The Truth About Law School

"The first year they scare you to death, the second year they work you to death, the third year they bore you to death."

Law school is like nothing I have experienced before. Ever. And it is nothing like Legally Blonde, either. Getting into law school is hard, but it is nothing compared to what law school is actually like. The amount of work, pressure, and stress is tremendous, especially during the first year. There is enough to keep a student busy twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, and if I let it, it would. Here is a list of some of the things I have learned in my two terms (so far) in law school. As time goes on, I will add to it.

1. The Socratic Method: Scary as hell, but once you've done it a few times, it's really not that bad. Unless you don't know what you're talking about, or haven't read the case. Then be scared. Very scared.

2. You will read more in one week than you ever thought possible.

3. Forget the way you took tests in college or other graduate schools. You will never take a test the same way again.

4. Nor will you ever think the same way again.

5. You will drink (alcohol, obviously) more in one week than you ever have. (But don't become a drunk or an alcoholic. That will only ruin your chances to succeed.)

6. When you get to law school, you will understand why law students and lawyers drink.

7. The law will become your life. You will start thinking of it (almost) all the time.

8. For everything you hear in normal, every day life, you will wonder how you can apply what you learned, in any of your classes, to it.

9. Your sleep schedule is shot to hell. In fact, the words "sleep"and "schedule" will not go together for the three years you are in law school.

10. You will be broke. Living of of loans is a killer, especially if you love to shop (which I do).

11. You will either hate the library or love it.

12. Outlines will become your enemy. They are the devil, especially when Microsoft Word does not cooperate.

13. Your ability to BS anything and everything will skyrocket. You will become adept at it.

14. You will threaten to drop out at least once a week. Probably more than that, actually.

15. If you don't threaten to drop out at least once a week, something is wrong with you. You are enjoying law school too much.

16. If you are enjoying law school, there is something wrong with you. Feel free to enjoy a class or a few classes, but if, overall, you enjoy school, there is something wrong.

17. Asking for help does not make you stupid. It shows that you want to succeed in school.

18. You cannot succeed in law school unless you ask for help.

19. You will become excellent at glancing at cases and picking out the rule(s) of law in seconds. But you still have to read the whole case.

20. Google, Facebook, Twitter, or whatever other websites you frequent will become your best friend(s) during classes, but it's still important to listen (at least with one ear).

21. Do not give up. Law school will test you like you have never been tested before, but do not give up and do not give in. It is designed this way for a reason. You may hate it, and trust me, you will hate it, but do not let it get to you (at least not too much). There is nothing wrong with deciding that it is not for you, but if keep your resolve, your passion, your determination, you can make it. Law school is what you make of it.

Cut Out

Grades from first term are slowly trickling in, though they are all due by next week. As I look at them, I slowly see my dream slipping away with each grade, and it terrifies me. Did I fight so hard to get into law school only to have my schools' harsh policies kick me out? No, of course not. However, I might not have a choice. Do I chalk it up to it being my first term? I could, but there is no way to know for sure if that is the is the case.

At the same time though, I wonder if it is a sign--maybe law school is not for me. Maybe this is not what I am meant to do with my life. Just because you want something and are interested in it, does not mean that you should do it. I wonder if that applies to me. But then I also wonder if having extended time would have made a difference. Or studying more, or using a different study method, or studying earlier. There are so many factors that go into it; so many variables that it is hard to tell if changing one of them, or any of them, will make a difference, because, like I said, maybe it is not the factors. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I am just not cut out for this.

I do know that I did the best I could at the time. But sometimes my best is not enough, as the case might be. That means that I have to step up my game this term, which I will. In the meantime though, I cannot help but wonder if I am cut out for this.

Where I'm Supposed To Be

"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart...Pursue those."-Michael Nolan 

Years ago, thirteen to be exact, I decided that I wanted to be a lawyer. I have no idea what made me decide that, if anything specific sparked my interest, I just remember deciding it one day. It was my passion, my dream, and I worked extremely hard to achieve it. Yet, here I am now, wondering if this is where I am supposed to be.

A week ago, I started my second term as a law student, and honestly, I am struggling. Not because the work is hard (though it is), not because there is just so much work to do in any given week (though there is), and not because I miss my family, boyfriend, and friends (though I do). I struggle because the passion that I had coming into this five months ago is no longer there. It is gone. I have absolutely no desire to do this anymore, and the only reason I am here is due to obligations, responsibilities, and the difficulties that would arise should I decide to leave. Granted, there are times when I will be in class and something will greatly spark my interest (something not on the Internet), but then I come home, back to my apartment, where I have to sit down and do my work, and it will be the last thing I want to do. It used to be that I did not mind doing it at all, sometimes I even wanted to do it, and that while reading for school, I would find certain things interesting, even in a class I hated (ahem, property). Now though, I do the work because I have to, and sometimes I have to really force myself to do it. The passion is just no longer there. 

I was telling my boyfriend this the Saturday before school started. Actually, I was telling him how I did not want to do this anymore, and trying to explain that the passion was not there. I also refused to go back, may have even stamped my foot a few times while saying it (not that he could see). It was the last thing I wanted. But he refused to let me do that. He made me promise that I would give it two weeks, so I have until this coming Sunday to fulfill my promise. By then, I will have had two weeks to readjust, rediscover my passion, think this over, and hopefully decide what to do, what I want to do. But it is five days away and I still have no idea. 

People wonder, rightly so, whether or not this has to do with my boyfriend, and as much as I want to say no, I cannot. Of course he has something to do with this. He is in Israel, I am here. He has thirteen months of service left in the army there (which he may extend), I have three years left here. At the very least, it will be a year before we can be together, and if I know my boyfriend, it will probably longer because I am sure he will want to extend. And I am not going to ask him to not do that, for me. But more than just the fact that we are apart, it also has a lot to do with just wanting him here to be with me, to support me, encourage me, and just be here. There is only so long I can do this alone. Only so long before it gets to me. 

I know I am not really alone. I have good friends here, and family and close friends a four drive away. But as much as I love everyone here and back home, it is different. Having friends and family close is great, but having the one you love with you is even greater. There is nothing like having the person you love with you on the journey you are taking, during stressful and overwhelming times, in your corner, cheering you on. Or just knowing that when you walk in the door, he or she is going to be there (and if you are lucky, with dinner ready on the table). Knowing that he is here, with me, can make all the difference in the world. 

But that is a smaller aspect of this mess. The larger aspect is, like I said, the lack of passion. If it is not there, then why am I here? Why am I wasting my time, energy, brain cells, and money on this? I wonder, how does that kind of passion disappear in the span of five months? Not to mention, if I do not have the passion for it, then I am not motivated to do well, which will be a disaster when it comes time to find a job. As I sit and wonder where the passion went, the passion that I had for thirteen years, I wonder if this is not a sign from the universe or G-d. Maybe I am not supposed to be here, at least not right now. Maybe I am supposed to be elsewhere. Maybe this was all to lead me to where else I am supposed to be (though it would be helpful if G-d or the universe would give me a hint as to where that is). 

Then I think to myself, if I am supposed to be elsewhere, why I am so unsure of where that is? Why is it so hard to get there? My mom has always said that if something was bashert (meant to be), that it would not be so difficult, it would be easier to get there. Everything would work out. Yet I feel so confused, so lost. I feel that everything is a mess and that nothing is working out. This is not the way things were supposed to be. This was not how my life was supposed to turn out. 

I know I do not have to decide anything now, but the more time that passes, the more involved I am and the later it gets to do anything about it this term. The more I consider my options, the more I lean towards sticking it out this term, and, if I still feel the same way next term, maybe I will take it off, think about what I really want, without having to juggle school at the same time. In the meantime though, I am staying here, because right now, more than anything, I need to believe that this is where I am supposed to be. 

Living the Dream

And wanting to run away from it. I am doing what I have always wanted to do, what I have dreamed of doing for twelve years, and lately, all I want to do is quit. I want to run back home, back where I don't have the immense amount of pressure, stress, and work that I do here. Where I can go back to my part-time job while I try to figure out what else to do with my life. (Journalism, maybe. See? I've given this some serious thought already. I've even seriously considered moving to Israel and doing something there, but what I have no idea.)

But I don't run, anywhere. I stay here and tell myself that this is my dream. This is what I fought to be able to do for two years. This is why I moved away from my family and friends, from everything I have ever known. How many people get to live out their dream? I am one of the lucky ones, I know that. But I still cannot help but think that maybe I am not cut out for this. Maybe, just maybe, this is not right for me after all. Just because you want to do something, doesn't mean you should do it. Then I ask myself if I really believe that, if I really believe I am not cut out for law school, and I say "no." Truth be told, though, I do love (most of) this. Granted, some classes make me want to shoot myself or the book (property law anyone?), and reading cases can be extremely boring, but there are some classes and subjects I really do enjoy.

I realized recently that part of the reason I want to go home is because, aside from the stress, once my best friend moves back I will be all alone here, and as much as I like living alone, I'm still alone. There is no one here, physically, to give me comfort, to talk to, or just be here with me. Yes, I have friends here from school, and as great as some of them are, it's not the same. They are not family, not my boyfriend, or friends that I have known most of my life.

Everyone keeps telling me to give it a year, especially current and former law students. And I will. I knew before I got here that this was going to be extremely hard and stressful, and I still have those nagging doubts all the time, especially when I'm feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and pressured. But I also know myself, and I know that if I really did think that I could not do this or if I really wanted out, I would be out by now. I would not be hemming and hawing over it; it would be done. Yet, it's not, and I am still here, living the dream.

The Witching Hour

Many people, usually mothers, commonly refer to their most challenging time of day as "The Witching Hour." It is that time of day (or night) when everything is chaotic, the kids are not cooperating, and nothing seems to be going right. Lately, I have been referring to a certain time of night as my "witching hour." It is that time of night when I start to breakdown, slowly losing my resolve and my optimism.

The time it begins usually varies, but I can always feel it creeping it up on me between 7PM and 8PM, and then the later it gets, the stronger it gets, until I give in. I just break. I have a mini (or full blown) meltdown, like the one I had a few posts ago. Some nights are better than others. Some nights it does not hit me as hard, and some nights it is more of a punch than a hit, as you have seen. It is on those nights that I question whether or not I can survive this, and it is on those nights that I know I cannot.

I try to distract myself, and it usually works, at least for awhile. It helps if I have something to do, like reading and briefing cases, or watching shows online or on TV, or talking to my friend or my mom. Sometimes, when I feel it coming and coming strong, I purposely bury those feelings and thoughts and force myself to concentrate on whatever it is that I am doing. But other times, no matter what I do, nothing works.

I have come to realize that the way I feel at night, the questioning and doubting, is just an exaggeration of the way I occasionally feel during the day. During the day I feel more positive; I am more positive. It is then that I think, "OK, three years is not a big deal. It'll fly by. I can do this," and I believe it. But then night comes, and I start doubting myself, and the later it gets, the less doubt I have that I can do it and the more conviction I have that I cannot do it. I think that deep down, even when I am optimistic, I know that I will struggle greatly to get through this and that it will be extremely difficult for me, but at the same time, I also know I do not have another choice.

Routine

It's funny how your whole life can change in a day, yet your day to day routine can change very little with it. I completely uprooted myself, changed my life, where I live, and yet, my routine in the mornings and nights have stayed the same. I still go straight for the coffee pot when I get up in the morning, then take a shower, get dressed and ready, and proceed with my day. At night, I still stay holed up in my room (though now for different reasons), occasionally venturing out to watch TV and eat, and I still stay up late.

However, while my day to day morning and night routines have not changed, the rest of it has. Unlike college where a person goes to same classes multiple times a week, I only go to each of my classes once a week. Each day is a different class, different professor, different subject, and while that is routine for the week, it is not routine for every day, and for me, that is a good thing. Honestly, if I had to take the same classes multiple times a week, I think I would go nuts from the monotony of it.

Yet, each night after class, I do the same thing. I do my work, though I work on a different subject almost every night, I usually do spend the same nights week to week working on the same subject. And sometimes, I do spend more than one night on a subject. I do have somewhat of a routine here; I fell into one here the same way I fell into one back home. It is just a different one, and it varies a bit day to day, which is good for me since I hate doing the same thing day in and day out. Routine is nice, but variation is even nicer.

Mini-Meltdown

My last blog post was me having a mini-meltdown. I seem to be prone to them these days, having them at least once a week. They always come at night, but that is because nights are usually my worst, especially if it is late at night. Since my life these days consists of not going to sleep before 3AM (thank you, law school), I have many of those late nights, and if I am lucky and get completely exhausted, I will have a mini-meltdown. Or even a full-blown meltdown. Either way, I cry my heart (and eyes) out. You lucky readers, got to see one of those meltdowns last night.

I have no doubt that there will be more mini-meltdowns, probably even full-blown ones too, but, unlike in my last post, I know I can survive, and not just the meltdowns, but everything else as well. Yesterday, a friends' friend (who does not know me at all, and in fact, just met me) called me a "strong, stubborn, SOB." The way I figure it, if he can say that about me after just meeting me and only talking with me for an hour, then there must be some truth to it. (My boyfriend was kind enough to concur when I told him.) And since I am a strong, stubborn, SOB, I know I will make it through this. I know we will make it through this (because he is a strong, stubborn SOB as well).

My New Beginning

I believe everyone deserves a new beginning in life, a fresh start, and as I write this, I am in the midst of mine.

I am sitting in my (fairly) new room, in Michigan, with my law school books spread out around me. I have been here for a month, and while I acclimated and adjusted well, I still have moments where I will look around and think, "This is my new life," and wonder how I got here. Never in a million years did I think I would go away for law school; I was never the type to just up and move away. I am still not that type. Yet, here I am, in my own apartment, going to law school, making new friends (but keeping the old), and truly being an adult. And it is everything I ever dreamed it would be (minus one thing--my boyfriend).

Yes, there is an insane amount of work to do; yes, it is extremely stressful; yes, I miss my family; yes, there are a lot of late nights and threats to drop out (my boyfriend can testify to that); and yes, sometimes I cannot fathom the thought that this will be my life for the next three years (in a bad way), but honestly, despite all of that, I love it. Ok, I do not love the amount of work (or the work itself always), but I love everything else about it.

I love class and learning about the law. I love being on my own, being fully responsible for myself. I love making new friends and hanging out with them. I love being able to go out and not having to tell anyone. I love not having to answer to anyone (except myself). I love it all.  This is my new beginning. 

My Greatest Adventure (Yet)

Today will mark the beginning of my greatest adventure yet. It is the beginning of many things. I head off to law school today, but not just that; it marks the beginning of my living completely on my own, being completely independent, and being away from home for a long period of time. I will also be in a new city and state, too.

I know this is something I have always dreamed of, but I am not going to lie, I am scared. Terrified, actually. All of these firsts, and I will be completely alone. When I need family and friends with me the most, my first day of law school, I will be alone. But everyone keeps telling me that I am strong, that I can do this, that I can handle it all, and in my good moments, I believe them. In my bad moments, well, that is when I need them the most. But they are only a phone call away. Either way, this is something I need to do for myself. I need to find out if law is right for me, and I need to find out that, as terrifying as it may be, that I can do this.

So, here's to my greatest my adventure, yet.

They Come in Threes

There is a saying, "All good things come in threes." Others say that bad things come in threes. I would say that whether good or bad, major events tend to come in threes. In the span of one month, I will have had three major life events happen. The first one already has happened. My boyfriend left to go back to Israel. The next one, occurring in a week, will be my moving to a completely new city and state. Finally, the third will be starting law school.

Before any of them had even happened yet, I was fine. Since my boyfriend leaving was the first event, it hit me hard. I had a great deal of trouble adjusting to it, mainly because he was gone and I miss him terribly, but I also think that a little bit of what I was feeling was reality hitting me. As I said, before he left I was fine. Before he left, all three things were still in the future, about to happen. I knew they were coming, but they had yet to happen. None of it was real. Then my boyfriend left, and the first bit of reality hit me. He really did leave. Then it was real, and that made the next two events real as well. I really am moving. I really am starting law school. All it took was for one piece of reality to hit me, and the rest came crumbling down right after it.

I knew none of them would be easy for me. The first one certainly was not. In fact, by the time everything is over, the first one will probably have been the hardest of the three, with law school coming in as a close second. I do know though, that the next two are scary. I am not so scared of moving to a new city or state and truly being on my own for the first time; what I am scared of is law school-- the work load, the effort it will take, but mostly, whether or not I will be able to handle it, whether or not I will succeed. It is all coming threes, and sometimes, that is not a bad thing at all, but in my case, I just wish they would have spaced themselves out a little better.