Where I'm Supposed To Be

"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart...Pursue those."-Michael Nolan 

Years ago, thirteen to be exact, I decided that I wanted to be a lawyer. I have no idea what made me decide that, if anything specific sparked my interest, I just remember deciding it one day. It was my passion, my dream, and I worked extremely hard to achieve it. Yet, here I am now, wondering if this is where I am supposed to be.

A week ago, I started my second term as a law student, and honestly, I am struggling. Not because the work is hard (though it is), not because there is just so much work to do in any given week (though there is), and not because I miss my family, boyfriend, and friends (though I do). I struggle because the passion that I had coming into this five months ago is no longer there. It is gone. I have absolutely no desire to do this anymore, and the only reason I am here is due to obligations, responsibilities, and the difficulties that would arise should I decide to leave. Granted, there are times when I will be in class and something will greatly spark my interest (something not on the Internet), but then I come home, back to my apartment, where I have to sit down and do my work, and it will be the last thing I want to do. It used to be that I did not mind doing it at all, sometimes I even wanted to do it, and that while reading for school, I would find certain things interesting, even in a class I hated (ahem, property). Now though, I do the work because I have to, and sometimes I have to really force myself to do it. The passion is just no longer there. 

I was telling my boyfriend this the Saturday before school started. Actually, I was telling him how I did not want to do this anymore, and trying to explain that the passion was not there. I also refused to go back, may have even stamped my foot a few times while saying it (not that he could see). It was the last thing I wanted. But he refused to let me do that. He made me promise that I would give it two weeks, so I have until this coming Sunday to fulfill my promise. By then, I will have had two weeks to readjust, rediscover my passion, think this over, and hopefully decide what to do, what I want to do. But it is five days away and I still have no idea. 

People wonder, rightly so, whether or not this has to do with my boyfriend, and as much as I want to say no, I cannot. Of course he has something to do with this. He is in Israel, I am here. He has thirteen months of service left in the army there (which he may extend), I have three years left here. At the very least, it will be a year before we can be together, and if I know my boyfriend, it will probably longer because I am sure he will want to extend. And I am not going to ask him to not do that, for me. But more than just the fact that we are apart, it also has a lot to do with just wanting him here to be with me, to support me, encourage me, and just be here. There is only so long I can do this alone. Only so long before it gets to me. 

I know I am not really alone. I have good friends here, and family and close friends a four drive away. But as much as I love everyone here and back home, it is different. Having friends and family close is great, but having the one you love with you is even greater. There is nothing like having the person you love with you on the journey you are taking, during stressful and overwhelming times, in your corner, cheering you on. Or just knowing that when you walk in the door, he or she is going to be there (and if you are lucky, with dinner ready on the table). Knowing that he is here, with me, can make all the difference in the world. 

But that is a smaller aspect of this mess. The larger aspect is, like I said, the lack of passion. If it is not there, then why am I here? Why am I wasting my time, energy, brain cells, and money on this? I wonder, how does that kind of passion disappear in the span of five months? Not to mention, if I do not have the passion for it, then I am not motivated to do well, which will be a disaster when it comes time to find a job. As I sit and wonder where the passion went, the passion that I had for thirteen years, I wonder if this is not a sign from the universe or G-d. Maybe I am not supposed to be here, at least not right now. Maybe I am supposed to be elsewhere. Maybe this was all to lead me to where else I am supposed to be (though it would be helpful if G-d or the universe would give me a hint as to where that is). 

Then I think to myself, if I am supposed to be elsewhere, why I am so unsure of where that is? Why is it so hard to get there? My mom has always said that if something was bashert (meant to be), that it would not be so difficult, it would be easier to get there. Everything would work out. Yet I feel so confused, so lost. I feel that everything is a mess and that nothing is working out. This is not the way things were supposed to be. This was not how my life was supposed to turn out. 

I know I do not have to decide anything now, but the more time that passes, the more involved I am and the later it gets to do anything about it this term. The more I consider my options, the more I lean towards sticking it out this term, and, if I still feel the same way next term, maybe I will take it off, think about what I really want, without having to juggle school at the same time. In the meantime though, I am staying here, because right now, more than anything, I need to believe that this is where I am supposed to be.