Living the Dream

And wanting to run away from it. I am doing what I have always wanted to do, what I have dreamed of doing for twelve years, and lately, all I want to do is quit. I want to run back home, back where I don't have the immense amount of pressure, stress, and work that I do here. Where I can go back to my part-time job while I try to figure out what else to do with my life. (Journalism, maybe. See? I've given this some serious thought already. I've even seriously considered moving to Israel and doing something there, but what I have no idea.)

But I don't run, anywhere. I stay here and tell myself that this is my dream. This is what I fought to be able to do for two years. This is why I moved away from my family and friends, from everything I have ever known. How many people get to live out their dream? I am one of the lucky ones, I know that. But I still cannot help but think that maybe I am not cut out for this. Maybe, just maybe, this is not right for me after all. Just because you want to do something, doesn't mean you should do it. Then I ask myself if I really believe that, if I really believe I am not cut out for law school, and I say "no." Truth be told, though, I do love (most of) this. Granted, some classes make me want to shoot myself or the book (property law anyone?), and reading cases can be extremely boring, but there are some classes and subjects I really do enjoy.

I realized recently that part of the reason I want to go home is because, aside from the stress, once my best friend moves back I will be all alone here, and as much as I like living alone, I'm still alone. There is no one here, physically, to give me comfort, to talk to, or just be here with me. Yes, I have friends here from school, and as great as some of them are, it's not the same. They are not family, not my boyfriend, or friends that I have known most of my life.

Everyone keeps telling me to give it a year, especially current and former law students. And I will. I knew before I got here that this was going to be extremely hard and stressful, and I still have those nagging doubts all the time, especially when I'm feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and pressured. But I also know myself, and I know that if I really did think that I could not do this or if I really wanted out, I would be out by now. I would not be hemming and hawing over it; it would be done. Yet, it's not, and I am still here, living the dream.