Lucky

In the queer mess of human destiny, the determining factor is luck. -William E. Woodward

I am persuaded that luck and timing have, in my case, been very important. -Mike Wallace

Timing and luck is everything, at least in my life they seem to be. Sometimes I wonder if people realize how lucky they are that their timing is right; that they are able to have the one they love with them, or willing to move with, and for, them. That they can be with that person, without anything preventing them from doing so.

I was talking to a friend earlier tonight. She is starting law school in the fall, moving to a new city, and her boyfriend is, in all probability, going with her. I know she realizes she is lucky that he is, but I do not think she realizes how lucky she is to have him going with her. What I would not give to have my boyfriend here with me. To have our timing just right so that he can be with me, or that I can be with him. What I would not give to have it work out the way I want, the way he wants, or the way we both want. What I would not give for that. 


I keep cursing my luck, because it is just my luck, that things would work out like this. I have cursed everything and almost everyone. I curse the fates, destiny, and yes, even G-d, for their timing. And even though I am big believer in "everything happens for a reason," there are times where I want to say "Screw that." Times when I wish that someone, fate, destiny, G-d, or whomever, had decided that I do not need another obstacle in my path. That for once in my life, I deserve to have things to work out for me, however that may be. That I deserve to be lucky, too.

Then, I see or hear something that reminds me that I am lucky. I may not be able to be with my boyfriend, or even be able to talk to him every day, but I am lucky enough to have someone who loves me, for me. To have someone who accepts me as I am, quirks and weirdness and all. I am lucky to have someone who is good to me, so good to me that there are times when I question what I did to deserve him. I am lucky because I am able to follow my dream, and to have a boyfriend who is able to follow his, even if it means we have to be apart for awhile. I am lucky to only have to wait another year (probably, hopefully) to be with him, and not three years, or five years, or ten years. Lucky that I can see him when I have a break, even if it is only for a few days. I am lucky to have friends and family who are always there for me, who love me, and are willing to listen to me gripe, complain, whine, yell, and cry about how unlucky I am. Lucky.


I am lucky.

Where I'm Supposed To Be

"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart...Pursue those."-Michael Nolan 

Years ago, thirteen to be exact, I decided that I wanted to be a lawyer. I have no idea what made me decide that, if anything specific sparked my interest, I just remember deciding it one day. It was my passion, my dream, and I worked extremely hard to achieve it. Yet, here I am now, wondering if this is where I am supposed to be.

A week ago, I started my second term as a law student, and honestly, I am struggling. Not because the work is hard (though it is), not because there is just so much work to do in any given week (though there is), and not because I miss my family, boyfriend, and friends (though I do). I struggle because the passion that I had coming into this five months ago is no longer there. It is gone. I have absolutely no desire to do this anymore, and the only reason I am here is due to obligations, responsibilities, and the difficulties that would arise should I decide to leave. Granted, there are times when I will be in class and something will greatly spark my interest (something not on the Internet), but then I come home, back to my apartment, where I have to sit down and do my work, and it will be the last thing I want to do. It used to be that I did not mind doing it at all, sometimes I even wanted to do it, and that while reading for school, I would find certain things interesting, even in a class I hated (ahem, property). Now though, I do the work because I have to, and sometimes I have to really force myself to do it. The passion is just no longer there. 

I was telling my boyfriend this the Saturday before school started. Actually, I was telling him how I did not want to do this anymore, and trying to explain that the passion was not there. I also refused to go back, may have even stamped my foot a few times while saying it (not that he could see). It was the last thing I wanted. But he refused to let me do that. He made me promise that I would give it two weeks, so I have until this coming Sunday to fulfill my promise. By then, I will have had two weeks to readjust, rediscover my passion, think this over, and hopefully decide what to do, what I want to do. But it is five days away and I still have no idea. 

People wonder, rightly so, whether or not this has to do with my boyfriend, and as much as I want to say no, I cannot. Of course he has something to do with this. He is in Israel, I am here. He has thirteen months of service left in the army there (which he may extend), I have three years left here. At the very least, it will be a year before we can be together, and if I know my boyfriend, it will probably longer because I am sure he will want to extend. And I am not going to ask him to not do that, for me. But more than just the fact that we are apart, it also has a lot to do with just wanting him here to be with me, to support me, encourage me, and just be here. There is only so long I can do this alone. Only so long before it gets to me. 

I know I am not really alone. I have good friends here, and family and close friends a four drive away. But as much as I love everyone here and back home, it is different. Having friends and family close is great, but having the one you love with you is even greater. There is nothing like having the person you love with you on the journey you are taking, during stressful and overwhelming times, in your corner, cheering you on. Or just knowing that when you walk in the door, he or she is going to be there (and if you are lucky, with dinner ready on the table). Knowing that he is here, with me, can make all the difference in the world. 

But that is a smaller aspect of this mess. The larger aspect is, like I said, the lack of passion. If it is not there, then why am I here? Why am I wasting my time, energy, brain cells, and money on this? I wonder, how does that kind of passion disappear in the span of five months? Not to mention, if I do not have the passion for it, then I am not motivated to do well, which will be a disaster when it comes time to find a job. As I sit and wonder where the passion went, the passion that I had for thirteen years, I wonder if this is not a sign from the universe or G-d. Maybe I am not supposed to be here, at least not right now. Maybe I am supposed to be elsewhere. Maybe this was all to lead me to where else I am supposed to be (though it would be helpful if G-d or the universe would give me a hint as to where that is). 

Then I think to myself, if I am supposed to be elsewhere, why I am so unsure of where that is? Why is it so hard to get there? My mom has always said that if something was bashert (meant to be), that it would not be so difficult, it would be easier to get there. Everything would work out. Yet I feel so confused, so lost. I feel that everything is a mess and that nothing is working out. This is not the way things were supposed to be. This was not how my life was supposed to turn out. 

I know I do not have to decide anything now, but the more time that passes, the more involved I am and the later it gets to do anything about it this term. The more I consider my options, the more I lean towards sticking it out this term, and, if I still feel the same way next term, maybe I will take it off, think about what I really want, without having to juggle school at the same time. In the meantime though, I am staying here, because right now, more than anything, I need to believe that this is where I am supposed to be. 

Living the Dream

And wanting to run away from it. I am doing what I have always wanted to do, what I have dreamed of doing for twelve years, and lately, all I want to do is quit. I want to run back home, back where I don't have the immense amount of pressure, stress, and work that I do here. Where I can go back to my part-time job while I try to figure out what else to do with my life. (Journalism, maybe. See? I've given this some serious thought already. I've even seriously considered moving to Israel and doing something there, but what I have no idea.)

But I don't run, anywhere. I stay here and tell myself that this is my dream. This is what I fought to be able to do for two years. This is why I moved away from my family and friends, from everything I have ever known. How many people get to live out their dream? I am one of the lucky ones, I know that. But I still cannot help but think that maybe I am not cut out for this. Maybe, just maybe, this is not right for me after all. Just because you want to do something, doesn't mean you should do it. Then I ask myself if I really believe that, if I really believe I am not cut out for law school, and I say "no." Truth be told, though, I do love (most of) this. Granted, some classes make me want to shoot myself or the book (property law anyone?), and reading cases can be extremely boring, but there are some classes and subjects I really do enjoy.

I realized recently that part of the reason I want to go home is because, aside from the stress, once my best friend moves back I will be all alone here, and as much as I like living alone, I'm still alone. There is no one here, physically, to give me comfort, to talk to, or just be here with me. Yes, I have friends here from school, and as great as some of them are, it's not the same. They are not family, not my boyfriend, or friends that I have known most of my life.

Everyone keeps telling me to give it a year, especially current and former law students. And I will. I knew before I got here that this was going to be extremely hard and stressful, and I still have those nagging doubts all the time, especially when I'm feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and pressured. But I also know myself, and I know that if I really did think that I could not do this or if I really wanted out, I would be out by now. I would not be hemming and hawing over it; it would be done. Yet, it's not, and I am still here, living the dream.

The Witching Hour

Many people, usually mothers, commonly refer to their most challenging time of day as "The Witching Hour." It is that time of day (or night) when everything is chaotic, the kids are not cooperating, and nothing seems to be going right. Lately, I have been referring to a certain time of night as my "witching hour." It is that time of night when I start to breakdown, slowly losing my resolve and my optimism.

The time it begins usually varies, but I can always feel it creeping it up on me between 7PM and 8PM, and then the later it gets, the stronger it gets, until I give in. I just break. I have a mini (or full blown) meltdown, like the one I had a few posts ago. Some nights are better than others. Some nights it does not hit me as hard, and some nights it is more of a punch than a hit, as you have seen. It is on those nights that I question whether or not I can survive this, and it is on those nights that I know I cannot.

I try to distract myself, and it usually works, at least for awhile. It helps if I have something to do, like reading and briefing cases, or watching shows online or on TV, or talking to my friend or my mom. Sometimes, when I feel it coming and coming strong, I purposely bury those feelings and thoughts and force myself to concentrate on whatever it is that I am doing. But other times, no matter what I do, nothing works.

I have come to realize that the way I feel at night, the questioning and doubting, is just an exaggeration of the way I occasionally feel during the day. During the day I feel more positive; I am more positive. It is then that I think, "OK, three years is not a big deal. It'll fly by. I can do this," and I believe it. But then night comes, and I start doubting myself, and the later it gets, the less doubt I have that I can do it and the more conviction I have that I cannot do it. I think that deep down, even when I am optimistic, I know that I will struggle greatly to get through this and that it will be extremely difficult for me, but at the same time, I also know I do not have another choice.

Mini-Meltdown

My last blog post was me having a mini-meltdown. I seem to be prone to them these days, having them at least once a week. They always come at night, but that is because nights are usually my worst, especially if it is late at night. Since my life these days consists of not going to sleep before 3AM (thank you, law school), I have many of those late nights, and if I am lucky and get completely exhausted, I will have a mini-meltdown. Or even a full-blown meltdown. Either way, I cry my heart (and eyes) out. You lucky readers, got to see one of those meltdowns last night.

I have no doubt that there will be more mini-meltdowns, probably even full-blown ones too, but, unlike in my last post, I know I can survive, and not just the meltdowns, but everything else as well. Yesterday, a friends' friend (who does not know me at all, and in fact, just met me) called me a "strong, stubborn, SOB." The way I figure it, if he can say that about me after just meeting me and only talking with me for an hour, then there must be some truth to it. (My boyfriend was kind enough to concur when I told him.) And since I am a strong, stubborn, SOB, I know I will make it through this. I know we will make it through this (because he is a strong, stubborn SOB as well).

Surviving

I honestly have no idea how I am going to survive the next year to year and a half. My boyfriend joined the army today. He is officially an Israeli soldier, and tomorrow (well, today actually), he signs a contract for service for fourteen months, with the possibility of extending it to eighteen months. Eighteen months. A year and a half of rarely seeing him, not talking to him often, of worrying about him. A year and a half of just not having him with me, of not being together. I do not know how I am going to survive it.

As if that is not enough, he might be there for three years, if he gets into the program that he wants. I will barely survive the fourteen to eighteen months that he will definitely be there for, but three years? There is no way I can do that, and I am not just saying that because of the way I feel now. I have been thinking about this for months now, trying to convince myself that I can handle a year and a half, that I can even handle three years, but deep down, I know that is not true. Like I said, I know I will be able to the eighteen months, it will be hard and long, and I will barely get through it, but I can do it. However, I know I cannot do the three years. It is just one of those instinctual, gut feelings, of something that you just know.

I feel horrible, hypocritical, and selfish for feeling like this, for having to tell him this, I cannot help it. One or both of us needs to come up with a better way to make this work, in a way where we both get to pursue our dreams and be together at the same time. In a way where I am not miserable every night and crying myself to sleep. I am sure there is a way. There has to be a way. We just have not found it yet.

Granted, I could always move and go to law school there, but as I have said before in other posts, not only is that not my law school dream, I would be alone in a strange city with barely any friends and family, where I am no longer familiar with the language, and I would be in school in a foreign country. Law school here is hard enough, doing it in a foreign country would be even harder. Plus, I would only see him once every three weekends.

I do not want him to give up his dream for me, nor would I ever ask him to do that, and he would never ask that of me. At the same time though, right now I feel like the only way this will work is if one of us puts our dream on hold in order to be together, but I do not want either one of us to do that. Yet, there must be a way. There has to be a way in which we can be together and achieve our dreams. In the meantime, I just have to survive.

My Greatest Adventure (Yet)

Today will mark the beginning of my greatest adventure yet. It is the beginning of many things. I head off to law school today, but not just that; it marks the beginning of my living completely on my own, being completely independent, and being away from home for a long period of time. I will also be in a new city and state, too.

I know this is something I have always dreamed of, but I am not going to lie, I am scared. Terrified, actually. All of these firsts, and I will be completely alone. When I need family and friends with me the most, my first day of law school, I will be alone. But everyone keeps telling me that I am strong, that I can do this, that I can handle it all, and in my good moments, I believe them. In my bad moments, well, that is when I need them the most. But they are only a phone call away. Either way, this is something I need to do for myself. I need to find out if law is right for me, and I need to find out that, as terrifying as it may be, that I can do this.

So, here's to my greatest my adventure, yet.

Making the Right Decision

Last January, I wrote about being at an impasse, what decision was the right one. I just reread that post and realized that not much has changed. The only things that have changed are that I am moving and going to law school, and that he is definitely going into the army. As I read the post, I realized that while I am still torn, maybe more so now, that this time it is different. This time, we are certain of each other, certain that we want to be together, and while I have always dreamed of going to law school, and still do, I also desire to be with him more than anything.

It has been my dream for thirteen years and I am finally going. I cannot give up on that, or postpone it. I have been fighting to get in for two years, and I now that I finally am, I cannot just give up on it. Who knows if I will ever get the chance again. Not to mention, I do not want to become that woman who gives up everything for a man, even if I do love him more than anything; I do not want to lose myself, or my dreams, and I do not want to regret it later in life because that would not be fair to either one of us. Plus, I know he does not want me to give up on or postpone my dream, and sometimes that is the only reason I am still going.

But the dream I have of being with him is a different kind of dream. Every fiber of my being wants to hop on a plane right now and just go there. And in my head, I know how irrational and stupid that would be. It does not make any sense. Even if I hopped on a plane now, he would be in the army in a little over a month and then I would be completely alone, in a foreign country, with no job, support system, anything, and I would barely ever see him (one weekend very three weeks). So what good would it do for me to give up or postpone (almost) everything I have ever wanted? None. Yes, I would get to be with him for a month, but in the end, it would not do anyone any good. At the same time though, I tell myself that while I would barely see him, it is better then never seeing him (he will have leave for one month every year, which is very much like never).

I realized the other day that a big part of my problem is not knowing how long this is going to be. He can do eighteen months in the army, three years, or any amount of time really, depending on what he wants, the unit he gets into, and what the army decides. I also came to the realization that I can handle eighteen months, but two or three years is too much for me. There is no way I can do that. I can say that for certain right now, and I know this is true because I do not just feel this way when I am missing him and miserable. I feel this way when I am feeling better and am optimistic, believing that we can do this, but thinking that I cannot do it for three years. And I know people will say "You'll be in law school and will be busy with that, and time will fly." Yes, time will fly. I am very aware of how quickly time flies. But there is a difference between time flying for eighteen months, and time flying for three years. There is a difference between being able to handle something on a smaller scale and being able to cope with something like this--being away from the person you love, the person you want to be with. Either way, I know I cannot handle three years.

Over the past few days I have come up with a few different ways this can go, and compromises to make this work after eighteen months (at least I think they are compromises, and fairly good ones at that). In one, he is only doing eighteen months in the army, and after that, he comes back here, stays with me while I finish law school. If he really wants to go back to Israel after I am done, then we will go back. In the other scenario, he does three years in the army, and everything is just reversed. I go there after eighteen months (I have not quite figured out the law school aspect of this yet, but I will), he finishes the army, and we can come back to the States so I can finish my law degree. After that, well, we shall see. But those are my solutions (so far). Yes, I am aware of how crazy this sounds, to be planning this now when neither one of us knows what will even happen within the next month. As I said before though, I hate not knowing how long this will be, and knowing I cannot survive it for longer than eighteen months, I need to find some solution, even if it is too early to make those kinds of plans.

Basically, it all boils down to that we are each doing what we have to do, for ourselves. He has to follow his dream; I have to follow mine. I know this. We did this before, and I know we can do it again, but it is not going to be easy. (And the time difference certainly doesn't help either.) But we take it one day at a time, and whatever happens, we will handle. Either way, I know that he is what I want; we both know that we want to be together, and we will both work to make it happen. Just one day at a time, but in the meantime, I just have to keep telling myself (and have others tell me) that I am, that we are, making the right decision.

Movin' on Up

In late December, I will be moving up. Well, moving north to be more exact, but that is up. I will moving in order to go to law school. I will be in Michigan, which is only one state away from my family, but for me, it is more than that. For me it means that not only am I finally realizing my dream of going to law school, but it also means that everything has changed, that everything is changing. And while change is good (for the most part, I believe), it is also scary, and for me, this is very scary.

Believe it or not, I have never lived away from home. In fact, I have never been away from home for more than two weeks. I never went away to school or dormed while in college. I stayed put, mostly out of necessity. Financially, it was out of the question. While I could have gotten loans for it, I did not want to do that. I was already going to have loans from college as it was, plus the loans that I would have for law school and living expenses while there, so taking out more loans just to live on campus or near it did not make sense; it was not practical. So I stayed home. Now, though, moving is a necessity. If I want to go to law school (and I do), I have to go to Michigan. I have no choice. You see, the school where I am going is the only school that accepted me. I do not have a choice of which school to attend, because, trust me, if I did, I would chose to stay home as it is financially more feasible. So I am moving, and for the first time in my life, I will not live at home.

Not only will I not be living at home, but I will be completely on my own in every way possible. Yes, I am a very independent person, pay for just about everything myself, and can take care of myself, but like I said, I have always been at home. There has always been someone there (sometimes to my annoyance). Once I move though, there will be no one, except for maybe a roommate, but that will not be the same. I will not have any family or friends there. I will have no support system there; they will be one state away. I will be totally alone. Yes, I am sure I will make some friends, but it will still not be the same. My home, family, and friends will not be there. I will be on my own.

I am excited and scared at the same time. My life as I know it will be changed forever. There are times when I stop whatever I am doing and just think, "Oh my G-d. I am moving," almost as if it has just hit me (at the rate I am going though, it has hit me about twenty times already). But then there are times where I think, "I'm moving,"as if it as natural as breathing. For me though, just the word "moving" has so much connotation because it means so much change. I have about five months before I have to go, and from now until then I have no doubt that my thoughts will be all over the place, including continuing to alternate between "Oh my G-d, I'm moving" and "I'm moving." In the meantime though, there are things to do, decisions to be made, and plans to make before I can move on up and start my new adventure.

Accepted!

In this post, I talked about taking my life in a new direction, finding a new path, a new passion, and a new career. And I was fine with it, remember? However, I am extremely happy to say that I no longer have to consider doing that. You see, I GOT INTO LAW SCHOOL! Yes, that's right. I'm in!

After that last post, I received a message from a friend who told me not to give up on my dream, that there is a way to get what I want. Feeling greatly encouraged, I decided to apply to that last law school. I figured, "What the hell? The worst they can do is say no," and I had already received enough "no's" that one more would not make a difference. Three weeks later, I received a large manila envelope in the mail from the school, and as soon as I saw the large envelope, I knew-- I was in!

So now I get to spend the next six months preparing to start law school and move to a new city and state. There is quite a lot to do; I do not think I have even wrapped my head around the whole thing yet. There are times where I will just stop and think, "I'm moving to Michigan." I am leaving everything I have ever known, family, friends, job, familiarity, to do this. But if this is what I have to do in order to achieve my dream, so be it. Though life as I know it will never be the same.


*More to come later on law school, I just wanted to let everyone know the happy news.

The Dawn of a New Dream

I have one more application to send in my quest to get into law school, yet I am hesitating. I am unsure if I want to send it in. If I should even bother. I have sent in four or five other law school applications this year and all have been rejected. The odds are not on my side for this last one. In fact, I think it is safe to say the odds are completely against me. So I hesitate and wonder, and in the meantime, contemplate my other options.

I am unsure if I want to give up on law school and instead focus on something else. Yet, that is what I seem to find myself doing. My problem though, is what to focus on. Yes, I have other areas of interest, journalism for one, but that is not what worries me. What worries me is if I can see pursuing one or two of those areas and doing that for the rest of my life. Or should I go to graduate school and get a degree in something else? But then I am confronted with the same problem: Can I see myself doing that one thing (the thing I spent two more years of education and money on) for the rest of my life? I am not sure.

The weird thing is, I am okay with giving up on law school. No, it is not great, but it is not the end of the world either. Yes, it was my dream for twelve years, but that does not mean I do not have other dreams, or that dreams cannot change. Of course they change, and they change because we change. Maybe, despite how long I have wanted to go to law school and be a lawyer, maybe I was never meant to be one. Maybe I was always meant to be something else.

Everything Happens For A Reason

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. -Douglas Adams

For those that do not know me, and even for those who do, I am a big believer in everything happening for a reason. I may not always know the reason, but I believe that it was meant to happen. The reason I bring this up is that, one night last week my friend asked me if I was happy. I thought about it for a few seconds and replied, "Yes and no."

Let me begin with the "no" answer. I cannot say that I am unhappy, for I am not. However, considering that this is not where I wanted to be at this time in my life, a year and a half after graduating college, yes, in a way, I am unhappy, but only in the sense of how everything turned out. Things did not go as I had planned. If I had known that this is where I would have ended up now, I would not have set my hopes so high, and it would have made the transition from college to the real world easier. It would have made realizing that my dreams might not happen, or might not happen the way I wanted them to happen, easier.

But yes, I am happy with my life as it is, despite how things ended up. No, I did not end up where I wanted to be at this time in my life, but I do believe I am where I am supposed to be. I believe that I was supposed to end up here-- unemployed, living at home, trying a number of times to succeed on the LSATs and get into law school, and single. Of this I have no doubt. I am where I am supposed to be.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, including all of this. I may not know all, or any of the reasons, but I do not need to know them. All I need to know is that this is where I am in my life and this is where I was supposed to end up, and that I am who I am because of it. And I am happy, very happy.

What Hurts The Most

In the twenty-fours hours plus since my relationship ended, I have been doing quite a lot of thinking. I realized that while yes, breaking up is extremely heartbreaking, that for me, right now, what hurts the most is that my hopes for a future with him are gone. The last time we broke up, about six months ago, I still had that hope. At that time he had not already decided to stay, so my hope that he would come back in a few years and that we could have a future then were still there. But now, now he is staying, and my hopes for a future are dashed. I no longer have even that shred of hope to hang onto, and unless one of us changes our minds (which is very unlikely), I will not even have that hope later on. That is what hurts the most. I think that is what I am grieving for most of all.

The Impasse

I know I have written about it before, and have gone back and forth on the issue, but this is something I have been very torn about from day one. Even now, after breaking up, I still think about, I still consider it. I think about leaving, moving to Israel. Forever. I think about giving up everything here and leaving it all behind. When the pain is sharp, and very present, I think I can do it. I mean really, truly do it. I think about living there, being with him, and I know that I if I do decide to do it, that I will be happy. I have no doubt about that. The idea of picking up my life, giving up what I have and want, seems like a small price to pay, because everything I want is 8,000 miles away.

But then, the pain fades, and I am no longer sure I can do it forever. Yes, I can do it for a few years, knowing that I, we, would be coming back. But knowing that I would be there forever, well, I am not sure I can do that. Maybe I am not strong enough or courageous enough, to pick up and leave my life, family, and friends, and everything I have ever dreamed about behind. I just do not have it in me to something so extreme, so life changing. At the same time though, I would be living another dream of mine. The one where he is in it. Yes, it would be leaving one dream behind to fulfill another, but it would still be leaving one of my dreams behind. And I ask myself, can I really do that to myself? Can I leave a part of myself, part of my dreams, behind to follow?

As soon as I ask myself that question, I know the answer. No, I cannot. Not only am I still trying to live out one of my dreams, but giving that part of myself up would not do anyone any good. Yes, I would be happy, but there would also be a part of me that would not be, the part of me that would be saying "what if?" That would not be fair to anyone, at all. So, as much as I do want to go there, I know that it would not be making the right decision. At least not right now. But who knows what the future holds. I just know, that right now, at this time in my life, it is not the right decision for me, and that making a decision like that, when I feel the way I do, is not a good idea. I need to heal, but more importantly, I need to follow my dreams first, just the way he is following his.

The Hardest Thing

"Never be sad for what is over, just be glad that it was once yours."

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever, the same."

Last night I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I had to let go and walk away. I walked away from the most important thing in my life, from the most important person. And it was the hardest thing I have ever done.

I told him to find someone new, someone who wants to live in Israel forever. Yet, as I told him that, everything inside of me was screaming not to, to keep my mouth shut and just let it be. But I knew I could not, so I told him, and here we are. Both suffering, both having our hearts break. Yes, we have done this before, but this time, there is a finality to it that was not there the last time. This time, I know there is no hope for a future for us. He definitely wants to stay there, and I definitely do not want to live there forever. A few years, sure, but not forever. (I will admit though, that right now, moving there forever sounds like an excellent idea.)

As I sit here and write this, I try to keep telling myself that it is all for the best. That we did the right thing, that it was not a mistake. That maybe, despite what I thought and how I feel, that maybe we were really not meant to be together forever. Maybe we were there for each other and fell in love at the right time in each others' lives. Yet, no matter what I tell myself, I cannot help but cry and feel as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on. All I know is that right now, my heart is breaking, I am crying like a baby, and that this is the hardest thing I have ever done and will ever have to get over (if I can get over it; I wonder if anyone ever completely does).

I know he is hurting too, and I care and worry. I do not want him to hurt and suffer, but I know he is, and I wish I could help him, heal him. But I also know I cannot. I know that he has to deal with this in his own way, in his own time, and that as much as I want to call or text him and make sure he is okay, that I should not. But why is it the one person I want to comfort the most (and the one person I want to comfort me the most), is the one person I cannot?

At the same time though, I know we have both had a huge weight lifted off our shoulders. Neither one of us has to worry about the relationship, about what is going to happen, where we are headed, what we are going to do, and when. We have an answer. We have closure. We will stay friends, of that I have no doubt, but I am still losing him. Somewhere though, in the back of my mind, I know that I will be okay, that I will heal, and that he will too, and that we will both move on (call me selfish or whatever, but I hope and pray to G-d that I am the first one who does), however, as I said, right now, my heart is breaking, and I am having a hard time seeing past that.

The Countdown Begins

The LSATs are exactly three weeks from today, which means I have exactly three weeks left to improve upon, well, everything. The nice thing is that now I know what I am good at and I know what I am horrible at. The question remains though is whether or not I can get better at the questions I am terrible at, or whether I should let those go and focus on the easier ones and the ones I know I can improve upon. In the LSAT though, every correct answer counts. In fact, in the LSAT, just getting five to seven more questions right can not only raise a score, but can also raise the percentile a person falls into by ten. Ten percentile points just for answering five to seven more questions correctly. When applying to law school, that can make all the difference.

I have not taken a practice test in almost two weeks. The last time I took one my score went down eight points from the previous practice test. Needles to say, not good. I think much of it may have been my fault though. I really did not want to take the test then, made myself do it, and by the end of each section I was more than ready to be done. It showed. I also did not study or review very much before I took it, which was clearly a mistake. So, I decided to just study for awhile before taking another test and ordered three new books to study with, the PowerScore Trilogy Set. (I ordered from Amazon, without the Logic Games Workbook). I am currently working on the Logical Reasoning book. (Just as a FYI, the Logical Reasoning section is worth fifty percent of a person's LSAT score. It is worth more than any other section on the test, which is why I am focusing on it first.)

I will admit, I have my good days and my bad days. Days where I feel I will do better on the test when the time comes, and days when I wonder if I am crazy for doing this a fourth time. I also have moments where I think I should postpone it (again) until June. At the same time though, I want to be done with this, and I know that postponing will just make me postpone studying, which would defeat the purpose of moving it to June. My biggest problem is though, that I know I am improving, I know I am understanding things enough to improve (it definitely shows when I answer questions in the books), but it is just not translating to the tests. Like I said, I think part of it is my fault, but the other part? That I do not know. I think the time issue is what gets to me, along with the fact that the questions get harder as each section progresses, which takes me more time to complete. I do not have enough time to analyze it and really go into depth while studying and taking practice tests. Maybe if I had more time I would, but right now, I really think I need to focus on getting the questions right that I know I can get right, and practicing getting most of the other questions right. I am not aiming for a high score; I have to be reasonable and realistic here. All I am really aiming for at this point is a score high enough to get me in somewhere.

Anyway, my break from studying is over, so I am going to hit the books some more. In the meantime, keep your fingers crossed for me, pray, or whatever, and hopefully I will be back soon for another post (but if not, you know why).

Third Time's the Charm

Or, in my case, the fourth time. At least that is what I am hoping. Praying. I am placing all my cards on this one last time, my one last shot. And because it is my last time, I am filled with angst and indecision about everything. Will I be ready in three weeks? Should I change the date (again) so I can study more? Will studying more even help me? Should I get a private tutor? Am I just not cut out to do this and am having an extremely hard time acknowledging it? Should I just give up and let it go?

Those are just the questions that are constantly repeated in my head. There are more floating around in there. Obviously, I do not have the answers to any of those questions. (If I did, I would not be here.) The only answer I have is that because this is my last shot, I want to give it my all. I want to go in knowing that I did everything in my power to succeed, knowing that I am as ready as I will ever be to do it, and if that means moving the date again, then so be it. Then, and only then, will I be able to let it go.

Reflections

 "One year will change a life forever."

As we rang in the New Year, and a new decade, last week, I read and heard many people wondering where they were and what they were doing ten years ago when we rang in the new millennium. As I sat and listened to them, or read what they wrote, I asked myself the same question. Where was I, at that very moment, ten years ago? Well, the boring answer is I was babysitting, while my cousins went out and partied in the New Year. I had just turned fourteen, in eighth grade, six months away from graduating. I was young. I was very young, innocent, and naive. I had dreams and aspirations; dreams I never thought could be deterred in any way, and aspirations I thought I would reach.

Now it is ten years later. I am twenty-four. I am no longer (as) young, and definitely no longer innocent and naive. I still have those dreams and aspirations I had back then, but these days they include the real world, reality, and everything in between, everything that could, and does, get in the way. I have a Bachelor's degree that gets me no where, no job, and loans to pay off. More than anything else though, I have no idea in what direction my life is headed. Ten years ago, I had it mapped out to a "T."

Then I thought about where I was last year, how I celebrated New Years then. As I recalled, I remembered that when I rang in 2009 last year, I had everything mapped out then as well. Granted, there had been some bends in the road, but for the most part, I knew where I was headed. My life was on track, going in the right direction, the direction I wanted. I had a job, I was working on getting into law school, I had a great relationship (that I thought I knew where it was headed), and great family and friends. Things were going well. Now, it is a year later, and nothing has gone the way I planned. At all. Almost everything has changed.

I realized then that a life can change greatly in ten years, and is expected to change greatly in that time span. After all, ten years is a long time. But a year can be a long time, too. Life can change just as much in one year as it can in ten. Mine did, and it taught me to expect the unexpected, that I can plan all I want, but that G-d might be laughing at me for planning. I have learned to do my best, try my hardest, and not give up, but I have also learned to take things as they come. So, here's to a 2010 that will bring the unexpected, inspiration, change for the better, and the realization of childhood dreams.

Stuck in a Rut

Do you ever feel like nothing ever goes right, that you are always fighting for something? That no matter what you do, you know there is going to be some sort of roadblock? That it's just one thing after another, and you wonder why you even bother in the first place? Do you ever just feel stuck, like you have no idea where you are headed?

Lately, I have had a lot on my mind. I have been thinking about many things, each of which could have an enormous impact on my life. I hate thinking about them, mainly because I have no idea what to do and thinking about them does not get me anywhere. I start thinking about them, hoping I can come up with an answer or at least resolve it somewhat, but I come out with no answer, no resolution whatsoever, and only more confused than when I went into my head. Sometimes I think it's better just to stay out of there.

I know that these major things I am thinking about have no straight answer. None of them are clear-cut. (If they were, I wouldn't be having this problem.) And I know that I just have to wait most of these things out, but I hate that. I hate having such major issues up in the air, not even knowing when they will be resolved, and I especially hate it because of how big these things are in my life. I feel like I veered off the road and got caught in the mud. I feel stuck. I feel like I have no idea where I am headed, that I am lost in a sense. And I must say, it really sucks not knowing where you are going.

When Things Fall Apart

What do you do when everything seems to be falling apart, not going the way you planned? What do you do when it seems your dreams are no longer a reality but a fading hope?

I had my life mapped out when I was in high school. I would go to college, get a degree, go to law school, get married, have a career and children, and life would be good and I would be happy. I guess you could say I wanted it all. Granted, I knew it would not go exactly as I planned, and that a few details were missing, but I had no doubt that I would figure them out and that everything would fall into place.

Fast forward five or six years. I did go to college, and graduate. But that is the only thing in my plan that actually worked out. That was actually the easy part. The rest, as they like to say, has gone to hell. I have spent the past two years trying to get into law school, (and am now spending a lot of money only to realize that maybe I do not have what it takes to even get in); I had a job, then lost it; and the guy, well, he is 7,000 miles away in Israel. So much for my mapped out life, right?

So, again, I ask, what do you do when nothing seems to be going your way, when it seems your dreams are not going to come to fruition? What do you do when reality hits and there is no longer a way to avoid it? Me, I crash and burn. That is what I am doing right now. Crashing and burning, in bits and pieces. As of right now, my life has taken on a entirely new direction. One I did not see coming, one I did not really prepare for. And I have absolutely no clue what to do next.