My Bad Habit

Admit it: You have a bad habit. We all do. In fact, some of us probably have more than one. And that is fine. It is human nature to have a bad habit or two. Some people crack their knuckles, some chew on ice, some play with or chew their hair, and some bite their nails, like me. Granted, that list is not all-inclusive, but I think you get the idea. We all have bad habits.

As I just mentioned above, I bite my nails, and pick at my toenails at times (it is actually called onychophagia). I have ever since I can remember. There is even a picture of me when I was about nine months old lying on the changing table, with my foot in my mouth, attempting to chew on one of my toenails. Needless to say, I started early. Now, twenty-fours years later, I am still doing it, though sometimes I do not even realize I am doing it. I am no longer lying on a changing table, nor do I stick my feet in my mouth, but I still bite and pick my nails. It drives me absolutely bananas. And it really pisses me off.

I hate looking at my nails, seeing the little nubs of my fingers, with the even smaller nubs of my finger nails. (OK, that is not true. My nails are not that short, but they are not long and beautiful either.) Over the past ten years I have tried everything, really, everything, to stop biting my nails. You name it, I have (in all probability) tried it. Nothing has worked. Or maybe it worked temporarily, but in the end, I always go back to the tried and true--biting my nails.

I have read quite a bit on this over the years, and everything I have read so far says that nail biting is a reaction to stress, anxiety, excitement, boredom, inactivity, even hunger, and can be a learned behavior from family members. It is also very common (which really does not make me feel any better about it). Over the years, I have also discovered why I bite my nails. I bite due to all the reasons I just mentioned (except for hungry and learned behavior). If I am stressed or anxious, I bite. If I am sitting idly, doing nothing, I bite. If I am watching TV or relaxing, I bite. I bite. Apparently, I do not need a reason. What I have realized though, is that the reason I bite when I am not stressed or anxious, just bored, watching TV, or relaxing, is that I need something to do with my hands. They have to be kept busy. For me, that is the hardest part of not biting my nails. I can resist the urge to bite, I can stop myself if I realize I am doing it, but if I am sitting doing nothing, and my hands are free, I find it very hard to give my hands something to do to keep them occupied.

The last five to six months have been my best, though. I really stuck to it. Granted, I spent quite a bit of money on manicures, but they really helped. I did not bite my nails. Ok, maybe I picked at them, but it was much easier to stop when I saw a manicure on them (or to begin picking at the manicure instead--whatever works, right?). It was also much easier to stop once I actually saw that I had nails. Seeing the actual, real nails on my hands and fingers went a long way for me. Why? Simple really: Because I saw that I had nails, that I could, in fact, grow and have (semi) beautiful nails. I saw the results of not biting them, and I loved it. Not only that, but I was able to use my nails. I absolutely loved it.

I worked very hard at maintaining those nails. I got manicures, gave myself manicures, I made myself stop biting them, resisted the urges I had to do so, and continued to grow nails. And I did it. No, it was not perfect, and yes, I will admit that I did bite some off at times (especially the weaker ones which are so much easier to pick off and therefore so much harder to resist), but I did it. I had nails.

Then, there was a stressor. And off they came. That was about three weeks ago now. You would think that since then I have started to grow my nails again, right? Wrong. Now that they are gone, it is much easier to just continue picking and biting them off. I have nothing to look at, to see what it would look like if I let them grow. All I have are stubs, and the memory of what they used to look like. But I cannot go on a memory. It is very difficult to do this based only on a memory. I need to see it in front of me. I need proof. I need a nail, preferably three or four, to see that I can do it. But I know I can do this. I know. I have done it before, I can do it again. But I just need that one nail, that one starting point, yet I know I will never get it if I keep on picking and biting at what I have left.