For almost six months I have been in a long distance relationship. I will be honest: it has not been easy, at all, but I stay because I love him and cannot imagine not being with him. A part of me also stayed in the hopes that he would be coming back sooner than what expected, even though another part of me knew that was not going to happen.
However, while I was in Israel, my boyfriend found out that he is for sure accepted into the Israeli army, and, that between basic training, advanced training, and with how long he wants to be in the army, he could be in Israel for at least another two years. Two years. I know I have talked about this before, but that was before some more things changed. Before we a better idea of how long it would take. Nothing was concrete then. It was all possibilities. And while nothing is really concrete now, except for the fact that he is in the army, it is more concrete than it was before. The possibility that he will be there for at least another two years (more maybe) is more of a probability now. Not to mention, he may want to stay there after his stint in the army is over.
So, now I have to face the question that I knew I would eventually have to face. Do I wait for him, or do I let go and attempt to move on with my life?
I have no idea what I am going to do. I know what I want to do, but doing it would be asking a lot of myself. It would be one thing to wait for him, stay with him, if I knew it was only going to be a certain amount of time. That I think I could deal with, knowing that he would come back, knowing that there is future with him. But him not knowing if he may want to stay after the army is over, that is what I am not sure about. What if I stay with him, and after two years he decides he wants to stay? I have already said that I know I do not want to live there, and I do not see that ever changing. If I stay and wait, and he then decides he wants to live in Israel, I will have to do then what I am thinking of doing now--breaking up.
Another thing I have been thinking about lately is whether or not I am cut out for a long distance relationship. It is hard, very hard. I am no longer sure I can handle not being a part of his life, not talking to him or seeing him often. I am no longer sure I can handle (almost) always being the one to initiate communication. I am not sure I can handle having an uncertain future. I am not sure anymore whether I can handle any of it. Yet, at the same time, I am not sure I can handle life without him, even if he is 8,000 miles away. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. But I have to do what is best for me, and I know that. I just need to decide if a broken heart is what is best, or if staying with someone with an uncertain future is what is best. In other words, do I put off what I know will be certain heartbreak now for possible heartbreak in the future? Do I stay and take a chance that when he is done he will return? Better yet, can I stay knowing that there is the possibility he will not come back, and if not, can I even deal with not being with him?
2 comments:
I am really bad myself with relationships, seeing as how I haven't been in one since March/April of 2007, and it is now 2010. Granted I was in Israel for a year and now I am in Yeshiva, but still, my suggestion to you is this and I feel I can make it since I know both of you a bit, is that as great a guy as he is, do you really want to put your life on hold for two or more years for him? When he may not be coming back? How hard will it be then? How much greater will the hurt be then? Whereas if you break up now,you have two years to figure out who you are, where you want to go, and find other really great guys who just happen to be more local, to go out with. And, if you break up with him now, and in two years he DOES come back, and you are single, you can see if the flame relights. But you might find that you two are very different people not meant to be together in the end. And if not, then you are one step closer to the one Hashem has in mind for you. Either way, I support your decision, and hatzlacha when making it.
Daniel, you're right, and I know that. I've told myself the exact same things more times than I care to count. Yet, I am still here. It's hard, very hard to leave. Maybe I'm doing a disservice to myself by not leaving, but like I said, I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can deal with it. But also, if I ever come to the decision to do so, I know that it will be the right decision at the right time in my life.
Thanks for the advice and support. It really does mean a lot.
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