“Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.” -Anonymous
“Remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons. Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible.” -Cherie Carter-Scott
Life is full of choices. Yet, it the hard ones that we remember, that we agonize over, wondering what to do, and if what we choose is the right decision. I have had to make some very tough decisions in my life, but none seem more difficult than the ones that deal with love, and in my case, losing it. But who said love was easy, right?
My boyfriend and I had a long, honest conversation with each other tonight. It was tense and awkward in some moments, both of us thinking the same thing, and knowing the other was thinking it too, but not wanting to say it out loud. Not wanting to admit it. We were both thinking of breaking up, but neither one of us could let go, was willing to let go. At least, I know I was not and I do not think he was either. So, we decided to be in a open relationship (thanks to my brilliant idea), meaning that if someone comes along for one or both of us that we want to date, we are free to try, but have to tell the other about it.
I will be honest here, I hate this arrangement, absolutely hate it. I have no idea what I was thinking when I suggested it. (Ok, I do know what I was thinking.) I am willing to give it a try because it is a heck of a lot better than the other option, breaking up. I cannot lose him. I just cannot. Maybe I am delaying the inevitable, I don't know. But right now, all I know is that I am not ready to give up, I am not ready to let go. Maybe it is unfair to both of us, especially in the long run, but if I read him correctly, he is not willing to let go either. So it was either staying together in some form or breaking up. I took (what I consider to be) the lesser of two evils.
As I was thinking about this tonight, the more I thought about it, the more I seriously considered moving there, forever, if that is what he wants. I always said I could never live there, but that I could probably do it for a year or two, provided I knew that we were definitely coming back. But tonight I actually considered moving there forever. Never before had I thought that, or even seriously considered it. It would require a huge sacrifice on my part, huge. I would be leaving everything here, everything that means something to me, everything that I am attached to, life as I know it, and honestly, I am not sure I could even do that, if I have it in me to do that. If it came to that though, I would try because it means that I would be with him.
3 comments:
Jill, I usually support your decisions; and I understand that this was a very hard one to make, but, I don't see how being in an open relationship really benefits anybody here. Do you really think you can be in a relationship with somebody else, AND him at the same time? Is that fair to you, the guy here, or the guy there? It doesn't sound very fair to me for any of you guys. I understand, its not easy making decisions sometimes, especially when we don't like either option. But, just because choice A and choice B are seemingly bad, doesn't mean we can just choose C, which often times is just worse than either A or B. I seriously think this will only end up in heartbreak and tears, and while I'll be a shoulder to cry on if and when you need me, I can't say that I agree with this choice, for whatever my opinion is worth to you.
Dan, you're misunderstanding here. If and when one of finds someone else and wants to give it a try, our relationship is over. We would NOT be dating two people at once. Never would I do that.
Also, like I said, I may be delaying the inevitable, but for right now, with everything else that is going on in my life, I don't need to be dealing with a break-up and getting over it. Not to mention, it's not what I want. We're going to take it one day at a time and see where things go. All I know is that I can't just break-up right now knowing that I didn't try everything in my power to stay together. IN the end, I'd rather live with a break-up than live with a "what if."
Ok, I apologize for misreading the fine print, about dating two people at once, I should know you both better than that. I also understand you want to do everything in your power to stay together; but maybe this is a great chance, with everything that is going on in your life, to figure out what makes Jill, Jill. And to grow, and be strengthened, and find some kind of strength you never knew existed, because you never had to use it before. When working out, I'll never grow stronger, if I never challenge my muscles to do something that is hard for them. Perhaps, that is what Hashem is trying to say. "I want you, Jill, to grow, and I know that the best way to do it, is to challenge you, because I know in the end, that you can succeed. Because, if you couldn't, I, Hashem, wouldn't challenge you." Sometimes, we are met with challenges in life, that we don't want to deal with, but in the end, we grow and learn from them. But, again, I'm here for you in the end.
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