have to survive.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Making the Right Decision
Last January, I wrote about being at an impasse, what decision was the right one. I just reread that post and realized that not much has changed. The only things that have changed are that I am moving and going to law school, and that he is definitely going into the army. As I read the post, I realized that while I am still torn, maybe more so now, that this time it is different. This time, we are certain of each other, certain that we want to be together, and while I have always dreamed of going to law school, and still do, I also desire to be with him more than anything.
It has been my dream for thirteen years and I am finally going. I cannot give up on that, or postpone it. I have been fighting to get in for two years, and I now that I finally am, I cannot just give up on it. Who knows if I will ever get the chance again. Not to mention, I do not want to become that woman who gives up everything for a man, even if I do love him more than anything; I do not want to lose myself, or my dreams, and I do not want to regret it later in life because that would not be fair to either one of us. Plus, I know he does not want me to give up on or postpone my dream, and sometimes that is the only reason I am still going.
But the dream I have of being with him is a different kind of dream. Every fiber of my being wants to hop on a plane right now and just go there. And in my head, I know how irrational and stupid that would be. It does not make any sense. Even if I hopped on a plane now, he would be in the army in a little over a month and then I would be completely alone, in a foreign country, with no job, support system, anything, and I would barely ever see him (one weekend very three weeks). So what good would it do for me to give up or postpone (almost) everything I have ever wanted? None. Yes, I would get to be with him for a month, but in the end, it would not do anyone any good. At the same time though, I tell myself that while I would barely see him, it is better then never seeing him (he will have leave for one month every year, which is very much like never).
I realized the other day that a big part of my problem is not knowing how long this is going to be. He can do eighteen months in the army, three years, or any amount of time really, depending on what he wants, the unit he gets into, and what the army decides. I also came to the realization that I can handle eighteen months, but two or three years is too much for me. There is no way I can do that. I can say that for certain right now, and I know this is true because I do not just feel this way when I am missing him and miserable. I feel this way when I am feeling better and am optimistic, believing that we can do this, but thinking that I cannot do it for three years. And I know people will say "You'll be in law school and will be busy with that, and time will fly." Yes, time will fly. I am very aware of how quickly time flies. But there is a difference between time flying for eighteen months, and time flying for three years. There is a difference between being able to handle something on a smaller scale and being able to cope with something like this--being away from the person you love, the person you want to be with. Either way, I know I cannot handle three years.
Over the past few days I have come up with a few different ways this can go, and compromises to make this work after eighteen months (at least I think they are compromises, and fairly good ones at that). In one, he is only doing eighteen months in the army, and after that, he comes back here, stays with me while I finish law school. If he really wants to go back to Israel after I am done, then we will go back. In the other scenario, he does three years in the army, and everything is just reversed. I go there after eighteen months (I have not quite figured out the law school aspect of this yet, but I will), he finishes the army, and we can come back to the States so I can finish my law degree. After that, well, we shall see. But those are my solutions (so far). Yes, I am aware of how crazy this sounds, to be planning this now when neither one of us knows what will even happen within the next month. As I said before though, I hate not knowing how long this will be, and knowing I cannot survive it for longer than eighteen months, I need to find some solution, even if it is too early to make those kinds of plans.
Basically, it all boils down to that we are each doing what we have to do, for ourselves. He has to follow his dream; I have to follow mine. I know this. We did this before, and I know we can do it again, but it is not going to be easy. (And the time difference certainly doesn't help either.) But we take it one day at a time, and whatever happens, we will handle. Either way, I know that he is what I want; we both know that we want to be together, and we will both work to make it happen. Just one day at a time, but in the meantime, I just have to keep telling myself (and have others tell me) that I am, that we are, making the right decision.
It has been my dream for thirteen years and I am finally going. I cannot give up on that, or postpone it. I have been fighting to get in for two years, and I now that I finally am, I cannot just give up on it. Who knows if I will ever get the chance again. Not to mention, I do not want to become that woman who gives up everything for a man, even if I do love him more than anything; I do not want to lose myself, or my dreams, and I do not want to regret it later in life because that would not be fair to either one of us. Plus, I know he does not want me to give up on or postpone my dream, and sometimes that is the only reason I am still going.
But the dream I have of being with him is a different kind of dream. Every fiber of my being wants to hop on a plane right now and just go there. And in my head, I know how irrational and stupid that would be. It does not make any sense. Even if I hopped on a plane now, he would be in the army in a little over a month and then I would be completely alone, in a foreign country, with no job, support system, anything, and I would barely ever see him (one weekend very three weeks). So what good would it do for me to give up or postpone (almost) everything I have ever wanted? None. Yes, I would get to be with him for a month, but in the end, it would not do anyone any good. At the same time though, I tell myself that while I would barely see him, it is better then never seeing him (he will have leave for one month every year, which is very much like never).
I realized the other day that a big part of my problem is not knowing how long this is going to be. He can do eighteen months in the army, three years, or any amount of time really, depending on what he wants, the unit he gets into, and what the army decides. I also came to the realization that I can handle eighteen months, but two or three years is too much for me. There is no way I can do that. I can say that for certain right now, and I know this is true because I do not just feel this way when I am missing him and miserable. I feel this way when I am feeling better and am optimistic, believing that we can do this, but thinking that I cannot do it for three years. And I know people will say "You'll be in law school and will be busy with that, and time will fly." Yes, time will fly. I am very aware of how quickly time flies. But there is a difference between time flying for eighteen months, and time flying for three years. There is a difference between being able to handle something on a smaller scale and being able to cope with something like this--being away from the person you love, the person you want to be with. Either way, I know I cannot handle three years.
Over the past few days I have come up with a few different ways this can go, and compromises to make this work after eighteen months (at least I think they are compromises, and fairly good ones at that). In one, he is only doing eighteen months in the army, and after that, he comes back here, stays with me while I finish law school. If he really wants to go back to Israel after I am done, then we will go back. In the other scenario, he does three years in the army, and everything is just reversed. I go there after eighteen months (I have not quite figured out the law school aspect of this yet, but I will), he finishes the army, and we can come back to the States so I can finish my law degree. After that, well, we shall see. But those are my solutions (so far). Yes, I am aware of how crazy this sounds, to be planning this now when neither one of us knows what will even happen within the next month. As I said before though, I hate not knowing how long this will be, and knowing I cannot survive it for longer than eighteen months, I need to find some solution, even if it is too early to make those kinds of plans.
Basically, it all boils down to that we are each doing what we have to do, for ourselves. He has to follow his dream; I have to follow mine. I know this. We did this before, and I know we can do it again, but it is not going to be easy. (And the time difference certainly doesn't help either.) But we take it one day at a time, and whatever happens, we will handle. Either way, I know that he is what I want; we both know that we want to be together, and we will both work to make it happen. Just one day at a time, but in the meantime, I just have to keep telling myself (and have others tell me) that I am, that we are, making the right decision.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Back To Normal
Today, my life returned to normal. Or what I thought was normal. If you had asked me two months ago, normal was going to work, preparing to move, going out with friends a few times a week, sitting at home at night watching TV basically doing whatever needed to be done. I was just going through the motions. Now though, that is no longer the case. In fact, I now realize it never was my normal.
The last two months, my ex, and now current, boyfriend was here visiting. In those two months, I realized that those times in my life without him were never normal. There was something missing. Normal is being with my boyfriend, having him in my life (on a more regular, boyfriend-like basis), talking to him, listening to his endless fountain of information about anything and everything, watching TV shows with him days after they air, and just spending time with him. I realized that that is how my life should be. That is my normal. He may not be here right now, but he is my normal, and always has been. And somewhere, deep down, I always knew that.
The last two months, my ex, and now current, boyfriend was here visiting. In those two months, I realized that those times in my life without him were never normal. There was something missing. Normal is being with my boyfriend, having him in my life (on a more regular, boyfriend-like basis), talking to him, listening to his endless fountain of information about anything and everything, watching TV shows with him days after they air, and just spending time with him. I realized that that is how my life should be. That is my normal. He may not be here right now, but he is my normal, and always has been. And somewhere, deep down, I always knew that.
Friday, June 25, 2010
A New Day
In the hour and a half since my last post, a new day has arrived, in more ways than one for me though. In that time, I have had a tremendous turnaround. I went from feeling shitty, hurt, and lost, to great, hopeful, and found. I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and in fact, in a way, it has. By getting everything down, sorting through it, and organizing my thoughts, I was able to see things more clearly. It was as if I needed to write it down and blog about it in order to move past it.
What I really needed though was to not carry it around inside of me anymore. And I no longer am. I feel as if I set myself free, and that is exactly what I did. While I had talked about it before with some friends, I did not tell them everything. I had trouble saying it all out loud. But I was able to blog about all of it, and that made all the difference. I now know that I can move forward, that I will be able to move forward, heal, and get on with my life. And that is exactly what I am going to do.
What I really needed though was to not carry it around inside of me anymore. And I no longer am. I feel as if I set myself free, and that is exactly what I did. While I had talked about it before with some friends, I did not tell them everything. I had trouble saying it all out loud. But I was able to blog about all of it, and that made all the difference. I now know that I can move forward, that I will be able to move forward, heal, and get on with my life. And that is exactly what I am going to do.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Meeting Someone
Since my ex and I broke up he has had three dates (one was a short relationship). I have had none. I do not mention this because I think of it as a competition; I mention it because I am finding it very hard to meet someone. I got lucky with the last two men I dated. In fact, I think of my last two relationship as flukes of some sort. I never intended to meet the two men and date them, but it just happened. I guess you can say I had some good luck and everything sort of fell into my lap.
Now though, I don't know. I have a gut feeling that as easy as those two were to find, this next one, whomever he may be, is going be just as hard (and my gut is always right). This is not because I am picky, or snobby, or anything of the sort. I am not. Yes, I have standards, everyone does, but I do not have an insane amount of criteria, or insane criteria itself, that needs to be met. I just want a nice, Jewish guy who is meant for me. He is out there. I know it. I just find it ironic that in this day and age, where we have so many ways of meeting someone (the internet, mixers, events, friends, etc.), that I am having a hard time doing so.
I do not want to rush anything, though. I am in no way anxious to get married and settle down. But I do want that someone special, and sometimes I cannot help but wonder if he has already passed me by. Not necessarily one of my exes, but maybe someone I knew or already know. I am happy being single, but like most other singles, I want love in my life. Maybe I should just do what I have done before and not look. It seemed to work out well the last two times.
Now though, I don't know. I have a gut feeling that as easy as those two were to find, this next one, whomever he may be, is going be just as hard (and my gut is always right). This is not because I am picky, or snobby, or anything of the sort. I am not. Yes, I have standards, everyone does, but I do not have an insane amount of criteria, or insane criteria itself, that needs to be met. I just want a nice, Jewish guy who is meant for me. He is out there. I know it. I just find it ironic that in this day and age, where we have so many ways of meeting someone (the internet, mixers, events, friends, etc.), that I am having a hard time doing so.
I do not want to rush anything, though. I am in no way anxious to get married and settle down. But I do want that someone special, and sometimes I cannot help but wonder if he has already passed me by. Not necessarily one of my exes, but maybe someone I knew or already know. I am happy being single, but like most other singles, I want love in my life. Maybe I should just do what I have done before and not look. It seemed to work out well the last two times.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Giving Dating Advice to the Ex
I was sitting outside last Friday afternoon pretending to be interested in the "tricks" my seven year old cousin was doing on her scooter when my text message alert went off. Thinking it could only be one of three people (my mom, brother, or best friend), I took some time digging my phone out of my coat pocket. To my surprise, it was none of those three people. It was my ex saying hi and asking me what I was doing. I responded and asked why. His answer was that he wanted to talk and needed some advice, and asked if he could call later. I said he could call when I got home and that I would let him know when.
Fast forward two hours. We are on the phone, talking. He says he has something to tell me. He lets me know that he is dating someone, and then tells me he needs some advice on that. He went into more detail, told me more about the girl and the situation, and I gave him my thoughts and opinions. We continued to talk for about ten more minutes, then I had to go. (I am not going to go into detail about the dating or advice; it is not my place and you readers do not need to know those details for the rest of this post.)
Anyway, it got me to thinking. Is giving dating advice to an ex a bad idea? Should an ex even ask you for dating advice, or is that a line that should not be crossed? And if the two of you are still friends, is it weird or normal to ask? There is no right or wrong answer. It really depends on the dynamics the two people have as exes, and as friends after the break-up. Yes, it can be awkward, but I choose not think of it that way. I choose to look at it as that we are friends now and that is what friends do--ask advice from each other. In fact, my first thought when finding out he wanted dating advice from me was that he came to me for it. For me, that speaks volumes. It means that not only does he still value me as a friend, but that he trusts me, that I am still someone he can turn to when he needs to talk and needs advice. Not everyone can remain friends with their ex after a break-up, but for those that can, this is the kind of friendship I wish for them.
Fast forward two hours. We are on the phone, talking. He says he has something to tell me. He lets me know that he is dating someone, and then tells me he needs some advice on that. He went into more detail, told me more about the girl and the situation, and I gave him my thoughts and opinions. We continued to talk for about ten more minutes, then I had to go. (I am not going to go into detail about the dating or advice; it is not my place and you readers do not need to know those details for the rest of this post.)
Anyway, it got me to thinking. Is giving dating advice to an ex a bad idea? Should an ex even ask you for dating advice, or is that a line that should not be crossed? And if the two of you are still friends, is it weird or normal to ask? There is no right or wrong answer. It really depends on the dynamics the two people have as exes, and as friends after the break-up. Yes, it can be awkward, but I choose not think of it that way. I choose to look at it as that we are friends now and that is what friends do--ask advice from each other. In fact, my first thought when finding out he wanted dating advice from me was that he came to me for it. For me, that speaks volumes. It means that not only does he still value me as a friend, but that he trusts me, that I am still someone he can turn to when he needs to talk and needs advice. Not everyone can remain friends with their ex after a break-up, but for those that can, this is the kind of friendship I wish for them.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Moving On Again
Moving on after a breakup is not easy, at all. A person needs time to heal, mend his or her heart, and adjust. Some people are able to move on after a short period; some are not. And some try to move on before they are ready, sometimes without realizing that they are not ready.
That is what I did. I let myself heal and adjust a bit, and then I tried moving on. I started looking for the next guy. I asked friends if they knew of anyone for me, and when I came up empty, I joined a few Jewish dating sites. I met and talked to some guys, most of whom are really very nice, sweet men that I enjoyed talking to. But...(There is always a "but" isn't there?)
But I kept going back to him. My ex. I thought of him when talking to those guys, compared them to him. I could not help but go back to him, and it bothered me, really bothered me. Maybe it is normal, but I cannot help but wonder, why do I keep thinking of him? Does this mean that I have not moved on? Am I not over him like I thought? Am I not ready to move on?
I am ready to move on. I know I am. But maybe I am not quite over him yet, which is normal. Yes, it is better than it was, but not complete. We were together for two years; if I got over him so quickly then either the relationship was not as good as I thought, I did not love him as much as I thought, or else there is something wrong with me. But I know that none of those are the case. Yet, there is a part of me that feels that the only way I will completely move on and get over him is to actually move on, to be in another relationship. In other words, maybe I need a "rebound."
That is what I did. I let myself heal and adjust a bit, and then I tried moving on. I started looking for the next guy. I asked friends if they knew of anyone for me, and when I came up empty, I joined a few Jewish dating sites. I met and talked to some guys, most of whom are really very nice, sweet men that I enjoyed talking to. But...(There is always a "but" isn't there?)
But I kept going back to him. My ex. I thought of him when talking to those guys, compared them to him. I could not help but go back to him, and it bothered me, really bothered me. Maybe it is normal, but I cannot help but wonder, why do I keep thinking of him? Does this mean that I have not moved on? Am I not over him like I thought? Am I not ready to move on?
I am ready to move on. I know I am. But maybe I am not quite over him yet, which is normal. Yes, it is better than it was, but not complete. We were together for two years; if I got over him so quickly then either the relationship was not as good as I thought, I did not love him as much as I thought, or else there is something wrong with me. But I know that none of those are the case. Yet, there is a part of me that feels that the only way I will completely move on and get over him is to actually move on, to be in another relationship. In other words, maybe I need a "rebound."
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Imagine Me and You
"Me and you and you and me,
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together...."
-"Happy Together," The Turtles
You date someone. Things are going well, very well, you know where it is headed. You love him (or her), and you know he (or she) loves you, and a picture begins to form: The two of you, together, married, with children, jobs, a house. You picture your life together, and you see it all.
Then, it is over. No longer is there "the two of us." Your lives are now separate, no longer so intertwined, no longer dependent on the other. But the picture you had of your life together? That is still there. You still see it sometimes, especially in the beginning. It is like a movie that keeps repeating in your head; sometimes it is just one scene, other times, it is many. But as time goes on, the movie fades, and you are just left with a scene or two. It is those few that play in your head occasionally long after the relationship is over, after you both have moved on.
I mention this because I did this; I do this. Still. I still sometimes get those short scenes in my head, imagining a future that I know is no longer possible, a future I that I have let go. It is not something I want to picture anymore. It makes me feel like I am clinging to the past, like I am wishing and hoping for something that I know will never happen. Yet, sometimes I cannot help it. They are just there, at random moments, playing in my head. Like an old, sentimental movie that I just cannot seem to say goodbye to, but know I have to.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Meant To Be
“What's meant to be will always find a way.” -Trisha Yearwood
“Everything happens for a reason. Every action has a reaction. Always remember that whats meant to be will always find a way to come about.”-Anonymous
Over the past weeks I have been doing quite a bit of thinking about my recently ended relationship, and I have come to one very major realization: If it were meant to be, it would be. If we were meant to be together, it would not have been so hard, so difficult to do so. There would not have been so many walls in front of us. It would have been easier. I am not saying that relationships do not have difficulties; they do. What I am saying is for that relationship, for my relationship, if it were meant to happen, we would not have been stonewalled. We would have found some way to make it work; there would have been some way to make it work. But it was not meant to be.
It took me awhile to realize this because at first, I was in it. I was too involved. Then, when I was no longer in the relationship, I was too hurt to even think of anything like that. My thoughts were focused on just getting through it and getting through the day. It was only after the hurt was gone, after I was no longer so completely involved and could think about it more clearly, that I was able to take a step back from it all and assess it from the outside. That was when I came to this realization. I came to realize that it should not be so hard to be together; that if we were truly meant to be together, there would have been a way.
I also realized that maybe we were meant to be together for those two years. Maybe we were not meant to last, but maybe, for whatever reason, we each needed the other at that point in our lives. However, that part is over now, and we do not need each other the same way anymore. We are each moving in different, opposite, directions in our lives.; I would like to think we helped each other get there, get to these points in our lives, but that it is no longer needed. Like I said, if it were meant to be, it would have been.
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Let's Play A Game
A blogger friend of mine recently wrote a post about how women think, as in how they operate in a relationship. In it, she describes a typical scenario of a woman asking her man if she looks fat in a dress, and of course, the man giving the "wrong" answer. The scenario might have been exaggerated a bit, but the point definitely came across. As I read the blog, commented, and read the follow up comments, I was thinking about relationships and the mind games both sides play while in one.
Games are all about testing each other. I read an article* recently about the mind games women play. In it, the author (a man) states, "So why do women indulge in these silly mind games? Well, for one thing, they're women. And women think and react with their emotions -- at least more than men do, in general. But it's really about testing us. And tests are ultimately all about control of the relationship." Yes, we are women (thanks for pointing that out); yes, women are mostly guided by their emotions and definitely more so than men are; and yes, we do play mind games to test men. However, it is not done out of a desire for control.**
For women, it is about testing the strength of the relationship. IF a woman does something like that, it is because she wants her man to know, without her having to tell him, certain things. It is done out of desire to know whether or not our man truly knows us, whether he understand us on a deeper level. For women, it shows that he pays attention, that he cares, and like I said, that he understands his woman as an individual. And we want them to know this without having to tell them, because, well, if he truly knows, then we would not have to tell him, right?
WRONG. As a woman who was recently in a two year relationship, I tried not do that to my ex very much (at least I hope not, though he can attest to that, but I did try not to), there were certain times I did hint at things and see if he caught on. But I quickly learned that men are not mind readers, and, as much as we would like them to be, they only know as much as we tell them. And no, most men cannot read between the lines when women speak. If you want him to know something, you have to tell him. Sometimes repeatedly. (Men, take note: Having us repeat something to you more than two or three times will piss us off.)
Relationships are complicated enough. Do not make them more complicated by expecting men to just know things and read between the lines. Communication is key to a successful, healthy, and happy relationship, especially honest and effective communication, and like I said, expecting people to be mind readers is not going to help. If there was one thing I learned in my relationship, it was that.
*For those that read the article, please note that the author is not quite correct in all his statements. Some are overly exaggerated, and others are just wrong, though some are correct. (He really should have consulted some women on this before writing.)
**Please also note that I do not speak for all women. These are my feelings and thoughts, and though I do think that some, if not most, women would agree, I do not assume that all women are like this and feel this way.
Games are all about testing each other. I read an article* recently about the mind games women play. In it, the author (a man) states, "So why do women indulge in these silly mind games? Well, for one thing, they're women. And women think and react with their emotions -- at least more than men do, in general. But it's really about testing us. And tests are ultimately all about control of the relationship." Yes, we are women (thanks for pointing that out); yes, women are mostly guided by their emotions and definitely more so than men are; and yes, we do play mind games to test men. However, it is not done out of a desire for control.**
For women, it is about testing the strength of the relationship. IF a woman does something like that, it is because she wants her man to know, without her having to tell him, certain things. It is done out of desire to know whether or not our man truly knows us, whether he understand us on a deeper level. For women, it shows that he pays attention, that he cares, and like I said, that he understands his woman as an individual. And we want them to know this without having to tell them, because, well, if he truly knows, then we would not have to tell him, right?
WRONG. As a woman who was recently in a two year relationship, I tried not do that to my ex very much (at least I hope not, though he can attest to that, but I did try not to), there were certain times I did hint at things and see if he caught on. But I quickly learned that men are not mind readers, and, as much as we would like them to be, they only know as much as we tell them. And no, most men cannot read between the lines when women speak. If you want him to know something, you have to tell him. Sometimes repeatedly. (Men, take note: Having us repeat something to you more than two or three times will piss us off.)
Relationships are complicated enough. Do not make them more complicated by expecting men to just know things and read between the lines. Communication is key to a successful, healthy, and happy relationship, especially honest and effective communication, and like I said, expecting people to be mind readers is not going to help. If there was one thing I learned in my relationship, it was that.
*For those that read the article, please note that the author is not quite correct in all his statements. Some are overly exaggerated, and others are just wrong, though some are correct. (He really should have consulted some women on this before writing.)
**Please also note that I do not speak for all women. These are my feelings and thoughts, and though I do think that some, if not most, women would agree, I do not assume that all women are like this and feel this way.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
The Lesser of Two Evils
“Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.” -Anonymous
“Remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons. Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible.” -Cherie Carter-Scott
Life is full of choices. Yet, it the hard ones that we remember, that we agonize over, wondering what to do, and if what we choose is the right decision. I have had to make some very tough decisions in my life, but none seem more difficult than the ones that deal with love, and in my case, losing it. But who said love was easy, right?
My boyfriend and I had a long, honest conversation with each other tonight. It was tense and awkward in some moments, both of us thinking the same thing, and knowing the other was thinking it too, but not wanting to say it out loud. Not wanting to admit it. We were both thinking of breaking up, but neither one of us could let go, was willing to let go. At least, I know I was not and I do not think he was either. So, we decided to be in a open relationship (thanks to my brilliant idea), meaning that if someone comes along for one or both of us that we want to date, we are free to try, but have to tell the other about it.
I will be honest here, I hate this arrangement, absolutely hate it. I have no idea what I was thinking when I suggested it. (Ok, I do know what I was thinking.) I am willing to give it a try because it is a heck of a lot better than the other option, breaking up. I cannot lose him. I just cannot. Maybe I am delaying the inevitable, I don't know. But right now, all I know is that I am not ready to give up, I am not ready to let go. Maybe it is unfair to both of us, especially in the long run, but if I read him correctly, he is not willing to let go either. So it was either staying together in some form or breaking up. I took (what I consider to be) the lesser of two evils.
As I was thinking about this tonight, the more I thought about it, the more I seriously considered moving there, forever, if that is what he wants. I always said I could never live there, but that I could probably do it for a year or two, provided I knew that we were definitely coming back. But tonight I actually considered moving there forever. Never before had I thought that, or even seriously considered it. It would require a huge sacrifice on my part, huge. I would be leaving everything here, everything that means something to me, everything that I am attached to, life as I know it, and honestly, I am not sure I could even do that, if I have it in me to do that. If it came to that though, I would try because it means that I would be with him.
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