Lucky

In the queer mess of human destiny, the determining factor is luck. -William E. Woodward

I am persuaded that luck and timing have, in my case, been very important. -Mike Wallace

Timing and luck is everything, at least in my life they seem to be. Sometimes I wonder if people realize how lucky they are that their timing is right; that they are able to have the one they love with them, or willing to move with, and for, them. That they can be with that person, without anything preventing them from doing so.

I was talking to a friend earlier tonight. She is starting law school in the fall, moving to a new city, and her boyfriend is, in all probability, going with her. I know she realizes she is lucky that he is, but I do not think she realizes how lucky she is to have him going with her. What I would not give to have my boyfriend here with me. To have our timing just right so that he can be with me, or that I can be with him. What I would not give to have it work out the way I want, the way he wants, or the way we both want. What I would not give for that. 


I keep cursing my luck, because it is just my luck, that things would work out like this. I have cursed everything and almost everyone. I curse the fates, destiny, and yes, even G-d, for their timing. And even though I am big believer in "everything happens for a reason," there are times where I want to say "Screw that." Times when I wish that someone, fate, destiny, G-d, or whomever, had decided that I do not need another obstacle in my path. That for once in my life, I deserve to have things to work out for me, however that may be. That I deserve to be lucky, too.

Then, I see or hear something that reminds me that I am lucky. I may not be able to be with my boyfriend, or even be able to talk to him every day, but I am lucky enough to have someone who loves me, for me. To have someone who accepts me as I am, quirks and weirdness and all. I am lucky to have someone who is good to me, so good to me that there are times when I question what I did to deserve him. I am lucky because I am able to follow my dream, and to have a boyfriend who is able to follow his, even if it means we have to be apart for awhile. I am lucky to only have to wait another year (probably, hopefully) to be with him, and not three years, or five years, or ten years. Lucky that I can see him when I have a break, even if it is only for a few days. I am lucky to have friends and family who are always there for me, who love me, and are willing to listen to me gripe, complain, whine, yell, and cry about how unlucky I am. Lucky.


I am lucky.

A Dose of Reality

I am not really one to run from reality. I threaten to run, and often times do my best to avoid it, but I eventually face it, and of my own volition. But there are certain things I actually do run from and do my damn best to avoid. The list is short though. These days there is really only one thing I refuse to confront--my boyfriend being in the Israeli army. I absolutely refuse to think about it, refuse to think about what it truly means and what the potential consequences are. 

Then there are nights like tonight, where something happens, some awful news about someone you know (maybe not personally, but you know the person all the same or you have some connection to him/her), and I am forced to confront it, forced to think about it. 

Tonight I heard that someone's brother was killed while serving in the Israeli Defense Force. It's horrible, extremely saddening, and terrifying. This was my dose of reality. I feel for his family, I truly do. But as sad and awful as it is, I could not help but think of my boyfriend, who recently joined the IDF. It made me think of things that I greatly prefer not thinking about. I have no problem thinking of him as a soldier, in the Israeli army. My problem is thinking about what that truly means, what the consequences really are. It made me realize, yet again, that this could, in reality, happen to him. And it freaks me out. It scares me like nothing ever has before. So I retreat, back into my world where my boyfriend is just a soldier, where he looks awesome in his uniform, and everything is fine. Until that is, my next dose of reality hits. 

Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine's Day, the day when you are supposed to be sweet and romantic to, and with, your significant other, buy each other gifts, and generally be all mushy. I have never been big on the holiday. It's not that I dislike it, but I do not love it. Honestly, I do not understand the holiday. Why have one day where you show your love for your significant other? Should we not be doing that every day?

Yet, I know we don't do that every day. I certainly do not. Other things get in the way: work, family, school, and life in general. But I try to, and, in my opinion, that is what counts. That you try, every day, to show your love for that special person in your life; not that you do it for one day out of the year and do not attempt it again until the next year.*

I do not need my boyfriend to buy me candy, roses, chocolates, stuffed bears or other assorted animals to know that he loves me or is thinking about me. I know that he is, and I know this because of the other ways he shows it-- the texts in the morning saying "Boker tov" (good morning), the unexpected beautiful gifts he sends me (not in honor of Valentine's Day), his constant encouragement and not allowing me to give up, his willingness to spend over an hour on the phone with me helping me with my internet problem, his worrying about my worrying about things, and other things. I look at the little things he does. For me, while the big things are nice, it's the little things that count the most.

However, just because I am not crazy about Valentine's Day, does not mean I don't wish all of you one. Happy Valentine's Day!

*I'm not saying that is what people do, just that I sometimes think of Valentine's Day like that. 

The Witching Hour

Many people, usually mothers, commonly refer to their most challenging time of day as "The Witching Hour." It is that time of day (or night) when everything is chaotic, the kids are not cooperating, and nothing seems to be going right. Lately, I have been referring to a certain time of night as my "witching hour." It is that time of night when I start to breakdown, slowly losing my resolve and my optimism.

The time it begins usually varies, but I can always feel it creeping it up on me between 7PM and 8PM, and then the later it gets, the stronger it gets, until I give in. I just break. I have a mini (or full blown) meltdown, like the one I had a few posts ago. Some nights are better than others. Some nights it does not hit me as hard, and some nights it is more of a punch than a hit, as you have seen. It is on those nights that I question whether or not I can survive this, and it is on those nights that I know I cannot.

I try to distract myself, and it usually works, at least for awhile. It helps if I have something to do, like reading and briefing cases, or watching shows online or on TV, or talking to my friend or my mom. Sometimes, when I feel it coming and coming strong, I purposely bury those feelings and thoughts and force myself to concentrate on whatever it is that I am doing. But other times, no matter what I do, nothing works.

I have come to realize that the way I feel at night, the questioning and doubting, is just an exaggeration of the way I occasionally feel during the day. During the day I feel more positive; I am more positive. It is then that I think, "OK, three years is not a big deal. It'll fly by. I can do this," and I believe it. But then night comes, and I start doubting myself, and the later it gets, the less doubt I have that I can do it and the more conviction I have that I cannot do it. I think that deep down, even when I am optimistic, I know that I will struggle greatly to get through this and that it will be extremely difficult for me, but at the same time, I also know I do not have another choice.

Mini-Meltdown

My last blog post was me having a mini-meltdown. I seem to be prone to them these days, having them at least once a week. They always come at night, but that is because nights are usually my worst, especially if it is late at night. Since my life these days consists of not going to sleep before 3AM (thank you, law school), I have many of those late nights, and if I am lucky and get completely exhausted, I will have a mini-meltdown. Or even a full-blown meltdown. Either way, I cry my heart (and eyes) out. You lucky readers, got to see one of those meltdowns last night.

I have no doubt that there will be more mini-meltdowns, probably even full-blown ones too, but, unlike in my last post, I know I can survive, and not just the meltdowns, but everything else as well. Yesterday, a friends' friend (who does not know me at all, and in fact, just met me) called me a "strong, stubborn, SOB." The way I figure it, if he can say that about me after just meeting me and only talking with me for an hour, then there must be some truth to it. (My boyfriend was kind enough to concur when I told him.) And since I am a strong, stubborn, SOB, I know I will make it through this. I know we will make it through this (because he is a strong, stubborn SOB as well).

Surviving

I honestly have no idea how I am going to survive the next year to year and a half. My boyfriend joined the army today. He is officially an Israeli soldier, and tomorrow (well, today actually), he signs a contract for service for fourteen months, with the possibility of extending it to eighteen months. Eighteen months. A year and a half of rarely seeing him, not talking to him often, of worrying about him. A year and a half of just not having him with me, of not being together. I do not know how I am going to survive it.

As if that is not enough, he might be there for three years, if he gets into the program that he wants. I will barely survive the fourteen to eighteen months that he will definitely be there for, but three years? There is no way I can do that, and I am not just saying that because of the way I feel now. I have been thinking about this for months now, trying to convince myself that I can handle a year and a half, that I can even handle three years, but deep down, I know that is not true. Like I said, I know I will be able to the eighteen months, it will be hard and long, and I will barely get through it, but I can do it. However, I know I cannot do the three years. It is just one of those instinctual, gut feelings, of something that you just know.

I feel horrible, hypocritical, and selfish for feeling like this, for having to tell him this, I cannot help it. One or both of us needs to come up with a better way to make this work, in a way where we both get to pursue our dreams and be together at the same time. In a way where I am not miserable every night and crying myself to sleep. I am sure there is a way. There has to be a way. We just have not found it yet.

Granted, I could always move and go to law school there, but as I have said before in other posts, not only is that not my law school dream, I would be alone in a strange city with barely any friends and family, where I am no longer familiar with the language, and I would be in school in a foreign country. Law school here is hard enough, doing it in a foreign country would be even harder. Plus, I would only see him once every three weekends.

I do not want him to give up his dream for me, nor would I ever ask him to do that, and he would never ask that of me. At the same time though, right now I feel like the only way this will work is if one of us puts our dream on hold in order to be together, but I do not want either one of us to do that. Yet, there must be a way. There has to be a way in which we can be together and achieve our dreams. In the meantime, I just have to survive.

Making the Right Decision

Last January, I wrote about being at an impasse, what decision was the right one. I just reread that post and realized that not much has changed. The only things that have changed are that I am moving and going to law school, and that he is definitely going into the army. As I read the post, I realized that while I am still torn, maybe more so now, that this time it is different. This time, we are certain of each other, certain that we want to be together, and while I have always dreamed of going to law school, and still do, I also desire to be with him more than anything.

It has been my dream for thirteen years and I am finally going. I cannot give up on that, or postpone it. I have been fighting to get in for two years, and I now that I finally am, I cannot just give up on it. Who knows if I will ever get the chance again. Not to mention, I do not want to become that woman who gives up everything for a man, even if I do love him more than anything; I do not want to lose myself, or my dreams, and I do not want to regret it later in life because that would not be fair to either one of us. Plus, I know he does not want me to give up on or postpone my dream, and sometimes that is the only reason I am still going.

But the dream I have of being with him is a different kind of dream. Every fiber of my being wants to hop on a plane right now and just go there. And in my head, I know how irrational and stupid that would be. It does not make any sense. Even if I hopped on a plane now, he would be in the army in a little over a month and then I would be completely alone, in a foreign country, with no job, support system, anything, and I would barely ever see him (one weekend very three weeks). So what good would it do for me to give up or postpone (almost) everything I have ever wanted? None. Yes, I would get to be with him for a month, but in the end, it would not do anyone any good. At the same time though, I tell myself that while I would barely see him, it is better then never seeing him (he will have leave for one month every year, which is very much like never).

I realized the other day that a big part of my problem is not knowing how long this is going to be. He can do eighteen months in the army, three years, or any amount of time really, depending on what he wants, the unit he gets into, and what the army decides. I also came to the realization that I can handle eighteen months, but two or three years is too much for me. There is no way I can do that. I can say that for certain right now, and I know this is true because I do not just feel this way when I am missing him and miserable. I feel this way when I am feeling better and am optimistic, believing that we can do this, but thinking that I cannot do it for three years. And I know people will say "You'll be in law school and will be busy with that, and time will fly." Yes, time will fly. I am very aware of how quickly time flies. But there is a difference between time flying for eighteen months, and time flying for three years. There is a difference between being able to handle something on a smaller scale and being able to cope with something like this--being away from the person you love, the person you want to be with. Either way, I know I cannot handle three years.

Over the past few days I have come up with a few different ways this can go, and compromises to make this work after eighteen months (at least I think they are compromises, and fairly good ones at that). In one, he is only doing eighteen months in the army, and after that, he comes back here, stays with me while I finish law school. If he really wants to go back to Israel after I am done, then we will go back. In the other scenario, he does three years in the army, and everything is just reversed. I go there after eighteen months (I have not quite figured out the law school aspect of this yet, but I will), he finishes the army, and we can come back to the States so I can finish my law degree. After that, well, we shall see. But those are my solutions (so far). Yes, I am aware of how crazy this sounds, to be planning this now when neither one of us knows what will even happen within the next month. As I said before though, I hate not knowing how long this will be, and knowing I cannot survive it for longer than eighteen months, I need to find some solution, even if it is too early to make those kinds of plans.

Basically, it all boils down to that we are each doing what we have to do, for ourselves. He has to follow his dream; I have to follow mine. I know this. We did this before, and I know we can do it again, but it is not going to be easy. (And the time difference certainly doesn't help either.) But we take it one day at a time, and whatever happens, we will handle. Either way, I know that he is what I want; we both know that we want to be together, and we will both work to make it happen. Just one day at a time, but in the meantime, I just have to keep telling myself (and have others tell me) that I am, that we are, making the right decision.

Already Written

Everything I want to write about at this moment has already been written--by me. There is nothing new here, though now it is a year and a half later and I feel exactly the same way again. Torn, sad, broken and brokenhearted, wondering if I am making the right decision in not going with him, not being sure I can handle this, wondering if I will survive it, and so many other emotions. And I know this is hard for him as well.

My boyfriend left to return to Israel two days ago. He was here for two months, even though he was only supposed to be here for two weeks. I wish he could have stayed longer, much longer (forever, really), but since I know that is not possible, I will take whatever I can get. I am so happy and grateful that we did have the time together though, short as it was, and would not trade it for anything.

Sending him off and saying goodbye does not get any easier, no matter how many times I do it. In fact, I would say that this time was the most difficult, but I am not sure why. Maybe because we just got back together, or because he goes into the army at the end of January, or because I know I will not see him for at least another year. Mostly, it is because I love him more than I can put into words and want to be with him, though the other three definitely do not help. All I know is that leaving him at the airport yesterday was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

Back To Normal

Today, my life returned to normal. Or what I thought was normal. If you had asked me two months ago, normal was going to work, preparing to move, going out with friends a few times a week, sitting at home at night watching TV basically doing whatever needed to be done. I was just going through the motions. Now though, that is no longer the case. In fact, I now realize it never was my normal.


The last two months, my ex, and now current, boyfriend was here visiting. In those two months, I realized that those times in my life without him were never normal. There was something missing. Normal is being with my boyfriend, having him in my life (on a more regular, boyfriend-like basis), talking to him, listening to his endless fountain of information about anything and everything, watching TV shows with him days after they air, and just spending time with him. I realized that that is how my life should be. That is my normal. He may not be here right now, but he is my normal, and always has been. And somewhere, deep down, I always knew that.

25 Life Lessons

Yesterday was my twenty-fifth birthday, and as I turn a quarter of century old and prepare for a huge change in my life, I cannot help but think about the life lessons that I will take with me. So, in honor of these major life events, I decided to write about these important life lessons I. I have no doubt that there is a vast amount of lessons yet to be learned, but in the meantime, here are those 25 lessons that I will be taking with me (in no particular order):

1. Be yourself. People will love/like you for who you are.

2. Have confidence and be confident. It shows.

3. Do not be afraid to love, to risk your heart and take a chance. It is one of the scariest things you will ever do, but it can end up being one of the best things ever.

4. Don't be afraid to ask questions. It is better to ask questions and get it right in the end, then to mess up because you were too afraid to ask.

5. New experiences are great, but don't forget that the ones in your past are where you learned most of your lessons.

6. The same can be said for friends. Make new friends, but don't forget the old. They helped you get to where you are today.

7. Speaking of friends... "Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support." Lean on them when you need, be there for them when they need. A true best friend is one of a kind.

8. Take care of yourself, inside and out. It is important, more so than you know.

9. Laugh. Whatever happens in life, do not forget to laugh, including at yourself. "Carry laughter with you wherever you go."

10. Do not forget what your passion is. Follow it, live it.

11. Take responsibility for your actions and words.

12. Forgiveness is not for other person, but yourself. Forgive, but you do not have to forget.

13. You are stronger than you think. Much more so.

14. Work hard. Only you can get what you want.

15. We all make mistakes, we are human. "Mistakes are part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way."

16. Trust yourself. Trust your instincts, and what you believe.

17. Enjoy the simple things in life. They are more beautiful, and most times more fleeting, than you realize.

18. Live in the here and now. The past is gone, and the future is yet to come, but now is already here.

19. Slow down long enough to notice the people and things around you.

20. Do not act like a child, but do be child-like.

21. Time does heal all wounds, so give yourself (and time), time.

22. Find something to believe in.

23. Do not take yourself too seriously. No one else does.

24. If we all threw our problems into one big pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

25. Life is what you make of it, so go out, enjoy it, and make the best of it.

Some Things Never Change

Change is good, as scary as it may be at times, change is good. Yet sometimes, it is nice to see that certain things never change.

My ex, and someone whom I still consider one of my closest friends, came in from Israel last Tuesday. In the time he has been here, we have hung out quite a bit. At first I was worried things would be awkward between us; we have not seen each other in almost a year, nor have we seen each other since before we broke up. Yes, we remained friends and still talk, but seeing each other for the first time in almost a year can be a bit nerve racking, at least for me.

I do not know why I was worried, though. It is almost as if he never left. We still hang out, talk, argue, and even do the same things. He still spends the majority of time on his computer, doing G-d knows what. He still leaves his stuff spread out all over the place, among other things. In other words, he is (basically) still the same man I know, the same man I came to love.

However, some things do change. The obvious one-- we are no longer dating. Another, we are both taking our lives in very different directions. He is going into the Israeli army; I am moving and going to be starting law school. And while we both may essentially be the same people, there are subtle changes. The two that stand out the most for me-- he is more mature, and more focused. So while he is still the same man, he is somewhat different. And I am sure I have changed a bit as well, but for that list, you will have to ask him.

Still, it is nice to know, and see, that while some things do change, there are others that never do.

Movin' on Up

In late December, I will be moving up. Well, moving north to be more exact, but that is up. I will moving in order to go to law school. I will be in Michigan, which is only one state away from my family, but for me, it is more than that. For me it means that not only am I finally realizing my dream of going to law school, but it also means that everything has changed, that everything is changing. And while change is good (for the most part, I believe), it is also scary, and for me, this is very scary.

Believe it or not, I have never lived away from home. In fact, I have never been away from home for more than two weeks. I never went away to school or dormed while in college. I stayed put, mostly out of necessity. Financially, it was out of the question. While I could have gotten loans for it, I did not want to do that. I was already going to have loans from college as it was, plus the loans that I would have for law school and living expenses while there, so taking out more loans just to live on campus or near it did not make sense; it was not practical. So I stayed home. Now, though, moving is a necessity. If I want to go to law school (and I do), I have to go to Michigan. I have no choice. You see, the school where I am going is the only school that accepted me. I do not have a choice of which school to attend, because, trust me, if I did, I would chose to stay home as it is financially more feasible. So I am moving, and for the first time in my life, I will not live at home.

Not only will I not be living at home, but I will be completely on my own in every way possible. Yes, I am a very independent person, pay for just about everything myself, and can take care of myself, but like I said, I have always been at home. There has always been someone there (sometimes to my annoyance). Once I move though, there will be no one, except for maybe a roommate, but that will not be the same. I will not have any family or friends there. I will have no support system there; they will be one state away. I will be totally alone. Yes, I am sure I will make some friends, but it will still not be the same. My home, family, and friends will not be there. I will be on my own.

I am excited and scared at the same time. My life as I know it will be changed forever. There are times when I stop whatever I am doing and just think, "Oh my G-d. I am moving," almost as if it has just hit me (at the rate I am going though, it has hit me about twenty times already). But then there are times where I think, "I'm moving,"as if it as natural as breathing. For me though, just the word "moving" has so much connotation because it means so much change. I have about five months before I have to go, and from now until then I have no doubt that my thoughts will be all over the place, including continuing to alternate between "Oh my G-d, I'm moving" and "I'm moving." In the meantime though, there are things to do, decisions to be made, and plans to make before I can move on up and start my new adventure.

Questioning My Sanity

Do you ever look back on something you did or said and think, "What the hell was I thinking?!" I did that a few times today. Every time I thought about this* post I thought that. Mostly, I thought about what my ex would think if and when he read it. That is when I would think "What the hell was I thinking?!" I worried that once he read it that things would change between us, that it would freak him out and make him rethink the friendship, which is not what I want. I still want to be friends with him.

But I worried, wondered why I thought it was a good idea to post it, and thought about taking it down. Then I realized that no matter what happens with him and our friendship, I wrote that for me. I wrote it because I needed to get it out, organize my thoughts and feelings, and sort through all of it. I would have still accomplished that even if I took it down, but doing so would not be keeping true to myself. I am not sure if I can explain it, but no matter what happens, that post needs to stay up. I need to have it up there for me. So up there it remains.




*For those that read the post before, yes, I did edit it and take some things out. I feel they no longer need to be there. They were there in the first place for myself, but I no longer need it all posted.

A New Day

In the hour and a half since my last post, a new day has arrived, in more ways than one for me though. In that time, I have had a tremendous turnaround. I went from feeling shitty, hurt, and lost, to great, hopeful, and found. I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and in fact, in a way, it has. By getting everything down, sorting through it, and organizing my thoughts, I was able to see things more clearly. It was as if I needed to write it down and blog about it in order to move past it.

What I really needed though was to not carry it around inside of me anymore. And I no longer am. I feel as if I set myself free, and that is exactly what I did. While I had talked about it before with some friends, I did not tell them everything. I had trouble saying it all out loud. But I was able to blog about all of it, and that made all the difference. I now know that I can move forward, that I will be able to move forward, heal, and get on with my life. And that is exactly what I am going to do.

Coming to America

In October, my ex is coming back for a month-long visit, and for a friend's wedding. By then, it will have been almost a year and half since he has left, and almost a year since I will have seen him. I am excited, very excited to see him, for while he may not be my boyfriend anymore, I still consider him a very good friend, and it will be great to see my friend.

But I am scared as well. I am scared that everything that I have worked on for months, healing, getting over, and moving on will be gone the instant I see him. And I do not want that. I do not need to be confronted with feelings and emotions so strong that I do not know what to do with them, things I know I can do nothing about. Not to mention I do not want to do that to him, either. But it is going to be hard.

Truth be told though, these feelings have already come up and I have to be honest with myself. I thought I was doing fine, but in the last weeks, I realized I am still in love with him, which really sucks for me since I seem to be the only one. He is seeing someone else now, and I am doing my damn best to move on. But it is hard, and it hurts. Sometimes, I wish I could hate him, or I wish that the relationship ended badly so I would be able to get over it more quickly, more easily. That is not the case though, and honestly, though I may say I wish it were, I do not want that because then we would never be friends, and that I definitely do not want. I am just not sure I can be friends with him right now. It may have worked and been okay for the last five months since we broke up, but I am not sure I can handle it right now. Also, since I am going to see him in four months, it is best that I am past all of this by then as I greatly value our friendship and would not want anything to change it. 

Sometimes, I think it would be easier to deal with all of this if I had someone else, if I was dating another man. Then, I would have him, someone else I am into, focused on, enamored with, and my ex will be just that, my ex. But then I wonder if even having another man will help. I mean, my ex was a huge part of my life, and I loved him. I still do. I always will, and that makes me wonder if I will ever truly be over him. But life goes on, and so will I.


(I know he occasionally reads my blog, so if you are reading this, I am sorry. I do not mean to make this hard for you or to put you in a difficult position; that is the last thing I want, but this is my blog, and I need to say this for me. I hope it doesn't make things weird between us, though.)

Meeting Someone

Since my ex and I broke up he has had three dates (one was a short relationship). I have had none. I do not mention this because I think of it as a competition; I mention it because I am finding it very hard to meet someone. I got lucky with the last two men I dated. In fact, I think of my last two relationship as flukes of some sort. I never intended to meet the two men and date them, but it just happened. I guess you can say I had some good luck and everything sort of fell into my lap.

Now though, I don't know. I have a gut feeling that as easy as those two were to find, this next one, whomever he may be, is going be just as hard (and my gut is always right). This is not because I am picky, or snobby, or anything of the sort. I am not. Yes, I have standards, everyone does, but I do not have an insane amount of criteria, or insane criteria itself, that needs to be met. I just want a nice, Jewish guy who is meant for me.  He is out there. I know it. I just find it ironic that in this day and age, where we have so many ways of meeting someone (the internet, mixers, events, friends, etc.), that I am having a hard time doing so.

I do not want to rush anything, though. I am in no way anxious to get married and settle down. But I do want that someone special, and sometimes I cannot help but wonder if he has already passed me by. Not necessarily one of my exes, but maybe someone I knew or already know. I am happy being single, but like most other singles, I want love in my life. Maybe I should just do what I have done before and not look. It seemed to work out well the last two times.

When Your Stomach Drops

You know the feeling I am referring to- the feeling where everything inside just seems to fall downward. I do not get those moments often, but over the past three or four months I have gotten it more than I would like. I get this feeling whenever my ex tells me he is going on a date or dating someone. The first time he told me, I felt like I was on a roller coaster, when you go down a high drop and your stomach feels like it is dropping with you. Yeah, that is how I felt the first time. It does not hurt to know that he is dating, but for some reason, my stomach just drops when he tells me.

Ok, maybe I do know why. Yes, it is hard to see your ex move on, but what I seem to be struggling with is the image that he is with someone else. It is hard for me to picture anyone else with him but myself. The image of us is still stuck in my head, and it is not because I am jealous, angry, or anything else. It is because when you date someone for two years, you get so used to the image and the idea of the two of you together, that it becomes hard to picture him with anyone else. And who knows, maybe it is hard for him to picture me with someone else. I cannot even picture myself with someone else, yet.

The feeling seems to be fading though, little by little. The more he tells me that he has dates, the less my stomach drops. While I have no idea what these girls look like, it is the image that I am getting used to: him with another girl. However, I cannot wait for the day when my stomach does not drop at all.

The Husband Store

A brand new department store has just opened in New York City that sells husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the following instructions:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you go up. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

One day a woman goes into the store and rather nervously starts climbing the stairs.

When she gets to the 1st floor a sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.
She thinks, "I can do better than that" and keeps going up.

The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have jobs and love kids.
But she goes up another floor.

The 3rd floor sign reads:

Floor 3: These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5: These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help withthe housework and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a Wives store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.

*I wish I could take credit for this, but I cannot. I found this while reading another blog. It can be found here.

Giving Dating Advice to the Ex

I was sitting outside last Friday afternoon pretending to be interested in the "tricks" my seven year old cousin was doing on her scooter when my text message alert went off. Thinking it could only be one of three people (my mom, brother, or best friend), I took some time digging my phone out of my coat pocket. To my surprise, it was none of those three people. It was my ex saying hi and asking me what I was doing. I responded and asked why. His answer was that he wanted to talk and needed some advice, and asked if he could call later. I said he could call when I got home and that I would let him know when.

Fast forward two hours. We are on the phone, talking. He says he has something to tell me. He lets me know that he is dating someone, and then tells me he needs some advice on that. He went into more detail, told me more about the girl and the situation, and I gave him my thoughts and opinions. We continued to talk for about ten more minutes, then I had to go. (I am not going to go into detail about the dating or advice; it is not my place and you readers do not need to know those details for the rest of this post.)

Anyway, it got me to thinking. Is giving dating advice to an ex a bad idea? Should an ex even ask you for dating advice, or is that a line that should not be crossed? And if the two of you are still friends, is it weird or normal to ask? There is no right or wrong answer. It really depends on the dynamics the two people have as exes, and as friends after the break-up. Yes, it can be awkward, but I choose not think of it that way. I choose to look at it as that we are friends now and that is what friends do--ask advice from each other. In fact, my first thought when finding out he wanted dating advice from me was that he came to me for it. For me, that speaks volumes. It means that not only does he still value me as a friend, but that he trusts me, that I am still someone he can turn to when he needs to talk and needs advice. Not everyone can remain friends with their ex after a break-up, but for those that can, this is the kind of friendship I wish for them.

Moving On Again

Moving on after a breakup is not easy, at all. A person needs time to heal, mend his or her heart, and adjust. Some people are able to move on after a short period; some are not. And some try to move on before they are ready, sometimes without realizing that they are not ready.

That is what I did. I let myself heal and adjust a bit, and then I tried moving on. I started looking for the next guy. I asked friends if they knew of anyone for me, and when I came up empty, I joined a few Jewish dating sites. I met and talked to some guys, most of whom are really very nice, sweet men that I enjoyed talking to. But...(There is always a "but" isn't there?)

But I kept going back to him. My ex. I thought of him when talking to those guys, compared them to him. I could not help but go back to him, and it bothered me, really bothered me. Maybe it is normal, but I cannot help but wonder, why do I keep thinking of him? Does this mean that I have not moved on? Am I not over him like I thought? Am I not ready to move on?

I am ready to move on. I know I am. But maybe I am not quite over him yet, which is normal. Yes, it is better than it was, but not complete. We were together for two years; if I got over him so quickly then either the relationship was not as good as I thought, I did not love him as much as I thought, or else there is something wrong with me. But I know that none of those are the case. Yet, there is a part of me that feels that the only way I will completely move on and get over him is to actually move on, to be in another relationship. In other words, maybe I need a "rebound."