It has been a little over a week since my boyfriend and I broke up, and while I am doing fine, there are times I am not. There are times I really miss him, even if he is not here. I miss knowing that he was mine, that he was there for me if I needed it, having that someone special to talk to, though he is 7,000 miles away. Those times when I miss him I think about what he is doing now, following his dream, living a whole other life I am no longer a part of, a life I can no longer touch or see. A life in which he is truly happy.
Then I wonder, "Is he being happy with someone else? Is there someone else (yet)?" As I think that, I also pray that there is not. While I want him to be happy, to live his life in a way that makes him happy, I do not want him to do so with another girl. With me, fine, great even. But I do not want him being with anyone else. It reminds me of the saying, "If I can't have him, no one else can!" And better yet, I hope, pray, that he thinking the same thing as me. That the thought of me being with someone else just turns his stomach and makes his heart ache.
A friend has told me a few time that my ex is a "serial monogamist." I'm not sure this is completely true, but it does make sense. He has had a series of monogamous relationships, some of them one right after another, but not all of them have been short term (as the link suggests). To me, he does not go out looking for them. They just tend to fall right into his lap (as I did). And I'm worried that is what is going to happen to him in Israel. That he will not be looking for one, but it will just happen, and in a short period of time as well. I do not want that, at all. To be honest, I want him to pine over me the way I do over him at times.
However, I know this is not realistic. I know that we will both move on, find other people, and continue to be happy in whatever life brings us. I just hope to G-d that I do it first.
7 comments:
I certainly don't have a history with any girl like you do with your ex, but it seems to me that if you really loved, and cared about him, you would want him to be happy, even if it wasn't with you. Just my two cents.
Dan- Have you ever been in a long-term, serious relationship? I tend to think that if you have, you'd understand more of what I'm saying. I did say I want him to be happy, and I really do. But as I explained, there is also a part of me that would just like to be the first one who moves on, who finds someone else.
No, I really haven't. And part of me is glad, because it means I haven't had to experience the pain that you have, but most of me wishes I had been, because it means I have missed out on the extraordinary highs that you two got to experience.
Relationships are never easy, but somehow they always seem worth it. I know that it has been hard for you since he has left and I honestly think that you are handling it very well. It's clear that you want him to be happy. It's hard because you guys shared a lot and now it feels weird not being that close to him, but it's also clear that he still wants you to be a part of his life. Either way, I am always here for you for any kind of support you need.
Dan-Having a relationship is a great thing, but it can also give you some of the most heartbreaking times you'll ever experience. I only wish you happiness in your relationship, whenever that is.
Abby- Thanks. I'll always want him to be a part of my life as well. It's hard to be that close to a person for so long, and then not have them be anything. But I really do wish him all the happiness in the world, even if it's not with me.
Well you get an A for honesty! I read your post and appreciated and scoffed at it in turns. But it is you processing your feelings - good for you for working through it.
And as for your ex-bf, a quote from Emily Dickinson: "The heart wants what it wants, or else it does not care."
Beautiful Mind- I like the quote, but this heart will always care. I;m curious: What parts did you appreciate and what parts did you scoff at?
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