The Witching Hour

Many people, usually mothers, commonly refer to their most challenging time of day as "The Witching Hour." It is that time of day (or night) when everything is chaotic, the kids are not cooperating, and nothing seems to be going right. Lately, I have been referring to a certain time of night as my "witching hour." It is that time of night when I start to breakdown, slowly losing my resolve and my optimism.

The time it begins usually varies, but I can always feel it creeping it up on me between 7PM and 8PM, and then the later it gets, the stronger it gets, until I give in. I just break. I have a mini (or full blown) meltdown, like the one I had a few posts ago. Some nights are better than others. Some nights it does not hit me as hard, and some nights it is more of a punch than a hit, as you have seen. It is on those nights that I question whether or not I can survive this, and it is on those nights that I know I cannot.

I try to distract myself, and it usually works, at least for awhile. It helps if I have something to do, like reading and briefing cases, or watching shows online or on TV, or talking to my friend or my mom. Sometimes, when I feel it coming and coming strong, I purposely bury those feelings and thoughts and force myself to concentrate on whatever it is that I am doing. But other times, no matter what I do, nothing works.

I have come to realize that the way I feel at night, the questioning and doubting, is just an exaggeration of the way I occasionally feel during the day. During the day I feel more positive; I am more positive. It is then that I think, "OK, three years is not a big deal. It'll fly by. I can do this," and I believe it. But then night comes, and I start doubting myself, and the later it gets, the less doubt I have that I can do it and the more conviction I have that I cannot do it. I think that deep down, even when I am optimistic, I know that I will struggle greatly to get through this and that it will be extremely difficult for me, but at the same time, I also know I do not have another choice.